WOW I have never been so emotional over uploading something in my life. This fic has been with me since August of last year, and I've met so many great people through writing it. Finishing this is very bittersweet, but I'm happy to have completed such a big project. Thank you all for sticking with me, and thank you for reading.
Summary: Years after the Flower Dance, we get a glimpse into a day of Shane's life, seeing just how much he's grown, and how much has changed with time. Nothing is the same anymore, but that can be a good thing, can it?
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As time passed on and seasons changed, so did the lives of everyone in that little town hidden away in the valley. Through the years, it had changed into something much better than it had ever been. Love bloomed, the town grew, the community grew closer, and all seemed well. There were hard days, days where one would just want to cry and hide away from it all. But they were vastly outnumbered by the good days, the ones that gave you such a desire for life. This particular day was one of those good ones, one of the very best in fact.
In the middle of a particularly harsh and cold winter, the valley was blanketed in ice and snow that would chill you to the bone. The conditions were harsh, just enough to deter any soul from thinking of stepping out. But just outside the expanse of Cindersap was that little red-roofed ranch, filled with warmth and laughter despite the dreary conditions outdoors. The holidays had rolled around once more, and once again, and nearly every surface in the home was decorated to its absolute limit. It was a wonder that Marnie still had decorations to spare after all was said and done.
A pleasant smell was wafting through the kitchen, one that was sickeningly sweet. A comfortable warmth from the oven accompanied it, as well as the adorable scene of Marnie and Jas working on Christmas cookies side by side. The counters were full of cooling racks and festive cardboard boxes full of tissue paper and cooled cookies. Jas, now tall enough to no longer need the little step-stool she’d relied on in the years before, cut out little shapes in dough while Marnie filled the cooling trays. The treats looked absolutely perfect, like something straight out of a magazine! Marnie knew they were going to be just perfect for the yearly swap she did with the ladies in town… if there were even any left to give them after today.
Shane stood right by the counter, observing the pair as they worked on. When he was confident they weren’t watching, he not-so-secretly snagged a cookie from the cooling tray and took a quick bite from it. Jas snapped her head to the side, immediately noticing what he’d done, giving him a cross look, “Papa, stop!”
“Stop what?” Shane asked, feigning innocence. Jas motioned dramatically to the half eaten cookie in his hand, “You keep stealin’ em, we’re not gonna have any left!”
Shane stared at her for just a moment before speaking, continuing to feign ignorance. He made an expression of mock offense, exaggerating it greatly, “I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about,” he took another bite and finished off the treat, speaking with his mouth full, “Honestly I’m kind of offended you would even accuse me of stealin’, Jassy,”
Jas rolled her eyes in annoyance, earning a chuckle from Shane, “I’m messing with you, kiddo,”
“You’re not gonna take anymore, then?” Jas asked, skeptical as ever.
“Nope. Swear on it,” Shane assured her, crossing a finger over his chest.
He then immediately went to reach towards the tray again, getting a swift swat on the hand from Marnie, who looked particularly tired of his antics, “Hands off, these aren’t for you,”
“Who are they for, then? The animals?” Shane joked.
“They’re for the cookie swap, if you must know,” Marnie explained. She tied off a ribbon on one of the boxes and set it to the side, “And I don’t need you taking anymore now, I’ve already got my hands full with a certain someone trying to sneak them,” she turned her attention to the woman sitting in the living room, giving her a cross, knowing look.
“Look, it ain’t fair for Yoba t’ give me a wife who knows how t’ bake just for her to not let me have anythin’!” Pam complained from her spot on the armchair in the living room. She handed Penny a little garland from the bin she held in her lap, pointing to one last little spot on the wall where it could possibly fit.
“You know I’m making some for all of us soon,” Marnie reminded her, a light, playful scold in her voice, “Like I told you, these ones are for the ladies group,”
Pam leaned her elbows on the bin, propping her chin on her hands and batting her eyelashes dramatically, Well I’m a lady, ain’t I?”
“Yoba have mercy,” Marnie muttered under her breath, shaking her head as she turned back to her work. Shane fought to stifle back a laugh, turning his attention back to Marnie, “I’ll get out of your hair, Ma, don’t worry,”
“Thank you,” Marnie mused, a smile on her face.
“Don’t mention it,” Shane beamed, promptly snatching another cookie from the tray, earning another cross look from Marnie.
“Shane Aaron Yoder, don’t make me kick you out of my kitchen,”
“Yoder-Lillis,” he retorted.
“Don’t correct me while I’m correcting you, young man,” she scoffed, the smile on her face betraying the scold of her tone. She just couldn’t help but feel so proud and happy for him everytime she remembered the hyphenated addition to his name, after all.
A little giggle rang out from behind Shane, almost in response to the situation unfolding in the kitchen. He turned to see none other than his beloved spouse standing in the doorway, a little baby sitting in their arms. She was absolutely adorable, dressed in a frilly, vintage little hand-me-down outfit, her curly purple hair pulled into teeny pigtails. Her eyes lit up at the sight of her fathers face, an excitement rising within her as she reached out a little hand in his direction, grasping Möhle’s hair in the other.
“If you’re done with menacing everyone in the kitchen, can you help me here?” Möhle laughed teasingly. They winced as the baby in their arms yanked at their long curls yet again, holding the red strands tight in her chubby little fist as she giggled away. Shane gently took her from her other parents arms, doing his best to get her to let go of their hair, though she wouldn’t give up without a fuss.
“Come on, Hannah, you know that hurts renny,” he murmured, finally managing to pull the hair away from her. Möhle sighed in relief, wasting no time to grab a hair tie from their pocket and put their hair up and away where Hannah couldn’t reach, “I cannot wait until she’s out of this grabby phase…” they sighed, “Anything she can see she just takes,”
“Must get it from her father,” Marnie joked, earning an eye roll from Shane. He looked back down at his youngest daughter, watching as she grabbed at the mermaid's pendant around his neck, yanking on the charm and admiring the iridescent colors sparkling in the light. Shane pulled it away and tucked it beneath the collar of his sweater for safe-keeping, turning back to his spouse. Möhle gave him an exhausted smile, an almost dazed look in their eye.
“You alright?” he asked, genuine concern in his tone. Möhle waved him off, fighting back a yawn, “Just tired… Haven’t been able to get her to nap still n’ she kept me up all night… again,”
“I can take over some night shifts for you,” Shane offered, “You can always ask for help, Mo,”
“Funny… usually I’m the one telling you that,” they mused, a hint of a laugh in their tone.
Shane pulled them in closer, holding them tight to his side with a goofy grin on his face, “Just lookin’ out for my wonderful, handsome spouse, that’s all,” he gave them a kiss on the cheek, and a quiet laugh erupted from Möhle. They pushed his face away lightly and put a hand to their cheek. Shane raised a brow, giving them a curious and amused expression, “What was that for?”
“Your stubble is prickly, it feels funny,” Möhle laughed.
“Ohhh,” Shane mused, giving them a short nod, “Well that’s too bad,”
He leaned in for another kiss on their cheek, nuzzling his face against theirs. Möhle let out a laugh, smushing their hand against his face as they giggled, “You’re such an ass,” they teased.
“And yet you still married me,”
“I did, didn’t I?” they responded, a smile curling on their mouth. They gave him a little kiss on the nose, “Love you, Rooster,” they whispered.
“Love you too…” Shane murmured back. The two basked in this little moment together, though they’d find it wouldn’t last too long. Möhle felt a little tap on their arm, looking down to see a particularly excited Jas.
“Do you think you could help me with my present now?” she asked in a coy tone, a grin upon her face.
“The jewelry kit?”
“Yeah!” Jas affirmed, her voice growing more excited, “I wanna make something for you!”
“Looks like I’m needed elsewhere, then,” Möhle mused, giving Shane one last tiny kiss on the cheek, turning their attention back to Hannah for just a moment, “Be good for your papa, meisli,”
As the two of them went on their way, Shane and Hannah were left standing in the doorway on their lonesome, Marnie soon leaving the kitchen to stand by them. They looked out at the scene in the living room, just basking in it. It was an adorable scene to be sure. Jas and Möhle were getting along while Pam and Penny worked on the final touches of decorations, all the while sweet and soft holiday music played out. Shane found it heartwarming, almost entirely entranced by the scene until he heard a soft sniffle from his side, one that came from Marnie.
“Ma, are you okay?”
“Ah, I just-” Marnie sniffled, wiping away her tears with her thumb, “I just never thought this would be our family…”, She looked at each individual member of the family, feeling her heart swell with pride, “I can’t believe we have this… “
“... Yeah. Me neither,” Shane mused quietly.
“It’s strange to think that we used to be the only members left in this family,” Marnie began to reminisce to a sadder, darker time, “But look at this…. All of this. This family, it’s thriving, it’s growing… It’s everything I ever wanted,”
She paused for a moment, looking at the framed photos on the wall, at the portraits of people who she wished were sitting with the family more than anything in this world, “Well… almost everything,” she corrected herself.
She turned to look at Shane, smiling softly as she looked at his eyes. Mere years ago they were dull and sad, beholding a wealth of sadness coming from his soul. But they didn’t look like that anymore. They were lively, shining a bright and jovial green. She hadn’t seen that in so long, and almost gave up on ever witnessing it again, never believing it would come to be. She was glad to be wrong for once.
“You know… I see that light again,” she beamed, “The one in your eyes. I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve last seen it,”
Shane smiled bashfully, looking out to the people in front of him with adoration, “Well… I guess I just finally have a reason for it. I spent so much time barely surviving… but I’m living now. I’m happy.”
He looked over to the couch, looking at Möhle sitting there with Jas at their side. They were helping her open one the brand new jewelry making set that she’d been begging for for months now, the one Möhle had gifted her just hours ago. They looked so happy, like that perfect little family he’d always imagined whenever they were all together. But he wasn’t flustered or shy at the thought of it anymore; he was proud. This was his little family, one he could proudly call his own. He never thought he’d have this. A far younger, much more immature Shane would’ve laughed at the idea of even getting married, let alone being a father. But he found that life was funny like that. Even though it was never in the plan, here he was with two wonderful daughters and a loving spouse, a farm that was succeeding, and a town that loved them all. And it wasn’t fate or some supernatural force that had brought it all together. It was him. He found this little family of his on his own, and put in the work to keep it and watch it thrive.
Just five years ago, Shane saw himself as a curse, a blight, on his family. He felt like a misfortune, a mess, something thrust upon good people who deserved much better. But right now, right in this moment, things were different. Shane loved himself, he loved his life, he loved the work he put into growth and change. It had all been worth it, giving him something greater than his imagination could muster. What more could he ask for?
