kurotalia
tbh I don't even know of you want this but here it is
also now I can show anyoNE ELSE MWAHAHA
Number One: Evan's got fricking huge freckles
Badger/Mastermind Crackfiction
(Note- for the purpose of this crackfiction Tamillia's guy is named NotArthur and Cedric doesn't exist :( and in all verses Badger's character doesn't ask names/makes up his own names for people because other than River, he didn't get close enough to anybody in the facility)
The tall man snorted as a bucketful of rain unceremoniously collapsed on his head. Glaring up at the moon for a moment, Badger was surprised to see a chocolate-brown head looking at the moon, as well. He let out a little huff in curiosity and the head swiveled to reveal pastel blue eyes and pale skin dotted with…cherries?
The first thing Badger thought of was that he looked like a cupcake.
The cupcake man cocked his head in an attempt to hear whatever the tall, shadowy man was saying.
"Who are you?" Badger elected to ignore the question, and squint at the cupcake man in an attempt to decipher that accent's place of origin.
Cupcake Man, as he decided to refer to him, repeated his question. Badger noticed there was no waiver in his voice-- no touch of fear, no bark of confidence. The exact same. Badger responded, grunting out his name up through the window. He was met with a fake smile and a hand shot out of the window, adorned with a bright pink sleeve in stark contrast to the rainy night.
"If you look over there, there's a fire escape. You should be tall enough to reach up and grab it." Badger nodded his thanks for the new information, not caring if Cupcake Man saw it or not. He trudged over, splashing water everywhere, and brought the ladder down with a huff. He dragged his body up until he was nearly eye to eye with Cupcake Man. Badger saw a fire burning a bit farther back, and the eye-searingly bright pink and blue hues that made up Cupcake Man's outfit. He caught an alluring whiff of scorched meat and sweet pastries.
Cupcake Man backed away to let the stranger in, grimy hair sliding up to reveal two stout, blackened scars above his eyes. Badger blinked at him as his final appendage entered the apartment before turning around to slam the window shut.
The resounding rattle sounded like an earthquake in the awkward silence.
Badger looked down at the sopping carpet he stood upon, unsure whether to be apologetic or confused. He settled for deadpan. Cupcake Man seemed to be some mix of fake confusion, apologies, and rushed away to get what Badger later discovered to be a towel.
Cupcake Man returned with newly dried, fluffy hair and handed a clean towel to the now jacket less Badger. Badger was pleased to note Cupcake Man showed no signs of discomfort at the sight of his mangled clothes. He gladly accepted a seat by the fire and decided he would tell the truth.
He explained how he thought he had been in what must be this world's future, where everyman was for themselves. However, he had found an exit and escaped to here…what he hoped to be the real world.
Badger looked across to the Cupcake Man, who was returning his explanation with a sympathetic gaze. Badger let the rush of feeling those eyes sparked in him surface, and the world seemed to dissolve around the vibrant young man. The warmth of the fire, wrapped with the smells of meat and sugar, only helped that feeling as a spark of…something…rocked through his body. Suddenly, the world came back into focus and Badger coughed and returned his eyes to the fire, sure he was blushing.
---
NotArthur couldn't understand it. Taking in a stranger was one thing, but taking in and caring for some mysterious post-apocalyptic man? The very thing he despised, left with nothing but human nature, the worst thing in the universe. So why did he feel really, truly sympathetic for him?
Number Two: THOSE ASTERISKS ACTUALLY SPELL OUT SOMETHING; I CHECKED
Baddermind Part 2 (a few years later)
The gentle patter of drizzle woke him. Badger turned his head to look through the window into the brusque morning, Evan's body heat still pulsing through the room. Carefully, he unfolded the blanket and slid off the bed. Almost dazed, he wandered out into the living room.
The fireplace was cold as Badger traced a dazed finger along the window. The window that meant so much. A few years ago, his whole life had been changed. It almost felt like the cold, shining stairs that led up from his former world immediately brought him to this window.
It had been raining.
Raining much harder. Raining at night.
The annoyed grunt of an Evan woken up too early echoed around the quiet house. Badger blinked a few times in response before rushing-- or doing as much rushing as a person that just woke up can do-- towards the small kitchen to boil some water.
