Jun 11, 2016
tfw when you learn your crush is gay and, well, you're not a boy
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tfw when you learn your crush is gay and, well, you're not a boy
I wish I could join our annual European "LET'S BE WEIRD" night, also known as Eurovision but I'm out of spoons to the point I can't play TwoDots nor pokemon and they're very light on energy Also I'm somewhat miserable because I "argued" with THAT friend of mine and he's been quiet the whole day and just... I felt very empowered and at peace when I didn't take any shit from him, but now is the moment when that feeling's passed, I'm tired and lonely-ish and we talk everyday and now we don't and I know it's good for me, but... Like, he's an ass, a toxic one at that... But... I'm so used to having him around it feels wrong not to He's had his good moments, he was a good friend sometimes, he's the best, most mindful and caring partner I've had (not like that's a high standard, but.........) and... Ugh. I hate this. I hate that I have to... No. I hate that he's toxic and I have to cut him out of my life, sooner or later. I hate that I have to do this, but his toxic behaviour doesn't leave me a choice. I respect and care about myself too much now to be subject to such treatment. It went on long enough. Now to suppress the urge to message him. Ugh.
There’s one thing that I love to spent a horrendous and completely unnecessary amount of money on: Converse sneakers. I love them very much for several reasons (gender neutral, suit everything, comfortable, don’t wear out quickly, look cool af) and ever since I got my first original pair (and tried very hard for the following year to ruin them - to no avail), I never bought another brand.
Well, except for the ones I got from my mum’s friend when he and his partner were in Egypt and bought me two pairs of some “imposter” ones. Long story short - not comfortable and got worn out quickly, and I haven’t been using them even 1/3 of the time as my first pair (2+ years older).
Basically - I really love Converse. No patterns, solid colours only. I’ve got the classic red, turquoise and clay red pairs, am saving up for the gray and beige.
Now, I’ve also really wanted the green military ones, but the closes colour to that was dark olive-ish. Just no. So I’ve crossed them off a list with relief, because hey, way less money to spend!
Well, guess what just got introduced.
I’m gonna be broke.
I'm kinda low-key angry and I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be. Also I know that people this concerns are going to see this and it makes me feel like an asshole for even posting this, because they didn't want to and had good intentions and didn't... Okay, it sounds wrong. Let's start over. I've had a crush for this guy [in my clan in Guns of Icarus] since 2-3 days ago and, well, it felt nice! I mean, I like having a crush, because I actually feel things. My depression makes it almost impossible to feel any positive emotions, so I was kinda hella excited and having fun. We were talking a lot, we tortured each other (and everyone around) with puns... Basically, fun! And I've started to get over my last relationship a little more, so all was good. So I've been sharing a lot of those things with my (our) squad and it was great, too! I had support, could share the hilarious screenshots... Basically, fun. Life's great and stuff. Me and my crush were joking around and he wrote "what do you want" in response to something. I typed (not sent) "you" and sent screenshot of that to the squad group message for the fun of it. I've got dared to sent it. A couple of points before I progress. First, I usually have crushes for a very long time and don't do a lot at first. It takes time for me to make sure if I really like them, to just enjoy having a crush, talk to them, know them better... I'd say it usually takes more than two months of active interaction before I even consider anything close to confession. Second: if you pressure me long enough, I'll either have a breakdown or I'll do whatever you want of me. Provided you're not some random asshole. I'm susceptible to influence way too much, especially if it's from people close to me. That's kinda why I end up in a slightly toxic relationships. Severity of "slightly" depends. Now, there are two friends, one of them I adore and respect so much. And they're (jokingly) daring and double daring me to send that message. I send a lot of "AS IF"s, dots and generally played along in a role of a shy crushing roll, but in my brain the pressure starts building up. I start feeling uneasy and uncomfortable. I really don't want to do this, it was a joke! I never do something like that, it's not me! But they're all like "do it!", "you're brave" and all cheering... I start biting my hands (I do that rarely, mind you) and I finally give in, feeling fear set in. They're happy though... And so supportive... So (after some preparation) I finally hit that "send" button. I immediately close the messenger and head back to the group conversation, hands shaking, heart thumping in my ears. And that's when it appears. "But remember, you'll do what you want!" And that's when i know i've made a terrible mistake. That I didn't want to do it at all. That I gave in to pressure. That I did something I'd never do, because that isn't me. I don't act like that. It's not me... And yes, I got rejected. Of course I did. I'm mad at myself. I gave in. I did something I didn't feel comfortable doing, I didn't want to do at all! And now... I don't feel anything again. Crush phase is gone, emotional numbness is back and ready to roll. Lasted for whole two days. A record I never anticipated breaking. And I'm kinda low-key angry at those friends and I feel absolutely terrible about it.
Who has just finished listening to Hamilton?
This ball of feels and tears!!!!!!!!!!
Shit kinda went down
I'm leaving home for a few (?) days, because I had this hugely awful situation with mum and I can't... I don't feel safe at home anymore when she's around I'll be at my friends' place, so no worries, I'll be safe I have to think a lot of things through I'll probably update later about what happened, but right now I have to pack and my spoons are awfully low, so (I'm going to use "shit went down" tag for posts related to this situation)
Our physics teacher not only has wonderful fashion sense (those shirts, oh oh), but also a very nice butt. Very my aesthetic. Please smack me with something.
I have descended into Undertale fanfiction hell, please send help ((first thing I clicked on is Sans/reader, I didn't sign up for a crush on a skeleton))