#marshall mill

[raumstadtion]

MARSHALL ST. SHEEP

Antonia Stowe, Holbeck, Leeds, West Yorkshire, England, UK

Russell James Smith - CC

[stevetoday]

The Marshall Mills

So, as you may or may not know, I am an independent contractor, I deliver packages, food and sometimes people, I’ve been at it full time for several years across several states that I have lived. Well the last three weeks have been god-awful, slow.

I have this… way about me to feel like the world is ending each time things get rough, I know it happens.. I know the world isn’t ending (well except for last march when it kinda did end #covid) anyway, it’s like a real problem, I grew up poor. sometimes less poor sometimes dirt poor, and it is my BIGGEST fear to become anywhere close to that poor in my adult life. The houses I grew up in were always dirty or needing repair. When I was in high school we lived in a house that had 3 acres of land, My mother purchased it to make it into a farm for her love of horses, then I’m not sure what happened but shit got bad. I remember when I was coming home from school, I had a goal to get off the school bus as quickly as possible so that the bus could leave and no one would look at my house for too long. ....

The house had misprinted fronts, a big open hole where there should have been a garage door, and grass at times higher than me, I was never proud of where I lived as a young person, and despite my relationship or lack thereof with my mother, I don’t blame her entirely… I believe she bit off way way more than she could chew. I do believe that she had very good intentions moving us there, I mean shit.. the school district was a very very good one. Back to where I am with my life, it is and always has been my goal to never end up in the situations that I found my self as in as a teenager, being poor and not proud of where you live. Getting behind in bills or responsibilities is the first step towards poverty in my opinion.

So as I mentioned at the start of all this, the last few weeks have been rough and the loosing of restaurant restrictions and other Covid19 lockdown era procedures is going to slow work down as people spend their money elsewhere, which brings back my anxiety about falling behind and into money troubles.

This is my anxiety at work.

Writing about it helps, even if I am not a great writer.

It’s time to stop pretending that this isn’t who I am, I am a person with anxiety.. it’s often very bad and crippling. I feel writing about it maybe will make me feel better and who knows maybe someone else can relate.

Don’t judge me