Tonight I decided to pause my seemingly hectic life, and offer a thank you to life.
I'm not sure about you guys, but I am leading a life that seems too zombifiedly mundane and "busy"- from the moment I wake up it's getting one task done after the other. While this busy-ness helped in keeping my mind from overthinking in overdrive, it also goes to show that I don't deal with my issues, but rather escape them by replacing something which I find challenging or hurtful with something else altogether, and sometimes to replace the pain and hurt of one thing- I will do 10 other different things at once! >.<
So tonight I choose to acknowledge that I have worked hard, and that I deserve to sit here and just say "Thank you, self. Thank you for working really hard to get to today. Thank you, mind, for setting negative thoughts aside more quickly now than before, for not pondering too long on negative thoughts. We'll turn them away from now on, ok? Only positive things that will help me move forward are allowed here, okay? Thank you, body, for not giving up, for not being injured, for sustaining. Thank you, thank you."
I guess what I learnt most so far in my near 3 decades of life is there is no point pleasing others anymore. I've always wanted to be noticed, wanted to be "wanted", to be "loved" in my idea of love. Wanting life to be fair. To be easy. Whining when things don't go my way. Throwing a tantrum when things don't happen the way I want them to. But most of all, I want to be popular. (cue Wicked's OST here). I wanted to be special. I believe I was special and deserves the best, best, life.
What I failed to realize is by being popular, one loses his/her sense of "self". One tend to conform and pleases the society, a group of friends, family, etc. That being special and having the best life ever according to whatever standards I set for the year involves an insane amount of hard work and sacrifice and pain before it turns out to be "the best life". Everyone has to, 'serve their sentence', so to speak. While some people might appear to have it easy... well, they must have saved 10,000 orphans in their previous life or something...so I must not compare and entertain these kind of thoughts anymore too.
Best example- on my losing weight. Some people made snide remarks that because I have lost weight, I am showing off more skin. Thing is, I like to show some skin. I had the best feeling being a life model, and THAT was when I was about 90kg. That is just me, but due to respect to the society, I don't go around naked. Plus, I like to dress well. I think I have also developed a good sense of style in recent years, one that makes me comfortable and I think makes me look pretty. I am a GIRL, after all. But one thing I won't deny is this: losing weight and the inches off my body made me feel better.
While my story is not the usual weight-loss-miracle-live-happily-ever-after-story, losing the weight is quite central to my self-esteem. I used to think that boys don't like me because I am not skinny. Working that hard to actually lose the 20kg that I did over the past 2 years, without subjecting to crash diets or surgery, and only through a change in lifestyle- made me realize that I shouldn't want to do it because of anyone else but me. The reason why I never succeeded before this in this losing-weight-battle is because I did it for someone else. Always for someone else.
This current journey also began because of other people- returning from Australia back in 2010 and getting all the "sihat nya" comments (literal translation: wow you're fat!) did not help with the transition back to KL life. I was at my worst then- still heartbroken, lost a friendship in the process, hating myself completely for not being more brave, for not chasing my dreams, for not staying in Oz, for not being 'ready' to be loved by this person who means so much to me, all of these things- did not bode well to me either mentally or physically. I hated KL- I became a horrible person to be around with. I pity the 'friends' who had to deal with me then. And I am still sad today because most of these people have left my life. But I need to move on too....
So I took matters one step at a time. 2011 was about changing physically. It didn't happen overnight, mind you. Nor was it happening as fast as I wanted it to (I am a fallible, gullible human after all). Plus, I had a personal trainer who made me feel like shit whenever I go out and have meals with him (he means well, but still that doesn't discount how negative I was feeling). That's when I decided to take things into my hands. 2012 was about accepting Malaysia and just be- I eat, but I increase vegetables in my diet. I run because I like it. I may not be fast, but I finish the distance, always. I may not be strong, but I am definitely stronger than before, and stronger than the Lyana who would rather go and have a hot chocolate because she felt like crap, this Lyana goes for a run instead, and then have a vege-juice after. I feel lighter. I like feeling my own rib-bones.
2013 though, is about changing the mind. I still have another 10kg to lose, and somehow it's the hardest. I've been plateauing at 65kg for a good few months now, and refuse to budge. What I hate most about this plateau is it brings back the cycle of me feeling "stuck" back in 2009-11. And lo and behold- I had a meltdown again recently. I went back into "why does everyone has a best friend?" "why does everyone has a job they love?" "why does everyone has a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/kids/money/seems to be happy to be single/fulfilled/content???"
So, I stumbled in my journey of changing the mind in February of 2013. 2 months and the resolution's gone. Yet I refuse to give up. I had conversations recently that made me realize that this is my life. If I screw it up, then I'm the one affected. If I want to be loved, I must first learn HOW to love. And sometimes, loving means keeping a distance, keeping silent, and just... let the other party decide if they want to talk to me or share with me or go out with me. I must not take things too personally anymore. Though in my defense, sometimes I feel I'm always "shot" for being the honest one in any friendship... for being the messenger. So now I'll just... keep to my own business. Lessen the gossip and just. be. quiet.
I've decided that whatever happens, I will face it with strength. If I fall then I can only get back up, right? If I lose my job, I just need to find another job. If I've lost most of my friends, I should learn to be more positive with the ones who are still around. I can not open my heart to love until I learn to really love myself- even if this means a lifetime of loneliness and celibacy. I will not whine about how much I miss Brisbane, Australia, being cuddled, being kissed, beaches. I will not compare myself to those who have more or seems to have it easier than me. My journey is mine. The financial struggle, the weight struggle, all mine. And if I choose to have retail therapy to feel better, I refuse to feel guilty about it! I'll keep my head down, work hard, choose my words, keep my distance, and spend less time worrying.
"I will not waste my days
Making up all kinds of ways
To worry about all the things
That will not happen to me"
And I'll keep repeating this mantra until I.GET.IT.
SO tonight I offer a prayer of thanks having arrived this far. And a prayer that I will be the best person I want to be, and may I not falter in my ways.
p/s: I also noticed that I had to eat my words. I once said I will never be the kiasu person waking up at 5am for a run! >.< HAH!
p/p/s: I once hated all the "pretty girls at the gym". Now, I think some girls think of me that way! (I can see it in their eyes!) - morale of the story, never say never. :)
The girl who sometimes still feel unpretty- but who know that she is trying her best to be beautiful on the inside.
