#mattlieb

[schnitzel-bob]

Episode 194

Matt cleared his throat, returning Vince's attention to the screen.

"Do you think..." Matt began, "Do you think it's really necessary for me to add "written by Matt Lieb"?"

Vince made a face.  "Well yeah.  You've got stinky fingers and stinky writing.  Probably on account of having your fingers in your butt so much.  I don't want people thinking *I* wrote this.  I'm a Master of Fine Arts for Christ's sake."

Matt nodded glumly.  "Ok.

From: https://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/sopranos-podcast-pod-yourself-a-gun-208/

[schnitzel-bob]

Episode 190

Matt was gradually woken by the buzz of his phone vibrating.  He didn't recognize the number, but this was the third time it had called.  

"Babe, answer it or turn it off."  Francesca muttered, next to him.

Normally he didn't answer numbers he didn't recognize, but on a whim, he did.

"Hello" he croaked.  

"Hello, yes, is this Matt?"  a high-pitched man's voice asked, insistent.

"Yeah... who's this?"

"This is the Olive Garden on Sepulveda boulevard.  Do you know a Vince?"

"Oh Christ," Matt thought, then said.

"Thank god.  You need to come down here right now and pick him up, or we're calling the police."

The parking lot was all but empty when he arrived.  The man on the phone was waiting at the door.  From outside, Matt could see Vince slumped over a table in the lounge.

"Finally!"  the man said, opening the door for Matt.  "He's been here since 6.  It started fine, he got endless shrimp scampi for $11.99 and our delicious double lime-a-rite on special tonight for $3.50, but then he just kept going.  On his seventh drink he started yelling about how he was family."

They looked back at Vince, who was no longer there. "Shit!" The man rushed into the kitchen, from where Matt heard the obvious sound of someone peeing into a cauldron.  

"WHAT?!" he heard Vince shout.  "I'M HOME WITH MY FAMILY.  WHAT DO YOU DO WITH *YOUR* FAMILY??  hUH?!"  

The sound of scuffling was followed by pots crashing onto the kitchen floor, then Vince shouting "GO BACK TO SCARFTOWN!"

From: https://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/frotcast-426-kobe-bryant/

[schnitzel-bob]

Episode 189

Schnitzel Bob Presents-

The Bachelor Party of Vince Mancini

Part 14: Home Again

Wes Boreland got off the phone.

“Ok, I just talked to the docs, they say your friend Steve’s gonna have a gnarly scar, but amazingly his hand should still work.”

Joey, Joe Sinclitico and Zach stood sheepishly at a distance from Vince.  He hadn’t spoken to them, had barely said anything in the last few hours.  He’d simply asked for a drink, sat down, and stared at nothing.  

Finally he croaked out a few words.  “...would... would somebody please tell Laremy to stop singing “How I Could Just Kill a Man”?”

Matt Lieb nodded and hustled over to Laremy, who had been brandishing a bone dagger and prancing in a circle for hours.  Matt tried to quietly take Laremy aside, but this started an immediate argument.  “I saved the day!  I get to do... Hey! Fuck off!” Laremy shouted as Matt tried to take the dagger from him.  “Fuck offfff!!”  They fell to the ground and started scuffling.  

Sighing, Brendan hauled himself up and limped over to stop them.

Wes sat down next to Vince.  “Bus is on its way.”

Vince nodded.  He looked over to a tarp several yards away that was covering the body of Fred Durst.  Boreland followed his gaze.  He shrugged.  “To be honest, we always kind of figured it would end that way.  Maybe not out here, but...”

Eventually, the bus arrived.  They all stood up to leave, but simultaneously hesitated.  As badly as they wanted to get out of there, something felt unfinished.  

“Oh Christ!”  Matt shouted.  “Justin!”

Vince felt a pang of guilt.  In the last few hours he’d successfully suppressed Justin’s ignominious fate, but now it came back to him.  And yet... they had no real way of getting back to where his body was, and, realistically, it had probably been defiled by bears at this point.  

