sits here thinking about Matild
rambling about her under the cut
sits here thinking about that a lot of her expectations of socialization just comes from memorization, because she just lives alone in a giant run-down castle and she has gotten to the point in her parasitic mutation that much of her emotions are muted. it makes writing her fun because in her interactions things will _remind her_ of an emotion that shes not sure she can feel as strongly anymore, and so her responses, while seeming passionate at moments, is fused with a long-lived understanding of that culture's logic for decency, rather than an actual authentic emotional reaction to the conversation at hand.
but then there are moments where niche conversations or interactions actually heightens an emotion for her, and she LOVES it when that happens because it reminds her that she's still alive. that she has not yet succumbed to the parasite in her bones, that she still has her consciousness.
but in her eagerness to feel this bubble of frustration she has for Zomson, she is also reminded of her fears. not just in that, if left alive long enough she would become a skeletal monster going around infecting other Troll eggs to mother, but she has memories of being hurt. while she may not FEEL the pain of these memories of abandonment, she REMEMBERS the feeling of pain during a time when she was less emotionally muted. and so this also lends to her being a bit more logical in her approach to people, but not in the sense that it's mind over heart, but in the sense that there is a memory map of bad experiences and she wishes to avoid that whenever possible
Matild is deeply jealous of Athena, or rather she was, but it's a negative memory that she can recall with great detail because it had been so vital in her understanding of herself. She is jealous of Athena because Athena is so pretty, and that there are people who love her and grieve for her absence. There had been a time already where Matild had been betrayed for Athena's sake as her love interest aimed to find her and had lied to Matild in order to do so, effectively taking advantage of Matild's then-kindness and power. Zomson has grown to be someone that Matild likes having around, but because his goal is to find Athena, Matild is once again stuck being reminded of the pain of past betrayals.
and i think its really cute that in this rp she is attempting to share the same space as Zomson, because she is expecting to be betrayed and left alone again. she wont do anything to stop the betrayal, she knows people had painted her reputation enough that there's really no fixing it. she is willing to sacrifice what little joys she has left, because she also knows its only a matter of time before the parasite forces her to betray everyone else, too.
Matild is someone who struggles with the back and forth of accepting whats coming to her, and also tries to cling to bits of humanity while pushing away the painful parts that defines it. ,When you are stripped of a crucial part of human/Troll existence, what sort of meaningful experiences can you have? in what way will you see the world, while knowing that your own perception of it is increasingly futile?
In reality she is just guessing on what to say and how to react, but even the smallest guesses creates a war in her head that no one else can see.
