I Won’t Let You Go
We lay on our backs in the grass, looking at the stars. Carmilla had her arm around me and I was cuddled close to her, enjoying the warmth in the chilly night air. We had been like that for hours, talking long into the night.
“Sometimes I feel so small, ya know? Compared to the constellations. It puts everything in perspective, like even when I’m having the crappiest day I know that in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t even matter, because the stars will just keep shining. It almost feels peaceful.”
I look away from the sky at her face. She’s gazing at the stars, with her lips slightly downturned, and her eyes looking like she might close them.
“Wow, Carm, you’re getting all philosophical on me here.” I nudge her leather-clad shoulder and smile up at her. I see an eyebrow raise, and she tears her gaze away from the night sky to look at me, a half-hearted smirk on her face.
“Yeah, I guess I am.” She turns her face away. I take the opportunity to gaze at the back of her head. God damn, she’s beautiful. Her hair falls in lazy waves over her shoulder, the soft ends just barely tickling my nose, and I can smell her conditioner. It smells like vanilla and cinnamon, and I close my eyes for a minute and lose myself in a cocoon of her closeness.
Without warning, she rolls over, placing her arms on either side of my head. My heart leaps into my throat and I wrap my arms around her waist, holding her close. She holds her weight up, suspending herself just barely off of me, and my heart is beating a million miles a minute. Her lips are just centimeters from mine and barely parted, but I know she won’t kiss me. We’ve been seeing eachother for a few months, and although there have been many heart-stopping moments like this, never once has she kissed me, and never once have I closed the gap myself, not wanting to push my boundaries. Nevertheless, that doesn’t stop my stomach from becoming a butterfly garden as I allow myself to fantasize seconds into the future.
She looks down at me, saying nothing, for what seems to stretch on for a lifetime. I can hear my heartbeat thundering in my ears, and her stomach is flush with mine, the warmth flooding into me.
“Laura?” The word is a hoarse whisper, barely audible if she wasn’t this close, and I swear I hear her voice catch. Her eyes are dry and clear, but it almost sounds as if she is on the verge of crying.
“Yeah, Carm?” I remove one hand from her waist and lift it, moving my arm to gently caress her face. I trace her cheekbone with one finger and stop, lingering on her smooth skin and holding her. She blinks, and she is so close that her eyelashes almost touch mine. For a moment, it seems like she might say nothing at all, and then she does.
“I love you.” and I swear my heart has stopped in my chest. Carmilla stares down at me, her mouth still slightly open as if those words had pulled the last air out of her lungs, and I’m sure I am mirroring her expression.
“Carm..” the single syllable escapes my lips, and I realize that we are both holding our breaths. Almost in synchronization, I feel our chests start moving again, and she closes her mouth, tightening her lips by the smallest increment. I presently remember the three words that she just said, and the fact that I have yet to say them back.
“I love you too.”
As soon as I say it, the oxygen rushes into my lungs as if I have never breathed before.
Carmilla stares at me for a second, and I am about to say something else but-
Suddenly, she drops her weight entirely onto me as if her muscles have given out. I let out a small huff of air in surprise, and for a second wonder if she has somehow lost consciousness. Just before I am about to try to push her off and check for a pulse, I hear her sigh. It is a very soft, contented sigh, and although I can’t see her face, I know she is smiling. Slowly, I wrap my arms around her and hold her tightly against myself. She feels more relaxed than she ever has since I met her, and I wonder if this amazing girl has finally taken down her walls. As our breathing falls into rhythm, I close my eyes and let myself drift off, and I can only remember thinking one thing++.
It’s okay. I’ve got you, and I won’t let you go.