“You two get on in here!” Pam called out, motioning for the two of them to enter the living room, “We’re gettin’ a movie on, come sit down already,”
“Is it Miracle on Coldstar Ranch?” Marnie asked, a glimmer of excitement in her eye. Pam gave her a smirk and nodded curtly, “Damn right it is, now c’mon,”
Marnie was excited as if it were her first time going to see it, regardless of the fact that she’d watched it possibly more than anyone else in the world. She immediately began to make her way over to the couch, Shane trailing close behind. He sat in the last empty spot beside Möhle, passing Hannah back to them before leaning back in his seat, waiting patiently for the old-timey opening credits to end.
He looked up to the wall, scanning over the old photos from past Winter Stars. They ranged through decades, from when Marnie and his mother were girls, all the way up to this very day. Unlike the past, this year's portrait was full, having more people than he ever thought he’d see. His eyes lingered on one particular picture though, the one from the year everything fell apart, the worst year of his life. Even as he smiled in the photo, he looked so terrified and fragile, like he could just shatter at any given moment. There was nothing more that Shane wished for than to go back in time, to look at that scared young man and tell him “It’s all gonna be okay.”. In that moment it was hard not to be afraid, to not just want to give up.
Shane used to hate himself for falling apart like that, often screaming at his past self for not getting up and making things work like he should have. Now, he just wanted to sit with him, hold him tight and tell him about everything that would come to be. He’d have someone who loved him unconditionally, he’d be on a two year sobriety streak, his family would thrive, and he’d have new friends too, good ones. And while they would never and could never replace Jason and Amelia, he loved them just the same, and couldn’t wait to see what new adventures awaited them all.
Things would never be the same. That was something he had grown to accept over the years. It was a fact that was simultaneously so heartbreaking, but also so exciting. It was true that he would never regain what he’d lost, but he’d gain other things in life that would bring him such joy. He’d already gained so much. All that he had in this moment, all that he’d worked towards, all of it was right in front of him in this little room. It was something he never thought he’d want… and something he didn’t think he’d even live to see. But now, he couldn’t imagine his life without it, and he’d never give it up, not for anything in this world.
“Are you alright?” a soft whisper called out. Shane turned his head to the direction of the voice, finding Möhle to be its source. He gave them a smile, one that was genuine and sweet all the same.
“Of course I am,” he affirmed, “I’m just–… I’m happy,”
“Yeah?” Möhle asked, returning the same smile.
Shane nodded in response, “Yeah… Why wouldn’t I be?”
He took their hand in his and held it gently, interlocking his fingers with theirs. The pair turned their attention back to the tv, watching as the opening scene of that classic holiday movie finally began to play, showing a family not much unlike theirs trying to get through their own struggles. Shane had watched it enough times to know that they too would also get through their hardships, just like he had done. It was funny. Once he had thought this movie was depressing, not finding much joy in watching it, nor understanding why his aunt loved it so much. But after all of this time and growth, he finally got it. He could finally see the bigger picture, and what a beautiful picture that was.
As he sat there, basking in the joy of this little celebration, there was only one thing on his mind; a sense of pride. For once in a long while, he was proud of himself and the life he’d made. He wouldn’t change or trade it for anything in the world. It took all that he had to keep going on, and he knew the road ahead was still long and daunting. But all of this here; his spouse, his daughters, his home, his family…. It made it worth it. As hard as all of this was to trudge through, he couldn’t deny that the future was looking bright.
And for the first time in years, he was finally moving forward.
Wow, second to last chapter. Honestly it feels weird to be here already, kind of emotional too. This fic has been such a huge project for me, and I'm so proud to see it come to fruition. There's one last chapter before we're done, and I'm so excited for everyone to see it.
Summary: After the disastrous night before the Flower Dance, Shane isn't feeling too eager about the festival. In fact, he's dreading it, and so is Mohle. It's going to take much talking, and open minds, for things to get back to normal... or maybe even change into something better.
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The morning of the Flower Dance had soon come, but Shane found he didn’t feel any better. The gloom of the previous night still hung over his head, casting a shadow over the entire day. He already wasn’t looking forward to the dance, merely putting up with it for Marnie and Jas at this point. But all of this just made him wish it was all over already, that he could go home and be with the chickens, or play video games, or do quite literally anything else. But in the meantime, he found himself standing at the far end of the field, shutting himself away from any other person. He didn’t particularly feel in the mood to talk to anyone, especially after last night.
He watched silently as Marnie chattered and laughed away with Pam, the pair all dressed up in their fanciest, frilliest dresses for the festival. Jas was off spinning in circles with Vincent, her delighted giggles carrying over the wind across the field. They all seemed to be having a nice enough time, but Shane just couldn’t seem to understand why. The festival had always been such a loathsome thing. He felt out of place for not enjoying it, knowing he was likely the only person in this town that held such negative feelings towards it. Perhaps it was the ‘tradition’ of it all, the expectations that came with the festival. Shane wasn’t a very traditional person in most senses, after all. He never wanted to be, and never intended to be… But he would put up with it for now. Just this once.
It could have been good, though. In fact, it could have been great. All the past week, Shane had been imagining the most wonderful scenarios of the festival playing out, all in a timeline where the celebration had gone to plan. In those fantasies he was out and about, talking to friends and letting them know all about their wonderful, newfound love, earning congratulations from everyone. Then, they’d dance in the middle of the field, and for once in years Shane would actually enjoy being a spectacle. It would’ve been a perfect moment, a beautiful one. It was supposed to be that way… But now it couldn’t, and he didn’t know how to handle it other than isolating himself at the edge of the field, staring at the other townsfolk as they flitted about and enjoyed themselves.
Standing just a few yards away from his miserable self was Möhle and Elliott, the latter of whom was chattering away at length about his most recent novel. Möhle, however, wasn’t listening all that much to what their cousin was saying. They were preoccupied with stealing glances at Shane when they thought they could get away with it, feeling so much guilt when they saw the glum look on his face. In any other situation they would have just chalked it up to Shane being Shane. But not today. They knew this was their fault, and they had to make it right…. They just didn’t know how.
“You know, I’m thinking of changing my publisher,” Elliott scoffed, “All he does is talk about how my language is too flowery and my themes are too drawn out. Does no one like complex literature anymore? Does no one understand metaphors?”
“Yeah… Yeah sure,” Möhle mumbled, entirely not paying attention to a word Elliott had just said. He let out a tiny huff, one of slight annoyance.
“You aren’t listening to a word I say, are you?” he questioned. Möhle seemed to break from their trance, apologetically shaking their head, folding their arms to resign into themself, “No… I-I’m sorry, my mind is just-... it’s somewhere else today,”
“... You know, he’ll understand once you tell him what was going on.” Elliott assured. He was entirely aware of the events of the previous night, knowing well that Möhle was deeply upset by them, “If Shane truly is a good man like you say he is, he will forgive you for it,”
“You think so?”
“I do,” Elliott nodded. He stood tall and drew in a breath, looking over in the same direction Möhle was staring, “Sometimes I don’t understand what you see in him, Möhle. He’s… a tad crass. Perhaps strange-”
“Elliott.”
“Let me finish!” he interjected, “I was going to say that even with all of that… I think I can see the good in him, too. In little passing moments, in the way he treats animals, in his care for his family… It’s all honorable. And… I do believe he cares for you,” he smiled softly, a glint of empathy in his eyes, “It would’ve been wonderful if you were able to tell him how you felt last night,”
Möhle kept their eyes trained on Shane, feeling their heart pang harder, “It would…”
“You know, there’s a few minutes before the dance starts. Perhaps you could use that to make it up to him,” Elliott mused, “This festival’s purpose is to help relationships bloom, is it not?”
“I guess,” Möhle stated plainly, not entirely sure of themself or of Elliott’s words. He placed his hand on their shoulder, giving it a tiny, affirming squeeze before pulling away.
“Just something to think about…” he murmured, “I’m going to go find Harvey though, we’re dancing this year… I wish you luck,”
Möhle nodded and turned back to look at Shane, finding him still in his spot all alone. They gathered their courage to make their way towards him, murmuring confident affirmations to themself. Their feet felt like lead weights, dragging with every step they took, their body almost trying to prevent them from approaching their friend. But Möhle persisted, using all the effort in the world to drag themself along until they were right in front of him.
“Shane?”
He froze at the sound of that all too familiar voice, the deep husk he associated with Möhle. He turned slowly, finding the farmer standing right behind him, dressed up in their absolute finest outfit. They donned a deep blue ankle length skirt, a puffy white blouse with long sleeves, and a black vest embroidered with tulips and vines. It was surprisingly fancy for them. He knew how much they preferred earthy tones and looser, sturdier clothing for daily life. He could tell they were uncomfortable too, much like him. Neither of them wanted to be here already, and given the events of the previous night, that feeling was strengthened.
There was a suffocating silence between them, neither Shane nor Möhle able to look each other in the eye. Shane could practically feel the guilt emanating from them, their posture and expression telling him all he needed to know.
“I’m sorry,” they finally whispered, “I did want to be there last night, honest…”
“Where were you, then?” Shane all but demanded to know. He finally looked them dead in the face, serious as ever, “Mo, you promised… You knew that was important to me,”
“I know, I know… I did have a reason though, I promise,” Möhle insisted. They looked out to the field around them, seeing the sheer amount of people who stood around them, “I want to tell you why, and I will. But not here, not now,”
Shane tried not to be skeptical, but he just couldn’t help it. There was a part of him that still just didn’t trust that they were being honest, even though he wanted to. He slowly nodded in acknowledgment, still silent as ever. Möhle could feel the tension rise in them, a sick feeling rising up their throat. They could do this, they just had to get past the dance and they could finally tell him what was really going on. But even though they knew he’d understand their reasoning, they knew that they still had to make amends. That celebration meant the world to him, they knew it. There was only one thing they could think of in the moment to try and mend the hurt they caused, and Möhle desperately hoped it would work.
“Can I try to make it up to you?” they asked. Shane crossed his arms, raising a brow in curiosity, but still not speaking. Möhle held out a shaky hand to him, mustering the courage to finally look him in the eye, a shy smile on their face.
“Would you want to dance with me?”
Shane’s expression melted into something much softer, his interest entirely piqued. He stared down at their hand, mulling the decision over in his mind for just a moment before reaching out to take it, holding their hand gently within his own.
“That sounds… good,” he admitted, a coy smile showing up on his face. Möhle suddenly seemed much happier and determined, a newfound confidence in them. They squeezed his hand in affirmation before leading him to the middle of the field where the other pairs were convening, all waiting for Lewis to give the cue to start the music. Shane and Möhle awkwardly shuffled into position, trying to figure out where to rest their hands and how to stand, suddenly feeling much more pressure to get this right now that they were out where everyone could see them. If the two of them were honest, they had no idea what they were doing. Dancing wasn’t a talent either of them boasted, especially in public. On any other occasion, they wouldn’t want to, preferring to stay by the sidelines with the other folks in town. But if they were together, perhaps this could be tolerable… maybe even fun.
