tabula rasa

idk, i needed a space for my shitty writing when i feel like practicing. this is my side blog! main:whiskeylullllaby 

[withhowsadsteps]

Joy - Eddie Munson Blurb

This is just a random blurb I wrote in a couple of minutes. I don’t even know why Eddie as a character just felt so safe and inviting. I am nothing like Eddie, yet I related to him in many ways. Anyway, hope you enjoy this!

Trigger warning: suicide attempt

Joy. If Eddie had to choose a word to describe her, it would be joy. Not because she felt joy, but because she filled everyone else’s life with joy, especially Eddie’s. While he enjoyed being around her, he also hurt deep inside knowing that she did not experience the same kind of joy that everyone around her did. It seemed to Eddie that she treated herself like a piece of trash. Lately it had gotten worse, and Eddie felt helpless. How could he help her see how beautiful she was, inside out?

She did not even let Eddie love her like he wanted to. He tried but did not want to push himself onto her too much. Others might see him as a freak and as a creep, but he was not a creep. A freak maybe. He could see in her eyes that she perhaps wanted to be loved by him but did not let herself be loved.

When she ended up in a hospital because of “a horrible accident” where she fell from her bedroom window and hit her head, he knew what she had tried to do. The rocks beneath her window were sharp. How she survived without anything worse than a concussion and stitches here and there surprised him.  He sat near her hospital bed as much as he could. Played her his guitar, sang softly and quietly. Read her favorite fantasy book to her, making up voices for the different characters. Slowly he got her to smile and feel a little better.

He never judged her. Not once. He was there for her and that was more that she could ever ask for. Slowly she opened herself up to him more. And his love for her grew, day by day. And the pain he felt for her got worse, the need to help almost suffocating him.

She got better, day by day. Physically faster than mentally. She was not completely healed but ending herself never crossed her mind again. Not after she let herself be loved by the most misunderstood pure hearted man in Hawkins. Falling asleep in his warm embrace filled her mind with a feeling of safety and belonging. Without him she would be nothing, an empty shell walking around the grey and muted earth. But with him she felt alive, the world around her filled with vibrant colors and beautiful melodies.

[withhowsadsteps]

i want to write something SO FUCKING BAD, but I have no ideas and I should be writing a 20-page essay soon and have not even started it. kill me. now.

[withhowsadsteps]

Phantom Regret - Eddie Munson

ST4 spoilers ahead!

A/N: I’m a daydreamer and often while listening to music I drift off and just idk ascend to another place in my mind. Well, one day I was listening to The Weeknd’s most recent album (Dawn FM) once again and I somehow connected Phantom Regret By Jim with Eddie. So… this is the result of my imagination. I wrote this quite quickly and as usual, I have not proofread this, bear with me. Also, English is not my first language. (Y/N) is a female, but feel free to imagine (Y/N) as you like if you only can – sorry! Idk this didn’t turn out too good but I hope someone likes this or something.

Warnings: Eddie’s death, angst, religious/spiritual aspects, handcuffs

Words: 950

All Eddie remembered was agonizing pain before everything turned black before his eyes. Just as fast as his heart stopped beating, his body seemed to heal. Calmness took over him, even though all he could still see was darkness. Suddenly he heard a steady, velvety voice speak to him.

You’re tuned to Dawn FM… The middle of nowhere on your dial. So, sit back and unpack. You may be here a while.

Was this heaven? Or hell? Suddenly Eddie’s mind filled with memories and emotions. Anger, disgust, despair, pain… and love. The last memory appearing before his closed eyes brought back all of the burning pain he was in while he was lying in Y/N’s arms. How Eddie wished it was someone else holding him while he died. He could see the tears on Y/N’s face, hear her desperate screams for help. He heard her begging him to stay with her.

Now that all future plans have been postponed, and it's time to look back on the things you thought you owned: Do you remember them well?

The voice seemed to force Eddie’s thoughts and memories wherever it wanted them to go. Future plans. What even were Eddie’s plans? Graduating? He was not as dumb as teachers thought he was. He did not want his uncle to feel bad about not having the means to pay for Eddie’s college. So, he played dumb.

Eddie couldn’t help but think of Y/N again. Asking her out was all he wanted to do for years, but here he was. Dead. Somewhere in-between. Was he waiting for the final judgment?  The only things he really had were his feelings, his thoughts, his uncle, and his guitar. Nothing else.

Were you high, or just stoned? And how many grudges did you take to your grave? When you weren’t liked or followed, how did you behave? Was it often a dissonant chord you were strumming? Were you ever in tune with the song life was humming?

Eddie felt dizzy from all of the thinking. He felt like he was drowning, not being able to breathe. Did he really live to the fullest or was he just pretending that he lived like he really wanted? A sob filled with pain and sadness escaped his dried lips. All the things he could’ve done and could’ve had all gone now. But at least this time he didn’t run. He was brave. He fought to save everyone. That had to mean something, right?

If pain’s living on when your body’s long gone, and your phantom regret hasn’t let it go yet… You may have not died in the way that you must. All specters are haunted by their own lack of trust.

The pain definitely still lived on, even though at first it seemed that it had stopped. How was he supposed to die in a way that would’ve stopped the pain? Was he doomed to eternal pain alone in the darkness? Haunted by memories and regret? Eddie’s cheeks were wet from the waves of tears falling from his eyes. Dropping from his cheeks to the nothingness.

When you’re all out of time, there’s nothing but space. No hunting, no gathering. No nations, no race. And Heaven is closer than those tears on your face.

While the voice caused even more regret and longing for life, it seemed to also console Eddie’s aching soul. The way it spoke, the rhythm, the melody of the speech…

Heaven’s for those who let go of regret, and you have to wait here, when you’re not all there yet… And if your broken heart’s heavy when you step on the scale, you’ll be lighter than air when they pull back the veil. Consider the flowers, they don’t try to look right. They just open their petals, and turn to the light.

What did flowers have to do with Eddie and his situation? How could Eddie ever turn to light, if he was doomed to dwell in his regret for eternity? He hadn’t let go of his regret. Shit, he only regretted everything now. Way too late to turn back time.

Are you listening real close? Heaven’s not that, it’s this. It’s the depth of this moment. We don’t reach for bliss. God knows life is chaos, but He made one thing true. You gotta unwind your mind, train your soul to align and dance till you find that divine boogaloo.

Eddie couldn’t comprehend what the voice was trying to tell him. How could this be heaven?

In other words… You gotta be Heaven to see Heaven. May peace be with you. Gasping loudly Eddie jerked awake. His body felt heavy, sedated, but painless. The bright lights hurt his eyes. He tried to bring his hands in front of his eyes but found them chained to the hospital bed he was laying on. He had to let his eyes adjust to the light before he could pay attention to his surroundings. Did he get another chance at life?

For a while every doubt and worry quieted in his mind. His eyes had landed on Y/N, who was asleep near his bed. The chair she was sitting on looked uncomfortable, but there she was. Eddie could see the smudged mascara around her eyes. How long had he been here?  He couldn’t wait to see Y/N wake up. He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, to ask her out. At the same time, he knew that he was handcuffed to the bed for a reason. The town still though that he murdered Chrissy. Regret filled him once more and another quiet sob escaped his lips. Maybe this was another round of torture in hell.

[withhowsadsteps]

The world is an awful place, but sometimes little things remind me that there is still some good left. This is a long rant without a clear point. If you're triggered by the recent events, don't read this. I don't even know if anyone will read this anyway. I just need to vent. Because I'm anxious and sad. And afraid.

A lot of people in my country have decided to pick up the largest cars they can get their hands to (from neighbors etc.) and they are going to drive to Poland, Hungary, Slovakia etc. to get some of the Ukrainian regufees to safety. As a student, I don't have too much to spare, but I was planning to sell three bags of clothes that I don't use anymore. Most of them are warm. I almost cried when I found someone who was willing to come pick them up so they can be given to the refugees either here when they arrive or wherever they are. PS. just a quick note here afterwards, I'm very glad that I didn't have the time to sell them. I have everything that I need, I'm glad that I can help, even with this small thing.

