Do you ever wish you could rewind time? I have this feeling so often. If I could go back a few months, I would do ____ differently. I get this feeling the most when I see the success of my peers. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I'm jealous of others and what they've accomplished. Especially when they make everything look so easy. I hate when I compare myself to others, but I've found myself doing it more often these days. Personal and family issues have put me behind my peers. I still have huge hurdles in front of me most of my peers have completed. So often when I sit down to study, do questions or take practice tests I feel idiotic. I start to wonder if it was an accident or a fluke I even got accepted to med school in the first place. I start to feel so stressed and overwhelmed by all I need to do that I start to get anxious and frustrated - so I try to push the feelings out, tell myself I'll get a lot done tomorrow and ultimately don't get much of anything done. Today was an all time low though. One of my best friends was scheduling an exam and when I looked over and noticed, it felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. It feels like people are making laps around me while I crawl toward the finish line. Why would I ever feel jealousy or resentment toward my best friend in med school?! I want the best for him in everything he does! These feelings make me feel like I am a horrible person. But even when I feel some twinge of resentment or jealousy toward all those med school goers who have it so cush I feel like an awful person. Just because I don't have people who can help me financially doesn't make it ok. So I will try again tomorrow. I will remind myself why I'm doing this. I will try to feel excited when I learn something new and not overwhelmed by how much I need to remember. I will push on - I may or may not achieve my goals, but I will try.