Today was a day for hot chocolate. Badger mused on the fact that hot chocolate a few years ago meant an ashen bar of sweetness dropped a bit too close to the fire, a bartering tool, a token of luxury. Now it was a drink that meant 'it's cold outside and we aren't strangers'.
Which led him to question the definition of strangers, staring into oblivion as the kettle screamed bloody murder. Evan was no longer in a great mood.
Without thinking, Badger picked up a mug and drank air. He continued without realizing his mistake until Evan laughed at him in that way Badger knew his hair would be tussled if he was shorter. Badger looked at Evan's neck and wondered when the definitions of affection, friendship, and murder became blurry.
He automatically tensed when a hand reached up to his sternum
PICK YOUR OWN ADVENTURE:
A) and then, after asking for ******* and ****, he put his **** in Evan's *** and they ****** like *******. Which made Badger hungry, so he returned to the kitchen *****.
B) before slowly bending his head down to brush noses with Evan, his own hand firmly placed on Evan's clavicle. The kettle screamed, all the way through. Way to kill the romance I didn't want to write.
Number Three: I really need to draw a ref for both of them
How Badger Got His Scars
Weird, that's what it was. Weird. The only word glowing through Badger's young mind; weird. But the…weird…man came closer still, staring Badger down.
A gust of air caught his worn trench coat as Badger raised a knife that was, fortunately, staying steady in his hand. His dirt eyes narrowed, silently taking note of the tiny clearing's advantages and disadvantages.
Suddenly the man leaped forward, a no longer soft bath robe flying up around him like wings as ragged hands jumped forwards.
The moment he felt the dirty fingernails hook onto the flesh at his hairline, Badger jabbed his arm forward, thinking how he wasn't used to being this close to people. As the man went limp, Badger pulled his body to the side, a simple thud alerting a bat or an owl in the surrounding trees. A wince traversed his face as the cold wind bit into his new wounds. He looked up through the trees, about to check the now-dead man for valuables when everything went dark.
---
He woke up to a flaming head. With the gruntiest grunt to ever grunt, he turned around to glare up at his sister. She responded nonchalantly to his unasked question, almost humming as she patted his head-- much to his begrudging snort.
"I had to carve out a bit of the blackened skin, but it looks prettier now. And if you feel like your head is on fire, it was. But it's gone now, so you can thank me." He stared up at her with eyes ablaze with quiet fury as she placed a small cup of unusually clean water in his clenched hands.
He stared down into the cup, groaning inwardly as he saw his blackened forehead, brushing an inconsolable hand through blackened roots.
(AND another note- Analyzing Badger and murder! He's perfectly fine with killing people, he just feels a bit awkward that a person actually got that close to him since he's so used to his holes of death, and false floors. But he doesn't stress about coming that close to the man he killed.)
Number four: The Homeland/heartland/etc. is the false world Badger was in
Evan in the Homeland! AU
(Note-Cedric exists and River (Badger's sis) lives longer)
Badger was begrudgingly helping his sister to cook a rabbit, a sharpened stick angled over the small fire. A rustle in the bushes alerted Cedric, who had been previously staring with interest at the rabbit. Evan walked through, obviously trying to make the best of his dirtied clothes despite the obvious discomfort he felt.
Badger would have slapped his own head with a grunt; he was barely dirty! However, he stared suspiciously at Evan for but a few minutes before returning his gaze to the rabbit's carcass. Evan carefully came over, wary of sitting on the bare ground.
"You should be more careful." Badger stated, determined not to look around and instead staring very intently at the fire. Fine, he glanced around. Great, Evan had some sort of plant. And he was full of pride in a most certainly not-cute way. Stop, brain. "Those are poisonous." Badger did not enjoy the morose look he was rewarded with for that message.
Evan let out an exasperated sigh-- too loud-- and dramatically sat on the ground. Before, of course, remembering how unclean it was and abruptly returning to an upright position. Badger groaned as his sister finally came over.
"I told you to cook it, not kill it a second time!" River sighed as she stared at the meat, beginning to blacken.
"Well, I wouldn't have to at all if HE, "Badger grunted as he stood up, playfully poking Evan in the ribs with the still-warm meat, "would just eat it normal!" Badger almost smiled as Evan quaked a bit in fear-- and, Badger assumed, disgust-- in a way that was…not what he was thinking. Seriously, brain-- they were going to need to have a chat. Silently Badger cursed himself for even thinking that much about the man so eager to be clean.