If you have ANYTHING, please, check to see if there is somewhere you can drop them off. And if you don't, keep spreading information. Obviously you have to think about your mental health too.

As a child of two immigrants, who had to flee their home about 30 years ago because of a similar tyrant, my heart is broken and not a day goes by without me shedding tears. Because I've grown up surrounded by refugees.

Also, I remember and think of Afghanistan, Palestine, etc. daily. I hate war from the bottom of my soul. Every inch of my body is trembling with fury and sorrow. 2022. The resources used to relentlessly kill other (especially innocent civilians) could be used to prevent climate crisis, to feed the poor, to fucking develop the Earth so that our children and their children and all the other generations to come will have a place to call home.

I'm so extremely sorry that people have been arrested for using their voices. I'm talking about the Russians protesting their government's ridicilous actions.

I had never heard of Zelenskyy ever before. But I just wish I had just the tiniest bit of his bravery. He's fighting WITH his people. Instead of hiding. I hope that he'll survive, because I'm afraid that the people fighting for their home would lose any hope they have left if he passes away... My God.

Also, I'm so fucking glad T**mp is not the president atm.

Oh and another thing. If the world gets better, I'll add visiting independent Ukraine to my bucket list. Also Poland. Poland helped my family, too.

[withhowsadsteps]

from the dining table - matt fic (bbtl)

I’ve been struggling with my basically chronic pains for days now because of work and standing on my feet for multiple hours but hey! Managed to write something. I’ve been wanting to write more and more but I just literally can’t produce words, or I lack the motivation to do so whenever I have some time to do so. As always, I’m sorry for any mistakes, because, you guessed it, I kind of did not proofread it.

!: So, this is basically an AU – 2020’s without the pandemic and the other shit happening rn. IDK. Also because I’ve been listening to Harry Styles and Måneskin A LOT I imagined Matt’s music being something like the music H and Måneskin put out. Also they are a bit older. Yeah also if you care, I also imagined Matt’s hairstyle to be something like the hairstyle Dean had for the DA MAN -photoshoot, ugh. Especially the first pic…

warnings: mentions of cancer (not anything too specific because I do not have the knowledge to be more specific), umm… idk if there is something else worthy of a mention. angsty.

wordcount: about 2,5k, this is a lengthy one and because of that the ending is a bit sudden, sorry!

I’m sorry, but I think it is better for you to forget me and my love for you. Forget every memory and every feeling. Chase your dreams. Maybe in another life we would’ve been perfect. Be free, go out there. Maybe one day we’ll meet again.

That is all Y/N could type on her phone, her eyes blurred by the tears streaming down her face. She barely sent the text to Matt as her heart broke into million pieces. She knew that she had to do this and as much as it was going to hurt Matt, this was the least painful way to do this. As soon as she could manage to dry her eyes, she deleted all her social media and packed the last things in her room. As shitty as Luton was, she was going to miss it.

Before she hopped in her father’s car, she received a voice message from Matt.

Y/N, baby. Don’t do this to me. Are you home? Let me see you, why are you doing this? Is it someone else? Did I do something? Please.

She could hear his quiet sobs whenever he stopped for a while. She put her phone away and tried to calm herself down. “Are you sure you don’t want to tell him, honey? I’ll drive you to his place if…” Her dad asked softly but he did not even get to finish what he was about to say. Y/N shook her head and turned to look away from her father.

5 years later

For her 24th birthday her friends had a great idea. They knew how much she loved Harry Styles and his music. And that she was from Luton. They figured that when she said “Matt’s music is overrated, and he is not even that good” she just didn’t want to admit that she used to know him and live near him. So, they got them all tickets for his sold-out London gig. None of them knew that Matt and Y/N used to be in love. And that she still was very much in love with him. Y/N was still so deeply in love that she didn’t even dare to listen to any of his songs. Had he written any songs about her? How she left him and how fucked up the way she did it was? Did he write songs about his new lover or lovers? She did not want to move to London the way she had to.

And now here she sat on her bed in her studio, with her two closest friends pacing around her small apartment getting ready. Y/N tried not to be a dick and still jokingly told her friends that this was the shittiest gift they could’ve given her. It was not a complete lie though. What if Matt saw her there? What would happen then? For 5 years she had avoided him. She knew very well that he too moved to London as soon as he got famous, but even after that she hadn’t seen him around. What if Matt asked her questions, would she lie to him? Tell him that she moved because her dad got a job in London? Even then that wouldn’t be a reason to break up, Luton wasn’t that far away. She took a deep breath and got up and changed her black outfit on. She didn’t want to be too noticeable and wanted to melt to the crowd. For obvious reasons.

-

Y/N knew that Matt didn’t make bad music. She knew that she would love anything and everything he would play and sing. His band was good, that wasn’t surprising either. She felt proud to see him up there on the stage. Matt was made for this. But she also felt bittersweet. The concert was nearing its end when Matt took a short break to drink some water and to take a better look at the crowd. Y/N didn’t notice his stare, but he noticed her. He felt like his lungs were going to give up and his breath was taken away for a minute.

“This next song… I wrote this couple of years ago. She was the love of my life. It is her birthday today… I wish her well and I hope that she has a very happy birthday, wherever she is.”

Now it was Y/N’s turn to feel a kind of panic building inside her.

“Y/N/N, do you know who he is talking about?! Girl, how did you not tell us that you share the same birthday with his ex”, her friends laughed and gently pushed her. The song started and Matt’s voice and his words filled her ears, making her burst into tears. That is when something clicked inside her friend’s minds. The rest of the gig went in a blur, rest of the songs going in and out of your ears.

Without her friends, Y/N wouldn’t have been able to navigate her way home. She felt lost. She felt extremely bad. Guilty. Heartbroken, in love. Mad at herself. She had to explain herself to her best friends. Why she didn’t tell them that she loved Matt.

-

Usually Y/N didn’t drink too much alcohol. She didn’t like being drunk and she hated the hangovers she got. But this weekend, she used her birthday as her excuse for drinking until she passed out in her bed. Sunday evening came and she had to stop being reckless and get ready for a day full of classes at her UNI and a shift at a nearby café. She couldn’t help herself. She tried to avoid her phone but now, laying under her sheets, she took her phone in her hands and searched for Matt’s last message for her. The voice message.

Y/N, baby. Don’t do this to me. Are you home? Let me see you, why are you doing this? Is it someone else? Did I do something? Please.

She repeated the message countless times over and over again. Would it be a mistake to send Matt a message? Would that be so horrible?

Matt? I wonder if this is still your number… I’m so sorry. For everything. I know I promised you that I’d be yours forever. I still am, in a way. I still love you. I have not wanted anyone else’s love. But it was the right thing to do. You probably don’t believe me, but M, look what you’ve achieved. With me, I don’t know if you would’ve been able to achieve all this. The song… it broke my heart. I’m so sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. I’m deeply remorseful. I came there because none of my friends knew about us until that night. I… I don’t know why I’m even typing this. You probably don’t want anything to do with me. But I’m so proud of you. I’m so fucking proud of you, M. You’re doing so well. God. I always knew you’d blow people’s mind off if you ever got the chance to do so. I was right, wasn’t I? I think I’m still somewhat drunk, fuck. I guess I just needed to tell you that I know what I did was awful. I promise I just wanted to save you from more tears. I was pretty sure I would not… You know, I won’t bother you with it. I couldn’t even meet you face to face to say my farewells, because I was too weak. I’ll never stop loving you. I hope your proud of yourself, Matty. I hope you’ve found someone worthy of your love. I wish you all the best, Y/N.

