HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY, Marleyboo! I cannot believe a year ago today you were born and I had no clue in just a few short weeks you would be my little pup. You are such a smart, loving dog and I love you more then you'll ever know. I can't wait for you to see what we got you for your birthday! #puppyparents #firstbirthday #marleyboo #marleybug #puppylove
Mourn Me: I’ll write a drabble about my character mourning your character’s death.
fINE. I can do this. Here we go. Prepare to cry.
This turned out very long… And I didn’t read through it because it’s sad.. and well… yeah.
There are some people you meet that make an impact on your life so big, they change who you are. These people can be catastrophic. They can destroy everything in their path, including you. But every spectrum has another end. Marlene McKinnon was that other end. Instead of destroying your life she pieced it back together. She changed you in a way that made you wonder what your life would have been without her and causes you to shiver at the thought.
Marlene McKinnon made Lily into the woman she was today. She made her stronger, more fierce. She taught Lily that she was worth it no matter what some stupid pureblood said. She never left her side when she broke ties with Severus, shouting at him if he even tried to talk to Lily. She burned every mean letter Lily ever got from her sister. She hexed anyone who hurt her, shouted at James if he took something to far, helped her to open up to James. She fixed Lily right up.. just in time to break her.
The news of her death shouldn’t have been a shock. She was a well known Order member and her family were blood traitors. She was high up on their list of wanted people. The news shouldn’t have been a shock to Lily but it was. It was a shock that knocked her so far of course she was lucking to get back on track again without Marlene to help piece her back together.
They say there are five stages of grief. Denial and isolation, Anger, Bargaining and blame, Depression and lastly Acceptance.
1. Denial and Isolation
"Where are you going?" Lily frowned at the mirror which now contained her husbands reflection as well as her own. ”What do you mean?”"I mean where are you going." His voice sounded horse. She swallowed and avoiding his eyes as she tied her hair up into a bun."To work, James. We have to be in at seven and it’s already half six. I’m thinking I just have time for a quick cup of tea before it’s time to leave. It’s not a far walk so I should make it in plenty of time. Moody was saying yesterday that he wanted everyone in early because-" Lily never did get to tell James why Moody wanted them in early because he interrupted her."Lily.""Mm," she replied, looking over her reflection once more before standing up and walking towards the bedroom door."You can’t go to work." "Why not?" Lily asked, flicking at the kettle with her wand before tucking it in her bun and starting to clean the sitting room."Because.." He trailed off, looking down but she was busy tidying picking up dirty cups and mugs to notice. "They’ve given us time off.""I don’t need time off, James. And they can’t afford to have any less people with.. Numbers have been dwindling, they need all hands on board." James looked at Lily as though she had gone mad. She pointed her wand in the direction of the kitchen and the sounds of tea being made could be heard. She continued to clean.
"Numbers are dwindling?! People are fucking dying Lily! Marlene is-" "You should really tell Peter to stop leaving his socks here," Lily spoke over him, picking a pair off the floor. I’m tired of picking them up. Which you could have done by the way." He started at her. "Have you gone insane? Can you hear what I’m saying Lily, What you’re saying?!" As he spoke she walked to the kitchen, James following on her heels. She picked up her tea and put a cooling charm on in.
"I think I prefer muggle tea," she said, interrupting him again. She drained the cup quickly as James looked at her with a loss for words. "I’ll see you later," she said, walking out the kitchen door, kissing his cheek on the way out. "Don’t wait up!" she called, closing the front door.
2. Anger
Lily slammed the cupboard door closed and opened the next one. “James!” she shouted in an annoyed tone and he quickly came from the sitting room. “Where is the bloody tin of beans I bought last week?”"Where we always keep them," he said calmly, pointing. "Third cupboard." She glared at him and then the cupboard before opening it and sure enough, the beans were there. "Your welcome," he said, his tone had a slight edge to it that Lily chose to ignore. "Thanks," she spat back, opening the tin with her wand. She got out a pot and left the beans to cook. When she turned towards the door James was still standing there. He was looking down and he had a slight crease in his brow that Lily knew meant he was contemplating something difficult. He had bags under his eyes from lack of sleep and his hair was messier than she’d ever seen it. He looked up just in time to catch her eyes."They had to send you home, love." The words came out slow and carefully chosen. He had tried to come up with something that wouldn’t set her off. He had chosen wrong. Her face fell back into a glare."You agree with him?" she asked slowly, a warning in her tone."Yes," he replied firmly. "I’m sorry, Lily but he’s right. You’re a mess. It’s been two days. We’re not supposed to be okay yet. I know I’m not, and I know you’re not. Moody knew that too. You wouldn’t be any help to anyone out there. You-" James got cut off when Lily barged past him, "No Lily," he reached out to grab her wrist. "Don’t run away." She pulled her wrist free but spun around to face him. "How dare he? How dare you?! I am more capable than half the people in the Order and I’m only two thirds their age!" "I know you are, but-""Don’t you fucking get it, James?! They need us! Every week someone else dies and now it’s Marlene. Marlene’s dead, she fucking left us! She’s gone and we have to make do. We have to take on her missions as well as hers. She left us, James! She’s not coming back, never coming back so we have to fight this war alone and I’m not going to sit here doing nothing. She’s gone and we don’t have a replacement." Lily knew that she was being unreasonable. She knew that she would be no help to anyone on a mission in this state. But she didn’t care. She felt betrayed. Marlene was never supposed to leave her. She was supposed to be her constant companion, throughout the good and the bad. But she was gone. She was gone and Lily was alone.
