Going Nowhere - also on AO3
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Matt tries to cross some burned bridges.
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Happy Halloween! The scariest thing for Matt Jackson is the idea of being held accountable!
~
“You have got to be kidding me.”
Matt throws on what Nick calls his “whiny bitch look”. Matt calls it an effective pout. It works on almost everyone. “It’s just for a second,” Matt says. “A couple of days. We’ll get the money back.”
Hangman leans against the door frame, face completely blank. Matt thinks it’s control. It has to be. “You want me to give you money,” Hangman says. “You. You need money.”
“Nick keeps gambling everything we own away,” Matt says. He’s not whining. Not technically. It’s something in between – something that used to always work on Hangman. Back then. “We just need enough to get a nicer hotel room.”
Hangman scoffs. “You’re begging to get suite level digs? Are you shitting me?”
Matt resists the urge to stomp his foot. “Look, I’m just asking for help.”
“You’re begging me for money.”
“Fine!” Matt says, throwing his hands in the air. “God! I’ll just ask somebody else for help. You’re the worst.”
“And you’re a douche,” Hangman says.
Matt thinks slamming the door in his face is a dick move on Hangman’s part, but he can take a hint.
His next attempt – ugh, is Kenny. He’s backstage tonight, mostly helping some of the newer people, but he’s got his own office, at least. Matt adjusts his hair and straightens. He clears his throat. And he knocks.
“Hey, I only – the fuck are you doing here?”
“Hello, Kenny,” Matt says. “I was coming to ask for some help.”
“Some,” Kenny says slowly, “help.”
Matt nods. “We need money.”
“No.”
“Wait!” Matt shoves his foot in the door before Kenny can slam it. It hurts, but he can’t let this moment pass. “Please?”
“Are you seriously asking me for money?” Kenny asks. “Me.”
“I – look, we sent you a get well soon card.”
Kenny’s eyes narrow. “Did you?”
Matt nods. “With flowers.”
“With – oh, my fucking god.” Kenny drops his head into his hands. “You fucking idiots never signed the card. I was thinking this whole time they were from some deranged fan.”
“They are from fans!” Matt says, smiling as big as he can. “Me and Nick are fans.”
“You and Nick are deranged, all right. Goodbye, Matt.”
And he kicks Matt’s toes hard enough to get the door to shut.
“Alright. Other options.”
Seven other people. He walks around to seven other people to ask them for money. He feels pathetic. He feels embarrassed. He feels like he wants to punch Nick in the shoulder.
He walks into the main locker room, because they still don’t have any space to themselves, and sits down on a bench. Just a bench. And there’s not even a single nice chair.
He sighs, loudly, and hears someone outright laughing.
“Laugh it up,” Matt grumbles. “Go ahead.”
“You two haven’t changed at all.”
Anticipation and panic thrum through Matt’s body as he looks up to see Eddie peering at him.
“Go away.”
“Oh, you’re gonna turn me away?”
Matt doesn’t want to admit why he doesn’t want to ask anything of Eddie. Mainly because he knows they both already know exactly why. “Yes,” Matt says, as authoritatively as possible. “Have a good day.” He turns on his heel and starts to walk away, but then Eddie grabs him by the arm. A flare of heat courses through Matt’s stupid old traitor of a body.
“Come on, Matty,” Eddie says, and god does Matt hate what that voice does to him. He tries to shake Eddie loose.
“I’ll be going now,” Matt says. He can’t meet Eddie’s eyes.
“You ain’t going nowhere and you know it.”
And then he caves.
Matt looks up, and Eddie looks down, and Matt really, really wishes he were anywhere else but here.
“We gotta talk.”
“We don’t.”
“We do.” Eddie glances around. “Come on. I got a place.”
“I am not going anywhere with you.” Eddie raises an single eyebrow. Matt sighs. “God. Fine. Where are we going?”
“Locker room.”
Matt groans. “Do I have to go back there?”
