evak | i want to feel alive
It was hard to say how Isak got into this situation in the first place. There were multiple people to blame and yet still, Isak knew that truthfully, he had full credit for all of it. He shouldn’t have gotten attached so fast. He shouldn’t have fell head over heels for someone that he hardly knew. Or actually.... knew a lot about and yet at the very same time, knew nothing at all. He shouldn’t have gotten so jealous and upset for someone that never really was his. Still, all of these thoughts weren’t there for him last night. Isak could blame his emotions, his unstable emotions for what happened last night. He could blame the fact that he had been drinking. He could blame the fact that his best friend did not seem to care enough to follow him after he stormed out from Emma’s party. Just as he could throw blame on his friends for not understanding that there was something more going on to just his sudden weird actions and mood swings. And yet, here he was.
Back to square one where he had answers for every single blame he could think of. No one forced him to drink. His friends had asked on numerous occasions what was going on with Isak and all he could do was lie. Every excuse Isak thought up, all lead back up to one main problem; himself. Now, he found himself in a very painful and uncomfortable situation: having to face Even and his friends looking so horrid. His betrayal got the best of him last night. He hadn’t meant to hurt anyone, truly. He left the party with the pure intention of collapsing in his bed and crying till he couldn’t cry anymore. Of course, that wasn’t what happened. So there he stood, just outside the school gates, trying his ultimate best to calm his shaky and pained nerves. ‘Ignore everyone, don’t talk to anyone,’ Isak thought to himself as he stood in the brisk cold, thankful he had tripled up in outerwear today. He pulled his hoodie up over his head, as if that could somehow mask the colors of green and blue across his face. As if that could hide the redness of his nose, from when he was punched. Still, he found himself thinking that if he looked bad, Nikolai looked a whole lot worse.’Don’t talk to Even, don’t even look at him.’ He thought to himself, trying to give the best pep talk he could. (A pep talk that was of pure cowardice.) After a few minutes of pure hesitations, he headed up the steps that lead to the vast front courtyard and instantly spotted Emma, Even, and his group of friends. He was not going to get into the school doors without some kind of confrontation. There was just no way. He let out a shaky breath and turned up the music in his headphones, trying to feel the beat and strength that N.W.A. produced, He forced himself to look at the ground before him as he started to walk towards the school’s entrance, instantly feeling eyes falling upon him. Don’t look, don’t look, don’t look.
