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I do have a sense of humour / I’m more laid back than these text posts would make you believe. Just not when I’m talking to myself. You know?

I would really like to talk to other system members that aren’t hosts, just to feel less alone. But even talking here J and I aren’t entirely convinced I exist.

(Which is nonsense. Of course I do. But try telling J that.)

#actuallydissociative #actuallymultiple #actuallytraumagenic #actuallyosdd #actuallydid #Max appears.

Where are you, kids? I’m tired and I can’t see through the fog.

#Max appears.#They've been gone for so long.#Someone else is lurking. Somewhere in the fog.#Sleep deprivation.#Habit is that you.#After so many years.

Habit at the back of my head suggests making something he hates, just to ‘punish him’. But that wouldn’t solve anything.

#Max appears.#It's been a while since Habit was around. I don't think J can hear it. But I can.#At least I think so. I don't really have access to my own memories with J here- and he's /always/ here. Even quietly. So.#But anyway yeah no Habit we're not going to make him eat endless rice.#Thanks for the suggestion. But no.#I'm going to do my job.

Once again, he’s failing to feed himself. Which is where I come in.

#Max appears.#Funny that I never used to resent having to take care of his body.#(I would say 'our' body. But I think we all know it's his.)#I didn't mind for so long.#But then she happened. And he let me enact and endure everything he didn't want to.#Because it absolved him.#As if I was just...#I don't know.#But I haven't been the same since.#.vents

The fact that I don’t exist until existence becomes inconvenient for J bothers me.

#Max appears.#.vents

The thing is that he’s upset about something so absolutely inconsequential I can barely wrap my head around it. It’s not that I don’t understand why he feels this way, I just don’t ‘get’ why it’s bothering him so much. Or why it’s happening now, after he was fine for so long.

To put it simply: J is of course aromantic, or something close to it. And relationship-repulsed, with a fear of ever getting into another one given how disastrously they have all gone in the past. Even our last one, which was undeniably healthy in many regards (but deteriorated towards the end), ended horribly.

But J, unfortunately, has feelings of a kind for someone. And whether those feelings are only the result of that person having expressed feelings for him first in the past is impossible to tell. That those feelings would continue to exist once a relationship was initiated is extremely unlikely. And the person in question is likely not an ideal partner, in any case, nor would J be an ideal partner for them. There is too much to figure out on both ends.

I think he’s touch-starved. I think he’s starved for affection, and wants to love and be loved and have all of the benefits of a romantic relationship with none of the drawbacks, like effort and commitment, both of which he’s afraid of. And I think that these things cannot be reconciled. He cannot have one thing and not the other.

The desire for intimacy conflicts with the fear/repulsion of relationships, and those impulses are both completely at odds with one another, but of equal intensity. So there’s no solution but to continue as normal, without doing anything about it, because nothing can be done. Ultimately the fear of having a relationship end again, and suffering through it in the meantime, and losing a valued friend as a result, outweighs all of the potential benefits a relationship might bring.

#Max appears.#.vents #This is the only place we can discuss this.#And he is apparently unwilling to do so without speaking through me.#I don't think he wants to admit to himself what he's feeling.

I suppose it’s inevitable that I would have to come back eventually.

Someone doesn’t want to deal with themselves today. Therefore, the job falls to me.

#Max appears.#I don't particularly want to be here either but that's just the way it is.

We’re definitely going to revamp this blog so as to no longer call ourselves a ‘system’ anymore. We will still interact with DID/OSDD blogs (if they’re comfortable with it) because there is no other plural community we can think of that we could relate to, but ultimately, we don’t feel comfortable using the same terminology as those with DID/OSDD anymore. It feels dishonest, and a little like theft, and ultimately the terminology alienates us because we don’t feel the same as other systems.

We are still very much traumagenic. I’m just not sure this isn’t something that’s being... perhaps not faked, but exaggerated in our mind. Even as I type this I feel as though it’s just the host taking on a different personality. I can’t be sure--we can’t be sure--what’s him and what isn’t, or if there’s anything other than him at all. So. Here we are.

- Max.

edit: yeah basically the thing is that like, even if i don’t feel like we’re a ‘system’ in a way that would fit did/osdd, i still want somewhere i can express this shit? like even if it’s fake or i’m exaggerating or don’t really have alters but am just using the idea as some kind of coping mechanism due to trauma and mental illness, i don’t think it’s such a bad thing to have a blog i can express this shit on, or sideblogs to do it more intensely? ya feel me?

- j

#Max appears.#actuallyosdd #actuallyplural #actuallymultiple #actuallytraumagenic #You won't see me feeling insecure often. But J's influence is strong- I'm essentially just typing for him.#.vents #j talks.