The rest of her day went, again, in a blur. She slept only a couple of hours during the night and woke up early in the morning. Even though she knew this day would exhaust her, she was happy that she had so much to do. No time to think about Matt or the past.

-

Y/N closed the door behind her and turned to lock it. The last hour at the café had been quiet and easy, but nevertheless she couldn’t wait to go home. She wanted to drown her sorrows in the warm water of her bath and then swaddle herself in her blankets.

“Everyone used to ask me why I broke your heart as if I was the one who ended things.”

It took her a few seconds to process the words a familiar voice spat out behind her. She turned around. She looked exhausted; Matt could see that in her face. Y/N couldn’t help herself and think how good he looked in his black leather jacket, his hair a little messy.

“And then after five years, I see you there, looking even more beautiful than before. I couldn’t help but think that you came there just to say fuck you Matt, I’ve found someone much better than you. I did not know that you’d go home and get drunk and then text me, as if you broke up with me a week ago.”

Matt’s words were filled with anger. Y/N didn’t know what to say. She felt small before him, her knees felt weak.

“Well, are you going to explain yourself or did you message me just to remind me again that you left me weeping, huh? Say something!”

Y/N manage to mutter some words out softly and quietly:

“I live nearby… I don’t want to talk about it here”

-

Arriving at her studio, she let Matt in first. He sat down at her small dining table, waiting for her to join him. Y/N slowly let down her backpack and got out a box filled to the brim out of her closet. She sat down before him and with shaky hands opened up the box and went through the papers until she found the few of them she was looking for. She put them down before Matt and took a deep breath. Her hands were still shaking, her breaths becoming a little bit too quick. Matt took the first paper in his hands and started reading him. The color drained from his face. Cancer. “Y/N”

“I’m so sorry Matt, I thought I was dying. I was sure I would not survive, M. I’m surprised I made it this far. We moved to London to be closer to the best hospitals. I wanted to save you from my death, that is why I did what I did, Matty, I’m so sorry.”

She started hysterically sobbing after that. All the guilt she had carried with her until this point just culminated and erupted fully at last. She was so exhausted from her treatments, from the heartbreak and now from school and work.

“I distanced myself from everyone I loved, except from my parents and siblings. I did not want to see others hurt like my family was hurting. I even prepared my own funeral, Matt. It was bad.”

Matt took her hands in his own, trying to calm her nerves. He let her cry until she had no tears left to cry.

“You could’ve told me. I would’ve been there with you, through everything. I can’t believe I wasn’t there to hold your hand when you needed me the most.”

Matt’s voice was so quiet Y/N could barely hear his words.

-

Their relationship wasn’t fixed right away. Y/N still felt way too guilty about her actions. Matt had to process all the information. He had to tour around the UK for a couple of months before they could see each other again. By then, Y/N was able to speak more about the five years they had been apart. It was easier to speak about the illness and the guilt she felt now that they had met once before. Matt felt guilty, too. And more than that he felt deeply sad. But slowly he warmed up again and trusted Y/N with his heart again.

Matt did not need to ask her to be her girlfriend again. One night he took her out to watch the stars and wrapped his arms around her, keeping her close. It led to a lengthy, melancholy, and love-filled kiss and ever since then, he was with her every chance he had to do so.

Y/N felt less stressed about work and her studies when he was with her, keeping an eye on her. Making sure that she was staying healthy, watching her chase her dreams as he had already achieved almost all his. His last dream was to marry the love of his life, but that remained a goal for some time later. But he knew who the love of his life was. He always knew. And so did she.

[withhowsadsteps]

non potrà colpirti più niente - matt (blinded by the light)

y’all this aint very good but it is still something. i’ve been hella busy with my studies and i managed to get sick so… yeah. i’ve been listening to måneskin’s coraline on repeat so i used it as my inspiration. i think my fever is getting worse so if the ending seems a bit sudden... i'm sorry

warnings: mention of rape, violence and miscarriage, sad stuff words: just a bit over 1200

oh ps. unfortunately, i don’t speak italian but because i absolutely adore the way it sounds i’ve googled translations and the title means nothing will ever hurt you again. this song is literally so tragically beautiful y’all should listen to it and check out it’s lyrics

Y/N sat on her bed, her hands wrapped around her stomach. She thought that she was loved and she was happily falling in love with a man who seemed to be perfect. But life is cruel, and everything is not as it seems. It all happened so slowly that she didn’t even realize what was happening until it was too late. He started controlling her life bit by bit, starting from her friendships and clothing until she was basically all alone. She was his puppet. The countless times he raped her even when she told him no broke her. In the end she didn’t even have the energy to try and stop him. Eventually, she found out she was pregnant. She was very young still and very unsure of bringing a baby to this life of abuse, but at the same time the thought of having a child and someone to love and be genuinely loved by… it comforted her. When he found out about the pregnancy, he changed his behavior. For a while life seemed to get better and Y/N got to enjoy the pregnancy for that short while. But everything changed way too quickly. Y/N’s lifelong best friends, Javed and Matt came to visit her, out of the blue. Matt was back in the city and wanted to see her. Y/N was over the moon, happy to tell her friends about her pregnancy, but her so-called boyfriend did not want to see another man so close to her. He also knew way too well, that Matt used to have a crush on her. Everyone else knew, but she seemed oblivious. He also knew that Y/N probably still, subconsciously or consciously, dreamed of a life with Matt. After that visit, Y/N found herself in a hospital room. Her worried parents by her side. Losing her baby shattered her world all over again.

Y/N heard her mother’s worried whispers outside her bedroom door. She broke her trance and unwrapped her arms, got up and dried the tears on her cheeks. Moving back to home happened quickly, but it was the safest thing to do. But she couldn’t stay. Not in Luton. It was time for her to finally move away and start a life somewhere else. Today was that day. Her parents stood outside her room, waiting for her. Her father picked up the last few bags around her room and took them to the car. Destination: London.

When they were little Javed, Matt and Y/N always talked about London. Moving there, dreaming of a glamorous life there. After her parents left her in her new apartment, she broke down freely. Letting her emotions take over her completely. She had been trying to stay strong in front of her parents, but inside her feelings were a tumultuous storm waiting to erupt and destroy everything in its path. The anxiety completely took over, her sobs filling the small apartment. Her cries could make the coldest murderer cry, the despair and loss strongly audible. After a while, she pulled her phone out and called the first person on her mind. Matt.

-

While Matt drove from his apartment somewhere in London to her place, Y/N washed her face with cold water. She hoped that it would cool down her face enough to reduce the swelling around her eyes. She looked like shit. She felt empty. Her body felt distant, strange. Y/N looked at her stomach once again, imagining what it would’ve looked by now. Thinking about her baby, now gone. Hearing the doorbell, she quickly moved to open the door and welcomed Matt in. He didn’t know about her situation, she never dared to tell him. Seeing her like this immediately worried him. He looked around the apartment for any signs of Y/N’s boyfriend but realized that there was no boyfriend. He didn’t know too much about pregnancies, but she didn’t look pregnant to him. Wasn’t she supposed to have a rounder belly by now? He closed the door behind him and managed to undress his leather jacket before hearing Y/N sobs. Wrapping his arms around her, Matt managed to move them to the sofa. He held her, tightly. He did not know how much time had passed, but Y/N sobs quieted down, and she seemed tired. It didn’t take much for her to fall asleep in his arms. Y/N felt safe in Matt’s arms, safest she had felt. Safer than she had felt at her childhood home. Nowhere felt safer than here right now. After she woke up, she had to gather everything in her to tell Matt what had happened.

