#marrwrites

[marr-ble]

it's those hours of the day where I wished someone could reach deep into this well I'm in, and gently caress my heart and ask if i I need a hug. without me asking for it

don't get me wrong, he does it. this is unrelated to him. he loves hard. he really does. and I appreciate and love him back as much as I receive it. though, sometimes I feel that he wins on that part. I'm still learning to be vulnerable, and holding back to. Because I know I shouldn't go more, as we should have our boundaries. and I try my best to uphold that. Grounding us in our beliefs.

but this feeling, is one that has been here before. always here, but hidden most of the time. those I've loved from way back, yet it feels like I'm often begging for their love. funny how I know this feeling is a moment. I'm fine most of the time. I get it. I get that the love I have for them, isn't something that could be replicated. that goes to all of us floaters. and it's understandable. but when this feelings hits, it hurts nonetheless.

I'll be fine again, in a bit. or tomorrow. whenever this feeling decides to go back into it's hiding. it's a feeling I could never diminish. So I'll sit in it, and just take in the waves crashing onto my shore.

This is okay, and I'm not faking it. It really is. It will be fine again.

[marr-ble]

a wip.

based on one of my favourite songs by JP Saxe

[marr-ble]

the day I write down the fanfics, stories and the bazillion made-up scenes in my head will come. But not now. Though there is that possibility of it never coming and me leaving before it even comes. It is a race between the two. Me leaving, and it coming to life.

[marr-ble]

writing is healing.

reading casual yet beautiful writing is healing and inspiring. it makes me want to drop everything and just write. write my life out. my aspirations. my out-of-reach dream. my sorrows and woes. my fears. cuz at the end of the day, I'll be gone; but my writings will live on. it will live on to be discovered.

[marr-ble]

I'm at the stage of life where I want my own peace of mind over anything else. I can do distance, I can do hours of waiting, I can do loneliness, I can do company, I can do nagging, I can do costly decisions.

But if anything gives me the slightest sting to my heart and mind, I'm out.

My family, friends and colleague look at me weirdly, and are concerned for me because of these things; but they really just need to hear me out. Most times they do, and then they get it. For the rest who don't, I couldn't be bothered tbh. I'm fine with being misunderstood, misread.

As long as my heart and mind is at peace.

I still wanna unexist. But, I'll wait for my time, and continue living mundanely.

Mundane = content = peaceful. For me at least.

[marr-ble]

The comfort of public transport. the warmth of being among strangers who know nothing about her. Their heads could be making up all kinds of stories when they do look her way, but it doesn't matter; because this is a passing moment. she has no effect on their lives, as much as they have none on hers either. A kind middle-aged woman asks her if she is tired on her bus ride home because her face is drained. A pretty girl offering a sweet smile and offered her seat to her. A kind tall person opening the door open for her to pass through after he just did. Public transports mean so much to her. It was the peak where she gained her independence and self-reliance. The freedom from being a burden to those who had to pick her up before this. She was a peculiar child. It was her dream to be commuting on public transport daily, to and fro to work. Growing up with television and media consumption made her yearn for it. Before she knew it, her dream came alive and reached her, instead of her going for it. She is fulfilling her childhood dream. She also knows that it might be a privilege for her to say that she enjoys riding the public transport. A while back she even questioned if it was okay for her to like it when other people use it for survival. They have no choice. Then again, the reason she felt that way, was because she looked down at herself, and does not acknowledge the struggle she goes through. She too is using it for her own survival. Everyone is surviving, and battling their own wars, but in different formats.

[marr-ble]

one of the things I would tell my 16-year-old self is how her friendship circle would change.

How the ones she called friends, would end up blocking her instead.

and the ones with whom she did not interact much back in school would be the ones who see her for who she is. Surprisingly giving her support when needed, and caring for her.

I would tell her how she is blessed with her online friends. That her decision to start a stan Twitter in 2019 healed a small part of her. That there would be that certain group chat that will always welcome her, even though she is always missing and barely there. But every time she does remember to drop by, love is all she receives.

The many heartbreaks that she was going through, were meant to be. They do hurt, she must know; but on the bright side, she can choose to move on and not let it bring her down.

Her search for meaning in friendship will still continue, no matter how hard she tries to stop. To give up. At the end of the day, there will be people who still care. That is all that matters.

She will learn to be grateful, and come to terms with the fact that we are all alone in the end. She will be okay.

Her friendship heartbreaks do not define her.

[marr-ble]