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A fairly large part of me really really hates admitting it, but life sucks way less when I’m actually following the meal plan.
Don’t get me wrong, eating when I feel bloated and full sucks, but just about everything else in life doesn’t suck quite as much right now.
Dumb little things that feel like big huge things
I went to a Christmas party today. Got to see one of my best friends from high school who I rarely see despite living in the same metro area. I go to this party every year and I look forward to certain food items all year long. Last year, I ate and I felt like I ate too much and I hated myself and I acted on behaviors and really set myself back for several days. Today, I ate what I was hungry for, food I was really looking forward to eating. I didn’t have any food rules. We suspended the meal plan for this one meal and I didn’t eat anything just because it was the one meal/party/day I was allowed to break my rules. I knew I could eat more if I wanted to, and I did eat more of certain things. And when I left the party I felt happy and satisfied and not overly full. A tiny part of asshole brain said that I ate too much, but for the most part, I was good. I don’t think I can remember the last time I left a food-centric social event feeling like this. Is this what real recovery is all the time?
Meal Delivery Services
I want your opinions about meal delivery services. I’m not talking Blue Apron here--I’m talking about the ones that deliver you meals prepared and portioned, where all you have to do is heat them and then they’re ready to eat.
Lots of big ed revelations this week, and one of them was about how much I’ve been actively blocking myself in recovery, especially with my meal plan. I know better than to trust myself to measure and add butter or oil or whatever else needs to be added. I will find the lowest of low calorie options for whatever starch or carb. Trust me, if you try hard enough you can find a low calorie version of anything.
I’m looking for info on quality/price/menu/reviews for different meal delivery services. Bonus points if they don’t include explicit nutritional information. My dietician doesn’t think that I’m currently capable of consistently following the meal plan the way its written, and at this point I’m inclined to agree with her. This might be the half step compromise that keeps me outpatient and fully engaged in intern year.
Tonight I was reminded of how delicious hot fresh pizza is. And I actually ate and enjoyed that delicious hot fresh pizza for dinner.
I ate so off meal plan today, and I’m trying to tell myself that its okay and that eating corn chips and chocolate some days is totally normal, but the more that I think about it the more disappointed in myself I am.
Eating isn’t the hard part. Its dealing with my head afterwards that’s hard.
Physically and mentally, I’m in a very different place at the end of 2018 than I was when this year started. Mental health was the dominant theme of this year, and I survived some deep, deep lows, to the point that I had a lot of people pretty worried about me. I scared my treatment team to the point that they came close to requiring me to go to HLOC (and I wonder what my life would look like today if I had done that). I learned (though I still don’t entirely believe) how many people notice me and care for me and worry about me. Anorexia and depression dominated my life this past year, and part of me is terrified to see what next year could look like if they continue to become less of the focus of my life.
This year I was lucky enough to have a huge team of providers on my side--Dr N, Dr L, Dr M, Sara, Allison, and (briefly) Bob. I was fortunate enough to become part of the Project Heal family and not have to worry about treatment costs for the next year. I joined an incredible support group lead by Kate, whose job I could never do, and met Sarah and Annie and everyone else who I know I can lean on week after week for support and understanding and guidance. I grew closer to my cousin and learned that we have so much more in common than we would ever wish on each other, but was so appreciative to have family who really gets it.
This year I think @heartbeatsandrainstorms and I proved that the joke “we’re a little bit married” is more than a little bit true and during the rough rotations, I lived for our hours-long phone calls after work. Also, who’s best friend uses their residency vacation time to go to group and individual therapy with you??? Clearly, I found a keeper.
Its hard to believe that I’m already 6 months into my intern year and I’m not a complete failure of an intern. I’ve gotten posters and workshops accepted at national meetings, I’ve stepped up to leadership roles in my program and at the hospital, I’m still teaching medical students, and I don’t think I’ve done anything completely horrible yet.
When 2018 started, I wasn’t medically stable enough to work at the fire house, and then, when I was, the depression was so bad that I didn’t want to. Now, I’m back to working at least once a week on top of intern year rotations, and I love it (though maybe not quite as much as I used to). I may not know how to handle free time so well, but I spend a lot less time lying on my living room floor now than I did at the beginning of the year.
2018 was a shitty year. It was a year that very easily could have killed me. Here’s to 2019 being better--the bar’s been set pretty damn low.
Today, I am hit with the realization that I am tired of this.
I’m tired of skipping events because I’m afraid of the food that will be served. I’m tired of being afraid of keeping foods I genuinely enjoy in the house. I’m tired of not ordering the food I really enjoy when I eat out because I’m afraid of things that are in the food I want. I’m tired of worrying about gaining all the time. I’m tired of what I eat, and my image of my self and my size dictating how I feel for the day. I’m tired of being preoccupied with food and eating and meals and numbers all the time.
I am tired of all of this. And yet staying on this path is easier than walking off it. And I’m afraid to walk off because I know its going to be hard and I know I’m going to hate myself a lot before I get anywhere halfway decent.
We went out for dinner and I ate a grownup size milkshake and a full entree and it was tasty but now I feel uncomfortably full and I already felt large today and I still have to eat pm snack because I know that it only takes skipping one for me to start back down that slippery slope that I love so much.