Matt didn’t dare to say out loud what he was thinking. He wanted to beat the bastard until he begged for mercy, but knew that it wouldn’t help Y/N. So, he just stayed there, holding here, watching over her. Over the weeks he came to her apartment to check on her, to make or bring her food. He had to make sure that she ate. This was one of those days. “You probably think that I’m behaving like a child”, she whispers quietly, avoiding Matt’s eyes. “No, I think that you’re behaving like someone who has been through hell” he truthfully told her and pointed at her plate of food. Y/N shook her head a bit. “I’m sorry Matt, I can’t. Not now” she told him. Matt couldn’t forcefully feed her, but he tried his best to make her feel better. And he had made progress.

With Matt’s help, Y/N got better. It took some time, and it was not easy, but she managed to get her life back. She got a well-paying job, a bigger apartment in a nicer neighborhood and closer to Matt’s, even a small car. She felt better, even though she thought about her baby a lot. Matt sometimes noticed the longing look on her face when she saw pregnant women or newborn babies. He always had had a crush on Y/N but he never thought of having kids at all, not even with her. But his feelings and love seemed to grow day by day and he noticed that he started to think about having kids. Seeing her longing for a family of her own… it did something to him. But the only woman he wanted to be his and the mother of his kids was her.

~ two years later ~

Y/N yawns tiredly and rubs her round belly a bit, feeling the little one’s kick on her palm. A little giggle escaped her lips. “Yeah, I know you’re wide awake, but mommy’s a bit sleepy” she says quietly and finally puts away the last diapers.

Matt approached his wife and wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on her shoulder. “Mommy should rest, remember? You know very well what the doctor said” he murmured and softly kissed her cheek.

“I can’t help it; I can’t wait to have the baby in my arms” she said and turned around in his arms. The fear of losing her baby had been very bad during the first trimester and somehow it still bothered her. A monster luring inside her head.

“Nothing will ever hurt you again. Nothing or no one. I’m going to keep both of you safe” Matt whispers and presses his forehead against hers. They found solace and love in each other. Matt wouldn’t let anyone take that away from them.

[withhowsadsteps]

is someone still reading fics for dean's characters? as soon as i get some free time from my uni work (hopefully in a few weeks) im planning on trying to write something again. im so tired on working on essays and else i want to write something for fun

[wantstoflyafraidtofall]

hey writers! OneLook Thesaurus lets you find that word you can’t think of but can describe! go check it out!

[dream-this-nightmare-over]

Reading all those fanfics i gathered one thing:

how emotionally starved we all are for someone to care, understand, love, listen, have patience with us. All the things that are fundamental human needs. It tells you a lot about the world we live in today.  

[withhowsadsteps]

Worth of Your Tears - Tom  Blake

a/n: idk this is a mess but I just thought that so many soldiers were (and are) forever traumatized and how some of them probably hated themselves even more when they witnessed their loved ones hurting for them so I wanted to write something like that while I had a couple of hours of “me-time” after work wordcount: 1274

 –

For the first couple of months that Tom was back, he was silent and distant. You didn’t blame him; you knew that he went through literal hell or perhaps even worse. He was still healing, both physically and mentally. So you waited patiently. You visited him and his mom and helped them with everything and anything you could. He never showed you his wound, he never let you help with keeping it clean and bandaged. Again, you only wanted him to get better, so you didn’t mind. You thought that he’d slowly but surely maybe start talking, holding your hands. You cried many times when you were alone. You had to let your emotions flow so you could stay strong in front of Tom, you didn’t want to cry in front of him. No matter how unloved and touch-deprived you felt.

One evening on your way back home you heard someone running behind you. When you turned your head, you saw Tom approaching you. Was he finally going to kiss you? Or even hug you? Say something more than a quiet thank you or yes please? You stopped and remained silent, waiting for any words. He looked puzzled. What was going on in that mind of his?

He reached for your face and laid his hand on both of your cheeks gently, cupping your face. You could’ve melted in his arms then and there. But the warmth of the situation disappeared as fast as it appeared in the first place. “I’m not worth of your tears, love” he whispers to you. You could see in his face how hard it was for him to say that to you. That he was hurting. “You deserve to feel loved, you deserve to be praised. Hell, you deserve someone capable of living normally” he continued, now raising his voice a bit. Before you could say a word, he spoke again. “I’ve hurt you and I still am hurting you”

You didn’t know what to say or do. What was he trying to tell you? Your hands start to tremble when you realize that he was breaking up with you. Even though you promised him that you wouldn’t mind waiting for him. Yes, you were hurting. But you would endure that because you loved him. “I love you so much, my little bird” he cries out, his eyes tearing up. “But I need to let you go, I need you to be happy and not worry about me. I want you to find someone who makes you happy. I’ve seen you cry and it breaks me. I’m broken, my love. I don’t believe I’ll be fixed” he continues his monologue.

You disagreed. You knew he would probably never be the same Tom he was before he left but you never thought he would feel so broken. During his time in the trenches he sent you so many letters filled with his humor and jokes. And now he was telling you he would never be healed? You didn’t know if you were mad at him for giving up on himself or if you were angry because he thought you couldn’t stand a bit of hurt while HE was the one carrying the weight of a freaking world war on his shoulders. You decided you needed to leave. Without saying a word. You were so shocked you couldn’t even cry.

Again, months passed. You wrote him a letter once, telling that you still loved him. That you would’ve cried many more tears for him, and you would’ve hurt for him and wait for his love if he just asked you to. You didn’t tell him you were leaving for London. You had to get away for a while, so you went to help your aunt with her bakery. And when you came back, you didn’t go and meet Tom.  What your parents didn’t mention to you was that after that letter he had visited. And wrote to your home address. They thought it would be better for you to forget about him as much as it hurt them too.

You were sitting against an apple tree, reading a book of yours when you heard his voice calling out your name. Your heart skipped several beats when you closed the book in your lap and let your eyes land on him. He looked beautiful in the golden light from the setting sun. You had missed every bit of him, all this time, loved him just as much as when you first realized you loved him. “Hey, Tom” you smiled softly, not daring to say anything else. “You never responded to my letters. I figured you found someone else. I hope you’re happy with him, all I want is for you to be hap…” you don’t let him finish his sentence. “I never even tried to find anyone else. Wait, what letters?” you were confused. Then you realized that your parents probably had them somewhere hidden. It would’ve been easy for them to hide them while you were away. Tom sat down at your side and you talked more than you had talked since he came back from the war to the point of your breakup.

First you were very careful when you hang out together. You were so deeply in love with him, but he broke up with you. You didn’t think that being best of friends with him was the right thing to do but that was what happened. He was your best friend and you were his even when you were together. Maybe he needed his friend to heal.

And then a day came, when he asked to meet you at that apple tree where you met after the months of not seeing each other. He had a bouquet of flowers in his hands and a brand-new novel for you in the other. He grinned a bit when he saw you, reminding you of the pre-war Tom you knew. What was he up to?

“You can definitely hit me if this is outrageous” he starts in a light-toned voice “but will you forgive me? I said that I wasn’t worth of your tears and I am not, but you’re the only thing that kept me fighting”. “You think a bouquet and a new book is enough, huh?” you ask but smile at him. “Ah, not just a bouquet of any flowers. Carnations and chrysanths, your favorite” he winks at you making you giggle a bit. “Be mine again?” he asks setting the flowers and the books aside on the ground so he could take your hands in his. “I’m still working on getting better, but I’m not as broken as I was. I realized way too late that I needed you for me to heal. So I  fought myself and got better because I wanted you back. And I realize that I might have fucked everything up, but I promise I’ll never hurt you like that again”. You never hoped you’d hear him say these words. You never dreamed of him calling you his little bird or the love of his live never again. “I never stopped being yours”, you whisper.

You stayed with him that night. You rested your head on his chest, listening to his steadily beating heart. You both stayed quiet, just enjoying being so close to each other again. “You do know I’ll never let you go again?” he breaks the silence and making you raise yourself to your elbow so you could see him. “You should marry me then”, you tell him as if that should’ve been clear to him already. “Oh I will”.