As the music began, the couples all started their dancing, being watched on by the other villagers as they twirled and spun with each other across the field. Marnie took great joy in seeing Shane actually enjoy himself at the festival for once, happy to finally see him trying new things without her needing to force him. Seeing him happy with the person he loved made Marnie feel like maybe everything was alright. Maybe everything was going back to how it should be.
The only thing that could make this a truly perfect day was having a partner of her own to dance with. She took a glance across the field, seeing Lewis standing there on his lonesome. He knew she was staring, but refused to acknowledge it, looking off into space with a blank look in his eye, entirely ignoring her. She couldn’t really blame him. The two of them weren’t really on good terms anymore, after all. Once Marnie had found that letter from Shane’s father, she began to think more critically about her own relationship. Was she really going to stay in a relationship with someone who disrespected her and her time, let herself be led on and kept a secret? Her sister had done the same with Gerard, and Marnie knew well how much heartbreak that had ended in. She didn’t want that for herself. She had given Lewis one last chance to agree on going public, and was met once again with pushback. Then and there, she had decided it was over, for good. It was a difficult decision to make, she couldn’t deny that, but she could accept it. It was better to be free and lonely than it was to be trapped in the relationship she had become so jaded by. For now, she tried to be content to just stand on the sidelines and watch her friends and family get what they wanted, simply being happy that they were happy.
Pam stepped closer to her side, wrapping an arm around her friend's shoulder as they watched the dancers in the field, “Havin’ fun?”
“Yeah…” Marnie mused, a content smile on her face, “I haven’t seen those two look that happy in so long. It’s nice…”
“Always sweet to see young love bloomin’ like that…” Pam muttered. A smile curled onto her face as an idea popped into mind, “Music’s nice too… shame to just be standin’ on the sidelines.”
Marnie nodded in agreement, a glum look on her face, “I know…. Can’t exactly dance by myself though, now can I?”
“Who says you have’ta dance alone?”
“No one’s asked me,” Marnie scoffed, shaking her head, “I’d look crazy out there,”
Pam pulled her arm away from Marnie’s shoulder, instead motioning out a hand for her friend to take, a genuine look of adoration on her face, “Then why don’t we look crazy together?”
Marnie looked down at her friends hand, furrowing her brow as her mind turned. She looked back to Pam in complete bewilderment, not understanding what was going on in the slightest, “What are you…?”
“You ‘n me, Marn,” Pam held out her hand just a bit further, “Ain’t too late to join in, y’know,”
“I know, but… You want to dance… with me?”
“I’ve wanted to longer than you know. Just… been waitin’ for the right time, I s’pose,” Pam beamed, “There never really is a right time t’ tell someone you love em, though,”
Marnie didn’t know how to respond in the slightest, completely frozen in surprise. “Love”... That word reverberated in her mind over and over again, every interaction she had with her friend suddenly being given a new context. Oh, how oblivious she had been all these years. All the times she had heard the words ‘I love you’ and assumed they were platonic, assuming her near life-long friend was simply that; only a friend. Only now could she see the truth in front of her. She had been loved all this time, through every triumph, trial, and tribulation. And maybe… just maybe… she was beginning to realize the feeling was mutual.
“So…” Pam started nervously, “What d’you say?”
A smile slowly found its way onto Marnie's face as she reached out to take Pams hand, “I think I’d like that,”
The pair made their way out to meet with the other dancers, quickly joining in and finding their footing. It didn’t take them long to catch up with the rest, their steps graceful and perfect, just as Pam always imagined it would be. As the two danced, Marnie caught another glimpse of Lewis. He looked entirely bewildered, upset even. She tried not to let it affect her though, she wouldn’t let it steal her joy. She just turned her attention back to Pam, focusing all of her attention on her as they danced on.
Meanwhile, Shane and Möhle were still as awkward as ever, occasionally stepping on the other's shoe or stumbling, hissing out a little ‘sorry’ every time one of them made a mistake. They seemed to find amusement in it though, giggling to themselves over how pathetic their attempt at dancing was. It was awkward and unrefined, but fun all the same. The pair were able to forget about the events of the previous evening, putting it all aside for this one little dance, for this single moment.
As the pair made another spin, Shane was able to see Marnie in clear view, seeing her dance with none other than Pam. Had they been dancing this entire time? How the hell had he missed that?
“What the hell?” he whispered, peering curiously over at the two of them. Möhle craned their neck to look in the same direction, letting out a small ‘aww’ as they saw the pair laughing amongst themselves, enjoying the other's company, “They look so happy!”
“Yeah, I guess…”
“Is something wrong?” Möhle questioned, getting an awkward grimace from Shane in response, “Well…. No. And I guess I should have seen this comin’, they’ve always been close, but-”
“... But?”
“Man, I don’t know how I feel about Pam being my aunt,” Shane groaned. Möhle scoffed lightly, speaking with a teasing tone, “They’re just dancing, they’re not getting married. Besides, they look happy! You should be glad that she’s finding love,”
“I am happy for her, but… Pam? Really?”
“Love is just… weird, I guess.” Möhle shrugged. They smirked and let out a short laugh, “But hey, better than Lewis, right?”
“Yoba, don’t fuckin’ remind me,” Shane grumbled, wincing at even the thought of his aunt being with the mayor. Anything was better than that absolute trainwreck of a relationship that had been going nowhere. He wasn’t sure how he felt about this either… but it was nice to see his aunt so happy again, with someone who loved her out loud instead of hiding her away. She deserved that after all she’d been put through these past few years. He felt a smile creep up his face as he watched the two of them continue dancing away, like they’d been making up for lost time. As odd as it was, maybe it was a good sign. Maybe this was the start of something new, something good.
The music soon came to an end and the couples stopped their dancing, bringing the festival to a close. While other pairs walked off to talk or go home, Möhle and Shane stood still in their spots, gazing at each other with longing.
“So… Do you think we can talk now? Alone?” Möhle asked cautiously, “Maybe somewhere where the entire town can’t hear us,”
“Where were you thinking?”
Möhle shrugged, “Why don’t we just wander a bit? See where things take us,”
Shane was about to answer, but before he even got the chance Möhle was on their merry way, making strides out of the field. He had to run to catch up with them, keeping a brisk speed-walking pace to even keep up with their long strides.
The pair headed back through Cindersap rather quietly, neglecting to speak for quite some time. They simply didn’t know what to say, or how to say it. There was just so much on their minds, too much.
The pair walked along the tree shaded paths of Cindersap, listening to the rustle of the wind, birdsong in the trees, the sounds of bugs flitting about the woods. It was hectic, yet soothing in an odd sort of way. The pair had grown up hearing the sounds of these old woods, the noise a nostalgic reminder of better times, the days before this all got so complicated. Once upon a time the only worries the two of them had were so juvenile- grades, rules, what adventures they’d go on… They could only hope for simple times like that now, before everything was like it was now. There was so much to do, so much to say, so much to be responsible for… such as their feelings. Both Möhle and Shane hoped the other would act like an adult, take the first step towards talking and laying it all out. But neither would open their mouth, silence following them along their path.
Eventually, Shane was the first to finally crumble, mumbling softly, “So… what happened? Where were you?”
“Ah, well…” Möhle seemed to get embarrassed, almost grimacing as their cheeks flushed. They took a moment to compose themself before continuing, “I was in Grampleton, trying to get to a jewelry shop… I took the bus down, and when I got there I got lost so fast. I-I had no idea where I was, I was just wandering forever until someone helped me. And by the time I found the store it was really late and it was already closed. I… figured you left the saloon by then. I’m sorry,”
“Hmm,” Shane acknowledged, lips pursed tight. He thought their words over for a minute before shaking his head, giving them a look of pure confusion, “A jewelry store, Mo? What were you doing?”
“Well there’s this, uh… tradition in the city,” Möhle tried to explain. They bunched up the fabric of their skirt between their fingers, rubbing it anxiously as they walked along, an attempt to self-soothe, “There’s this little silver band, a ring, that stores sell. It’s got a little saying engraved on the outside of it, somethin’ sweet,” they took a deep breath and forced a nervous smile onto their face, unable to look Shane in the eye, “Givin’ it to someone’s a way to ask them to be your partner…”
“Oh…” Shane noted softly, his expression quickly changing to one of surprise, blush biting at his cheeks as the realization sunk in, “Oh.”
“I was trying to get one for you, and I really messed it up…” Möhle groaned, hiding their face in their free hand, “I just…” they paused and stopped in their tracks for a moment, looking down at Shane with a curious expression as they heard him begin to… laugh? That was something they surely didn’t expect.
“What… are you doing?”
“Oh, it’s just…” Shane shook his head, letting one last laugh escape him before continuing, “I… got you a bouquet last night. I was going to ask you to be my partner too,”
“You’re kidding!”
“Nope,”
“God-damnit!” Möhle groaned. They clapped their hands to their face before dramatically dragging them down their cheeks, “I wish I knew… Yoba, I really fucked this up, didn’t I?”
“I mean, it’s just a miscommunication, Mo. And… honestly I’m just glad to know why you were out. ‘Specially considerin’ what you just told me,” Shane laid back beside them, giving off the most awkward smile, “You… really feel the same way, though?”
“Of course I do! I have for a while, but I think I finally realized it on Winter Star, when you came to check in on me… ” Möhle sighed, “I know you have a hard time with feelin’ like it, but… you’re a good guy, Shane,”
“Like hell I am,”
“You are!” Möhle insisted, “You’re really funny, and even if you’re not always happy and bubbly, you’re still kind. You might tell someone to fuck off, but if a friend needs help, you’re one of the first ones there. You’ve raised a really great and smart kid, you work your ass off at the ranch, you took such a huge leap to get help and I know that had to be terrifying… You may not feel the same, but I see the goodness in you. I always have,”
Shane didn’t say anything in response, simply looking at Möhle with such longing and adoration as they ranted on about what they loved about him, all the good qualities they saw in his soul. His heart felt light, a fluttering feeling beginning to form in his chest. Something about all of this just made his feelings grow deeper, stronger. He hadn’t even noticed he’d been staring so long until Möhle finally stopped talking, peering at him curiously.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, it’s just…” Shane whispered, “I love you. A lot. And I don’t know how to say it properly, o-or how to even express it…”
“I… might have an idea,” Möhle mused softly, leaning in just a bit closer, just enough for Shane to feel the warmth of their breath on his face. There wasn’t a word spoken between them, but there was an understanding between them, a deep desire. They leaned in closer, soft lips meeting each other and lingering for a single, magical moment. The forest around them seemed to turn still, as if time had stopped for this little moment between them. Finally, the two drew back from the kiss, their breath hitched and chests tight. Möhle pulled back further, leaning back so far Shane was worried they’d fall backwards.
“What are you doing?”