"Hey, you're the one who brought him here in the first place," River responded with a chuckle as Evan carefully pulled the meat off the stick. Cedric walked over to Evan, sniffing hopefully at the prospect of a rabbit liver.
Badger groaned again, though he did not regret bringing Evan back to his sister. The freckly man had just been too…smart to let die. Yes…smart…totally. "I'll go get something for me and Cedric,"he grunted as he turned away, leaving both dog and stick with his smirking sister and the cautious young cupcake.
Badger walked for a few minutes before deciding to go to Betetr, an old abandoned house that was succumbing to ivy and moss-- not to mention, a favorite hangout of many small meaty creatures. Grumping all the way, he easily caught a dove and squirrel, taking note of a new family of mice sleeping in an old sleeping spot Badger had used.
He was about to return when River confronted with him, a determined look on her face as she smiled at Badger. "You're trying to impress him!" She shouted with glee.
"No." His fingers clenched around the dove's feathers.
"Yes you arrre." A slight singsong tilted her voice.
"No." And now the squirrel's fur was being pinched.
"That proves it!" She crowed, knowing she was triumphant, looking at his nervous hands.
"What? A dove?" He did his best to convince himself, but he knew his sister was all-knowing. It was kind of creepy, but at least they were allies.
"No, silly!" Triumph echoed in her voice. "But you don't need a dove to impress him. Just a clean face and clothes."
"Good thing I'm not trying to impress him." He continued in his efforts. River was about to taunt a reply when Evan came crashing through the trees. Badger groaned; everything Evan did just seemed to attract attention.
"Lover's groan, "River whispered, easily ducking away from Badger's slap.
Number five: wtf does 'lover's groan' even mean
More Evan in the Homeland
(Because I love writing River and Badger and River being the know-it-all older sibling she is...
and awkward Badger is fun)
Badger was woken up by the small patter of rain on his makeshift house and not as temporary face. He blinked for a few seconds before realizing he was sticking his nose in Evan's hair, and hugging him…tightly. Awkward. Fortunately, the smaller man was still asleep and seemed unbothered as Badger attempted to escape from his compromising position. However, Evan stuck out a drowsy hand at the sudden lack of warmth and…
No, Badger, no he thought. River was NOT right again. She had to be wrong about something…right? Cedric raised his head, lying at Badger's feet. Badger did not know whether to be relieved or terrified Cedric was down there.
"Come on buddy, go get some food?" Badger whispered as he leaned forward to ruffle the loyal dog's ears. Cedric wagged his tail as he stood up, leading the crawling Badger out into the slowly subsiding rain.
"Hi, still-so-cynical lover boy." Badger wanted to punch his sister.
"I am NOT a lover. Of anything." River disregarded his statement with a wave of her hand.
"So, I was just seeing things in your little hole in the ground." She raised an eyebrow, along with the edge of her mouth.
She was definitely not going to be getting a visit next bleeding festival, nor advice on escaping the traps he had set up around Betetr. Badger grunted before returning to his typical, monotone, expressions.
"Doesn't matter." He walked away, wishing he could get some peace knowing she was spiteful, but he wouldn't lie to himself to feel better. The oblivious Cedric just wagged his tail before trotting off after Badger, already on the lookout for breakfast.
Badger stared down at the dog. Maybe he was a lover of dogs, like Cedric. But certainly not in the way his sister KEPT insinuating he was with Evan! The freckled cupcake was just so…innocent and scared. Badger couldn't have just left him there, could he? Especially when Evan started claiming that he lived in some other world, or whatever. A frightened and confused mind like that was hardly an enemy that would compete with him for territory, or other resources.
Especially if he's….NO. Why did he even need to stop himself from thinking about that?
Badger returned his focus to the hunt for food, when he heard the caw of a bird who had found a carcass. He didn't even have to look down to know Cedric was running towards the sound, too. When he got there, barely panting, he was pleased to be confronted with only a wolverine. The animal snarled at him before running away. Badger let the animal take a hind leg of what seemed to be a freshly killed fawn.
But Badger knew that if he had heard the caws, others would have as well. He raced back to Evan as fast as he could while the now three-legged fawn hung across his shoulders. He was pleased to be greeted by Evan, though the site of him conversing with his sister did not.