[withhowsadsteps]

just reblogging just in case there is someone out there looking for dean/tom content

[withhowsadsteps]

the singing angel (Tom Blake/1917)

its been YEARS (not literal) since i had time to write anything. and i didnt have time today either but i still wrote. sorry for any typos. i miss my boy tom and any dean content enjoy words: about 900 to 1k

- Most of the other wounded soldiers in the hospital ward were still unconscious or just in a state of deep sleep during the nights. Blake was an exception. He would keep his eyes closed just in case he had woken up from his nightmares in the trenches, not in a warm hospital bed. He had almost lost track of time, laying on the bed. Sometimes his mom visited him, but most of the time she wasn’t allowed to visit. The nurses and the doctors would tell her that Blake needed to rest. His wound still caused infernal pain and he had never felt more alone before. At least in the trenches he had Scho, but now? The only company he had were his troubled thoughts. Weeks passed and Blake’s feelings of despair and loneliness just deepened. The nurses did their jobs, but they never talked to him more than was necessary. The night she came into his life was identical to all the previous until him waking up from one of his nightmares. While clutching his eyes close and trying to steady his breathing, he heard the sweetest, most beautiful voice he had ever heard. She, whoever she was, sang quietly enough not to disturb any sleeping soldiers, but loud enough for Blake to register her words and voice. “Yet there's no sickness, toil, nor danger In that bright land to which I go” Blake opened his weary eyes slowly, afraid of what he might see. Had he died in his sleep? Was he entering heaven? His eyes adjusted to the dimmed lights of the ward. He saw a young nurse sitting beside one of the beds. She held the hand of a soldier, singing to him. For a while he just stared at her. She sounded and looked like an angel, maybe she was. For all he knew he was just seeing things, imagining. “But golden fields lie just before me Where God’s redeemed shall ever sleep I’m going there to see my father I’m going there no more to roam…” Blake heard her voice cracking and the song stopping. He noticed that the soldier’s chest had stopped moving. The nurse placed the soldier’s hand gently on the bed, laying it down near his lifeless body. Blake felt a sudden urge to weep like a small baby, but repressed his emotions, not wanting to disturb the quiet night. The nurse had been there for that poor soul when no one else was. Who was she? After that night Blake realized she was a new night shift nurse. And after that night, she always comforted the dying soldiers. And Blake always pretended to sleep just so he could enjoy her soothing singing. One night after another soldier passed away and was taken out of the ward in the quiet of the night, Blake opened his eyes. He spotted the nurse sitting on the recently emptied bed, crying softly. He felt bad, wanting to comfort her, pay her back for all that she had done. He tried to sit up, but he only managed to hurt himself and let out a quiet moan of pain. It was enough to get the nurse’s attention and she quickly came to her, wiping her tears. “Let me check your wound, lance corporal”, she told him, but he quickly stopped her. “No, it’s ok. I just… I wanted to do something to make you feel better, I guess” Blake managed to say, too distracted by her beauty to explain himself further. The nurse looked embarrassed and quickly apologized for waking him up, but little did she know that her singing, and her presence were what he waited for each night. “He just looked like my brother. I miss him. That’s all” she quietly explained and thanked Blake for even noticing her sorrow. Before anything else could be said, she heard another soldier calling out for a nurse, and in a second, she was gone. Blake’s wound slowly got better and he could now even move around the ward with the help of a nurse or with a cane. He felt freer and appreciated the fact that the nurse let him sit by the window and look at the starry sky. He did not notice her sitting down near her. “Your eyes sparkle in the moonlight” her voice filled his ears. He felt his cheeks warming up a little and a chuckle escaped his lips, a sweet smile now framing his face. “And you can smile!” “I was not sure if I'd ever be able smile again” Blake admitted.

After a moment of silence, he spoke again. “Sing to me? Please” And just like that, she started singing, calming his stormy mind. His last night in the hospital arrived sooner than he thought. Every night he spent awake with her seemed to morph time. She looked exhausted. “I cannot wait to get out of the night shift” she admitted. “Especially because someone is getting out and leaving me here” the nurse then added, with a playful smirk on her face. Blake just shook his head slightly before realizing that this was very likely his last chance to ask her on a date, ask her to see him again. “This does not have to be the last time you see me” “Are you asking me out, lance corporal?” “Only if you start calling me by my name” “That’s a deal, Tom”

[withhowsadsteps]

Safe at last - Matthew Connelly (HATYM)

AU Fic. So, HATYM but in the 2020's because I'm a slave of the modern society, lmao.

Warnings: Kearney. You know. Everything that comes with him. Drugs, alcohol, the usual HATYM stuff.

As usual, not proofread. I get the urge to write and if I have time I just write. Bad habits die hard. And it is like 4 am and I'm sleep deprived. Also, please, someone: I dont want to read my texts, give me some new Dean content

-

Matthew and I grew up together. He used to shelter me from any bullies, including one of his best friends Kearney. Kearney wasn't always as awful as he is now, but growing up in a household like his... well no wonder he turned out all twisted. Partying is not my thing, though. I prefer to stay at home or just have a game night with my friends. Or turn on Netflix and watch bad comedies or horror movies. And there was no way to escape the parties anyway. Everyone's snapchat and instagram stories were always filled with videos and pictures of stoned and drunken people.

I was sitting on my bed, my best friend lying next to me, talking about her most recent tinder match, but honestly, I wasn't listening. My eyes were glued on the newest picture Matthew had just minutes ago posted. It was a bit blurry, the neon lights of a party painting his face half blue and half pink. Jen's arms were around his neck. I couldn't help but feel jealous. I wanted MY arms to be around his neck, I wanted his arms to be around my waist.

As soon as my friend noticed my mental absence, she grabbed me by my arm and yanked me up from my bed. "Let's go. You have to tell him. You know their thing did not work out, they are not dating" she basically scolded me. Any of my attempts to stay home were ignored. Soon I found myself at the party, awkwardly standing alone. My friend promised to stay near me, but the tinder-boy was there and, well, he got her attention.

I let out a quiet curse when I spotted Kearney watching me. He winked at me and that made my skin crawl. Hell no. I turned around and started my way to the patio doors. At least I could try and get away from him. "Hey, Y/N, come back here!" Fuckk. You blocked him on every social media site you had. This would not be the first time for him to try and get under my sheets. As a kid, he would bully me relentlessly. But as soon as my boobs grew, the bullying turned to border-line harrasing. He is the reason why I don't hang out with Matthew or Rez too much anymore.

For a while I thought I was safe. No sign of my friend or Matthew, though. So I sat outside and watched the sky or played games on my phone. I was deeply focused on a hard level of my game when I smelled Kearney's cologne and the alcohol in his breath. I felt his arms come and embrace me. "FUCK OFF Joseph, don't you fucking touch me" I screamed and tried to get away from the situation. Obviously, even after lord knows how many drinks and whatever he had taken during the night, he is still stronger than me. Panic kicks in and I start to feel like I'm suffocating. Kearney is not afraid to do whatever he wants to. He is able to grab my face and force his lips on mine, but luckily he is not able to do anything more before my friend with her new fling grab me away from the shithead.

I did not expect to get bruises where Kearney grabbed my face last night, but the bruises are very visible. I turn away from the bathroom mirror, tears burning in my eyes. What the hell was I thinking? Obviously sitting outside alone was not a good idea. Kearney could've done anything. My phone vibrating in my pocket breaks my moment of despair. Matthew. He is facetiming me. I can't show him my face like this. No way. Hell, I will have to put a shit ton of makeup on my face just to hide the bruises from my parents.

Every five minutes my phone rings. It is Matthew and I don't pick up. Apparently he is not going to give up, though. The doorbell rings and I got no choice but go and open it. "I'm so fucking sorry" Matthew looks basically even worse than you. "I should've been there Y/N. I fucking should have been there" his voice breaks when he grabs me and hugs me tightly. And then I break down and the tears start flowing.