“Making sure I’m not in the splash zone this time,”
Shane scoffed and hit their arm lightly, “Way to ruin the mood, asshole,” he laughed,”It was one time,”
“The average amount of times people throw up on someone after kissing them is zero, just so you know,” Möhle laughed in return, trying to hide the blush on their face. They looked him in the eye, seeing a silent melancholy in them, one that wasn’t befitting of this moment. It made them feel just a bit tense, unease flooding their heart.
“So… what does this mean for us?” they asked, “Is this… official, now?”
Shane’s smile dropped, a more serious look replacing it. He cleared his throat and paused for a moment, trying to find the best way to word what he wanted to say, especially after just sharing a kiss, “Honestly? I don’t know. I do love you, so much. But… damn, I-”
“Mo, when you didn't show up last night I just… spiraled. I lost it.” he admitted, shame in his tone, “I knew there must have been a reason you were gone, and there was… but it got bad last night. And it made me realize that-...” He paused for a moment.
“... That what?” Möhle asked.
He looked them in the eye, looking as apologetic as he could possibly be, “I’m not ready for this, Mo. I want to be, but I’m not. And I don’t know when I will be ready,” he felt a queasy feeling in his stomach rise up, “I think I just want to be your friend for now, until I get all my shit under control…. Is that okay?”
Möhle took a moment to process, feeling undeniably disappointed at his words, as well as confused. They were crushed. This was now the second time they’d shared a kiss only for things to go nowhere… What the hell was happening? They tried their best to wrap their mind around it, understanding what Shane was saying, and why… But that disappointment just wouldn’t go away. It couldn’t.
“It isn’t a no, just… a ‘later’.” Shane affirmed, “I want this, but I can’t love you the way you deserve to be loved right now. And I don't want to mess this up… does that make sense?”
“... We have been through a lot this past year, haven’t we?” Möhle muttered. They let out a short, weak laugh, trying their best to fight back tears, “I.. I get it. I know you’re going through a lot still. We both are,”
“I just don’t want to dump it all on you or make it your problem… not any more than I already have,” Shane explained, “But… I don’t want to keep you waitin’ forever either. This could take a while, Mo. It could be months, or years… And I get it if that's too much for you… But I want to be honest,”
“.... Well-” Möhle smiled and took his hands, holding them like they were the most precious things in the world, “- I guess it’s a good thing you’re someone I don’t mind waiting for, huh?”
“Yeah...” Shane mused, feeling a smile pull at his lips, “I guess it is,”
"Moving Forward Spiraling Downward Chapter 23- Maybe Tomorrow Can Be Different"
First things first- apologies for taking so long. A lot has been happening and, not gonna lie, I got a bit burnt out. I'm feeling better though, and I'm excited to write more! Thank you all for being so patient with me about this chapter.
Also… Don't know if anyones noticed, but an extra chapter has been added on to this fic. Things got a little long and I figured that I'd split the chapter in two for the sake of pacing.
CWs for this chapter include allusions to alcoholism and mentions of abandonment
Summary: It's the end of Spring and Shane is marking a month of sobriety, and has just the perfect idea to celebrate it! With all that's been happening, and with the Flower Dance around the corner, he decides it's time to take a big chance with one of his best friends in the world. But when things go wrong, he's left wondering if he truly is ready for this next chapter of his life.
AO3 Version Here
Tumblr Version below the cut
Life was good. Better than good, really. Now that Summer was just around the corner, the weather was finally warm again, the days were longer, the Flower Dance was just a day away, and everything just seemed happier. But best of all was that today Shane was celebrating one full month of sobriety. He never thought he’d see this happen so soon, and it had been so much hard work to stay afloat. But he’d been willing to do it, and it was so worth it. It let him be more involved in the lives of friends and family, having more energy and money, along with much more joy. It all felt so incredibly rewarding. There had been hard days, but he had gotten through them, and for that he was proud. Shane had been mulling over what a good celebration would be for the occasion, wanting it to be something very special. And after much deliberation and preparation he’d come to a decision, and he couldn’t be more excited to see it all play out.
His mind was abuzz with his plans, all else in the world completely falling to the wayside. His family was admittedly happy to see Shane so content, but they were perplexed all the same. They watched him walk with confidence in his step, smiling nearly the entire day. Marnie could have sworn she heard him humming something while they were working in the barn earlier, something he had never done, not even when he was younger. Jas noticed he was more energetic too, more willing to indulge in shenanigans than before. The two of them were very curious as to what could possibly have him acting this way, and they were intent on figuring it out.
Shane emerged from his room with a large paper bag in hand, cradling it close like it was the dearest thing to him. He was dressed sharply, his hair combed nicely and face shaved. He looked like a new man, and it made the curiosity only grow from there. Marnie took a break from cleaning up the counters and looked him up and down, smiling contentedly, “Look at you, all dressed up!”
“Gonna go celebrate at the saloon, of course I am!” Shane watched Marnie’s face fall to concern for just a moment at the mention of the saloon, and held up a defensive hand, “No, not like that… Just gettin’ some food with Möhle and talkin’, that’s all,”
Jas perked up at the mention of the farmer, turning her attention away from her coloring book at the kitchen table. Everything clicked together in just a moment. So that’s what had him so happy, that’s why he was putting together a grand plan! A smile crossed her face, hope in her heart, “Is Möhle gonna be your... your… um-” she paused for a moment, trying to find the word she was looking for, “I dunno the word,”
“Partner,” Shane informed, “And… I don’t know, Jassy,”
Jas looked almost disappointed, turning her attention back to her coloring, “Well they should… because then you can get married ‘n live happily ever after,”
It was typical of Jas to view everything in the lens of a fairytale book, something Shane grew to expect from her. Though as embarrassing as it was to dwell on his feelings for Möhle, he couldn’t help but be relieved that Jas seemed to be on board with the idea. Shane had a string of failed attempts at romance from the past few years. It would seem great on the first date, but as soon as they found out he had a kid and debts that were piling, they’d end things fairly quickly, not wanting that responsibility. But he thought that Möhle might be different. They knew about his issues, and they supported him through it anyway. They were good to Jas too, treating her with kindness and making her feel respected. And if Jas enjoyed their presence too, maybe something could work out between him and the farmer. Perhaps it was meant to be.
He broke himself away from his thoughts, realizing he was getting far too ahead of himself, embarrassed to be dwelling on the idea yet again. He took a moment to clear his mind before finally responding to Jas, “I don’t need to be in love to live happily ever after, Jassy,” he smiled, “I got you guys and all my friends… that’s all I need,”
Jas shrugged in response, turning back to her coloring, “Well… that’s okay too,” she mused, “But I like my idea,”
Shane let out a short amused huff, turning to his aunt with a smirk on his face, “I’ll probably be out late… is that okay?”
“Of course! I’ve got it under control here” Marnie lilted. She turned her gaze to the bag in his arms, a curious look on her face, “Now… what’s this about?”
Shane seemed to grow defensive, holding it closer to himself in an attempt to hide the contents, “Nothing too special… just a gift for Mo, somethin’ to say thanks for stickin’ with me,”
Marnie wasn’t buying it, not one bit. She squinted skeptically, getting up on her tip-toes to get a good glance into the bag. She was just barely able to see what sat inside, but it was enough to make her heart jolt. Shock crossed her face, an excited smile quickly replacing it, “Shane-!”
He quickly shushed her, glancing nervously at Jas and back to Marnie, “I don’t want Jas to know yet. In case… y’know… it doesn’t go well,” he whispered, “You know how she gets her hopes up,”
“It will go well, I know it!” Marnie whispered, hardly able to contain her excitement, “Oh I’m so happy for you!”
“Let’s just see how it goes…” Shane looked nervous, not exactly feeling confident about his plans for tonight. But his aunt was doing her best to get him hyped up, being his number one supporter as always. Marnie always believed in him, even through his darkest moments, and she believed in him now too.
“Come on, let’s get you going!”
“Ma, wait-”
“No waiting, let’s go!” she urged, motioning towards the door. Marnie never thought she’d be excited to see Shane head to the saloon, but tonight she very much was. She practically shoved him through the doorway, eager to get him out to his celebration with Möhle. Shane, however, was taken aback by her eagerness, finding it quite amusing to see her so excited over this.
“Make sure you tell me all about it tonight!” she requested, “And have fun!”
She waved him goodbye from the door, watching eagerly as he walked off towards town. Though Shane appreciated her excitement and good wishes towards him, it did make him feel even more anxious. If tonight didn’t go well, there would be yet another person disappointed, another person to let down. Oh how he wished she didn’t know about all of this.
He tried to have confidence in himself. Shane had talked about this idea at length with his therapist prior, discussing the best way to go about things and good coping mechanisms for when he got nervous. He just kept trying to think to himself, “You got this, it’s going to be great!”. Shane didn’t know how much he believed that, but he tried to keep that thought in mind. He did have this, and it was going to be great. Those thoughts kept him afloat, turning his nervousness into anticipation as he finally approached the saloons steps.
It was interesting to be sitting somewhere besides the bar counter for once. Shane had reserved the little table over in the rec room, asking for Gus to have it closed off just for tonight. He wasn’t one for grand spectacles, and wanted to have some semblance of privacy during the night. He nervously sat in his seat, glancing over at the empty chair across from him, bouncing his leg anxiously. Möhle lived not too far from the saloon, about the same distance as him. What could possibly be taking so long? Where were they? He told them the right time to arrive… right? Every minute felt like an eternity as he waited, eyes trained on that empty chair.
His thoughts were interrupted as a message came through on his phone, one from the very person he was waiting on,
“Hey, I’m so sorry I’m running late, I’m not in town right now. I’ll let you know when I’m omw, ok?”
“That’s okay, see you soon Mo”
“(^-^)”
Shane placed his phone back down on the table, feeling that nervous sensation continue to grow. Something about this made him feel on edge… Something wasn’t right. What could have possibly come up? What was so important that they had to be out of town? They made plans, plans he was looking forward to for a plethora of reasons. Were they ditching him?
He tried to snap himself away from those thoughts, feeling just a bit selfish for even entertaining them. Möhle had important things going on in their life too, more than just him. He tried to keep that in mind, tried to remind himself that they did care and did want to be there. Patience was key…. But his mind just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was awfully wrong.
“What if they’re annoyed at me? Yoba, what if they hate me? They’d be too nice to say it too…: he thought to himself. He kept imagining that they were purposely brushing him off, perhaps just sitting at home, maybe even ditching plans to be with someone else. Reason fought back, reminding him that Möhle wasn’t that type of person, that he was being ridiculous. But the little voice in his head kept whispering those awful ideas into his mind, making him grow anxious and frustrated. His hands were gripped tight around the bag he was carrying, squeezing it as his thoughts continued to spiral.
He checked his phone again, praying for some kind of message that confirmed they would be here soon. But there was nothing, just that little smiley emoji sitting as the most recent text. He wanted to check in again… but would that make him look desperate? Would it annoy them? What the hell was wrong with his brain tonight? He hadn’t felt like this in so long, he had no idea what in the world was setting it off.