He dropped the fawn on the ground, startling Evan while Cedric patiently sat down, not even tempted to lick the meat lying right in front of him.
"I'll start a fire," he grumbled, ignoring the smirk his sister rewarded him with. He could just hear her saying, 'It's proven! Why would you start a fire now if you hated him eating cooked food if not for love?' Badger gritted his teeth as he turned away, returning to his sister's small clearing they had been using for a fire spot for most of the time Evan had been with him. Badger sighed as he pulled a log onto the deep pit of charcoal.
Maybe his sister was right. No, she definitely was, but he just had to let go of the fact that…loving…Evan was not going to stop just because his sister said it wouldn't.
Number six: Badger is ooc and has long, complete sentences
Even More Evan in the Homeland
(Note- When Badger finally stops denying everything but makes his sister feel awkward because he wants to spite her...or something)
It was dawn when Badger woke up to see Evan with their noses pushed against each others'.
"Morning," Badger whispered as he let his arms slacken. Evan blinked in response before a frustrated kick resonated through their makeshift house. Ah, the reason he woke up. Badger yawned as he crawled out into the beginning of the day. Cedric was already awake, bouncing around River as she once again kicked the fairly solid structure.
"Not as eager to hunt today, are you?" She wasn't as mad as Badger had expected, though she did look a bit tired.
"Slept nice." He responded, automatically taking note of their surroundings. He smelt winter on the air, almost feeling regret at not having gotten up earlier to hunt. But he knew there was a stash of food even River did not know of-- though, maybe she did…--that would last him, Evan, and Cedric a good while. It had been a while since Badger had thought of worrying...
"So you weren't just too absorbed in Evan, you ever-so-cynical lover boy?" She was startled by Badger's complete calmness. Instead of firmly denying that he had-- or wanted-- anything to do with Evan as he had been since he had practically found Evan, he was just staring around at the trees. "You heard me, right?" He nodded. A small smile began to form on River's lips. He had finally cracked!
"I'll go get breakfast," Badger responded absentmindedly, humming something as he disappeared through the trees in the direction of Junkpile.
"I'm coming with you!" She yelled triumphantly as she raced after him and Cedric, eager to make sure her younger brother knew he had once again been proved wrong by his brilliant older sister.
He didn't even seem very grumpy when she joined him, the two walking in what River thought was an awkward silence. Especially considering they were heading for Junkpile, where everything was creepy and dangerous. Most certainly not a place for food. Unless, of course, they were going to kill for some pie. Her brother DEFINITELY loved Evan, and there was no denying it now.
"So, Badger," she smiled, "sorry for being so kicky. I didn't want to disturb your peaceful slumber with-"
"The man I love. I know." Badger would have rolled his eyes. His sister really couldn't come up with anything new? Even after he'd practically admitted to her. Then, a devilish grin would have formed on his face. "Though it was nice to wake up to him."
"Uh huh," she replied. Neither of the two noticed Cedric's ears prick up as they almost neared the edge of the forest and beginning of Junkpile.
His imaginary grin came into effect. "Especially after the peaceful slumber that we have EVERY night because we--"
A low snarl ripped out across the small patch of forest. River thanked the fates for a second-- she only wanted Badger and Evan to admit they had a bond, not what they did with it-- before realizing a snarl had to come from something. Badger had already stiffened and was staring it down as River looked up tentatively.
A bear. And on the line between forest and Junkpile, too. Just their luck.
Number seven: this is so more boring than the au of the au with action but fangirls like domestics so w/e
A Normal Day in the Life of Baddermind's Badger
Badger's POV/2nd person (of course)
Wake up. Nuzzle Evan. Sit up. Stare at window. Shake head. Step out of bed. Brush teeth with freezing water. Take off pajamas and old socks; place them in front of washer neatly. Put on clothes, new socks, and rain boots. Stare longingly at jacket.
Run. Ignore looks of passerby. When side hurts, meander to nearest source of food and wait while continuing to ignore looks of passerby. Return home with food and newspaper to share with Evan.
Either wake up Evan or ask him what yahoo says as food and newspaper is placed on the table. If waking him up, throw newspaper in the bed after placing food on table and 'affectionately' yell at him.
