In the Shadow of Aporia, the Dream of Ataraxia (68,720 words) by wanderlust_lib
As I am writing the last chapter for this Maxiel fic, I felt it would be apt to share it here. This fic has been very ambitious for me at times, but it has always had my whole heart. It's coming to an end, and I feel nostalgic already. So, here's an excerpt from Chapter 5:
The engine's scream was deafening, reverberating in Max’s chest as he tore down the straight. He could feel the adrenaline coursing through his veins, but it wasn’t the sharp, focused kind he usually thrived on. No, this was chaotic and erratic. Too much and not enough all at once. His hands trembled on the wheel, his grip too tight, his breathing too shallow.
You’re not enough. The thought clawed its way through his mind, an echo of his own voice, venomous and unrelenting. You’ll never be enough.
He could barely focus, Daniel’s words playing on a loop in his head. That look in Daniel’s eyes, hurt, disappointment, defeat, had gutted him. And now, out here on the track, Max couldn’t shake it. He couldn’t focus. The corners blurred into each other, his vision narrowing as his own thoughts consumed him.
You’re dragging us down. Daniel’s voice again, not in anger but in something worse, resignation. Max blinked hard, trying to shake the memory, but it clung to him like a shadow. His chest felt tight, his helmet suffocating.
A sharp corner loomed ahead, and Max braked too late, his tires screeching as the car skidded wide. He corrected it, barely, the car wobbling before regaining traction. His radio crackled to life, his engineer’s voice tense but calm. “Max, focus. Tighten it up. You’re losing time.”
Losing time. Losing control. Losing everything.
He gritted his teeth, pushing harder, but his movements felt off, jerky, disconnected like someone else had taken over his body. The dissociation crept in, familiar and unwelcome. He felt detached, like he was watching himself from a distance, powerless to intervene.
And then Daniel was there.
In his mirrors at first, gaining ground with a precision that Max had always envied. He could see the glint of Daniel’s car; he could imagine the determined look on his face and the set of his jaw. They’d raced each other countless times before, but this felt different. This wasn’t a competition. It was something darker, heavier, an extension of the argument that still hung in the air between them.
Daniel was faster through the turns, his car closing the gap with ease. And then, in a flash of movement, he was alongside Max, their cars side by side as they approached a high-speed turn.
Max’s heart pounded, his breath shallow and erratic. Give him space, a voice in his head warned, but another voice, louder and angrier, drowned it out. Why should you? He doesn’t trust you. He doesn’t believe in you. Why should you make it easy for him?
His hands hesitated on the wheel for a fraction of a second. But it was enough.
The world exploded around him.
The cars collided with a sickening crunch of metal and carbon fiber, the force of the impact jerking Max violently in his seat. His car spun out of control, the tires screeching as it skidded across the track and slammed into the barriers. The impact was brutal; the air was knocked out of his lungs as the car crumpled around him.
For a moment, there was nothing. Just absolute silence, broken only by the distant roar of the crowd. Max’s ears rang, his vision swimming as he tried to make sense of what had just happened. Pain shot through his body, sharp and unforgiving, but it was nothing compared to the panic that gripped him when he looked up and saw Daniel’s car.
It was smashed against the wall; the front end crumpled beyond recognition. Smoke billowed from the wreckage, and Daniel wasn’t moving.
“No. No, no, no.” Max’s voice was hoarse, barely audible over the chaos around him. Adrenaline surged through him, dulling the pain as he fumbled with his harness, his hands shaking uncontrollably. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. The only thing that mattered was getting to Daniel.
He stumbled out of the car, his legs buckling beneath him as he hit the ground. The world tilted, spinning wildly, but he forced himself up, his body screaming in protest. He staggered toward Daniel’s car, his mind a chaotic blur of fear and desperation.
“Daniel!” he shouted, his voice breaking. He didn’t care about the paramedics rushing toward him; he didn’t care about the team members yelling on the radio to stay back. All he could see was Daniel slumped in the cockpit, motionless.
He’s hurt. He’s hurt because of you. The thought hit him like a physical blow, knocking the air from his lungs.
The ground felt unsteady beneath him as he reached the wreckage, his knees threatening to give out. He grabbed at the side of Daniel’s car, his fingers scraping against the jagged metal as he tried to pull himself closer.
“Get out of the way!” a paramedic shouted, their hands grabbing at Max’s arms to pull him back. But he fought them, his desperation giving him strength.
“I need to see him!” Max yelled, his voice raw and broken. “Please, I need to—”
“Let us do our job,” another paramedic said firmly, their tone leaving no room for argument. They pushed Max back, their hands firm but not unkind.
Max stumbled, his knees hitting the ground as he watched them work to extract Daniel from the wreckage. His vision blurred, tears streaming down his face as he tried to make sense of the chaos around him.
He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t move. All he could do was watch as they lifted Daniel’s limp body from the car, his helmet tilted at an unnatural angle.
“No,” Max whispered, his voice trembling. “No, no, no.”
The world around him felt distant, the noise fading into a dull hum. His chest ached, his heart pounding so hard it felt like it might burst.
This is your fault. The thought was relentless, unyielding. You did this. You hurt him. You ruin everything.
He wanted to scream, to claw at his own skin, to tear himself apart from the inside out. The personas in his mind—those fractured, splintered pieces of himself—screamed with him, their voices overlapping in a cacophony of guilt and despair.
One voice whispered cruelly, This is what you deserve. Another shouted, Get up! Do something! But Max couldn’t move. He was frozen, trapped in his own mind as the weight of his actions crushed him.
The paramedics moved quickly, lifting Daniel onto a stretcher, his body limp and unresponsive. Max reached out, his hand trembling as he tried to grab at the air, to reach for Daniel, but he was too far away.
“Daniel!” he shouted, his voice breaking. “Please, don’t—”
His own body betrayed him then, the adrenaline fading as pain and exhaustion took over. His vision darkened at the edges, his breaths shallow and ragged. The last thing he saw before everything went black was Daniel’s stretcher disappearing into the ambulance, the doors closing with a final, echoing thud.
And then, there was nothing.
Meanwhile, you could also check out The weight of Blue. This is the fic I will continue after I have finished this one. Please do share your feedback for both!!