For the rest of the day, I stayed in Matthew's arms. Sometimes I cried. Sometimes I laughed at something he said. And sometimes we just sat silently and watched the TV. "I promise I'll never let him touch you again" he whispers in my ear. "And how are you going to do that, huh? Mattie, you're never around me. You're partying, smoking whatever and drinking. Making out with Jen. Oh, how do you think she'll react when she finds out you're here comforting me?" "Jen is... it's just a friends-with-benefits situation" "You didn't answer my first question" "What if I'll make you mine? Do you think that would solve the problem?" I turn my head quickly towards him, shocked. "Mattie, don't you fucking dare prank me" "I've loved you since we were kids, Y/N, why would I lie to you?"

I don't know what to say to him. I'm completely speechless. And so tired, too. The shock of yesterday drained me completely. He very gently presses his lips on one bruise, then the next. "I'll make sure no one hurts you, ever again" he mumbles against my skin, sending shivers down my spine. Before I can say anything, his lips come up to mine. And I feel safe. At last.

[withhowsadsteps]

So, I don't get many notes anyway but this flopped :(

[withhowsadsteps]

Safe at last - Matthew Connelly (HATYM)

AU Fic. So, HATYM but in the 2020's because I'm a slave of the modern society, lmao.

Warnings: Kearney. You know. Everything that comes with him. Drugs, alcohol, the usual HATYM stuff.

As usual, not proofread. I get the urge to write and if I have time I just write. Bad habits die hard. And it is like 4 am and I'm sleep deprived. Also, please, someone: I dont want to read my texts, give me some new Dean content

-

Matthew and I grew up together. He used to shelter me from any bullies, including one of his best friends Kearney. Kearney wasn't always as awful as he is now, but growing up in a household like his... well no wonder he turned out all twisted. Partying is not my thing, though. I prefer to stay at home or just have a game night with my friends. Or turn on Netflix and watch bad comedies or horror movies. And there was no way to escape the parties anyway. Everyone's snapchat and instagram stories were always filled with videos and pictures of stoned and drunken people.

I was sitting on my bed, my best friend lying next to me, talking about her most recent tinder match, but honestly, I wasn't listening. My eyes were glued on the newest picture Matthew had just minutes ago posted. It was a bit blurry, the neon lights of a party painting his face half blue and half pink. Jen's arms were around his neck. I couldn't help but feel jealous. I wanted MY arms to be around his neck, I wanted his arms to be around my waist.

As soon as my friend noticed my mental absence, she grabbed me by my arm and yanked me up from my bed. "Let's go. You have to tell him. You know their thing did not work out, they are not dating" she basically scolded me. Any of my attempts to stay home were ignored. Soon I found myself at the party, awkwardly standing alone. My friend promised to stay near me, but the tinder-boy was there and, well, he got her attention.

I let out a quiet curse when I spotted Kearney watching me. He winked at me and that made my skin crawl. Hell no. I turned around and started my way to the patio doors. At least I could try and get away from him. "Hey, Y/N, come back here!" Fuckk. You blocked him on every social media site you had. This would not be the first time for him to try and get under my sheets. As a kid, he would bully me relentlessly. But as soon as my boobs grew, the bullying turned to border-line harrasing. He is the reason why I don't hang out with Matthew or Rez too much anymore.

For a while I thought I was safe. No sign of my friend or Matthew, though. So I sat outside and watched the sky or played games on my phone. I was deeply focused on a hard level of my game when I smelled Kearney's cologne and the alcohol in his breath. I felt his arms come and embrace me. "FUCK OFF Joseph, don't you fucking touch me" I screamed and tried to get away from the situation. Obviously, even after lord knows how many drinks and whatever he had taken during the night, he is still stronger than me. Panic kicks in and I start to feel like I'm suffocating. Kearney is not afraid to do whatever he wants to. He is able to grab my face and force his lips on mine, but luckily he is not able to do anything more before my friend with her new fling grab me away from the shithead.

I did not expect to get bruises where Kearney grabbed my face last night, but the bruises are very visible. I turn away from the bathroom mirror, tears burning in my eyes. What the hell was I thinking? Obviously sitting outside alone was not a good idea. Kearney could've done anything. My phone vibrating in my pocket breaks my moment of despair. Matthew. He is facetiming me. I can't show him my face like this. No way. Hell, I will have to put a shit ton of makeup on my face just to hide the bruises from my parents.

Every five minutes my phone rings. It is Matthew and I don't pick up. Apparently he is not going to give up, though. The doorbell rings and I got no choice but go and open it. "I'm so fucking sorry" Matthew looks basically even worse than you. "I should've been there Y/N. I fucking should have been there" his voice breaks when he grabs me and hugs me tightly. And then I break down and the tears start flowing.

For the rest of the day, I stayed in Matthew's arms. Sometimes I cried. Sometimes I laughed at something he said. And sometimes we just sat silently and watched the TV. "I promise I'll never let him touch you again" he whispers in my ear. "And how are you going to do that, huh? Mattie, you're never around me. You're partying, smoking whatever and drinking. Making out with Jen. Oh, how do you think she'll react when she finds out you're here comforting me?" "Jen is... it's just a friends-with-benefits situation" "You didn't answer my first question" "What if I'll make you mine? Do you think that would solve the problem?" I turn my head quickly towards him, shocked. "Mattie, don't you fucking dare prank me" "I've loved you since we were kids, Y/N, why would I lie to you?"

I don't know what to say to him. I'm completely speechless. And so tired, too. The shock of yesterday drained me completely. He very gently presses his lips on one bruise, then the next. "I'll make sure no one hurts you, ever again" he mumbles against my skin, sending shivers down my spine. Before I can say anything, his lips come up to mine. And I feel safe. At last.

[withhowsadsteps]

love and sunsets (Matt - Blinded by the Light)

I sat down and just wrote whatever came to my mind. But there's not too much Matt stuff going on so I thought I'd give it a try. Try to enjoy, I guess

edit: i fixed some misspellings, because apparently i cant write today, sorry if missed any!

-

At first even Matt's smile made you furious. You did not even know him too well, but he seemed to have women waiting in a line just to get fucked by him, both in the physical and not-physical ways. You thought he was the biggest heartbreaker you had met so far, even worse than some of the biggest jerks at your school. Javed asked you countless times to be his plus one at Matt's parties, because Javed's parents trusted you but you didn't go.

Until one night. Javed seemed to have a bad day when he stopped you after one of Ms Clay's writing classes. "Come on, y/n. Please. Just one time. I'll owe you", he begged you until you agreed. For him. He was your best friend, how could you say no? You promised yourself that you would make sure not to even try to get to know Mr. Artist. So you sat near Javed through the whole night and said only a few words here and there, but never anything to Matt. He realized that you were avoiding him and little did you know, that he started planning his strategy to get you speaking. He wanted to be liked, so he wanted to find out what was it that kept you away from him.

You didn't even know why but you slowly started opening up to Matt's parties. You still didn't talk to Matt, expect maybe a 'hi' here and there, just not to seem like a total bitch. But you had to admit, he had hell of a music taste and some of his friends were actually really nice, including the drummer of his band. "You know I basically wrote one of the songs Javed gave you guys", you blurted out one night to the drummer, smirking. "Javed would've told me", you heard Matt say behind you. Fuck. How did you not notice him being there? His cologne usually filled your nostrils as soon as he was around you. Nothing wrong with his cologne otherwise, but it was HIS cologne and that alone drove you mad. "And why would he tell you", you spat out, spinning around and raising your eyebrows. He smirked smugly, "Oh, so you can speak?" You wanted to slap that smug smirk from his face, but remained calm and actually smiled to him. "Something wrong with not wanting to speak to you?" He shook his head a little bit, his earing shaking with his movements. He was about to open his mouth once again, but some blonde cut him off, basically attacking him and licking his face clean. It was your turn to shake your head and get away from the situation.