Make coffee, tea, hot chocolate, or prepare milk. Evan eats while reading newspaper. Pretend to understand his grunts of happiness or humphs of disappointment.
Go downtown to immerse self in culture and people watch. Jacket has now been donned! Yay! Pay attention to looks of passerby, trying to note why you garner so much attention. This can also include stretching/'training' and helping out at local shops, which is your main source of money for the time being because you live in a magical place economy-wise.
Return home that evening. Build a 'pillow fort' and take off boots. Tell Evan of what transpired in town that day. Listen to him say what transpired in his life that day. Eat dinner with him in the pillow fort.
Use vacuum when necessary.
Carefully hang up jacket, brush teeth, place the day's clothes in front of the washer, put on clean pajamas. Get into bed. Butter him up for the question of everyday, "did you find out why I was there?"
Either ignore him or pretend to be asleep when he wakes up in the middle of the night to go downstairs to the basement and doesn't return until early morning.
Wake up.
Number eight: stop being such a freeloading ass, Badger
Firefighter Badger
It felt like the world was waiting for him to open his eyes. Well, left eye. Evan was still sleeping, of course, as Badger began to sit up, being sure to relinquish as much of the blanket as possible to his little cupcake. The moon, lazily retreating from the sky, grabbed a meaningless nod from Badger as the tall man stood up. He trudged lazily to the bathroom, not even bothering to turn on the light as he grabbed for a disposable toothbrush that already came with toothpaste. Not that Badger cared.
He did his best to splash freezing water on not only the bristles of the brush but his own face in an effort to wake up. It worked, because Badger began musing on whether being awake was fortunate or not. Shut up, he muttered to himself. Now is not the time for philosophical debates.
With the typical agonizing slowness and silence that 'plagued' him (it was perfectly strategical, despite no longer being in the Homeland, he argued) Badger removed his socks and night clothes. He stumbled around for a few seconds before clothing himself in a sand-colored shirt of t and stiff jeans. Long ago, Badger had realized he would probably never find himself comfortable in the clothes of Evan's world, but he had been forbidden to wear that shirt and pants he had arrived with on most occasions. He stared at his jacket, which he was still fortunately able to wear most of the time, grunting as if Evan was awake to make a point. Badger swore he could hear the bed mumble 'caveman'.
It was an odd day. He could smell it on the air as his (sadly-ever-but-still-) once-shiny boots broke through the calm quiet of six in the morning. He looked around warily before locking the door, continuing on his day. However, that scent of something being wrong followed him until it transformed into a whiff of smoke.
A bright red truck passed by blaring a most annoying sound on repeat. Badger glared at the truck before it passed.
When he returned home, he got an explanation of the truck and sound. And a joking remark that Badger should go be a firefighter. Despite knowing that it was a joke, Badger ruminated on the idea.
---MAGIC TIME SKIP WHEE---
And now he was a firefighter. He had been for a few days, and his ears were 'already' perked on alert for a new fire. Suddenly there was. Badger narrowed his eyes before rushing to his place on the truck.
Of course, he sighed to himself as the truck arrived at its destination. The house of him and Evan. That idiot. He let out a small groan before rushing into action-- which, today, was grabbing the IDIOT that had just made their house into a fireball. A senior firefighter followed him from behind as he stormed into the house, an ax in tow.
When they finally reached the door to the basement, Badger grunted out a warning before slamming the axe through the combination of enforcing metal and wood. Evan was there, of course, sweating with a red face. That was growing redder by the second, despite the fact the heat was not steadily encroaching upon them.
The two-- well, three if you counted the guy behind Badger-- stood there in what felt like chaotic bliss. It was raining fire around them as they stared at each other through the butchered door. Both faces reddened and panting from the heat, sweat dripping down Badger's slightly opened shirt….Ohhhh. So that's why Evan was staring and he was probably breaking a rule when it came to uniforms.
Fortunately, however, the man behind saw Evan's paralyzation as fear and shouted out good-naturedly, "Don't worry! He's not an axe-murderer. Just looks like one." Despite saying this, he let out a nervous gulp as Badger swung around with narrowed eyes to stare at him.
"Well, I'd hope not seeing as this IS our house," Evan said in his cheerful way as he slowly stood up.
