#melancholy speaking

[just-a-doodler]

I'm going to go back to making D&D Bones.. Thanks for all the asks today! Was a busy couple of hours. But now I feel I really need to distract myself again... Here's a very very early sneak peek

[just-a-doodler]

Barbarian Eddie has lost the poll by 1 vote- Technically 2 if you don't count my vote. I'm a little sad about it... But if they just want Eddie normal. then that's what They'll get. I'm not gonna put the effort in on My barbarian version if people just want normal Ed. Ima just slap him into a tunic and such... Was looking so forward to making my barbarian... :(

[just-a-doodler]

I wanted to make this post about my main oc for Jackpot Crash Course— Sorry for any grammar or typos. Typing this while dubbing the game at 3 am.

Roseanna is a oc I first started and began to enjoy quite a but. I make a lot of ocs that are either butterfly, rose, bird, or blood themed. Putting a lot of thought into her character to make it work, how and what her crime is and how it effected her, her backstory and connections to being Cupid's sister, and more.

When my friend introduced me to the game, I began to do my usual when joining a new fandom, scoping all the characters out, seeing how they act and who I'd like more. By a certain point, I ended up liking Benny (predicted by my sister), Bones (very much), and Cupid a lot.

But my all time favorite ended up being Eddie, Mr. Brutal Bull himself. I loved everything about his character. From his appearance, to his personality, his dialog, his sprites and enjoyed being the one who voiced him in every playthrough ive done with friends. I ended developing a real "ficto-crush" on him. HARD. I loved him so much and couldn't stop getting flustered and gushing about him anytime i saw a picture of him.

It wasn't until I was researching the characters and stuff to find a wallpaper for my phone, get inspo picks, and art references for drawings, that I read on the wiki that he was STRICTLY gay...

After I found thay out, I was genuinely heartbroken and devastated. Normally when i discover a character i simp for is stricty gay, i let my feelings die out of respect... but I really couldn't do that with Eddie. I REALLY like him! As a female, I really, really REALLY liked Eddie and was talking a lot with my sister and friend about it and them giving me ideas in my head that got me all flustered and really made me like him.

I had concepted Roseanna almost entirely, didn’t want to change anything about her (because the genderswapping would mean a whole rewrite to her character imo), or make a new oc instead. So the reason I have been terrified to share Roseanna cause she is shipped with Eddie. (Yumeship/Selfshipped)

I have been struggling to draw her because I very much enjoyed sharing my art when I know there is a good amount of people that may like and want to see it. I've wanted to share any art I've made of them (which is only one— but still) but I want to make more but my body is terrified for this reason.

I am terrified of being judged or harassed or worse but I really, really, really like Eddie and what I have made and what we (me and my friend (Fawn for the rp accounts that see this) & my sister) like to call RoseBull.

It's a relationship full of ups and downs and built on trust that if words were spoken right, she could prevent Eddie's fate later on. She would go from being a character who joined the show to die, thinking that no matter what life she ended up having (surviving the show, survivibg her prison sentence, or rotting in prison) She would be better off dead.

Cupid had insisted she didn't sign up cause he didnt want to see his sister die, caring a lot for his little sis and beibg the host woild make it even worse— but she did it regardless because she wanted to end it all for them.

As the games start and things proceed, She talks with Eddie more, hiding behind a veil due to being scared to trust anyone. But after some time and games, she begins to start to feel a feeling she hadn't in a long time. At some point, she gifts Eddie a trinket (not her charm) part of her costume, a golden ring, that means something to her but he has no idea what it truly meant.

But to her, it meant they were now bonded, and if something happens to Eddie at all, she will try and stand up for him and help him anytime, no matter what it was. She'd be on his side.

They began to be closer and working to help each other the best they can, emotionally and tactically. But after Roseanna admits the reason she joined the game was to die but started to feel not as such the more they talked— even saying that she started feeling closer to him. Eddie then tells Rose to live for them both and that if she's lucky, theres a chance evrything will work out and he'd be there to support her.

