The yearning that is Maul, man. I hurt my own feelings sometimes with this guy.
Say he achieves the impossible and finds himself wanting to be legitimately affectionate with someone. He values them. Respects them. Understands consent. But behind all of that, Maul understands who he is. What that must mean to a person who isn’t him.
He can’t do this. He wants this simple thing, just a touch of affection, brushing a hand over someone’s shoulder, holding their hand… an embrace is something he’s seen in holos and books and it looks… lovely to nestle one’s hearts near someone and be held in their arms… but it’s entirely out of the question.
He’ll have to ask first. And to ask, will be to admit wanting. And to admit wanting, it will mean expressing his own desire to someone else. This isn’t a desire for power or prestige or even things. This is a vulnerable desire to be close and to be touched, to be made soft by the hands of another. Not only does Maul not know how to verbalize such a thing, but even if he figured it out, the nature of who he is and who he has been will make such a request come off as a threat, a demand. Not that it absolutely would; this is how he perceives himself.
And whoever this person is who’s gotten Maul to this point? He wouldn’t want to do that to them. The amount of love and affection that it would take to bring that man to this place emotionally would be incredible. So if he wants this, he REALLY DOES love them. And if he loves them, Maul couldn’t bring himself to demand such things of them.
They of course won’t reciprocate willingly because how could anyone perceive him as anything but a living, breathing threat? They’ll do it out of fear. And for once, Maul doesn’t want to be feared. He wants to be loved.
So he’s frozen. He can’t ask. He can’t have. And he’s starved. It aches like hunger in his bones to simply be loved. Just for a moment. Please. But it’s impossible. And that one little moment is like having a drop of water on your tongue in the middle of the desert. Nice but more…
When they are near him, the urge to lay a hand on their back, fix their hair, just the smallest of touches, is impossible to ignore. So he crosses his arms, folds his hands behind his back, something, anything to leash himself and keep himself from betraying this person so terribly. He uses terms like “leash” and “bridle”’with himself often; Maul isn’t a person. Maul is a creature and the person or people who he finds himself wishing to be close to can’t know how fragile and wounded he truly is, so he uses impersonal, careless terms even in his thoughts.
His coldness toward himself is a shield.
Because even if Maul did work up the nerve to ask, to express a want… he’s repulsive to them, he knows he is, even though they smile and seem to enjoy his presence sometimes. Even if they reach out to him. Even if they express softness toward him. It can’t be real. If he allows the same, it’ll ruin everything; he won’t even have this false affection and it’s… it’s admittedly better than nothing.
(You add the layer of this person not liking touch at all and oh God the man HATES HIMSELF for wanting something he knows aggravates this person so badly; he’s so evil and rotten for wanting this. Self-harm would probably come into the picture here; how can he consider what he feels to be love AT ALL when it is something this person hates so very much and it’s all he wants? There must be a punishment. He must teach himself to shut this out. He will deserves to suffer for this.)