Nearly an hour passed before he finally bit the bullet and messaged again.
“Almost here?”
“No, sorry. Still out.”
Fuck. Shane’s mind continued to churn, his anxiety growing heavier with every passing moment. Reason was sorely losing the battle, being overpowered by the ever-present feeling of mistrust and nervousness. He could only imagine what they must be doing, feeling his heart pang as he imagined them having fun out of town, blowing off their plans for something fun that didn’t involve him. No. No, they wouldn’t, he tried desperately to remind himself of that. They were just running a bit late, they’d be here any moment. He was sure of it.
His phone buzzed one more time, another message coming through. It was only seven simple words, but it was enough to break his heart.
“I can’t come anymore. I’m sorry.“
Crushed didn’t even begin to describe how Shane felt. So, they weren’t coming after all. How fucking disappointing. He stared at the screen for just a few moments, just enough to let the message sink in, still in disbelief. With a shaky hand he mustered all the strength he had to push back his frustration at the situation, only to send something that sounded passive aggressive anyways.
“Fine.”
With a huff he shoved his phone back into his pocket, a sick feeling in his stomach. His face was sullen, his legs almost shaky as he stood from the table, walking out of the saloon all on his lonesome, the opposite of how he wanted to end the night.
Stepping out into town square, Shane found the air to be much colder, biting at his cheeks and freezing his hands. The sky had turned into a sea of ink, and the stars he so adored were hidden behind a haze of clouds, shrouding the valley in pure darkness. He sighed pitifully and looked back to the bag in his hands, feeling his heart pang when he saw what had become of what was inside. He gingerly pulled a wilted bouquet from its confines, finding the stems bent and snapped, loose petals falling down to the stone pathway. It was ruined, just like the night had been. What a mess this all had been.
Why did he think this was a good idea? Why did he think he could do this? He obviously wasn’t ready for a relationship, and it seemed to him like Möhle didn’t even feel the same way. They didn’t even show up, after all. But he couldn’t blame them, not a bit. Who would want to be with someone like him? Who would want to be with someone who was always just on the brink of despair? He certainly wouldn’t, that was for sure.
His expression of sorrow quickly changed to frustration, his grip getting tight around the flowers in his hand. He could hardly stand to look at them anymore, feeling a rage build up everytime they came into view. They were supposed to be a symbol of love, but all he saw in them was sheer, utter disappointment. Shane began to storm towards the direction of the ranch, his mind rampant with anger. To whom that anger was directed to, he wasn’t sure. Was it Möhle? Maybe… But maybe it was to himself for being so stupid to ever think that he could have something like this. As he approached the walkway back, he caught a glimpse of the river that flowed by, and threw the flowers into its depths, glaring at them with vitriol. The stream carried them out of sight, leaving Shane to look at his own reflection in the swirling waters. All he could do was sneer at it, feeling nothing but bitterness towards his image, the one that resembled the man he hated most in this life.
That’s when something clicked in his mind, something that made the rage turn to guilt in merely a moment. In a moment of clarity, he realized what had just happened. He had gotten angry at someone who cared about him, who wanted to be around him, all over something likely out of their control. He had no idea what kept them from the celebration today, but he let his insecurities get the best of him, allowing him to mistrust them, to assume they were lying. And now here he was, trashing the bouquet that was meant for them, the person he planned to ask to be his partner tonight.
All that was left was him standing there, staring down at the river, back at that damned face. Shane didn’t recognize himself, not one bit. The anger etched across his features, the look in his eye… All he could see was Gerard looking back at him, and oh, how disgusting he felt about it. He remembered the visit from months ago, remembering just how angry Gerard got over simple things, his entitled behavior and the way he made assumptions. He remembered the old stories he heard about him too that only affirmed what he had seen that day. Shane hated how Gerard acted…. but here he was now, acting just the same… wasn’t he? As much as Shane didn’t want it to be the case, he feared his behavior and his thoughts tonight were a sign that an awful cycle was about to continue on. A sick feeling accompanied that thought, awful questions swirling in his mind. Would he end up being like him? Was he already like him?
He slowly backed away from the river's edge, unable to look at himself any longer. He didn’t want to be reminded of Gerard anymore, he didn’t want to let these thoughts take over his mind. They couldn’t. Turning quickly, he began to make his way back to the ranch, walking as fast as he comfortably could, his mind focused on nothing else but getting back home and curling up under the covers to sleep and forget it all.
When he stepped in through the door, he found the house to be nearly silent, something he expected at this late hour. Jas was asleep, and Marnie was sitting in the kitchen, hunched over the table while working on an old quilting project for the first time in years. She was so focused that she didn’t seem to even notice that Shane had walked in at first. After a moment, she finally caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of her eye, a hopeful feeling returning to her. She placed down her needle, flashing him a smile, “So, how did it-!”
Shane ignored her, walking straight past the table and towards his room, shutting the door behind him firmly. Not enough to slam it, but just enough to get across that he was very unhappy. Marnie’s smile faded away, a nervousness starting to grow within her. She pushed her project to the side, sighing softly as she made her way to the door. She knocked quickly and cracked it open just a sliver, taking a peek inside. She saw him curled up on his bed facing towards the wall, unmoving and sullen. She took a deep breath in and out to prepare herself before making her way towards him, sitting gently at the foot of the bed.
“Do you want to talk about what happened?”
“I’m an idiot,” Shane muttered, “I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea,”
“... Did they say no?”
Shane remained quiet for just a moment before turning over to face outwards. He looked ahead at the wall blankly, a stone-cold expression upon his face, “They didn’t even show up,”
Marnie gave him a sympathetic look, tsking softly, “I’m sorry… Did they at least give you a reason? It’s not like them to just… not show up,”
“They did… sort of. And I get it. But I just-”
He paused for a moment, biting the inside of his cheek as he thought over what to say, “I got too into my head about it and it just made me get more upset,” he grumbled, “And then I just started thinking, “why do you think you’d be a good boyfriend, Shane?”. I’ve barely gotten back onto my feet, I’m still struggling, and I’m scared of just continuing this awful fuckin’ cycle,”
“What cycle?”
“You know what I mean. Every guy in this family has just been… awful,” Shane hissed, “I know grandpa was mean to you and momma, and my dad is a piece of shit that cheated and treats everyone like garbage… I’m so scared of ending up like them. I want to do my best, I don’t want to be like them, but… what if I am and I end up hurting Möhle?”
“You’re not going to hurt them,”
“I already have before! I-” Shane stopped for a moment, realizing what he had said about his father just mere moments ago, sharing information that he wasn’t supposed to know about. He could tell by the look on Marnie’s face that she had caught it. Shit. He slowly sat up, not looking Marnie in the eye out of shame.
She let out a quiet huff, speaking in a knowing tone, “Is there something else you want to tell me?”
He was quiet for a moment, biting the inside of his cheek as he silently cursed himself for ever bringing that up, “... I met him. Last year.” he finally admitted, “He sent a letter to the house a few months ago talkin’ about why he left momma,”
He flinched and hitched his breath, expecting Marnie to be angry with him, to scold him for withholding something like this for so long. But she wasn’t. Marnie was surprisingly calm and quiet, acting as if this news wasn’t news at all. Shane furrowed his brow, reluctantly looking at her, “Are you mad…?”
“... No. I’ve actually known about that for some time,” Marnie stated, an air of disappointment and melancholy in her voice, “I found that letter months ago, Shane. I’ve just been trying to give you the chance to tell me yourself,”
“What? How?”
“Next time you want to keep secrets from me, try to remember I’m the one who does laundry in this house,” Marnie scoffed, “It was in one of your pockets,”
Shane hunched over ashamedly, turning his face away from her, “I wanted to tell you… I just didn’t know how, and I was scared. I’m sorry,”
“I’ve already forgiven you, and I understand… I read the entire thing, I know that must have been hard for you to read too…” Marnie sighed softly, “Shane, I just wish you had let me help you through that. I hate that you let yourself go through these things alone,”
“I know…” Shane muttered, utterly embarrassed with himself.
Marnie placed a hand on his shoulder, her touch calming and grounding, “But listen… You won’t end up like him, I can promise you that,” she murmured, “You know why?”
Shane gave her an unconvinced look, squinting skeptically, “... Why?”
“Because if you were as bad as him, you wouldn’t be worried about causing harm,” Marnie assured, “A bad man doesn’t worry about whether or not he’s hurting people, he doesn’t want to be good… I’ve raised you to be good, Shane, and I know you are,”
“I don’t feel good,” Shane huffed, “I’ve already fucked up so much, and I don’t want to fuck this up either. Mo already has so much baggage, I can’t just add to it… I know I’m difficult to handle. They don’t deserve that,”
“Shouldn’t they decide what they deserve?” Marnie asked..
“I guess…” Shane shrugged, “But I just…”
“Just what?”
“I dunno, it’s dumb,”
“Just tell me,”
Shane folded his arms together, holding himself tight in an attempt to self-soothe, “I… look like my dad. A lot. And when I get angry, or upset, I worry I’m acting like him too. I keep thinking that it’s some bad sign, like he’s some fucked up picture of my future. Everytime I look at myself, I see him,”
He looked over at his TV, seeing his warped reflection in the empty screen, scouring every little detail, “Sometimes I wonder if Jay ever saw it too,”
“Look at me, Shane,” Marnie instructed.
He turned to face her, reluctantly looking her in the eye. Marnie gave him a weary smile, and took his hand, squeezing it tight, “It doesn’t matter if you look like him or not. You aren’t the things he’s done, and you aren’t him… you’re Shane. You’re a good man with so many people who care about him. That’s who you should see when you look in the mirror… that’s what we all see, and I’m sure that’s what Jason saw too,”
“Really?”
“Really.” Marnie affirmed, “We’re all so proud of you too. All this work you’re doing, the change we’ve seen in you… all of it shows the kind of person you are: A good man trying to do his best,”
“... Okay,” Shane let the tiniest smile slip onto his face, the dread in his heart lightening up just a bit. Reason and reality slowly began to set back in, his panic drawing to a close, replaced with a quiet anxiety. It was clear he was still very much not ready to open up a new chapter in life, and Yoba knew when he would be. But perhaps now he could try to accept that. He took a deep breath in and out, feeling his chest finally loosen.
“I still don’t think I’m ready. I want to be, and I’m not,” he admitted aloud, “But I’m thirty-two now, it’s not like I have all the time in the world to figure this out
… what if it winds up being too late when I do?”
“It’s never too late,” Marnie assured him, “Everything happens when it’s supposed to… You just need to have patience,”
“Yeah…” Shane muttered, “Thanks for talkin’ about this, by the way. How do you always know what to say?”
