The thing is that he’s upset about something so absolutely inconsequential I can barely wrap my head around it. It’s not that I don’t understand why he feels this way, I just don’t ‘get’ why it’s bothering him so much. Or why it’s happening now, after he was fine for so long.
To put it simply: J is of course aromantic, or something close to it. And relationship-repulsed, with a fear of ever getting into another one given how disastrously they have all gone in the past. Even our last one, which was undeniably healthy in many regards (but deteriorated towards the end), ended horribly.
But J, unfortunately, has feelings of a kind for someone. And whether those feelings are only the result of that person having expressed feelings for him first in the past is impossible to tell. That those feelings would continue to exist once a relationship was initiated is extremely unlikely. And the person in question is likely not an ideal partner, in any case, nor would J be an ideal partner for them. There is too much to figure out on both ends.
I think he’s touch-starved. I think he’s starved for affection, and wants to love and be loved and have all of the benefits of a romantic relationship with none of the drawbacks, like effort and commitment, both of which he’s afraid of. And I think that these things cannot be reconciled. He cannot have one thing and not the other.
The desire for intimacy conflicts with the fear/repulsion of relationships, and those impulses are both completely at odds with one another, but of equal intensity. So there’s no solution but to continue as normal, without doing anything about it, because nothing can be done. Ultimately the fear of having a relationship end again, and suffering through it in the meantime, and losing a valued friend as a result, outweighs all of the potential benefits a relationship might bring.