After Matt had explained, all the men looked at each other.  Brendan spoke.  “His body’s probably been defiled by bears at this point...”

No one spoke.  

“Who’s going to tell his wife?”  asked Brendan, to more silence.   Gradually, people noticed that someone had started the nose game. 

Bret was the last to notice.  “What... no!  Goddamn you cowards!  You can’t possibly expect me to...” he protested, “I don’t even know the woman!”  

“Bah!  Fine!”

   -

Zach, Steve, Joe, Matt, Joey, Bret, Brendan, Laremy, and Vince shuffled off the bus into James Armstrong Richardson Internal Airport in a brisk early winter wind.  As they approach security, they recognized a familiar face.  Matt Ufford, looking rested and content.  

“Hey guys!  Did I miss much?”

From: https://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/frotcast-423-gervais-globes/ 

[schnitzel-bob]

Episode 186

Schnitzel Bob Presents-

The Bachelor Party of Vince Mancini

Part 11: Oh Cruel Fate

They didn’t speak.  Didn’t stop.  They just ran, or more accurately, jogged and hobbled, respectively.

Vince was buoyed by signs of civilization, the odd, abandoned cabin or dirt trail.  His rational mind had been overwhelmed by fatigue, so he clung desperately to the hope that it meant they were getting closer to escape.  

Matt was obviously running out of gas.  He was barely keeping up and was animated more by inertia than anything.  His instinct for self-preservation was spent.  He felt a vague feeling of remorse over Justin’s fate but didn’t have the emotional wherewithal to understand it, much less address it. 

They came to the edge of a soggy marsh, which showed the same signs of previous habitation they’d already seen.  In this case, old boards were laid out more or less in a path to help travelers navigate the space.  Vince paused, so Matt immediately sat, numb to the fact that his pants were soaking through.

Vince scouted the path ahead.  “Alright.  Looks like this leads to an actual road, over on the other side.”  He pointed to a spot that might be a road, several hundred yards away.  Matt didn’t look up.

“I’m done, dude.”

“What?”

“This is where I stop.”

“Matt, that’s crazy.  They’re still following us.  Anytime we stop more than half an hour they catch up.”

Matt remained silent.  Vince crouched beside him.

“Look, I know you’re tired, but we’re almost there!  Look at the road!”

Matt looked where Vince was pointing and shook his head.

“Could be a road.  I don’t know.  I’m done.”

Earlier, Vince would have had the energy for an angry outburst, might have tried to pick Matt up and bring him.  But whatever part was still capable of analysis looked at the situation and saw the truth.  Vince couldn’t carry Matt, not through this.  If Matt refused to move, there was nothing he could do.

Vince stared blankly at the ground.  Neither man said anything for several minutes.

Finally Vince broke the silence.  “Hide.  I’ll help you.”

A faint smile came to Matt’s lips.  “No, I have a better idea.”

Matt staggered up and walked into the marsh, crouching down into a stand of reeds next to the unstable path.  Vince nodded in understanding.  

Vince made his way slowly across the marsh.  The path was much less sure than he’d initially thought, and  on several occasions he nearly fell into the deep pools of muck that pocketed the area.

At the edge of the marsh he did find an old dirt road.  He could just make out the spot where he knew Matt was waiting, but couldn’t see him.  Turning his back on the marsh, Vince continued.

For his part, Matt waited, falling into a semi-conscious state that couldn’t really be called sleep.  He drifted back and forth, not feeling any more refreshed. 

Eventually, he heard people approaching and perked up slightly.  Thinking of the past few hours, rage began to build.  He stayed crouched in absolute silence, waiting as the group carefully picked their way along the path.  The famous cavalry charge from Braveheart wormed it’s way into his head, with Mel Gibson’s shout of “HOLD!” reverberating in his mind.

“HOLD!” They were now 20 feet away.

“HOLD!” 10 feet.

“HOLD YOU GODDAMNED JEW!” 5 feet.

"NOW!"

Matt sprung up.

“Allahu Whackbar, Motherfuckers!”

