Heavy Feelings
Coco X OC
TRIGGER WARNING: Self Harm (i.e., description of cutting)
You ever get a sudden crushing feeling of loneliness? And it doesn’t matter if you’re all alone or standing in a room full of people. It’s like the jovial conversation and laughter that surrounds you doesn’t fully penetrate that hazy feeling in your head and you can’t focus on anything but how miserable you feel. You try to do anything you can to avoid the huge wave of emotions that are threatening to spill out in the middle of a party. Drinking helps, sometimes, other times it feels like an extra weight is added to the heaviness that you’re already carrying. And there’s no way you could ever fully explain it to someone without sounding like a complete mental case.
Feelings of overwhelming sadness were washing over me like waves; threatening to explode one second and then receding the next. Tonight wasn’t the night to feel like this. No, this feeling was reserved for nights when I was alone, holed up in my tiny apartment, with Netflix, a bottle of wine, and no obligations the next day. This Friday was my only night off from the salon in what felt like forever and I was spending it with my best friend at one of the weekly parties at the Mayans clubhouse. Currently I was leaning heavily on Gilly casually chatting. One of his large hands was wrapped around my exposed waist while the other was gripping a cold beer. We were standing in the back of the clubhouse, watching Angel, Creeper, Coco, and EZ play out a very intense game of pool.
My friend, Alyssa, was hovering around Taza and Bishop on the other side of the clubhouse, hoping to be the lucky sweetbutt to keep one, or both, of the men company tonight. Usually I can focus on my surroundings but today felt like I was walking in a cloud of misery. Naturally, alcohol and sex were my go to avoidance tactics and I frequently seeked out the Mayan men for a no strings attached good time. Even with Gilly’s warmth and 5 or maybe 6 beers, I couldn’t shake the urge to cut. To let out all these bad feelings and to be mentally exhausted enough to pass out for at least 8 blissful and uninterrupted hours.
“I think I’m gonna go home.” I said to Gilly, placing a manicured hand on the soft leather of the Mayans chest to get his attention.
Generally, these men didn’t care about the day to day feelings of the sweetbutts but even Gilly seemed to notice how off I was. “No worries.” He said, finishing off his beer. “You okay?” He asked as I untangled myself and grabbed my purse that was sitting on the stool behind me.
No. “Yeah, I’m good. I just have an early morning tomorrow.” It was a lie but I was getting angsty, like I needed to get the fuck out of there before I broke down in front of everyone.
We said our goodbyes and I shot Alyssa a quick text before shuffling out into the cool California air. I tried to wait until I got home but I couldn’t stop thinking of that relief that would inevitably come from drawing blood. I scurried around one of the large scrap buildings that littered the yard, somewhere out of sight from curious eyes. There weren’t any lights so I was fairly confident that I wouldn’t be interrupted.
I felt around in my bag for the ratty handkerchief. The razor head was cleaned and tucked neatly in the middle of the blue checkered cloth. I didn’t usually need to use this outside of my home but I kept a spare one on me at all times, specifically for times like this.
I felt the cool metal of the building against my thin halter top, as I unbuttoned my jeans and shimmied them slightly down my hips, shivering at the slight chill in the California air. I moved my panties and drew the razor blade across a section on my right hip, relishing in the slight sting as the four blades cut through skin, drawing little beads of blood. The emotional relief was immediate and welcoming. It was like letting go of the sadness that seemed to plague me for the last couple months. Tears slid down my cheeks as I continued to slide the sharp blades across my hips, making sure to keep the cuts in an area that could be easily covered.
“Ay, what are you doing out here?” A suspicious voice called. It was too late to act like I wasn’t doing what I was doing as the glow of a cigarette hovered a couple feet near me.
Coco pulled out his phone and brought up a flashlight, illuminating the droplets of blood crawling slowly down my hips towards the black lace outline of my thong and the bloody razor blade that was hovering over the marred skin.
“Shit, this isn’t what it looks like.” The words came out slow. And I didn’t have the energy to even pull my pants up and pretend that this wasn’t what it looked like. Worst of all, I didn’t know how Coco was gonna react. I mean we fucked a couple of times but that didn’t mean that I really knew the guy.
Coco stepped close, so close that I could smell the smoke and leather along with the pine scent that seemed to just be a Coco thing. He shined the light on my right hip, studying the raised lines. “They’re shallow.” I thought I heard him mutter.
I cleared my throat, redirecting his attention to my face. “Yeah, it’s really not that big of a deal.” I said while wrapping up the razor and stuffing it into my purse. “It just helps sometimes.”
“Helps with what?” There wasn’t any judgement in his tone, which was surprising considering the situation. He kept the flashlight pointed towards my hips which provided just enough light to see the genuine curiosity in his sharp brown eyes.
I pulled my panties and jeans up, hissing slightly at the soreness as the material rubbed against an open wound. “It just um...I don’t know.” I fussed. “I’ve never really explained it to anyone before.” Clearing my throat, I tried to be as honest as I could. “It feels like I’m releasing a lot of bad feelings. Like the more blood that leaks out is equivalent to the amount of sadness that I’m trying to get rid of. Sometimes it feels like my heart is overflowing and the only way I can get through it is if I focus on the physical pain.”
His brown eyes maintained that quizzical look before he stepped closer, his mouth now a couple inches from mine. “How long have you been doing this?”
I twirled the rings on my fingers a couple times before answering. “Um, a couple years. On and off. I try other methods but sometimes it’s just not enough.”
“The other methods being sex and booze?” The one thing I always liked about Coco was his directness. Granted, it wasn’t always said in the nicest way but I always got a quick answer out of him.
“Yeah, those are the usual ones.”
He nodded, looking towards the clubhouse briefly before holding up a bottle of tequila. “Nah, there’s nothing like good ole fashioned tequila and nice company to chase away nightmares.” I shook my head when he moved in closer to my mouth.
“I appreciate it, Coco but I think I need to head home. It’s been a long day.” I could feel it now, the heaviness in my body. The slight ping of regret that always happened after one of the nights where I lost my resolve.
“You live close, right? You walking?”
“Mhm. I’m only a couple of minutes down the road. I’m impressed. I didn’t think you guys noticed stuff like. Hell, I’m not even 100% sure you know my name.” I smiled playfully.
He stepped back, skinny shoulder caved in a bit, and shrugged bashfully. “Adele. That’s your name.” Coco threw me a sly smile before his rough hand engulfed mine. “I’ve always paid attention.” He said while pulling me towards the scrapyard exit. “You good to walk? Or I can give you a ride on my bike if you’re..um...uncomfortable.”
It was probably out of pity but I couldn’t help but feel a slight warmth at the sudden consideration that Coco was showing. I grabbed his bony elbow and nodded towards the street. “Yeah. I’m good. Thanks for this. And, uh, thanks for not freaking out or running and telling everyone.”
He shrugged casually before lighting up a fresh cigarette. “No problem. I mean we’ve all got shit to work through. It’s not like I’m a fucking poster child, anyway.”
That was an understatement but I didn’t point that out. Instead I snuggled closer, feeling his lean arm muscles hiding under a baggy flannel shirt. We talked about random shit the whole way back to my place and I somehow forgot about the negative feelings that previously clouded my mind and the slight sting on my hip.