#mental explosion

[darthemed]

Blondie Meets the Boss (1939)

[nicole-dreambook]

Too many interests, too many pathways

[nobodylikesmyc00kies]

I don't have a lot going on in my life so I was excited to come home from school and have some chips and salsa. There is no salsa. Why is there no salsa?!? Who the fuck ate all the salsa? There was plenty of salsa yesterday.

Every damn time!!!! 

[megaman-ia-blog-blog]

Nobody ever thinks to search up tumblr... ON TUMBLR

[technologicallocker]

[essencechrist]

[comeallyelost]

I'm guessing this is my first mental explosion of the new year.

So this friend from high school posted on her facebook that her baby is now walking.

And I am sitting here thinking, holy cow, what the fuck? 

Because, I mean, this chick is 19 and totally screwed up her life by having a kid when she was like...17? And the worst part of it all is that, while slightly irritating, she had a lot going for her. And then...she just didn't.

So I am sitting here in my room wondering how the hell this girl can manage her life, her baby's life, work at some measly job and live with her boyfriend (which I have heard she's always had problems with) and just...be okay with everything.

I mean, I'm certain that I can take care of myself, but sometimes, I am utter shit at it...or at "living well" that is.

For some reason I think there is some sort of standard that needs to be met before I am considered a full adult.

And then sometimes I think about her in high school and how she dated this guy ever since she was 15 and he was like 20 and I don't know, I just wonder. If she was more mature or less mature than I am for making certain decisions.

Because the way I see it it can be either:

A. At 15 years old she was mature enough to get an older boyfriend and bla bla bla fornicate and whatnot and life just so happened to go a certain way for her.

OR

B. This bitch is a stupid fuck who fucked the first guy who showed interest in her and stuck with him even though he is a total prick and fucked herself over for life.

And then sometimes my mind wanders into and my thoughts go a little something like this:

Oh my god

I mean, I know this chick fucked up her life, but at least stuff has HAPPENED to her!

Shouldn't things be happening to me?

Shouldn't I be making more mistakes?

Shouldn't I be enjoying the shit out of my life and suffering the consequences later? Isn't that part of "youth"?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Am I missing some sort of gene?

Why the fuck do I have no friends? I mean, I hang out with my cousins more than anyone else, and that's cool and all because I love them, but shouldn't 19 year olds have more of a life?

This is such first world bullshit, but FUCK I am fucking jealous of those drunk rich pricks at my school, because they may be stupid, but they're happy in their own delusional way. And besides, they'll probably be more successful than me anyways because "daddy's money" will probably give them a step up that I will never have.

And also, why don't I have a boyfriend?

I frequently think I'm awesome.

I mean, I might be a little arrogant about my intelligence/ accomplishments, but in general, I think I'm pretty awesome. And I want a boy who finds me awesome. And who cracks up with me (and will probably make fun of people with me). And why is it so hard for me to meet people? Do I make things purposely difficult for myself?

These little problems don't even compare to my fears of "the future" but WHAT THE FUCK I should be HAVING FUN.

And I can't. Because NOTHING EVER HAPPENS TO ME.

It's like for some reason, I avoid any possible events that may be occurring at all times. I will never have any stories to tell at parties. Not that I'm invited anywhere anyways.

Jeeezuhs I sound like a fucking lunatic, and I swear I am pretty cool, but I have yet to find ANY of the right people to share that with.

And why do I hate people? I get along with everyone, but to be my friend, you have to be a pretty fucking special unicorn and not many are. 

Maybe it's just how I am. OH MY FUCKING GOD, I think I am my mother! [Because nothing really ever happened to her...I don't think] I think I am WORSE.

And holy shit my life SUCKS, only because I genuinely DON'T HAVE ONE.

NOBODY BELIEVES ME WHEN I SAY NOTHING EVER HAPPENS TO ME.

But seriously, SERIOUSLY. I don't talk to someone for let's say a few months, then they ask me how I've been and I genuinely having nothing to report except for the usual routine of school and work. And then they tell me all sorts of stories about motherfucking adventures and drunk escapades.

And don't even get me started on drinking... because I can't even do that properly. Or comprehend why people like it and do it so much.

I am legitimately broken, something is inhibiting me from living properly. I don't have a place, a niche, I belong nowhere and I hate it.

So I guess this is what that girl has led me to discover about myself.