He dove towards two men, knocking them sideways into the mire and following them in.  All three disappeared under the water.      

From: https://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/frotcast-bonus-marriage-story/

Frotcast Bonus: ‘Marriage Story’ With Francesca Fiorentini

The Frotcast watched Marriage Story this week and we have lots to complain about.

[schnitzel-bob]

Episode 185

Schnitzel Bob Presents:

The Bachelor Party of Vince Mancini

Part 10 - Surviving Justin

Vince, Matt and Justin continued running, managing to lose their pursuers but remaining well and truly lost.  And every time they stopped, within twenty minutes they started hearing the sound of people closing in.

The third time this happened, Vince noticed Matt’s bulging cargo shorts.  

“Matt!” he snapped, “what the hell is in that pocket?  Is it gonna help us?”

Matt reached down and undid the velcro.  He pulled out the video camera he’d been using to film himself earlier.  As he did realization dawned.

“the GPS tracker...” he said, as much to himself as to Vince.  Vince smashed the camera and hurled the wreckage into the woods.  “Let’s keep going and see if we can lost them for longer this time.”

Vince had no end game, save survival, but they had been running long enough that he knew they couldn’t go on forever.  Sharp, stabbing pain in his ribs tortured him as he ran, and his mouth felt pasty when they stopped.

Without really realizing it, Vince led them towards the light, a stark edge to the forest.  He came to a gradual halt at the edge of an abandoned gravel quarry carved out of the woods.

Vince stopped gradually, as did Justin.  Matt did not.  Aching from the constant running and barely able to keep up, he heaved into Justin’s back, not knowing they were stopping.  Both men tumbled 20 feet down the steep hill into the quarry.

Not terribly injured, they both attempted to stand back up but found the loose gravel gave them no purchase.  Matt lay still, catching his breath.  A few feet higher, Justin managed to sit up, but slid down further, towards a sharp drop.  

He flailed his arms in an attempt at balance.  Matt reached out a hand for Justin to grab, but at that moment, high above, a falcon shat.  The turd hit Matt’s hand, combining with sweat to turn his palms into rank grease.  Justin’s hand slipped easily out of his, and the force of Matt’s missed lunge led to both men slapping their own face, smearing it in bird poop.       

Justin continued his inexorable slide.  Matt saw the resigned look in his eyes, the sense that this was what his father had warned about all these years.  Justin began to speak softly to Matt: “tell my wife and kids I l-”.  He was suddenly cut off by a second round of falcon poop, which landed directly in his mouth.  He simply coughed as he fell off the edge.  

The tumble was worthy of vaudeville.  With each thump he hit another spot on his bruised body, and his falling curses had a mastery of comedic timing that his colleagues in the writer’s room would have loved.   And then they stopped.

Vince had torn up his shirt to make an impromptu rope, and lowered himself down to Matt.  They stared together at Justin’s mangled corpse, a 100 feet below, which was now being investigated by a marmot.

Vince grabbed Matt by the waist and hoisted them both back to the edge of the forest.  They said nothing and kept moving.  

From: https://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/frotcast-421-billy-dee/

Frotcast 421: How Gender Fluid Is Billy Dee? With Anna Valenzuela And Zack Chapaloni

Anna Valenzuela and Zack Chapaloni join the podcast to discuss Billy Dee Williams and the life cycle of a story.

[schnitzel-bob]

Episode 184

Schnitzel Bob Presents:

The Bachelor Party of Vince Mancini

Part 9 - Run, big man, run

Brendan, Vince, Matt and Justin ran.  In the dense brush, they periodically fell and had to pick themselves up, fumbling to untangle shoelaces and generally making far less progress than their adrenaline infused minds insisted they should.  The buzz of chainsaws seemed ever looming, a steadily approaching menace.

Gradually, they put enough distance between themselves and their pursuers to feel safe pausing.

Unaccustomed to this level of cardio, Matt dry-heaved, bent over, and gasped to catch his breath.  Brendan plopped down to the ground heavily and began rubbing his left ankle.