She accepts that idea and it helped improve her mood a lot for future games and gave them both the chance to be closer and romantic even with one another when time permitted. But when it gets toward the end and there was a point where Eddie would have died in the game (obviouslyidk the games, JCC aint done yet). She uses the symbolism of that ring to its extreme and takes the hit for him. Getting herself killed for Eddie to let him keep going.

Telling him, "I realized that a ending where I live happy, is an ending where you die... and I dont want that... please... win, and make yourself a better life..." and then dying in his arms. It being a devastating loss to Eddie to have someone die in his arms like that and for his sake. Cupid gets made at Eddie, having heard in condos with his sister during break how she felt for the Bull, but says he better make it through for her sake, so he didnt lose his sister for nothing, and Eddie would eventually win the game as im sure the game intends...

I just wanted to get it off my chest and I am so sad and scared to even write this and dont know how many will read it... I try and respect Sexualities of characters... but I really wanted to make her and ship them as a comfort and self ship thing...

Sorry for the vent. Thanks to those who read.

[just-a-doodler]

Dude, work has very much upset me... Everything thats been happening made me infuriated to the point I now have a miserable headache... I just... I wanna punch something so bad or bang my head against a wall... somthing to relieve my anger or stress.

I just wanna go home... :(

[just-a-doodler]

Ima come out and say it here where barely anyone will see it- The answer for this ask on my Eddie Gates blog woulda been my Oc Roseanna. But again I'm afraid to share or say anything about her due to the stuff I said in my rant before.

I know I made the statement in the rules about him being Bicurious for my comfort for liking a canonically gay man- but idk how many people read them and if people will still be upset about me saying anything about Eddie Liking/Loving a woman. I support Eddie being gay and hence why I actively ship and joke and rp with Benny! So I'm not like Ungayifying him! I love him for who he is and how he is as a character and everything. I just also love him A LOT too in a romantic and comfort sense so I'm making him Bicurious for that reason but am still scared to make him do or say anything about it.

But I-I just love them okay? And I barely use Rose, them or even think about them because of this constant nagging feeling... 👉👈

(art by my QPP sunflowerygraveyard)

[just-a-doodler]

I could use a hug... I feel like shit. I had to deal with my manager being really fucking rude even though I was the only person in my department today, treating me like I was slow, all while busting my ass so that the store in my department looked good for coperate visiting Monday or Tuesday, and then worst of all— while cleaning up jeans at work I found USED BOXERS! that I had to clean up! They were still in the pants someone left on the shelf! It was a whole fucking mess and I felt so upset and filthy about it...

I just want a hug or something rn man... everything just feels wrong and like shit...

[just-a-doodler]

I'm sharing this here cause i wrote it in the tags of one of my eddie's blogs replys and I find it important to share. there's been like... 4ish times (maybe more i could be forgetting) where I've been uncomfortable with certain stuff due to a certain person and I just don't know what to say. But when I'm tense it takes forever for me to relax and its happened a lot especially in relation to Vick. I become tense, shaky, stressed and rn- I lowkey wanna throw up. I'll still accept genuine questions about Vick. but anything regarding his love life, relation to my good friends oc (which I ship since I'm FRIENDS with that person IRL) and anything regarding him being bothered or tormented or harassed (especially since I highly respect the person behind the main account I've spoken to that is Vick)... I'm going to ignore you/your ask. This series, Jackpot Crash Course, has been a huge comfort for me which may be strange to say- and I like interacting with some of the people (even if i barely due to to my social anxiety from past trauma and having lost over 20+ friends that used to be my everything all because of stuff that happened and afraid of making new ones to make connections and then lose them too-) . It's a MASSIVE comfort for me and why im always so anxious to even share my crush on Eddie and haven't really. So please don't make me have discomfort toward my comfort please...

[just-a-doodler]

I have conflicting feelings toward my Eddie account. Mostly cause my other two are so dead and Eddie has now basically TRIPLED Janette. Which is such a bummer. I don't think even if i went around to other accounts at Janette that it would do anything. Same for Iris.

But I'm also happy I have Eddie's account so active cause it gives me a reason to draw and do things and well... feeds the fact im CONSTANTLY checking this website every 10-20 minutes... but seeing that 2,500 likes milestone really made me a little bummed more then excited.