“Motherly intuition, I suppose,” Marnie laughed. She held him tight in a side hug for just a moment before fully letting him go, “I want to talk more later… I need to know more about that visit when you’re ready. But you need some rest, don’t you? Tomorrow is a big day,”
“Yeah, I guess…”
“I know you’re not usually a big fan of the dance, but maybe it’ll help get your mind off things, hmm?”
Shane shrugged, “... Actually, I was kinda lookin’ forward to it this year... I was gonna ask them to dance with me,”
“You still can,” Marnie encouraged, earning a huff from Shane in response.
“I don’t know anymore…” he mumbled, “Maybe,”
Shane fell into silence from there, entirely withdrawn into himself. He wasn’t confident that the plan was such a good idea. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to go to the dance anymore. It means so much to Jas and Marnie that he did go, though… Perhaps he could tough it out just this once for them, as much as he didn’t want to.
Marnie seemed to realize she wasn’t going to get much more conversation out of him, giving him one last hug and whispering “goodnight” as she left the room. Now that Shane was on his own, he could think more clearly about things. He felt a bit better… but he was still so incredibly dejected by the events of the night, barely even wanting to attend the dance anymore. Most years he loathed it. Ever since he was a little kid, he had dreaded seeing the festival approach. It was a day where he was forced to get dressed up in itchy, fancy clothes just to make a fool of himself in front of the entire town. He remembered there were many times when he was a young child where he’d get in trouble for jumping into a mud puddle or running through brambles to purposely ruin his outfit so he didn’t have to go. It was an absolute nightmare.
But this year was supposed to be different. He wanted it to be. Shane wanted to dance with them, putting aside his embarrassment and anxieties just for them. He wanted to be able to call them his partner, to use the dance to show their budding relationship to the town, to announce that he had finally fallen in love. But it wouldn’t come to be. He would be alone once again, on the sidelines.He wanted to try his best to get past the loathing and contempt for the festival for them… but now it seemed like it wasn’t worth it.
He tried to keep Marnie’s words in mind, to not spiral into a frenzy over one failed attempt at telling his friend how he felt. But it was hard not to. His mind simply worked against him, pushing reason aside to give way for all his fears and insecurities to cloud his mind. Those thoughts swirled in his head as he slowly fell asleep, that sense of dread weighing him down as he thought about what would come to be. But just as his eyes shut tight for the last time, one last spark of hope fluttered by, ending off the night with one tiny, positive thought.
"Moving Forward Spiraling Downward Chapter 22- Just the Two of Us"
Summary: The opening night of the gridball season has finally come, and those tickets Shane was gifted would finally be of use! He and Mohle would finally be heading to the city for one of the greatest openers they would ever see, and nothing could possibly put a dent in their plans…. right?
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Fun fact about this fanfiction- This entire thing was supposed to be a single chapter one shot, and THIS chapter uses the same plot. Through a lot of brainstorming and bouncing ideas around with friends, I wound up turning it into the fic we have today, and I can't believe I've gotten this far! This has been such a wild experience in a good way, and it's surreal to be here.
This chapter will be taking a twist on Shane's 10 heart event and I really enjoyed writing most of this chapter. It's a little bittersweet, but we'll start seeing everything fall into place quite soon
CWs for mentions of death in the past, a car accident (happens in a dream sequence), depictions of a panic attack, and emetophobia
AO3 Version Here
Tumblr Version below the cut
“That was crazy , wasn’t it?!”
“I’ve been tellin’ you to get back into the Tunnelers, they’re always this good,”
“I think I might!”
Möhle and Shane babbled on in the latters old car, gushing about the team and their feats tonight. The Tunnelers had once again defended their spot as the best team of their generation, domineering over any and all competition. Möhle had put aside their love for sports for some time, but this night had reignited it, giving them a new vigor. Seeing that sparkle in their eye and hearing the excitement in their voice made Shane feel something he didn’t exactly know how to place. Joy? Maybe. But maybe it was admiration. Maybe it was love. He wasn’t entirely sure. He never exactly had a good grasp on his feelings, after all. All he knew was that he was happy, and he had his friend to thank for that.
“Thanks for comin’ with me tonight. Haven’t done somethin’ like this with you in too long,” he mused, giving them the softest smile.
“Thanks for invitin’ me!” Möhle retorted. They leaned back in their seat, their loose curls squishing against the headrest, “Yoba I haven’t seen anythin’ like that, it was amazin’ … a little too loud though. I’ll have to bring headphones next time,”
“Next time?”
“Yeah! We should go again, you and me,” Möhle grinned ear to ear, “Wouldn’t it be fun?”
Shane thought for a moment, tapping a finger on the steering wheel as his mind turned, “Yeah… yeah it would be,” his cheeks flushed, a familiar pink tint overtaking them, “... Möhle?”
“Mm-hm?”
“I’ve been thinkin’... a lot. And I think that I-” he sighed and stopped himself, holding onto the steering wheel just a bit tighter. Möhle just smiled on, leaning in just a bit closer, “I’m listening,”
“I think… I think I-”
He froze, cutting himself off mid-sentence when he felt a terrible sensation that he remembered all too well. The burning heat of bright headlights, their blinding glow piercing through the window behind him, singing his neck. Those damned lights. He turned his head to find them mere inches from the window, unable to do anything but wait for that sickening metallic crunch, and for everything to go black.
Shane awoke, shooting upright in his bed, coated in sweat and tangled in his blankets. He clawed a hand at his chest, feeling his heart beat rapidly beneath his fingertips, gasping for air as his chest tightened. His body was shaking beyond his control, the fear and adrenaline pumping through his veins. His mind desperately tried to assure him that all was well. “It’s a dream, just a dream,” he kept thinking. But even still, his mind raced as if he were in an emergency, his lungs so tight he felt strangled. There was a frantic rattling at the door that caught his attention, A rather fretful looking Marnie rushing to his side.
“Are you alright, what happened?!” she cried. Marnie had heard his panic through the door, her heart stricken with fear the moment it fell upon her ears. She placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, trying to gauge what on Earth could have gotten him so upset. But then she saw the look in his eye; that far-away and vacant look that could only mean one thing given the circumstances. Her face softened to a look of sympathy, a soft ‘aww’ escaping her, “Was it that dream again?”
“I-It was different this time,” Shane managed to choke out, “It was just me and Mö and we-” he was unable to finish his sentence, but Marnie seemed to get the picture. She moved her hand around to his other shoulder, holding him tight in a side hug in a feeble attempt to help him come back down to reality. She tried to remember the little exercises his therapist had recommended for moments like this, wracking her mind in an attempt to recall.
“Deep breaths, alright?” she instructed, “In and out…”
Shane nodded frantically, trying his best to get his breathing under control, feeling his chest slowly loosen up with each deep breath. His shaking came to a pause, his mind seemingly more clear. He leaned into Marnie’s embrace, his body less tense and stiff.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered, dragging his hand down his face in frustration, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I was so excited for this before, but now that the day’s actually here I just-… Is this normal?”
Marnie nodded solemnly, “You’ll think you’re doing just fine one day, and the next you feel like you’re back to square one... I know how that feels,” she pursed her lips, thinking for just a moment, “Shane, why don't you just tell Möhle you don’t want to go anymore, I’m sure they’ll understand,”
“No,” Shane objected harshly, a cross, determined look on his face, “I-I need to be able to do this… And they’ve been lookin’ forward to this, you know how upset they get when plans change last minute,”
“Shane…”
“No.” he reiterated in a firm voice, “I want to be able to do this. I need to,”
Marnie reluctantly nodded in agreement, trying her best to accept her nephew's decision. She was happy to see him try to broaden his comfort zone again, but seeing that fear in his eyes was so heartbreaking. It reminded her of the look he gave her that night when she had to tell him what happened to his friends. She could hardly stand it. And the last thing he needed was to force himself to do something that was already having such an effect on him. Shane didn’t see it that way, however. He made a commitment, he made a promise, and he was going to keep it.
“If you truly insist…” Marnie muttered, “Möhle’s here now , you know. They’re out in the barn with Jas,”
“This early? The game doesn’t start ‘till 3,”
“It’s past lunchtime, schatz,”
Shane quickly turned to the alarm clock on his nightstand, seeing it was indeed long past 12. His heart sunk to his stomach, a new form of panic filling him. There were mere precious hours from now until the start of the game, and there was still a long drive ahead of him. He shot up from his spot in bed, cursing under his breath as he ripped open his dresser drawer with such gusto he nearly ripped it off the tracks. Grabbing his favorite jersey and a pair of shorts, he darted to the bathroom, dressing himself in record time. He looked in the mirror and winced at the sight. He felt that he looked like shit, and that maybe freshening up wasn’t a bad idea, but he did not have the time to consider it. Oh well. Möhle had seen him in far worse states. Surely they wouldn’t care.
He swung the door back open, finding Marnie standing right at the doorway, blocking him from exiting. She still looked deeply concerned, her face etched in worry, “Shane, are you sure it’s a good idea to drive down there?”
“ Yes, ma… I’ll be fine,” Shane huffed, almost annoyed at Marnie’s insistence.
“... You know I’m just looking out for you, right?” she asked, “It’s honorable to keep a promise, and I’m happy you’re making an effort to get yourself out there, but you have to look out for yourself… I know how hard this is for you,”
Shane’s expression softened, a sigh passing through his lips, “I know… But I can handle myself. I’ve been learning how to deal with this, I think I can do it,”
“Just-” Marnie pursed her lips, giving him a sad, knowing look, “... Just have fun, sweetheart,”
“I will,” a shadow of a smile tugged at Shane’s mouth. He passed Marnie by and headed to the little kitchen entrance leading to the barn, hearing delighted chatter from behind the wooden door. Cracking it open ever-so slightly, he looked in to see Jas and Möhle sitting upon the mounds of fresh straw inside, surrounded by the new flock of hens that were his absolute pride and joy. Brilliant blue and curly feathers covered their frames, almost iridescent when the sun hit them just right. He had taken absolute pride in them, feeling excited to see Möhle finally look upon months of his hard work. That smile on their face and the way they looked upon the hens gave him a sense of accomplishment and pride. Of all the others in town, he knew they’d be one of the most excited to see them, after all. And he couldn’t deny he was excited to see them too… and perhaps relieved. Seeing them sitting there cemented the fact that they were safe . What he had seen was merely a night terror, unreflective of their reality. Möhle was in one piece, alive and well, smiling brightly. The fear in his heart began to fade upon that observation, replaced with relief.
Shane continued to stand still in the doorway, not wanting to interrupt the duo… or rather, interrupt Jas as she bombarded the farmer with questions. “What do you do on your farm?”, “Do you like chickens?”, “Do you think fairies are real?”, just to name a few. It tempted Shane to step in and tell her to settle down, knowing full well that some people in town didn’t seem to have patience for someone with such an inquisitive spirit. But Möhle seemed to be the exception, answering each and every little question with a smile on their face. They were the inquisitive sort themself, after all. Jas reminded them of their younger self in a way; a happy, energetic child with a hunger for knowledge and connection. It made them want to nurture that curious soul, give all the answers they could to satiate her. However, Jas would have one question they just didn’t know how to answer.
