leave my new friends behind before i can get too attached, dust off my handprints from their shoulders and walk away on quiet feet like i was never there.
they talk of stars, of planetariums and midnight romps to howl at the moon. i ache to feel like i belong, like im not a child again, tugging on my momma-sisters jersey begging her not to leave me even if only for a few hours.
could i bear it? saying goodbye once again, over and over until ive carved every goodbye out of my chest and i whittle away the last bit of bone.
i must have a disease, perhaps i really am a rabid dog- but no one will deign to show me the mercy of taking me out back. im not healthy, i know that. i know i dig my teeth in and tear, and no amount of grasping my leash with an iron fist will minimize the damage i deal.
would they miss me? would they even know im gone?
would they know its for the best?
i imagine the sound the iv made. i wasnt there, i never get to be. each death chisels away at me, carving farther inside my soul with each call. is there anything left? my guts are on the floor, my heart bled out a million times over. each heartbreak snaps another string, and i dont know if im terrified of the last twang of the final string splitting in two, or looking forward to it.
the clock ticks by. another second of my desperation spent alone, and another, and another. they wouldn’t notice. as much as i hope and pray that they would, i dont think they would. at the most not until its too late, until the tumbleweed crosses the road i tread. my footsteps will have long been covered in dust, any path back to me a long one that theyll tire of quickly if they deign to look for me at all.
i dont want to leave. my foot is already out the door. im clinging to them with everything i have in me, my hands clawing marks from where i grasp and beg. im brushing away my influence, preparing for the snip of the scissors for another tie cut. i want to keep this, this fragile safety ive built for myself. i want to burn it down to the ground because it was never safe to begin with.
missed calls from my mother. dread in my stomach. a text message breaking the news. the last to know, every time. breaking silently, sobbing alone in my room more than two thousand miles away from them. sometimes its not enough space. sometimes its too much.
its too much. im so tired. i keep going, keep moving past each obstacle, each trauma- only to be met with another. when will it end? when will i get a break? when will i finally feel fully rested, and safe?
another nightmare. the bags under my eyes turn a shade darker. i keep going. i work harder, i try more, i do everything i can. my body has long since started falling apart, so i push farther- after all, whats another mile?
id like to rest. im tired. id like to stop. i want a break. i want a fucking break.
