from the dining table - matt fic (bbtl)
I’ve been struggling with my basically chronic pains for days now because of work and standing on my feet for multiple hours but hey! Managed to write something. I’ve been wanting to write more and more but I just literally can’t produce words, or I lack the motivation to do so whenever I have some time to do so. As always, I’m sorry for any mistakes, because, you guessed it, I kind of did not proofread it.
!: So, this is basically an AU – 2020’s without the pandemic and the other shit happening rn. IDK. Also because I’ve been listening to Harry Styles and Måneskin A LOT I imagined Matt’s music being something like the music H and Måneskin put out. Also they are a bit older. Yeah also if you care, I also imagined Matt’s hairstyle to be something like the hairstyle Dean had for the DA MAN -photoshoot, ugh. Especially the first pic…
warnings: mentions of cancer (not anything too specific because I do not have the knowledge to be more specific), umm… idk if there is something else worthy of a mention. angsty.
wordcount: about 2,5k, this is a lengthy one and because of that the ending is a bit sudden, sorry!
I’m sorry, but I think it is better for you to forget me and my love for you. Forget every memory and every feeling. Chase your dreams. Maybe in another life we would’ve been perfect. Be free, go out there. Maybe one day we’ll meet again.
That is all Y/N could type on her phone, her eyes blurred by the tears streaming down her face. She barely sent the text to Matt as her heart broke into million pieces. She knew that she had to do this and as much as it was going to hurt Matt, this was the least painful way to do this. As soon as she could manage to dry her eyes, she deleted all her social media and packed the last things in her room. As shitty as Luton was, she was going to miss it.
Before she hopped in her father’s car, she received a voice message from Matt.
Y/N, baby. Don’t do this to me. Are you home? Let me see you, why are you doing this? Is it someone else? Did I do something? Please.
She could hear his quiet sobs whenever he stopped for a while. She put her phone away and tried to calm herself down. “Are you sure you don’t want to tell him, honey? I’ll drive you to his place if…” Her dad asked softly but he did not even get to finish what he was about to say. Y/N shook her head and turned to look away from her father.
5 years later
For her 24th birthday her friends had a great idea. They knew how much she loved Harry Styles and his music. And that she was from Luton. They figured that when she said “Matt’s music is overrated, and he is not even that good” she just didn’t want to admit that she used to know him and live near him. So, they got them all tickets for his sold-out London gig. None of them knew that Matt and Y/N used to be in love. And that she still was very much in love with him. Y/N was still so deeply in love that she didn’t even dare to listen to any of his songs. Had he written any songs about her? How she left him and how fucked up the way she did it was? Did he write songs about his new lover or lovers? She did not want to move to London the way she had to.
And now here she sat on her bed in her studio, with her two closest friends pacing around her small apartment getting ready. Y/N tried not to be a dick and still jokingly told her friends that this was the shittiest gift they could’ve given her. It was not a complete lie though. What if Matt saw her there? What would happen then? For 5 years she had avoided him. She knew very well that he too moved to London as soon as he got famous, but even after that she hadn’t seen him around. What if Matt asked her questions, would she lie to him? Tell him that she moved because her dad got a job in London? Even then that wouldn’t be a reason to break up, Luton wasn’t that far away. She took a deep breath and got up and changed her black outfit on. She didn’t want to be too noticeable and wanted to melt to the crowd. For obvious reasons.
-
Y/N knew that Matt didn’t make bad music. She knew that she would love anything and everything he would play and sing. His band was good, that wasn’t surprising either. She felt proud to see him up there on the stage. Matt was made for this. But she also felt bittersweet. The concert was nearing its end when Matt took a short break to drink some water and to take a better look at the crowd. Y/N didn’t notice his stare, but he noticed her. He felt like his lungs were going to give up and his breath was taken away for a minute.
“This next song… I wrote this couple of years ago. She was the love of my life. It is her birthday today… I wish her well and I hope that she has a very happy birthday, wherever she is.”
Now it was Y/N’s turn to feel a kind of panic building inside her.
“Y/N/N, do you know who he is talking about?! Girl, how did you not tell us that you share the same birthday with his ex”, her friends laughed and gently pushed her. The song started and Matt’s voice and his words filled her ears, making her burst into tears. That is when something clicked inside her friend’s minds. The rest of the gig went in a blur, rest of the songs going in and out of your ears.
Without her friends, Y/N wouldn’t have been able to navigate her way home. She felt lost. She felt extremely bad. Guilty. Heartbroken, in love. Mad at herself. She had to explain herself to her best friends. Why she didn’t tell them that she loved Matt.
-
Usually Y/N didn’t drink too much alcohol. She didn’t like being drunk and she hated the hangovers she got. But this weekend, she used her birthday as her excuse for drinking until she passed out in her bed. Sunday evening came and she had to stop being reckless and get ready for a day full of classes at her UNI and a shift at a nearby café. She couldn’t help herself. She tried to avoid her phone but now, laying under her sheets, she took her phone in her hands and searched for Matt’s last message for her. The voice message.
