…the sad part is, that I will probably end up loving you without you for much longer than I loved you when I knew you.Some people might find that strange.But the truth of it is that the amount of love you feel for someone and the impact they have on you as a person, is in no way relative to the amount of time you have known them.
I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I wish I could go back to when I was happy, when you loved me and I loved you. Was it me, or was it you? Sometimes, I wonder.
Romantic breakups are romanticized constantly, talked about everywhere by everyone, but platonic breakups are swept to the side, suffered in secret, as if they’re somehow less important.
Hi, I'd like your opinion: a schizospec exfriend & me talked for years w/o conflict but suddenly broke off w/ me because I talked to their ex, cites their paranoia as the reason. I understand that, but they basically blocked me & gave no warning for any of this- I didn't know they had an ex. To me this seems like a hasty move with or without paranoia & instead of cutting me off they could keep in touch for after the paranoia ends. But, I'm not schizospec & I worry if I am ableist for my view.
Hi there! Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner.
First off the bat, I don’t think you’re being ableist for feeling hurt by this move, losing contact with a friend is super hard under any circumstance.
Secondly, I want to try to explain what might have happened, in hopes that this insight will at least shed some light on the situation.
Basically the thing with paranoia and paranoia/psychosis-induced actions is that they are per definition not rational, and usually don’t make sense from an outside pov. This is a super unfortunate situation, but my best guess at the situation is that your exfriend and their ex had at the very least a very toxic break-up, and it could be that the ex has tried to turn your exfriend’s friends against them in the past, or even if they haven’t, paranoia might make your exfriend think that their ex could do such a thing. Maybe their ex knows things about your exfriend that they don’t want you to know. Maybe it’s as simple as - they were a different person back then, and it hurts to confront their past in any way shape or form.
All that said, I absolutely still agree that blocking you on all social media from one moment to the next, without you even knowing this was their ex, is an extreme move, and you have a right to be upset with them.
I sincerely hope that they’ll eventually feel better, and fight through the paranoia so that they might be able to contact you again. I’m sure that on their end, losing a friend because of paranoia must be extremely painful as well.
So yea... I hope against hope that you guys figure something out, but for now, rest assured that you are in your right to be upset and confused by the situation.
I love you - three little words that are thrown around so carelessly. Like a robot, I’ve been fed information, taught to say these words over and over again until they become true. The same way I’ve been taught how to listen when it is expected, how to talk about bullshit when it is required and how to shut up in any other situation.
I’ve learned how to distinguish people and what they want from me. And I am
learning how to distinguish what they mean to me by how easy those words come. If they come effortlessly, if it is easy to say - it’s true. If it makes me fight them to come out, if it leaves a bad taste in my mouth, if it feels like a lie - it is in fact just that. A lie.
You almost said you loved me. And I couldn’t lie to you. Not to you.
Because no matter how important you were to me, I didn’t love you the same way you loved me. The way it was expected.
I felt unsafe, unsure standing on the steps you stood on - you were too high for my reach. I could barely focus on keeping my balance let alone focus on what was important. And you were the one thing important!
I had to step back on my own step to realize I forgot how easy it can be to breath.
And to realize, I didn’t love you. Not the same way you loved me…
Those empty shells of words were fed to me like information, glued into my mouth. They weren’t real.
But I know yours were. You would’ve really meant it. Because I know that’s how you felt. I saw it in your eyes, your face, your every move.
I shattered everything and walked away unscaled.
I don’t regret ending it. It might seem cruel, but I was kind of happy it did. And I know in due time you will be too. I wish that for you, because you deserve it.
The thing is though, you and your perfection and your overly-kind heart polluted my whole time. My whole room.
My stomach clenches with anxiety when I look at my bed. That’s where we first kissed. And that’s where the first red flag popped up in my mind. I didn’t like it - you kissing me.
The house opposite mine. You said your friend lives there. You still go there every now and then and my mind keeps scaring me with images of us meeting. I don’t want to see you again! You did nothing, but I can’t handle seeing that hurt on your face again! I don’t want to have to handle it.
The concrete square in front of the theater. Where we first hugged. You knew I was skittish and consumed by doubts about people - after all, we barely just met - so you opened up your hands and let me decide whether I want to hug you or not. I don’t want to walk that path and replay that moment in my mind every damn time. That moment has passed.
The north of town. That’s your territory. Everything I loved that belonged there is now off-limits because of you. Because what if I accidentally run into you again?
The music school I grew to love guitar in, the park we went shooting photos with my friends, the other one where me and my brother used to play. The routes I used to take. They are all gone because of you.
I don’t want to have to walk through town with all these ghosts haunting me!
I thought I escaped unscraped. I though once the words were said. it’d be over.
And it was. For a few weeks. Then you started popping up.
In my bed - I changed the sheets, but the room is too small to let me forget you.
On the square in front of the theater - I keep reminding myself you have no business walking that way, anyway.
In the parks, at the music school, the whole north side of the city, I still walk with my head hung low.
I want you gone! I want you out of my life! Out of my head! Out of the town! I want you to take back all those places that tie me to you! Delete all those memories that prevent me from living in my own house! To un-word this curse you put on me! Because I can’t live with your shadow following me…
You almost said you loved me. I couldn’t make myself love you back.
And now I can’t escape these empty shells of promises those almost-said words meant.
You think I want control
when all I want is to know you’re okay,
to know that I’m not alone,
to feel the love you say you have.
It’s always empty,
the corners stick out and there
is no hiding the truth.
You don’t know how to love me.
I can’t pretend I knew you.
This is the time where the tables turn,
the roots are pulled.
It’s dirt as far as the eye can see.
Nothing is growing.
I thought we would grow together,
a garden of thoughts connected
by strands of love.
Instead there are shadows
of broken hearts,
growing faster than the bond
we could have grown.
