How do you just... Move on from having had a soulmate? How do you form bonds in this world where we're all so isolated? I could feel his emotions, so strongly that his death made me feel like only half a person, and even knowing that, I would do it all again. Even remembering that his death directly led to mine, the feeling of absolutely knowing that my beloved was happy, or when he was feeling down, being able to know firsthand what his joy felt like, knowing when he needed more support, and knowing he knew all the same things about me, all of it makes it so worth it. And then I died and came to this world where soulmates don't exist in the same way, where that one is a TV show (well, and an ancient legend, but the show is closest to what I remember) but they made him straight and actually in love with the woman who was a lesbian (maybe not in the show's canon but...), they cut out the part where he and I were soulmates, they cut out soulmates altogether. Because how could the mighty King Arthur have ever been anything other than straight, right? And the great warlock Merlin, too. Sure, we were each other's destiny, two sides of the same coin, inextricably linked, but oh, surely the homoerotic subtext in all of it means nothing.
His eyes weren't the same shade, either. I remember them so clearly, stormy blue-gray, maybe not as "beautiful" in the traditional sense but infinitely more beautiful to me (though I suppose finding a suitable actor would be more difficult if they necessitated minutiae like the exact shade of their eye color, and without the emotional context, I'm sure I'd find both shades equally beautiful). I'm sure somewhere, out there, someone lived a timeline more like what the show's canon portrays, it just stings sometimes, I lost everything, my literal soulmate whose emotions I could feel right alongside him (interesting side-note, soulmates weren't always romantic, it just happened to lead to romance in my and his case and it was kind of presumed it would happen unless the two were related despite that just not being the case), and now I can't even have a little canonical romance between me and him. I can't even see played out those stolen moments of genuine romantic love. They exist only in my memory.
🐸