---MORE MAGIC TIME SKIPS---
And now they were sleeping at the fire station. Any lewd remarks or looks from his coworkers had been rewarded with Badger's unblinking stare, but now it was nearly one in the morning and even nightly sounds seemed to calm down.
"You know, you would make a good lumberjack," Evan mumbled wearily as he curled the blanket around him.
"Mhm," Badger nodded as Evan realized he had said that out loud.
The trees would wither at the sight of him, Evan thought before finally going to sleep.
Number nine: a WIP also MONTY PYTHON GETS ALL OF MY LOVE (aka they're watching Monty Python and the Knights of the Holy Grail)
Badger knew he was home early when he entered the living room, already tired of a long morning of people watching. It was barely past noon, but even so he sat down with a huff in his makeshift den built out of couch cushions. Hours seemed to pass as he just watched the carpet, tired of speaking to anybody else. Well, anybody other than Evan. He always had time and energy for Evan.
Finally the cupcake man had arisen from his den! Badger watched with stoic eyes as he wearily entered the room and gave the lump of cushions a slight wave of the hand. He seemed to be testing something in his head before finally staring at Badger and posing his question.
"Have you been here all afternoon? What happened to wherever you normally are?"
"Bored."
"So staring at the carpet is not boring?"
"Better."
"Well, it's not better enough. You need a hobby." Badger gave a slight tilt of the head at that final word. Evan let out a slightly exaggerated sigh of exasperation. "Something you enjoy that you do to pass the time, such as cooking or knitting or killing all subservient lifeforms."
"You?"
"My hobby, I presume? Well it's-- WAIT WHAT. BADGER!" Evan pouted for a second or two. He didn't need to see Badger rolling with mirth-- not that he was, the stoic idiot--to know his playful meaning. "But seriously, you need something to do other than people-watch." Badger nodded slowly in agreement as he arose from the proverbial ashes, cushions scattering at his feet. For a few seconds the two were locked in a somber, solemn silence before Badger interrupted without missing a beat, as his largely monotone voice typically did.
"Movie now?" He almost longingly rearranged the couch cushions into their proper arrangement-- well, 'proper' as Evan said-- while cupcake man found a suitable film.
As normal, they began as far away from each other as possible, per Evan's frightened demands. However, Badger-- once again-- strategically and slowly inched his body over until he was practically crushing Evan's torso.
"What's that?" Badger's constant question about everything no matter what they did.
"It's Monty Python. I doubt anybody knows what anything is or why anything is or how anything is at all ever period." Badger nodded sagely as if he had been given the perfect answer to the question of the meaning of existence.
"Coconuts? Horses?" Evan just tried to ignore Badger's puzzled, yet quiet, inquiries. "I could horse. Yes, horse hobby." The taller man rubbed his chin on Evan for a prolonged second as the unaware Badger was stared at, the mortified Evan still unused to Badger's odd ways of showing…affection? Annoyance? Bliss? Friendship? He didn't even know as Badger added his cheek. Evan tried to shrink back into his seat, barely paying attention to the television screen and instead trying to interpret this foreign language of chin-rubbing.
Badger unwittingly had Evan backed into a corner for the rest of the movie, which was only interrupted by the occasional one or two word question Badger posed without expecting an answer.
Number ten: literally wtf I should not get this much joy out of writing gay fanfiction (of my own characters)
Based on that mom pan roommate post
(AU where River escaped instead of dying in the Homeland)
Badger grunted as Claude methodically worked his way around the kitchen, scrubbing everything diligently-- though there hadn't been a speck of dirt to scrub off. With an inward sigh, the taller sat down and began taking a mental inventory of all the pans and other sorts of silverware being placed in drawers and cupboards.
"You know, you could help me. YOUR sister is the one coming over." Claude did not break from his scowl, relishing in the anger he so rarely showed. His response was a blank stare and a shrug as his eyes continued to wander around the almost aggravatingly clean room.
There was a knock at the door.
Claude dropped the pan he was holding and reflexively pasted a nervous smile under his-- oh….he'd forgotten to cover them…-- freckles. His words gave one last glare at Badger-- specifically, his lack of clothes other than last night's pijamas-- as he practically hopped to open the door.
He was greeted by a tall, smirking woman with lightly tanned yet rough skin, long hair-- the same blonde as Badger's-- being slightly pulled back in a blue elastic hair tie, the same eyes and nose as Badger staring down at him, the same practical and obviously worn style of clothes. As she shook his hand, Claude noticed a deep scar twisting around her right hand.