“Do you like Papa Shane?”
“Well…” Möhle shrugged and smiled, “Of course I do, he’s my friend,”
“No, no,” Jas shook her head, “I mean ‘like’ like…”
It took Mohle a moment to full understand what she meant. They quickly felt their face grow hot, an awkward smile slipping onto their face, “Oh, I-... Why do you ask?”
Jas shrugged and turned her attention back to the hen cuddled up on her lap, gently petting it atop it’s head, “Well… you look at him like how missus Jodi looks at mister Kent, and they’re super in love,” she explained, “Does that mean you’re gonna get married?”
“Jasmyne Rose!” Shane finally interrupted, making the duo inside the barn jump at the intrusion. His face was just as pink as Möhle’s, if not even moreso. Jas yelped and set down the hen, scrambling out of the barn as fast as her little feet would take her, giggling away as she ran. Shane and Möhle were left on their lonesome, an awkward tension sitting in the air. Möhle forced an awkward smile as they looked up at him, “Kids, huh?”
“I’m so sorry, she-” Shane huffed, pinching his nose between his index finger and thumb, “She reads too many of those fairytale books, gets some crazy ideas,”
Möhle wanted to blurt out that it wasn’t crazy at all. Jas had been entirely correct, in fact. But they wouldn’t dare divulge that secret to Shane, not in a hundred years. Their friendship was so important to Möhle, how could they jeopardize it by telling him that they in fact did like him in that way? As much as it broke their heart to do so, they nodded in agreement.
The smile on their face dropped when they noticed the absolute disheveled state Shane was in. His hair was still tangled and messy, eyes red and raw, cheeks shining from tears. They hadn't seen him look this miserable in so long. It worried them deeply, even though Shane had told them that there would be times like this, days where he'd stumble and find himself stuck in the throes of depression. But it didn't make it any easier to watch him go through it. They desperately wished it were possible to just snap their fingers and make it all better. But that wasn’t possible, there was no magical cure to fix one's problems like that. The best they could do was be present in his life, be someone who would listen.
Shane seemed to notice them scanning him up and down, embarrassment clouding his mind, “Don’t worry about me, Mö, I’m fine ,”
“Are you sure?” they questioned, “You seem kind of shaken up…”
“I’ll be fine, honest,” Shane insisted. He scrubbed the back of his hand along his cheeks, drying them of his tears, “Sorry I didn’t greet you at the door, though. Slept in too long… again,”
He suddenly remembered the severe time crunch they were under. Shit. He motioned his head towards the barn entrance, “Gettin’ kind of late though… You wanna head out?”
“Yeah!” Möhle exclaimed just a bit too loudly, though they didn’t seem to notice. They motioned down at their outfit, a simple bright green crewneck and jeans, “Got all dressed up in the team colors too!... Jeans count as blue, right?”
“Sure, heh,” Shane mused. He held up a small ring of keys, a quiet jingle accompanying the motion, “I’ll go get my car, I’ll be back quick,”
Möhle nodded in acknowledgement, turning their attention back to the little blue hens around them, marveling at Shane’s accomplishment. As much as he put down his intelligence, Möhle knew one had to be smart to be able to create something like this. In many ways, Shane was much better than he gave himself credit for. They could only wish he saw it too.
“Möhle? Can I have a moment?”
They turned their attention to the door leading inside the house, finding Marnie standing there. She looked rather serious, worried even. Möhle frowned, their suspicion that something was off finally being confirmed, “What’s going on?”
“It’s Shane… ” Marnie started, “I hate to ask it of you, but could you keep an eye on him tonight? I know he won’t admit it, but he’s struggling, and you know how much I worry…”
“... I know,” Möhle stood from their spot, meeting her at the door, “And I will, promise,”
A wave of relief washed over Marnie, a tired smile accompanying it, “Thank you… I’m so glad you’re the one going with him tonight,”
Möhle wanted to pry and ask what was going on, though they knew well it would be quite rude of them to do so. But all of this secrecy and strange behavior was getting to them. What on Earth was happening in this household today? They didn’t have long to dwell on it before the roar of a car engine echoed through the barn, a signal for Möhle to get going. They gave Marnie a quick little wave ‘goodbye’ before striding towards Shane’s old car, hopping into the passenger's seat with some eagerness in their heart. Even with all the strange happenings, they didn’t want to let it get them down. They were going to their first live Tunnelers game with their best friend in the world, after all! How could they not be excited?
Shane, on the other hand, wished more than anything for even a sliver of that excitement and joy. With his hands gripping tight on that steering wheel, all he could think of was that damned dream. Everything around him was a blur, his anxiety making him numb with fear. All he had to do was turn that damn key in the ignition and get going, it was so simple. But he was frozen, unable to move, unable to do anything other than silently panic in his seat.
“Shane…. Shane? What’s wrong?”
Möhle leaned forward in their seat, looking quite worried. There was no answer from their friend, and that only worried them more. They sighed and turned down the music blasting on the radio, speaking once again, “Do you need to talk about something?”
Shane cleared his throat and shook his head, finally dragging his hand to the key and turning it, stepping onto the pedal, “It’s fine. Don’t worry,” he murmured unconvincingly.
Möhle knew it was a lie, but they feared to press any further. They just resigned into themself, staring out the window at the scenery of the valley disappeared behind them. The ride down was mostly silent besides the music on the radio, leaving Möhle to feel incredibly tense and awkward. The silence, the look on Shane’s face, his behavior- it worried them deeply. Something was terribly wrong, and they wanted, rather needed, to know what that was. But Shane refused to open up, donning that prickly exterior once more, the same one that Möhle saw the first day they’d come back. He was struggling, and once again, decided to go it alone when they wished he would just be honest.
The pair finally made it into the city, and Möhle could tell whatever was wrong was only getting worse. While they took joy in seeing fans mingle at the shops and restaurants on Main Street, and looked forward to finally reaching that stadium at the end of the road, Shane looked entirely worse for wear. He couldn’t take joy in seeing fellow fans laugh amongst themselves and celebrate. He couldn’t find it in his heart to be excited. All he could think about was how this was just like that night. Every detail reminded him of it, every car he passed made him feel faint. But he had to do this. He had to be able to prove that he could handle this… didn’t he? He just gripped the steering wheel tighter, his knuckles turning white from pressure as he made his way down the street, trying to ignore the voice in his head that was screaming at him.
“You’re okay. Everything’s fine .” he reminded himself, “It’s going to be a great night,” Those little thoughts and affirmations did little to help him. His heart continued to beat fast, his breath hitched and shallow. Every inch that he grew closer to that stadium it just grew worse. Shane’s brain felt like it was on fire. He kept replaying the nightmare in his mind to the point he swore he could see the headlights now. This was a mistake. He shouldn’t be here, he should’ve sold those tickets, never invite Möhle, spend the evening at home with his family. Why didn’t he do that? Why did he think he could do this? All he could do was sit there, staring at his steering wheel, unable to look up towards that stadium that sat oh so close to them. His thoughts began to spiral, his vision clouding from tears. Oh, how he felt like such a child for feeling this way. He should be better now… right? Why wasn’t he better?
“Shane, please just tell me what’s going on,” Möhle finally pleaded, unable to keep their thoughts to themself any longer. With that, something within him snapped. Shane wasn’t sure why, but those eight little words tipped him right over the edge. He just couldn’t do this. With little warning he swerved onto a side road, earning a surprised yelp from his friend in the process. Möhle grabbed onto the armrest of their seat, looking at Shane in utter concern and confusion. He looked so panicked, his eyes scanning for a clearing to pull into. The moment he was able to come to a safe stop, he parked the car and stumbled out, hunching over in the grass to vomit. Möhle quickly scrambled from their seat to meet him by his side, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder as he took heavy breaths, unable to stop himself from crying any longer.
“I can’t go,” he muttered, “I won’t ,”
“... What?” Möhle blinked slowly, confusion rolling onto their face. Shane wasn’t making any sense, none at all, “Why not?”
“It’s too-” Shane huffed, a frustration evident in his crackling voice. He sat down in the grass holding his head in his hands. Möhle sat beside him, listening intently as he explained further, “It’s too real… I haven’t been to the stadium or a live game in years… Not since… you know,”
He looked to Möhle, finding them still looking confused as ever, unable to make heads or tails of whatever he was talking about. Shane furrowed his brow, lifting his head up to see them more clearly, “I thought my aunt told you about what happened? To Jas’ parents?”
“She just told me they passed, nothing else,” they explained, “What happened?”
Shane took a moment to compose himself, taking in a shaky breath before he spoke, “We were all at a game for my birthday. It was going great, we won… But on the way home we got in a huge accident,” he let out a warbling sigh, too upset to be reminiscing on it all once again, “They didn’t make it,”
The scene fell silent at the revelation. The only sounds were from the occasional car whizzing past and the rustling of leaves in the trees. Möhle didn’t know how to respond, or if they even should. What could they even say that wouldn’t sound dismissive or ingenuine? They just stared on, slowly taking Shane’s hand and giving it a gentle squeeze, a small yet comforting move that told him “I’m here for you,”
“I had this stupid dream where you and I got in one too,” he lamented, “It felt so real. It still does… I was so scared of comin’ here, but you were really lookin’ forward to it so I just… went anyways,”
“I wish you had told me…we could’ve stayed home,” Möhle sighed, “I wouldn’t have minded watching it on tv, especially when this is going on,”
“But the tickets were so expensive too, and-”
“Fuck the tickets!” Möhle blurted out. Shane was taken aback by the statement, staring at them in utter shock. Möhle cleared their throat and softened their tone once again, “Shane, that doesn’t matter right now . What matters is that you feel safe… You know I care about that. I wouldn’t have been mad if you told me,”
“I know, but-” Shane huffed in annoyance toward himself, “You were lookin’ forward to a fun day out and I fuckin’ ruined it with my bullshit again,”
“You didn’t ruin it-”
“Like hell I didn’t!” he pulled his hand away from theirs, facing away from them in shame, “We should be sittin’ in the stadium right now, you should be enjoyin’ your night, and we can’t because of my stupid brain!”
He slammed his fist to his forehead in frustration, gritting his teeth so hard he feared they’d shatter. Shane looked to be on the verge of tears, his face flushed in embarrassment. He felt like a little kid causing a scene in public, far too embarrassed to be acting in such a way in front of a dear friend. He figured they must be feeling at least a little judgemental of him. He would if he were in their shoes. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. They didn’t see someone to be mocked or judged. They saw their friend , someone who just needed some extra help and a shoulder to lean on. Möhle just wished he could see that too.
