So obviously Ilya will never let go of his grudge against Montreal. He will make it his personal mission to humiliate them every time they play, total shutouts while getting a hat trick himself, grind them into dust, obliterate their will to live etc etc. But even after he retires he won’t stop hating on Montreal. Trash talking them every chance he gets, whether the podcast he’s invited on is about hockey or the newest season of Drag Race. He’ll support every team that plays against them, frequently wearing a shirt saying I love the Centaurs and whoever beats the Metros. And Ilya’s still going to show up to Ottawa home games when they’re playing Montreal in thirty years and you just know the team will not disappoint him. Ilya fucking Rozanov, number one draft pick, five time Stanley Cup winner, husband of Thee Shane Hollander, bringer of glory to Ottawa, Russian menace now winning Olyampic gold for Canada, the fucking legend himself is in the stands so you better believe the Cens are going to crush the Metros. The Centaurs become the Metros’ Angstgegner (a delightful German sports term that means fear opponent). And you know how North American sports are rife with superstitions and curses. It takes a few seasons for the talk of a curse to go around. In the beginning the Metros just accept they’re a shit team without Hollander—the front office calls it rebuilding—and then once they have a decent roster again, they’re still playing against Hollanov in Ottawa who are dominating the East and winning the Conference finals almost every year. But then once they retire, the Metros still can’t win against Ottawa. At least not in Ottawa. They play there twice a season. The first season post Hollanov retirement is fine, Ottawa is still a great team, but then the years drag on and still Montreal does. Not. Win. In Ottawa. The fans acknowledge it first. They chased Hollander from the city and pissed off the queer hockey gods and now they’re punished forever. The players believe it too, though they think Rozanov hired an etsy witch to curse them or made a deal with the Baba Yaga herself. The way he’s glowering at them from the box at the games, maybe Rozanov is a Baba Yaga.
Eventually, to break the curse—although no one says out loud that’s why they’re doing this even though everybody knows that’s why they’re doing this—the Metros have a ceremony where they retire Shane’s number and hang his jersey in the rafters. The fans turn out in the thousands. There’s public viewing. They lay down rainbow symbols in front of the Bell Centre as offerings for forgiveness. They build effigies of Ilya but instead of burning them, they decorate them with flower crowns and wrap them in the bi pride flag. Shane attends the ceremony and he brings Ilya. Shane gives a short, conciliatory speech while Ilya smugly glares at everyone in attendance. The next game in Ottawa, Ottawa wins again. Someone suggests the Metros should also retire Rozanov’s number. The idea gains traction on social media but the front office decides to take further losses rather than embarrass themselves like that, because surely, at some point, the Metros will win in Ottawa again, right? right???
