Journal Entry 1
Sixth Day of the Second Umbral Moon,
I write tonight feeling pensive. There is something hanging in the air and I know not what to make of it. Like a pendulum, the headsman’s sword swings above; held aloft by the barest of twine. All too soon that heavy sword will find it’s sheathe in my neck… And I know not what to do. The past several days have been trying. Mayhaps that is why I am finding solace in committing these thoughts to paper. Should I pass into the aether and this dusty tome be uncovered, taken as the ravings of a madman they are, perhaps the reader will find temporary amusement in one who is caught between worlds.
Keaira persists in her training. A blessing or a curse, I cannot be sure quite yet. Though we share no blood, that child is so much my own that it oft leaves me terrified for her future… A future I am finding regret in placing her upon. All those months ago, when she came to me seeking shelter, I saw something within her… A fire and a passion that I had before only seen in passing reflections. Now, I see her for what she is. She tries so hard and it makes my heart ache. She wants to prove herself and pushes herself far too hard… And yet, her stubbornness leaves both Karena and I unable to do anything but watch and support her.
Karena has become another matter altogether. Her secret revealed to me today filled me with both pride and trepidation. The woman is so lost that I find myself wondering how she functions. Between her addictions, her longing for home, her longing for the normalcy of a tribal life… All while bending herself to this life I’ve introduced her to in order to understand it. I blame myself for what she is going through as I do with Keaira. Between the two, my greatest fear that I’ve kept in the dark recesses of my mind has clawed it’s way, fulm by bloody, agonizing fulm, to the light.
They say confessions are good for the soul… And there are times I wonder if what little left of my soul is even worth saving. My trust in people has been shattered, my faith in humanity gone. I am set adrift in a tempest of chaos; a spite upon the breeze, trying to find whatever safe harbour I can so sow my seeds of fun and joviality I can before the winds again tear the flesh from my bones and force me adrift again. Lately, As… Lately I have found that safe harbour in the most unlikely of places. However it is for naught as it is not my port to pull into in this raging storm. I’ll enjoy the tender shelter of her cove for now… But the longer I persist, the more pain I will be met with once I am found out.
These are truly the ravings of a madman; vague and inconcise, a mixture of fact and fantasy in a drink and drug addled mind. The darkness again gnaws at the corners of my dreams. It’s coming soon.