These past few days have been tough - with my anxiety making its presence felt more each moment. My inadequacy at what I am doing, how some patients see right through me. How their words of, “Di ba, doktor ka? Bakit hindi mo maipaliwanag sa akin?” (Aren’t you a doctor? Why can’t you explain to me what is happening?)
-- and how the underlying words, “Dapat ‘di ka nagpapakilala bilang doktor kung hindi ka naman pala marunong,” (You shouldn’t have introduced yourself as a doctor if you don’t know what you’re talking about,) echo just as loudly.
How my heart thunders in my chest, my hands breaking in cold sweat, and how out of breath I feel.
How each word shakes me to the core, as I am left questioning - am I meant to be here?
Is Medicine a place for one battling her anxieties? It’s a tough world, that’s for sure, and no one said that it’s going to be easy, with the hostile environment, and with the side comments of people who want to take charge. People whom I allow myself to give in to, because they are able to speak up about it more than I can and verbalize what they want.
At this point, I remember my coach telling me to remember - remember how I was able to comfort tatay with the teary eyes. The one who kept his tattered Philhealth papers folded and kept in a plastic bag, to make it last longer so that it can help him and his child should they have any health concerns, and by extension, the man who was unfortunately bit by his dog.
Saan ka huhugot ng lakas?
Paano ka huhugot ng lakas?
Balikan natin ‘yung mga pagkakataon na nagpasalamat sa iyo ang mga pasiyente mo. Realize that it’s not all the bad. That some really, sincerely appreciated your presence, your pangangamusta, your advice.
Bloom where you are planted, Cher.
It’s going to be a long journey, but we’ll get there eventually. :)
