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Reasons I Was 20 min. Late for Work

It is a daily occurrence for me to be anywhere from 5-20 minutes late for work. Usually, it is because I work out in the mornings and then sit on my ass drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, and reading the news instead of getting ready. Unlike most employees, however, I am very honest when asked why I was late coming in. There are many mitigating circumstances that prevent me from being on time in the morning. Below is my short list of reasons for regularly being tardy. The reasons with asterisks are why I was 20 minutes late today:

1) I forgot my pass card/cigarettes/lighter/credit and debit cards/ID/coffee on my counter.

*2) My underwear did not match.

*3) Eyeliner is the devil.

4) I only remembered to brush my teeth when I got to the parking lot.

*5) Whatever I was watching on Netflix was riveting and I had to finish the episode.

*6) I needed to rub one out.

7) I got hungry again and had to make more breakfast.

8) I was working out and had to finish my reps.

*9) Words with Friends.

10) I couldn't figure out what to pack up for lunch.

*11) I spaced out sitting on my couch when I should have been doing something like getting ready.

12) I forgot to put on perfume.

13) I saw a spider.

14) I couldn't decide which belly button/tongue ring/earring combo to rock.

*15) Work sucks any will to live from my soul and it is everything for me to go.

16) I had to wait for my iPhone to charge so I could listen to music crossing the parking lot.

People tell me to wake up earlier. I've done that. All I do is fill that time with more of the shit above. Since all my fucks are out of stock and it is unknown as to when they will be reordered, I will continue to be late because of the aforementioned reasons. Or, until someone learns to invent non-asshole eyeliner that magically makes itself even on both eyes. Whichever comes first.

#work sucks #late #firstworldproblems #eyelinerisadick #matchingunderwear