Y/N, baby. Don’t do this to me. Are you home? Let me see you, why are you doing this? Is it someone else? Did I do something? Please.
She repeated the message countless times over and over again. Would it be a mistake to send Matt a message? Would that be so horrible?
Matt? I wonder if this is still your number… I’m so sorry. For everything. I know I promised you that I’d be yours forever. I still am, in a way. I still love you. I have not wanted anyone else’s love. But it was the right thing to do. You probably don’t believe me, but M, look what you’ve achieved. With me, I don’t know if you would’ve been able to achieve all this. The song… it broke my heart. I’m so sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. I’m deeply remorseful. I came there because none of my friends knew about us until that night. I… I don’t know why I’m even typing this. You probably don’t want anything to do with me. But I’m so proud of you. I’m so fucking proud of you, M. You’re doing so well. God. I always knew you’d blow people’s mind off if you ever got the chance to do so. I was right, wasn’t I? I think I’m still somewhat drunk, fuck. I guess I just needed to tell you that I know what I did was awful. I promise I just wanted to save you from more tears. I was pretty sure I would not… You know, I won’t bother you with it. I couldn’t even meet you face to face to say my farewells, because I was too weak. I’ll never stop loving you. I hope your proud of yourself, Matty. I hope you’ve found someone worthy of your love. I wish you all the best, Y/N.
The rest of her day went, again, in a blur. She slept only a couple of hours during the night and woke up early in the morning. Even though she knew this day would exhaust her, she was happy that she had so much to do. No time to think about Matt or the past.
-
Y/N closed the door behind her and turned to lock it. The last hour at the café had been quiet and easy, but nevertheless she couldn’t wait to go home. She wanted to drown her sorrows in the warm water of her bath and then swaddle herself in her blankets.
“Everyone used to ask me why I broke your heart as if I was the one who ended things.”
It took her a few seconds to process the words a familiar voice spat out behind her. She turned around. She looked exhausted; Matt could see that in her face. Y/N couldn’t help herself and think how good he looked in his black leather jacket, his hair a little messy.
“And then after five years, I see you there, looking even more beautiful than before. I couldn’t help but think that you came there just to say fuck you Matt, I’ve found someone much better than you. I did not know that you’d go home and get drunk and then text me, as if you broke up with me a week ago.”
Matt’s words were filled with anger. Y/N didn’t know what to say. She felt small before him, her knees felt weak.
“Well, are you going to explain yourself or did you message me just to remind me again that you left me weeping, huh? Say something!”
Y/N manage to mutter some words out softly and quietly:
“I live nearby… I don’t want to talk about it here”
-
Arriving at her studio, she let Matt in first. He sat down at her small dining table, waiting for her to join him. Y/N slowly let down her backpack and got out a box filled to the brim out of her closet. She sat down before him and with shaky hands opened up the box and went through the papers until she found the few of them she was looking for. She put them down before Matt and took a deep breath. Her hands were still shaking, her breaths becoming a little bit too quick. Matt took the first paper in his hands and started reading him. The color drained from his face. Cancer. “Y/N”
“I’m so sorry Matt, I thought I was dying. I was sure I would not survive, M. I’m surprised I made it this far. We moved to London to be closer to the best hospitals. I wanted to save you from my death, that is why I did what I did, Matty, I’m so sorry.”
She started hysterically sobbing after that. All the guilt she had carried with her until this point just culminated and erupted fully at last. She was so exhausted from her treatments, from the heartbreak and now from school and work.
“I distanced myself from everyone I loved, except from my parents and siblings. I did not want to see others hurt like my family was hurting. I even prepared my own funeral, Matt. It was bad.”
Matt took her hands in his own, trying to calm her nerves. He let her cry until she had no tears left to cry.
“You could’ve told me. I would’ve been there with you, through everything. I can’t believe I wasn’t there to hold your hand when you needed me the most.”
Matt’s voice was so quiet Y/N could barely hear his words.
-
Their relationship wasn’t fixed right away. Y/N still felt way too guilty about her actions. Matt had to process all the information. He had to tour around the UK for a couple of months before they could see each other again. By then, Y/N was able to speak more about the five years they had been apart. It was easier to speak about the illness and the guilt she felt now that they had met once before. Matt felt guilty, too. And more than that he felt deeply sad. But slowly he warmed up again and trusted Y/N with his heart again.
Matt did not need to ask her to be her girlfriend again. One night he took her out to watch the stars and wrapped his arms around her, keeping her close. It led to a lengthy, melancholy, and love-filled kiss and ever since then, he was with her every chance he had to do so.
Y/N felt less stressed about work and her studies when he was with her, keeping an eye on her. Making sure that she was staying healthy, watching her chase her dreams as he had already achieved almost all his. His last dream was to marry the love of his life, but that remained a goal for some time later. But he knew who the love of his life was. He always knew. And so did she.