Justin Halpern leaned against a tree casually.  Vince stared, obviously wondering how he was not out of breath.  “We have a treadmill in the writer’s room,” Justin offered, “use it when we need to generate ideas.  That reminds me, did I ever tell you the story about the time Christopher Walken came in to read for a part on Shit my Dad Says?”

“Not... now... Justin.” Matt gasped.

After five minutes, they again began to hear the faint sounds of their pursuers.  “Fuck.” Vince swore.

As Matt, Vince and Justin prepared to keep moving, Brendan stayed where he was.  “I can’t do it.  You’ll have to go on without me.”

“What are you talking about, you dumb asshole?” Vince replied.

“Look at my ankle, dude!” Brendan’s ankle had swollen to the size of a cantaloupe.  He attempted to put weight on it before collapsing.  “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Then I’ll carry you!” Vince declared angrily, desperately, as he attempted to pick Brendan up and carry him.  And while Vince was indeed a bulky boi (”the strongest wop this side of the Sierra Nevada,” his father had recently declared), the human giant was beyond his abilities.  Both fell, Brendan back on his ankle.  It took all he had not to cry out in pain.

“Go!” Brendan muttered between gritted teeth.  The sound of the mob approached.

Vince quickly scanned the area and spotted a hollow.  He helped Brendan over to it and handed him a sharp stick before gathering up branches and leaves.  Within a few minutes, Brendan was inexpertly hidden.  

The two men shared a look, and nodded.  The approaching figures were now close enough that they could be made out in the distance, between trees.

Without speaking, Vince turned to Matt and Justin.  They hurried on.

From: https://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/frotcast-420-sugar-ray-breakup/

[schnitzel-bob]

Episode 182

Schnitzel Bob Presents:

The Bachelor Party of Vince Mancini

Part 8 - Into the Wild

Joey, Zach, and Steve were missing from breakfast (beans with wieners on toast).  Brendan was the first to notice.  When they asked Fred Durst, he shrugged.

“Your younger friend wasn’t feeling well, so those two other dudes went to bring him to a hospital.  The nearest one’s three hours away, so they could be a while.  We lent them one of the trucks.”

It was plausible, and with no cell service, it was impossible to check.  Brendan put aside his unease.  “So, what’s the plan for today?”

Fred signaled to one of the dead-eyed workers that loitered around the camp, who went into a boxcar and emerged with box of old video cameras.  He distributed one each to Brendan, Vince, Matt, Justin, Joe, and Laremy.  

“Now, be careful with these, they’re antiques.  These are the same ones they used on the original Blair Witch Project”

They were brought in an old truck to the end of a dirt road, then got out and followed Fred for 30 minutes until they were thoroughly lost.  

“Ok, so.  Basically, we want you guys to run around and act scared.  I mean, like, real, pants-shitting stuff.  Do that for the morning, then we’ll regroup at noon and see what your footage looks like.”

He turned, returning the way he came.  “You’re not staying?” Matt asked.

“Nah, man, I don’t want to interrupt your process.  It’ll be better this way, trust me.”

He turned to leave again before remembering another thing. “Oh, and don’t worry about getting lost, those cameras have GPS trackers on them, so we’ll be able to find you as long as you have them.”  

They did as instructed, and after a short while felt comfortable expressing fake fear.  Even Vince, for whom acting was the exact opposite of his comfort zone, got into the spirit of things.”

“Should we split up?  Get solo footage?”  Matt suggested.

“Ok, but not too far.  We’re way out here, man.  Let’s not lose each other.” Brendan replied.

They each tromped in separate directions, and before Vince knew it he could hardly even hear the others.  A sense of serenity came over him as the song of warblers and chickadees echoed through the woods.  Taking a break from filming, he walked slowly, enjoying the calm.

After 20 minutes, the absence of the others began to concern him.  Finding a clearing, he decided to stop and try and make enough noise for the others to find him.  Not knowing what else to do, he began singing at the top of his lungs.  “WELL I’M HERE, TO REMIND YOU, OF THE MESS YOU LEFT WHEN YOU WENT AWAY...”

