#markegan

[budaallmusic]

Sonny Fortune ‎– With Sound Reason #atlanticrecords 1979 Bass – #MarkEgan (tracks: A4, B1), #WillieWeeks (tracks: A1 to A3, B2, B3) Congas, Percussion – #SammyFigueroa (tracks: A3, B2) Drums – #SteveJordan Keyboards – #LarryWillis Percussion – #ManoloBachena (tracks: A2), #RaphaelCruz Rhythm Guitar, Lead Guitar – #RayGomez Soprano Saxophone, Alto Saxophone, Flute, Producer – #SonnyFortune

[michellepostshere]

Fringe is one of my favorite shows. I haven't been watching a lot of television for quite some time now, so I've been catching up over the last couple of weeks. (Still not nearly caught up, but I'm getting there.)

All this talk about parallel universes makes me wonder how the Other Michelle and the Other Mark turned out. Like, maybe the Other Michelle and the Other Mark decided not to continue their relationship after the Other Mark went back to University of Memphis after his Winter Break. Maybe they decided, reasonably, to take that few months break and to resume upon his return home.

Maybe they did, and maybe, two days ago, when the Other Mark returned, they picked up where they left off and will subsequently get more mileage out of their relationship than This Michelle and This Mark did. Maybe no one's heart has gotten broken yet. Maybe no one's heart will get broken for a very long time.

This is where regret lives.

[michellepostshere]

How long were you and Mark together?

Does that matter? I felt what I felt (and feel what I feel). Besides, all break-ups are about every break-up anyone has ever had, not just about the last one. 

Two months. We fell in love right away.

I'm not going to let that happen again with anyone in the future, though. It was too fast. I'd rather a relationship start slower and last longer than move too fast only to crash and burn shortly after it's begun.

[michellepostshere]

iamnotcleveratall answered your question: So this is a really weird thing to ask, but...

you just seem like and warm and compassionate person (who shares my taste in music) and I just happen to think you’re lovely. :)

Thank you. I try really hard to be both. It doesn't always come naturally, and sometimes I do things or say things without knowing or meaning to be less-than-kind. This happens in-person more than in writing. I have a snarky sense of humor sometimes that isn't everyone's taste. I keep it off my blog, for the most part, but real-life is harder. I have to learn to feel people out first, lest I be accused of being "judgy" or judgmental, which I was, recently.

I am working on it. 

iamnotcleveratall replied to your post: iamnotcleveratall answered your question: So this...

I have the same problem. but you’re aware of it and trying and that’s a good thing. no one is perfect.

I know, but it has offended/annoyed/repelled some of those for whom I admire and care most, and that is too huge a price to pay, in my book. I really need to be more aware. So yeah, I am trying really hard.

[michellepostshere]

So here's what happened.

Mark and I talked last night. I told him Tumblr is a very supportive outlet for me right now, and he said he is fine with me telling people on here what went down. Neither one of us comes out looking all that great, in my opinion, but it is what it is. All I ask is that you don't judge either of us, and for those of you who follow him on here too, cut the dude a li'l slack, and throw some support his way too. He's having a rough time himself.

This is the gist of it. I'm not going to give gory details or anything like that. I told him how I felt, as well as what I am going to say here, so none of it will be a surprise to him.

On February 28th, Mark's 20th birthday, Mark told me he didn't know if he still loves me. He knew my hang-ups about trusting men (because the ones I care about most always leave) going in. He knows my parents weren't really around much. He knew what I went through in previous relationships and assured me he wasn't going anywhere. Those were his words: "I'm not going anywhere." He even said how he'd seen the worst of me, and it wasn't that bad, and that he knew he could handle anything that came our way. He promised he wasn't like the rest of the guys, and he acted that way too. Everything he did showed he was committed to us, and that he loved me. His actions backed up his words, and I thought, "At last, a guy with integrity," and I believed him.

And then, out of nowhere, this. He said that he is under a lot of stress, and that I went from being someone he enjoyed, to being just another thing he had to do. (Long- distance relationship-ing brought out the worst in me at times, I'm afraid.) He said we should take a "break" and asked me for some time to figure things out, and asked if we could start over when he came home the first week in May for the summer.

Initially, I had said yes to his proposal. Then, after over 24 hours of not eating or sleeping and constantly crying, I kinda came to my senses and was like, "Why do I want to be with a guy who doubts his love for me?"

So I broke up with him.

It was hard. It is hard. I still love him. I miss him. But I feel betrayed. I never thought he would hurt me this way. All he had to do was talk to me along the way instead of bottling up his feelings and locking me out, and all of this could have been worked out and prevented. And I tried talking to him, repeatedly, but he pushed me away, and said he just got in these "moods" that he had to work out himself. 

Mark said last night, again, that he just wanted some time to figure out how he feels, but that "it doesn't seem to matter anymore," since I had broken up with him. I told him it does still matter. It matters to me whether or not he still loves me, and here's why:

1) I don't want to always wonder. No matter his answer, it would provide some insight and closure.

2) If the answer is "yes," I may be open to starting over. It would require the earning back of my trust, but I think if anyone can do that, it's Mark. If he finds he still loves me and wants to be with me again, I think he of all people would be up for the challenge.

3) Whether it's "yes" or "no," I need this time away from him (no contact) to get over what happened. If it's "no," then I will be over it already and fine. If it's "yes," then I feel we will be in a good place to start over (if that's what I find I want too at that time), because I will have taken the time to forgive him and get over my hurt and anger. I would not want either one of us to go into it again with anything against the other.

So, yeah. That's that.

[michellepostshere]

Lucero, "What Are You Willing to Lose?" (via their Vimeo channel)

So what if all my heroes are the losin' kind

Not a chance in hell but still they lay it on the line

Would you give it all away for what you want to do

Would you keep on goin' if you couldn't make it through

What are you willing to lose

[michellepostshere]

Bitch, we LOVE hearing about your life! Don't think we don't!

Hehe, awww, thanks!

It's just... Well... I've noticed that people haven't been as interactive on here with me since I met Mark. I mean, I don't mean to be annoying about him and our relationship. I really don't. But he's an awesome dude who contributes to my happiness, and I want to share that.

I just think that, like, maybe sometimes people prefer it when I'm sad? And right now, all I'm interested in doing is celebrating my happiness.

 lovekelsie replied to your post: Bitch, we LOVE hearing about your life! Don’t think we don’t!

FUCK BITCHES IF THEY DON’T LIKE IT! Goddamn whores! I LOVE that you are happy, you, and all people, deserve all the happiness in the world!

Grrrrl, I LOVE YOU.

 michaeladaily replied to your post: Bitch, we LOVE hearing about your life! Don’t think we don’t!

Your happiness and your adorable boyfriend make me smile.

Thanks, boo, I appreciate that.  :)

And thank you, he really is so adorable, it's true.

[michellepostshere]

I spent the day in RVA yesterday to see an old Philly friend perform. It's a four hour drive each way. I don't have a cell phone and wasn't able to talk to Mark all day. This is what I came home to when I logged onto Skype. It gave me teh fuzzies:

Mark: BABY

Mark: I MISSED YOU