You did not want to admit it to yourself, but after that night something changed. Matt started acting differently around you. He did not let any of his flings stay by his sides, he made sure none of the drunken guys laid their eyes on you when he saw you get uncomfortable, but the thing that suprised you perhaps the most were the genuine smiles he showed only you. No smirks, no smugness. Just genuine smiling. You did not understand why. "What the hell is wrong with him? Does he think I'll fall for him?" you asked and turned to look at Javed, who laughed a bit. "Well, to be honest, you two would be a match made in heaven", he said and winked at you, making you punch him on his shoulder. "Y/n, I mean it. He asked which song you wrote, and let me tell you, his eyes brightened up. He loves that song", he continues with a more serious expression on his face. You felt your cheeks heating up, you felt embarassed for some reason. You should've kept your mouth shut. The song was pretty cheesy, a break up song. Sad, nostalgic. You had been in love once before and you had your heart badly broken. Maybe that is why you disliked Matt so much? Maybe you were jealous that he could find love easily, because everyone wanted him? And here you were, alone?

You were walking towards your home when you felt someone grab your hand and turn you over. It was Matt. He looked like he had been up all night. "You look rough", you told him bluntly, making him chuckle a bit. "I need you to write me another one", he said, "please". You tried to spot any hints of lies or mockery from his expression, but you didn't find any. "I can't, sorry. That was a one time thing" you told him. You weren't as heartbroken anymore, how could you write another song when there were no feelings to pour on the paper. "I'll take you out to the finest restaurant in town if you help me, I'll make sure everyone knows who wrote it", he continued. You promised to whatever you could.

After months, you still didn't have a song for Matt. You were getting to know him better now. You, Javed, Matt and his band started hanging out a lot more during the summer. You stayed outside until the sunrise and you hated to admit it, but you fell for Matt. When you actually looked at his face without so much prejudice, you saw just how beautiful he was. The colors of the countless sunsets and sunrises painted his face beautifully, sometimes leaving you breathless. But the thing that knocked you off of your feet, metaphorically, was when he played you your song. Everyone else had already returned home, but you wanted to take in the crisp air of the very early morning. He had his acoustic guitar with him and he sang to you. And then he drove you home.

A few nights after that you saw him with a girl in his arms. And that is when the feelings hit you again and the words seemed to write themselves on the paper. The song was about falling in love under the sunsets but not getting loved back. You wrote it to yourself and didn't mean to give it to Matt. He would instanly realize that you had fallen for him, and you couldn't let that happen. You forgot to hide the song, though. And the next day Javed found it laying on your nightstand. He waited until you went out of your room for some time and quickly put it in his backpack.

You sat on your spot on the hill and closed your eyes, enjoying the warm rays of the evening sun. The day had been beautiful, one of the warmest days England had to offer. You thought you were alone, since Javed was helping his dad with something and the band had practice. But soon you heard someone sit right beside you. "Thank you for the song. You made me wait thouh" You opened your eyes quickly, horrified. How did he get the song? You couldn't turn to look at Matt and you kept your mouth shut. "Why didn't you tell me? Y/n, please, look at me" he said. You bit your lip and tried to say something, but all you could do is let a tear slowly travel down your face, followed by another one. How could you tell him that seeing him with another woman made you sad when you didn't even let him know how you felt about him? He was quick to cup your face with his hands and wipe the tears away. "You were wrong about not being loved back" he whispers and presses his forehead against your head. You stayed like that for what must be at least half an hour, just looking at each other's eyes, not knowing what to say. You were just about to say something to break the silence when he pressed his lips against yours, very gently and softly, pulling you even closer.

Everyone always says that they fell in love at the first sight, but in reality, love comes slowly and then it hits you very hard.

[withhowsadsteps]

the laptop stand / au!will scho

a/n: i'm back with something, hope you like it! this time it's au!will x reader, not tom. ps. i have NO clue if the term thesis is used in UK for bachelor's and master's degree or is it a dissertation?? Imma use thesis anyway because for me it's a more natural word choice

and i'm gonna apologize FOR ANY mistakes, it's late and i can't sleep so this is what i'm doing 🙃✌️

---

The exhaustion of the past week was clearly evident on the faces of the people studying in the university's library. The smell of fresh coffee someone just bought from the little cafe inside the library filled slowly but surely filled the air and woke her up from her daydream. She had been staring at this tall, handsome guy for at least 15 minutes. Not just because of his looks, but because he was using the book she needed the most for her thesis as a freaking laptop stand. She did not know how she could ask the guy to give her the book in the nicest and least intrusive way possible. She had asked the librarian if they had another copy, but the answer was no.

She slowly made her way towards him. The golden afternoon light hit his face from such an angle that made him look like a literal angel. His blue eyes seemed to shine like the clearest sea under the sunlight. Fuck. Her heart almost skipped a beat. His looks definitely worsened the situation a lot. He had airpods in his ears, so she also had to literally briefly touch him to get his attention. And so, she tapped his shoulder lightly. He took one of his airpods out of his ear and turned to look at her. She did not know, but the way the setting sun hit her face made his heart skip a beat too. The first thing that filled his mind was her beauty. "I'm so sorry I had to disturb you, but are you using that book for something else too or is it just your laptop stand?" she managed to say under his wandering gaze. Reluctantly he shook his head. "You can definitely have it, if you need it" he said and immidiately slipped the book from under the laptop and offered it to her. "Thank you, you just saved my thesis", she sighed, relieved. She thanked him once more and left him looking after her. Neither of them new, that this was not the last time they were going to meet. Turned out, he was a regular at the library. She never used to study at the library before, but she realized that it was easier to work on some of the sources she used for her thesis there. Some of the books were for in-house borrowing only anyway. So, she saw him around a lot. And he saw her. She had occupied his mind since the first day, but he was unsure if it was ok for him to ask her out. He decided to take it slowly. Each time he saw her, he choce a seat nearer and nearer until he was sitting across the table. She smiled at him but quickly turned her face towards the pile of books she had spread around her laptop. She had thrown her hair in a messy bun, but she managed to look very good nevertheless. She looked stressed, no makeup covering up the darkened circles under her eyes. He opened his own laptop and felt kind of out of place, since he only needed his laptop and one simple book. If only he could help her. After an hour or so, he decided it was time to go get a coffee. "I'm going to grab a coffee, is it too much if I ask you to keep an eye on my laptop? I'll grab you a coffee, too." he said to hear. At first she wasn't sure if he talked to her, but after looking at him and seeing him smiling, she nodded. "It's like you read my mind, I really need some caffeine" she laughed. When she finally got up to leave, she introduced herself and he introduced himself, too. William Schofield. The name sounded just as beautiful as he looked. They even exchanged numbers and from then on, they were inseparable.

After she finished her thesis, she did not need the library as much, but she still went there. Just because of Will. Couple of months had passed and she had developed a huge crush on the man. He studied both English literature and philosophy. He was extremely smart and made the butterflies in her stomach flap their wings wildly every time he opened his mouth to speak. He looked at her admiringly whenever she talked about her studies enthusiastically. Her love for her studies and career choice was contagious and motivated him in his studies even more. They completed each other without realizing it. Late nights studying at each other's homes became a thing, too. Sometimes they would take breaks and just talk about everything from literature to movies to their favorite flowers or even their childhoods. It was not too long before they started hanging out more and more and introduced each other to their other friends. Everyone could see that they were meant to be, but them.

One summer weekend, their separate friend groups merged together and rented a cabin somewhere near a lake. They enjoyed the warm summer sun and the cool water of the lake. She was sitting outside late in the evening, with a book in her hands. He watched her from the other side of the patio, smiling. His best friend, Tom, noticed this. "You should ask her out", he told Will, "everyone else can see how much you both love each other but you." he continued. But Will was afraid of losing her. Having her in his life, even if she was just a friend, was all he wanted. She changed his life for the better, she made him feel good.