His own personal birdsong worked.  He noticed Brendan, Matt and Justin emerge together on one side of the clearing, and Laremy on another.  

Finally Joe emerged as well.  “Hey Vince!” he called out. “Listen to this rap I just wrote about your mom!”  He began sing-rapping.

“Stand behind me and gui-”  Joe suddenly stopped talking and looked down.  The tip of a machete was sticking out from the center of his chest.  He emitted a confused gurgle before falling to the ground, revealing a man behind him.  The man had a Slipknot mask, no shirt, leather chaps, and a variety of knives, as well as a chainsaw on a strap.  He pointed to Brendan’s small group and slashed his thumb across his throat.  Activating his chainsaw, he made his way towards them.

Pure instinct kicked in, and before Vince knew it, he was charging towards the man.  Too late, the man noticed and was unable to react as Vince plowed shoulder first into his side.  They fell to the ground with a crunch of breaking ribs, and a shriek of pain.  Startled, Vince noticed that the chainsaw had narrowly missed him, instead burying itself between the man’s left thumb and index down to the wrist.  

Vince popped up and stared down and the wounded man, genuinely unsure what to do.  At that moment, several more figures, similarly dressed, emerged from the woods.  Vince rejoined Brendan, Matt and Justin.  He looked across the clearing to helpless Laremy, who was now being chased in the opposite direction.  Nothing for it.  “Run.”  He instructed.     

From: https://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/frotcast-live-riff-cobra/

[schnitzel-bob]

Episode 181

Schnitzel Bob Presents

The Bachelor Party of Vince Mancini

Part 7 - The Chocolate Starfish

They arrive at the filming location.  It looked like a post-apocalyptic village constructed by people whose only frame of reference of the pre-calamity world were monster truck races.

Every “building” was a railway boxcar.  Dirt roads were littered with half-buried duckboards and a sprinkling of gravel to give the illusion of stability.  The central yard was illuminated by one main lamp, with decorative strings of Halloween lights providing the only other source of light.  Hand written cardboard signs indicated the function of each structure, marking the “shitters,” “food” and “beds.”  The space was littered with half-ton trucks in various states of decomposition and functionality. There did not appear to be big camera rigs or even any film equipment, although given the found footage approach of the first Blair Witch project, this was unsurprising.

Bret took one step off the bus, looked around, and said “no” before returning back on for the trip back to Winnipeg.    No one bothered to argue with him.

Fred Durst emerged from behind the toilets, wiping his hands on his pants.  Every bit the image of himself, he wore a red Yankees cap backwards, with a  soul patch and dark t shirt.  His pants were kept sagging, with a skateboard and spray can for the tagging.

He lit up when he saw Vince and friends.  “You guys are the crew who answered the casting call?”  Brendan nodded.

“Awesome, awesome.” He muttered as he held a cigarette between his lips and lit it.

To date, he was the only person they’d seen, but as Durst spoke to them, various faces began to appear.  All bore a look of catatonic boredom, and none had the appearance of people doing actual work.

“You guys hungry?”  Durst asked, leading them towards the food car.  “Wes makes a mean chili, if you don’t mind getting wicked farts.”

Awestruck Matt Lieb finally found his tongue.  “Wes Boreland??”  He asked, obviously excited.  Durst grinned.  “The big dumb face himself.  He’s got this cat shelter built out back for rescues, man, I’ll have to show it to you.”  

Joey excused himself to go lie down, looking wan and claiming a headache.

After supper, they sat around a bonfire drinking moonshine.  Vince felt strangely relaxed, looking up as the rising sparks from the fire became indistinguishable from the pinpoints of starlight.  In that moment, he felt infinite.  Or at least he did until he was stirred from his meditation by a deep, rumbling fart from Brendan, who had fallen asleep.

Vince rose and staggered towards the bed car.  Finding the first open cot in the darkness, he didn’t notice that Joey wasn’t anywhere in the car.  

From: https://uproxx.com/filmdrunk/lighthouse-frotcast-419/