3. Bargaining and blame
"We should have been there." The words were almost whispered. James paused on his way to the bathroom, turning back to face her. She was propped up in bed, staring at the opposite wall. "We should have been there," she repeated, louder this time. "I should have been there. I should have been on that mission with Marlene, I could have helped. I could have saved her. If it weren’t for me she might still be alive." She said all this in a monotonous voice.
"If I had been there.. I could have blocked her, pushed her out of the way. I could have done something. But instead I was here." Her voice started to go higher as she thought more about it. "We had a day off. We were happy. If I had known one day off would cause her her life I would have- It’s all my fault, James." Her voice broke on his name and his arms were around her although she hadn’t even been aware he had crossed the room. "It’s all my fault."
"No," he said, sharply, pulling her to his chest as he sat on the bed. "Don’t even say that Lily, don’t. It’s not your fault. You didn’t know. We couldn’t have known what was going to happen." Lily buried her face into his chest, shutting her eyes so she couldn’t see anything, just black. "I’d give anything, I’d give every happy memory I have for her to come back." Her words were muffled but he seemed to understand.
"I know," he murmured against her hair. "I know, Lily but- You’d forget her. How wonderful she was. The way she smirked like she knew exactly what you were up to. Her laugh, her jokes. You’d forget all the times she helped you. The party she threw when she found out you were pregnant." At that he put a hand over her slightly swollen stomach. "You’d forget all of that." Lily was quiet for a long time, staying in the same position. James started to think maybe his words had got through to her but another set of whispered words denied that.
"I could have saved her."
4. Depression
Lily sat on the couch, curled up with a blanket over her. She had a cup of tea between her hands but it had long since gone cold. The television was on and she was looking at it but if you asked her about the show that was on she wouldn’t have been able to tell you anything. James was sitting on the opposite side of the couch also giving off the illusion that he was watching the TV, but his eyes would flicker the her every thirty seconds or so and it was highly doubtful he knew much more about the TV show that she did. She only looked away from the TV when she saw him move out of the corner of her eye. He stood up."Where are you going?" she asked, watching him carefully."The kitchen," he answered, "Do you want something to eat?" Lily shook her head and turned back to the telly causing James to sigh. "You have to eat.""I’m not hungry.""I don’t care.""The smell of food makes pregnant women sick.""You’re well past that stage," he said and she could hear the frustration in his voice."I’m sorry but I’m not hungry." He sighed again and ran a hand through his hair, gripping it as he thought. "Something to drink?" She shook her head again. "At least come with me. Stretch your legs a bit." "I’m watching this," she said, finally looking back at him as she pointed at the TV. "Just have a slice of toast!" "No James," she said firmly. "Now drop it." She turned back to the TV as she started to speak, acting like she was ignoring him. "Fine. Starve yourself, Lily, see if I give a shit. But just remember it’s not just yourself you’re starving, is it? No, it’s our baby as well. Our unborn baby who doesn’t have a choice." Lily’s mouth fell into an ‘o’ shape but he was gone before she could reply. After about thirty seconds she decided even she couldn’t just sit there. She put the tea down and wrapped the blanket around her shoulders, padding quietly to the kitchen. She stood at the open door, watching him as he made something to eat, his back to her. She could see the tension in his very stance, a tension that she wasn’t used to seeing when it was just the two of them. "Is that toast still on offer?" she said quietly. She didn’t want the toast. She really wasn’t hungry. But she would eat it for his sake. Because he deserved better, their baby deserved better. He turned around to face her, There wasn’t a smile on his face but he looked calmer."Course," he replied, taking out bread.""I’m sorry.." she said when he was putting it in the toaster. "For what?""Everything."
5. Acceptance
James never expected to be relieved to see his wife crying but he was. It meant she was coming back to him. Losing your best friends was hard enough. Losing you wife along with her was impossible. He walked back into the bedroom, thinking she was still asleep but she was lying on his side of the bed, curled up and crying quietly."Lily," he said softly, walking towards her and kneeling down at the edge of the bed. Her face was tear stained and blotchy, her eyes red. "James," she said but it was high pitched and laced with tears."Lily," he repeated, climbing onto the bed, pulling her into him. She latched onto his top as her crying became louder. He held her to him, rubbing her back soothingly, murmuring in her ear. It didn’t help that his own voice was threatening to break. Crying grew and tears became more frequent and soon Lily was sobbing as thoughts of her best friend filled her mind. Her dead best friend. You weren’t supposed to lose your best friend. You lost you parents, your grandparents, your aunts, your uncles.. but you weren’t supposed to lose your best friends. Best friends were supposed to grow old with you. You were supposed to grow grey together and say that the other got the first wrinkle. The two of you were supposed to reminisce about the good old days. But now Lily had to reminisce alone.Lily had to remember the good times all on her own. The laughs, the sleepovers, the fun. The crying, the support, the unwavering loyalty. Lily was the only one who could remember the nights spent quietly talking on one of their beds so as not to wake the others. No one else would remember the countless allnighters and the time spent giggling in the common room. No one would carry the burden of the secrets Lily hadn’t told anyone else. No one would remember Lily’s Marlene but her. No one would know Lily and Marlene like they did.Lily’s sobs subsided after awhile and her tears remained but she could still talk through them."It isn’t fair, James. She’s gone. She’s gone forever because of them, She’s dead and there’s nothing I can do about it. I just want to go back and tell her I love her. I wish we’d never fought and I had known her longer. She’s dead, James."