After everyone else went to sleep that night, he came out of the room he shared with Tom. He noticed a familiar silhouette on the sofa of the living room area, still reading. He chuckled, holding a book of his own in his hands. "Can I join you?" he asked, while sitting down at the sofa. She just smiled at him and nodded. Somehow she managed to gather up some courage, and decided to lay down, laying her head on his lap. His hand that was not holding the book found their way to her hair and he let his fingers run through her hair, soothingly. And that is how they managed to express wordlessly their feelings towards each other. Early the next morning, sitting on the pier while the sunrise painted the sky with its colors, they shared their first kiss.

[withhowsadsteps]

Sleepless Nights - Tom Blake (1917)

 A/N: This turned out not as good as I hoped and I haven’t had time to write for ages :( Hope someone still likes this though. words: 678

War was hell on earth. Healing from it was hard and painful. Sometimes Blake thought if it would’ve been easier to just die then and there, in Schofield’s strong arms in the once beautiful French farmland. He had to heal mentally after the physical injuries were healed. Tom used to take long walks, especially during the sleepless nights. And that is how he met her. The most beautiful woman he had never laid his eyes on. Her long curls gently flowing in the warm summer breeze while she was smiling to a bundle of daisies she had just picked from the field. She did not notice the young lance corporal watching her and her delicate and soft smile. What she was doing outside this late was a mystery, but he did not judge. Maybe she needed to clear her head too. And without the noise of other people, during the quietest time of the night was the best time to do so. For a couple of nights, he just watched her from afar, feeling a bit guilty of stalking her, but continuing anyway. Some nights she looked down, perhaps she was trying not to cry. Something about her just calmed him down, brightened up the whole world, or so it seemed.  One night in mid-July though, he finally approached her and introduced himself and they spent the whole night just staring at the sky, telling stories about their childhood. Her laughter sounded like music to his ears and made him feel bubbly inside, a feeling he had forgotten during his time in the muddy trenches. He later found out that she too wanted to escape the war, in a way, during her nightly adventures. She had lost her little brother and her older brother returned home changed. Only alone at night did she feel comfortable to show her own emotions. During the day she kept the family going, she was their backbone. So, the two youngsters helped each other through the toughest of nights. Their feelings for each other started slowly, flowing steadily as a stream but with time the stream reached the edge and poured down as a heavy, beautiful waterfall.

Her presence in the Blake household seemed to cheer even Blake’s mother. As much as she loved her two boys, she had always wished to have a daughter of her own. And when her little Tom, now all grown up, married the most precious girl, she finally got the daughter she never had. She never showed any signs of getting tired of Tom’s worst nightmares. Even though they came more scarcely now, they were still just as terrifying as ever. He could never forget the horrors he saw, but for a while every morning, his mind was cleared of everything else but his love for her. Seeing the sunlight of the rising sun softly lighten up her beautiful face from the window filled his mind with peace and content which he thought he would never be able to feel again. He would wait for her to wake up, making sure to greet her with a smile and a gentle kiss. “Good morning gorgeous”, he would whisper to her and move the stray hairs away from her face.

His love for her never decreased. She loved him even with his scars, even when he did not feel lovable. She had that kind of energy around her that healed others, mended their broken hearts. With her soft words and genuine smiles, she made anyone feel better. And he felt very lucky to call her his. He felt even luckier, when she got pregnant and he got to see her stomach grow to the most adorable baby bump.

Their family grew with a few kids and they felt comfortable watching their kids play underneath the blooming cherry trees. It felt right for them, like it was meant to be. They fit together like to puzzle pieces. And at 50, they still sometimes escaped for their nightly adventures, just the two of them.  Laying in the fields, watching the stars.

[withhowsadsteps]

Nightmares - Tom Blake (1917)

A/N: I had this idea just before I fell asleep a few nights ago about a thing… in which Tom is actually well and alive, but not in the 1910’s. so AU!Tom I guess?

this is not that gooooood I’m sorry :( especially the ending sucks because I basically had an idea for the beginning only

oh ps. mentions of burnout.

Tom tried not to worry you too much, but his nightmares were getting worse and worse. He told you once that he had the weirdest dream that he was a WW1 soldier. That he had a friend named William Schofield with whom they were trying to save Joe and many other men. You told him that probably he was just worried about his studies, which student wouldn’t be.

“In case you forgot, your major is history, right? I think that you’ve just spent way too much time with your books” you tried to comfort him.

He knew you were exhausted. He had carried you to your bed many times when you fell asleep at your kitchen table during those late-night study sessions. Your work wasn’t making it any better either.

Little did he know that he actually would scare the shit out of you soon.

-

You feel your exhaustion starting to take over your body. Your computer screen revealing to you that it is already 3am. Shit. Luckily you don’t need to go anywhere tomorrow, but you do need to finish peer-reviewing a classmate’s essay. The problem is that you don’t want to be rude, but honestly the essay is one of the most confusing essays you’ve ever read. You decide to just email the comments to the person and tell them to contact you if they have any questions. While you close your laptop, you hear Tom’s steps coming out of the bedroom.

“Oh, God no. Oh, God no”, you hear him say. You get up from the kitchen table and take cautious steps towards him and while doing so you see him clutch his abdomen. Did he hurt himself? He looks terrified and wide awake but doesn’t seem to register you at all.

“Jesus. Jesus, no.” he cries out and falls on his knees, still clutching his abdomen.

“Tom! What’s wrong”, you manage to ask him while quickly dropping near him. He doesn’t answer to you but instead cries even more. That’s when it hits you. Is he having one of those war nightmares again? You grab his face between your hands and try to wake him up, starting to cry. He’s sounds like he is in pain, he sounds so frightened and it scares you.

“Tom Blake, wake the fuck up!” you manage to scream and shake him. And that seems to do the job.

Even though his eyes were open for the whole time, only now you can see from them that he is truly awake.  He raises his shirt and traces his fingers on his skin as if not believing what he is seeing.

You were still crying and shaking. You really thought that something was physically wrong with him.

-

The doctors said that he had a burnout. Not hard to believe, right? They also suggested that he should take a break. And after complaining for a while, he admitted that he needed the break. Badly. So, for a couple of weeks, he simply enjoyed whatever activities he hadn’t had time to do. He also, believe it or not, met a guy named William fucking Schofield. They became friends very quickly. You still thought that it seemed like they had known each other forever. Tom tried to take care of you too, but you didn’t let him. But you were on the verge of a burnout, too. You denied it though. But today, today feels so hard.  

Your backpack seems to weight five times than normally. Your legs feel heavy as you take the last steps from your apartment door to your sofa, kicking your shoes somewhere along the way. You collapse between the pillows and your eyes fill up with tears. It is quiet so you assume that Tom is out somewhere. Exhaustion takes over you so quickly that you don’t even realize you are falling asleep.  You wake up only when you feel Tom’s lips on your forehead. You struggle to open your eyes, but you do so.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you” he says quietly, moving some of your hair away from your face.

“You need to take a break too. Please. I feel like I dragged you through hell with me” he continues. He looks worried, his blue eyes staring right at you. He looks sorry too, but you don’t blame him. Hell, if someone is to blame it is society with its pressure to graduate quickly with the highest grades possible.

You don’t say anything, but instead get up and snuggle close to him and let him hold you and soothe you.

And there you were. A history major and a philology major, struggling together to stay afloat after almost drowning. But you had each other. The familiar smell of his cologne, his warmth around you… knowing just how much he loved you. That is all that matters, right? You will make it out together.  He is not a dying WW1 soldier and you are not a failure even if it sure feels like it sometimes.

“I love you more than anything” you say after a while.

“I know” he says “and I love you too”.