Eddie turns back to him. “Are you kidding me? My locker room. Me and Hook’s really, but you know.”
Matt’s so baffled he allows himself to be dragged down the hallway and thrown into a room. He should be rather indignant about that at least, but mostly he’s confused.
“You have to be kidding me,” Matt says. He’s sitting on a couch. A couch. He and Nick used to be the ones with couches.
“Well, this is what you get when you’re universally loved and coming back from injury.” Eddie gives Matt that look, that look, and Matt hopes the heat that flares inside of him doesn’t show on his face. “Jesus, really?”
“Shut up. Leave me alone. You made me come in here.” Matt curls up on himself. “What do you want with me?”
“Not the game I’m playing, Matty, but I appreciate the attempt.”
“There was no attempt!” Matt knows that was a little too loud. Maybe, even, a little too defensive. He chooses not to look at Eddie.
“The fuck is up with you and your brother?” Eddie asks. “And don’t bullshit me. You know I’m the wrong one to try that on.”
Matt sighs. Like, for a really long time. Maybe if he just keeps sighing he’ll pass out and they’ll have to call medical and he’ll get out of this conversation.
“Are you fucking holding your breath?”
Matt tries to look normal as he does actually inhale. “No.”
“You’re not getting out of this conversation,” Eddie says. “What, you break up with me and then I get injured and you turn into somebody else?” He scoffs, and Matt tries not to feel too burnt by that.
“I didn’t break up with you,” Matt mumbles. “I said we should put a pause on everything.”
“Yeah, because you didn’t like me bringing up that maybe you were getting a little out of control,” Eddie corrects. “And looks like I was right. Look at the past, what? Year? Year and a half?”
Matt knows the exact days since he and Eddie broke up. Since he decided not to drag Eddie into the ideas he and Nick determined were inevitable.
“Something like that,” Matt says. He keeps his tone light and airy. He doesn’t want Eddie to knows he cares.
“How are you handling the consequences of your actions?”
Matt’s jaw drops before he can stop himself. “Excuse you!”
“Do you not think you deserve the public flogging you’re getting?”
“We both know that’s not the kind of flogging I’m interested in,” Matt fires back. Eddie has the audacity to laugh.
“Well, good to know that hasn’t changed.”
Matt feels a combination of appreciated and indignant, a blend that hasn’t struck him since he last saw Eddie. “You’re using my feelings as a weapon, you know.”
“You learn that in therapy?”
“Television,” Matt replies. “Look, can I leave?”
Eddie sighs, and Matt is both hopeful and terrified he’s about to tell Matt to go. “If you want.” Eddie looks sad. He tends to always look sad at the end of their conversations. For every conversation Matt can remember, actually. “I don’t know what to do about it, Matt. But you and I both know this isn’t you.”
Instead of telling Matt to leave, Eddie walks out. Just like that.
Matt stares at the half open door for so long his fingers get a little numb from him not moving.
~
“Nick,” Matt says. “Get up.”
Nick looks up from his phone. “What’s gotten up your ass?”
Matt decides not to make a comment the conversation would never recover from. “We need to fix this.”
“Yeah,” Nick says, showing the gambling app on his phone. “I’m playing that while I’m on hold with some local news show. Local! But they’re willing to pay –”
“That’s not what I mean,” Matt says. “We need to fix this.” He gestures around himself. Then between the two of them. “We need to fix ourselves.”
Nick studies him. “What exactly does that mean?”
“This isn’t working,” Matt says. He doesn’t know why he feels desperate. He doesn’t know why he feels like this is so important. “Whatever – whatever we’re doing, it’s not working. We’re broke. We’re miserable. Everything sucks.” He sits down next to Nick. He needs him to understand. “And we can fix it.”
He can’t fully read Nick’s face. Not fully. But he can see that Nick can tell that this is important to him. And that means he’s halfway there.
~
Mini Playlist: Monster - Lady Gaga Devils Don't Fly - Natalia Kills My Own Medicine - The Summer Set Harder to Kill - Carter Vail