How does one mend the past?
18 months ago, I made a decision that changed two lives. I broke up with my partner of 12 years. Since then, he hasn’t made contact with me, and practically avoided all my usual hangouts. I say avoided because in a city as small as Singapore, it’s hard not to bump into anyone over that length of time.
But maybe he’s moved on with a new love. Someone who can treat him infinitely better than I ever could. And I would be so happy for him if that were the case.
His birthday was 6 weeks ago. I sent him a What’s App greeting (because a voice call might mean str8 up rejection). Replies were cold, but cordial. But I reached out asking for a dinner hoping to mend the hurt. I am still waiting for an answer and frankly, might be waiting for the rest of my life.
My friend, T, tells me that I broke his heart. So callously calling it off over the phone, choosing work over love. I haven’t had the time to think about my actions but it’s slowly sinking in now.
I know it’s really selfish of me. Not everyone moves on, nor should they. Sometimes, staying in the past helps one to shape the future. Personally, I feel stuck in the past myself. Always looking back when I should look forward. Even when I am with new potentials, I can’t help but reference glory days of yesteryear. Not only do I feel old, I make myself sound old. So these days, I make a conscious effort to “de-age”; to be optimistic, future-forward.
But as I head back into the future, my heart can’t help but weep silently for the past. I miss my best friend. And without doubt, the greatest boyfriend I will ever have. I wait patiently for his return in the hopes that it won’t be too long now. That we can share a cuppa and laugh like we used to. #bffsNOTbfs
With the new year shining on us, I see gleaming new chances. Whether it be to mend bridges or to make new ones, it would be terribly nice to walk across one. Any one.