A smile that seemed to say, "I know exactly what's happening", and she walked over to what appeared to be a deeply offended Badger. River began trying to nudge a conversation out of her younger brother as the anxious Claude tried to avert her intense gaze from the soapy sink.
"Well, since you're not responding, I shall talk as if you are not here," she swiveled her hoarse smile to Claude.
"I-Is there anything I can get for you? S-some cupcakes, perhaps?"
"Cupcakes? Okay." He caught her second of uncertain gaze. He should have guessed she wouldn't know about the best dessert in all the land either.
Eventually the three had moved to the living room, Claude wearing an apron, River cupcake frosting and a laughing story, while Badger was adorned with a glare.
"Yes, he REALLY did. Now, where's the bathroom?" As RIver got up, Claude automatically leaned into Badger, the taller stiffening and almost reverting the cupcake man to his original position, wary of his sister's return..
"Was she lying?"
"…."
"Well?"
"…."
"…"
"…no."
---
Badger had a determined look on his face as he stormed into the bedroom. "Missing pan."
"…excuse me?"
"Use technology. Find River. Tell her to return pan."
"Is that all?"
"…please."
"Of course, you caveman."
---
From: Claude
To: River
Hello! I'm so glad you came over to talk to us-- well, me-- but it seems that one of our pans is missing. I'm sure it was just a mistake, but we'd be ever so grateful if you could drop it off as soon as possible. Hopefully all of our encounters will be as cheery!
Sincerely,
Your brother's roommate
-
From: River
To: Claude
Hello, Claude! I don't have any pans. Maybe it's just misplaced?
Hoping you find it,
Your roommate's sister
---TWO DAYS LATER---
From: Claude
To: River
Hello! Claude again. We've look high and low, but to no avail. Any ideas would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
Your brother's roommate.
-
From: River
To: Claude
Hi, and I think I have an idea. The guest bedroom, the one Badger gestured at and grunted 'mine' while rolling his eyes? Look under the pillow.
Sorry for the trickery,
Your bedmate's sister
-
From: Claude
To: River
Hello, when I read Badger the…entirety…of your message he said some choice words I would not like to repeat. Thanks for coming clean, from me.
Sincerely,
Your brother's bedmate (no shame in it! C;)
-
From: River
To: Claude
Thanks for relaying the message and your understanding. Please tell my brother to not think I would be so close-minded and that he's lucky to have somebody as great as you.
In a small bit of your debt,
Your bedmate's sister
P.S. Please don't take his facial expressions seriously, and know that the worst he can do when he's really actually mad could easily be matched by a quick-witted knife.
EL FIN
Number eleven: I didn't even add the sexy times
Inviting guests over (FOR ONCE B/C GOSH THESE ARE ANTISOCIAL MURDER BABIES) and Claude/Evan goes over to the pantry saying what drinks they have and it's like "lemonade…pear juice…tomato juice…clam juice…purple stuff that smells like"*sniff*"…pickles" and then he looks over his shoulder at Badger whispering with a cute couple sort of glint in his eyes as he says "clam and tomato? really?" and Badger nods gruffly (b/c he can totes do that OKAY) before saying " 'n i mix them 'n they're even better" and Claude/Evan rolls his eyes in that cute couple way before remembering they have a GUEST, GOSH DARN IT and blushing and coughing before the guest says tap water is fine
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For 1p! Baddermind, it is like the following:
Evan/Claude: Hey caveman can you hold this popsicle in my mouth while I'm eating it?
Badger: *nods/shrugs in some way to say sure*
E/C: Thmrks (i.e. thanks w/ a mouth of popsicle and slight disappointment b/c Badger doesn't see it as his slightly desperate innuendo)
but for the 2p!s it is this:
Badger: HEYYYY OFFICER, CAN I-
E/C: no
Badger: Stuff this-
E/C: NO
Badger: Popsicle down your throat? (he wiggles his eyebrows to make the obvious innuendo even more so and E/C is beyond blushing, he's just pissed even though deep down he loves that big blonde)
E/C: NOPE. NOW GET THE **** OUT OF MY HOUSE AND INTO YOUR ******* CAGE.