“I try so hard. I’ve been going to therapy, doin’ all the work I need to do. And all for what? For this? To not be able to go into the fuckin’ stadium even after seven years?” he turned back to Möhle, “It makes me feel so weak… What kind of person am I if I still can’t move on?!”
Möhle pursed their lips for a moment, mulling over what to say that would resonate with him. They went to entwine their hand with his again, their grasp as light and soft as could be. They gave him a weak smile, one masking a pain of their own, “You’re the same kind of person as me,”
Something in Shane’s mind clicked after that. Of course they understood him. How could they not? Möhle had been through much hardship and loss in their life, just as he had.The pair of them had suffered greatly from loss, mistreatment, and the general horrors of life. The world had taken hold of them and crushed their spirits, warping their minds and souls into pathetic facsimiles of what they once were. While their circumstances were different in many ways, the sorrow they felt was all the same; the sorrow that came from living in such a cruel and messed up world.
“We don’t have to go if you don’t want to,” Möhle offered, “We can do something else and leave before things get busy… or we can go home. Your choice,”
“... You really wouldn’t mind?” Shane asked, scanning their face to ensure they were being honest. He couldn’t find even a trace of deceit in their expression, their eyes certain and confident.
“It’s up to you,” they reiterated, “Whatever you choose, whatever you need… I’ll be just fine either way,”
Shane looked up towards the direction of the stadium, seeing its walls peek just slightly over the tops of trees and buildings. The game had begun, the cheers from fans inside carrying over the wind. He wished he could just muster the courage to be there with them. He wished that things were normal again, that he could enjoy his favorite team in the world without these awful memories attached. He wished his mind would just accept everything already and let him move on to the future. But just as everyone told him it would, these things took time. He couldn’t expect everything to be resolved already, as much as he wanted it to be. He had only been in therapy for a few months now, after all. Perhaps it was too soon to try and go to a game again. Perhaps it would be better to go home after all.
He wiped the tears away from his eyes with his thumb, finally turning back to face Möhle, “What do you think? Only fair for you to have a say,”
Möhle thought for a moment, a soft smile drawing onto their face, “There’s a really good pizza place I used to go to after work when I had a bad day, it’s a good ‘pick-me-up’,” they mused, “I think they should be just down the road… You up for that?”
“... Yeah. I think that sounds good,”
Möhle stood from their spot, taking Shane’s hand to pull him up alongside them. They looked at him for just a moment before pulling him into a tight hug. They were silent as could be, though Shane knew exactly what they were trying to say. Everything was okay. They understood, and they were willing to meet him halfway when he needed it. He felt like the luckiest man on Earth to have them as a friend. The pair walked hand in hand to the little restaurant Möhle had mentioned. It was a typical little hole in the wall with very little seating and minimal decor, but as long as the food was good, Shane didn’t care much about the aesthetics. He just wanted to get his mind off of things, and perhaps a calm dinner would be just what helped.
The two of them sat across from each other as they ate, engrossed in conversation. It started off slow and stilted, a gloom still permeating the air. But it slowly bloomed into something more, something much happier. Shane was taking much pride in getting Möhle to laugh, finding himself grinning ear to ear whenever he heard that wonderful sound. It made him nearly forget all about what had happened earlier, the nightmare slowly beginning to slip from his mind. All that mattered in the moment was that he was enjoying a nice dinner and show with a dear friend, one who gave him the grace and patience he never expected.
He grabbed another slice of pizza, taking a decent bite out of it before speaking, “Hey, I’ve been meanin’ to say…”
Möhle turned their attention to him, looking at Shane curiously, “Yeah?”
“Thank you,” he started, “For sticking with me through all of this… My anxiety, and depression, you know…” he trailed off for a moment, giving them the most adoring look, “You’ve been a really good friend to me,”
Möhle smiled softly, their eyes scrunching at the corners, “That means a lot… more than you know,”
“And I’ll make this up to you, I promise,” Shane insisted, “Anythin’ you want, just let me-”
“Shane.” Möhle interrupted, giving him an almost stern look, “It’s okay. I promise it is,”
They folded their arms on the table, leaning in closer to him, “I’m spending the night in the city at one of my favorite restaurants with one of my best friends. It’s not what we planned, and… I won’t lie, I am disappointed-” they admitted, “But I’m still enjoying myself. This is still a good night,”
“.... Honest?” Shane asked sheepishly. Möhle gave him a confident smile and nod, “Honest.”
Shane exhaled softly, a weak smile on his face. Their words didn’t do much to ease the guilt he felt, but he took some relief in the fact they were having a good time, even after such a rough start to the night. He was happy to be there with them, to have such an honest person as a friend. How lucky it was in his eyes.
He placed down a stack of cash on the table, enough to cover the dinner and a tip, signalling a close to the dinner. Möhle looked down to the stack and back at Shane, raising a brow, “So… Home then?”
“Actually… can we make a stop first?” he asked, a sheepishness in his voice, “There’s something I need to do,”
Möhle nodded, giving him a softened, empathetic smile, “Of course,”
As the pair walked out from the shop onto Main Street, Shane held out his hand for Möhle to take, leading them down one of the prettier side streets to somewhere they didn’t recognize. Their mental map of the city was slowly fading now that they lived in the valley, leaving them curious the entire walk. Perhaps Shane needed to go somewhere fun, a little pick-me-up after such a difficult day. Perhaps it was an errand, thus the ‘need’ to do it. But soon enough, Shane came to a stop, and they came to realize that none of their thoughts had been even close to reality. Möhle looked up to see they stopped just in front of the gates leading to the city’s cemetery, their wrought iron gates opened inward, beckoning them forward.
“... I need to make a visit, if that’s okay,” Shane mumbled, his voice a near whisper. He seemed almost apologetic, an awful feeling in his heart. Even though Möhle had insisted this was fine, that the change of plans didn’t bother them, he couldn’t help but feel so guilty. He took a deep breath in and out before walking up to the front gates. Möhle stood by his side, silent and solemn as could be. They still kept a hold of his hand, waiting patiently for Shane to take the first steps down the old paths he remembered so well. He needed no map or guide to get through the rows of headstones. In fact, Shane could navigate that cemetery with his eyes closed at this point. He knew exactly where his friends lay, just a few more rows down right atop the hill.
“I used to come here every week, Jas too,” he explained, “Now that we’re so far away, I haven’t been able to come here much, and-”
He stopped in front of a pair of familiar headstones, motioning down to the names with a sigh, “- I’ve really missed them, you know?”
Möhle looked at the faded photo plaque sitting in the middle of the stones, barely able to make out the faces of the couple pictured in it. They could see that Jas looked just like her mother, though. And just from his smile alone they could see similarities between Shane and Jason. As they gazed upon the photo, Shane was cleaning up the stones, brushing off leaves and dirt that had accumulated over the past year. He regretted that he hadn’t visited more often, silently promising himself that he would remedy that.
“I wish you were able to meet them,” Shane sighed, “You would’ve loved Ams, I know it,”
“What were they like?” Möhle asked, eyes still trained on the plaque.
“... Amazing,” Shane breathed out. He reminisced back to the day he met the two of them, that first day of college that seemed so far away in his memories now. He had been so nervous, feeling so different and out of place in this new city with all new people. It was his first time away from home, leaving behind a quaint little village for a bustling city. He had no clue what would happen, what friends he would make, if any at all. Everything seemed so scary and uncertain. But then he met Jason and Amelia, and everything felt… right. They were so kind and genuine, the best people Shane had ever known in his life. He longed to have them by his side now, to be able to introduce them to Möhle. But all he had were his memories now, memories he clung to tighter than anything.
“Jason was so damn funny … kindest guy I ever knew, too,” Shane recounted, “He saw beauty in everyone and everything. I think he just loved life. Amelia was great too. So talented and smart… she would’ve loved talkin’ about plants and animals with you. Jason would keep trying to make you laugh… They would’ve loved you too,”
He looked back to that old plaque, regretting how worn and washed away it had become. All that was fully intact were their eyes, a glimpse back to the time when they glimmered with life, back to when they looked at him with love. Shane would give anything to see them look at him like that again. He placed a hand at the base of the plaque, sighing softly.
“Everything’s been so wrong since they died. It’s been hard too. I wasn’t prepared for a kid, I kind of was one. I was so stupid and immature… and it made things even harder,” he paused for a moment, deciding if he wanted to speak any further on it. He figured he should tell Möhle. It would’ve been nice to be able to open up more about his story after all, and who better than them? And besides, they had opened up to him about their life too. He took a deep sigh before continuing on in his reminiscing.
“I’m in… so much debt. Before I moved back home I had a shitty job with shittier pay. My paychecks barely covered rent for me ‘n Jas, even in a shitty studio apartment. It got so bad I had to start stealin’ food so she could eat. Almost got arrested for it actually. Then I got evicted and came back to the valley with nothin’ to show for myself.” he huffed quietly, looking down at the grass in front of him, “I spent so much time fallin’ flat on my face ‘n being scared of… everything. I just was hopin’ that tonight I’d be able to move past it and go to that game. I hate that I can’t,”
“One day you will.” Möhle assured, “You’ll be able to come down here and go to a game, and you’ll have so much fun. It might not be today, but you’ll get there,”
“It’s just so frustrating. This is takin’ so much time, it makes it feel like it’s not even worth it,” Shane grumbled.
“The time will pass anyways… Shouldn’t you make the best of it?” Möhle asked.
“... I guess so,” Shane sighed, “Thank you, by the way. For all of this. For being here with me, for putting up with all my shit... I know I’ve got to be a difficult person to be friends with,”
“Well it’s a good thing that I like a challenge then, huh?” Möhle joked.
Shane let out a short laugh and shook his head, that signature smirk finally appearing on his face, “I guess so,”
He looked down at their entwined hands, rubbing his thumb across the top of their hand affectionately. There was so much he wanted to say, so much that was on his mind. As of late, Shane had noticed that his feelings toward Möhle were shifting. At first he just thought it was because he was finally seeing life in a new light. But now, after all that happened today, he thought that it might be something more. He could never admit it to them, but… he thought he might love them. He loved how understanding they were of him, how they didn’t judge him on his bad days, how they celebrated his good ones. He felt safe and happy with Möhle, more than he felt with anyone else. He wished he were better with words so he could express it to them. Perhaps one day he could. Maybe one day all would be well. He could take them to a proper game and confess to them, finally able to move on and have the life he wanted. He wished he could just say it now. But all he could muster was one simple sentence:
“Let’s go home,”
Night had fallen by the time they reached the valley. Crickets chirped in the bushes, fireflies twinkled as they flew by, lanterns were lit outside of homes. Shane and Möhle stood out front of the ranch, saying their final goodbyes and goodnights to each other before they went their separate ways for the night…. Rather, they were trying to. The pair had been standing there for nearly half an hour now, chatting the night away. Neither of them really wanted it to be over just yet, even as the world gave them an abundance of cues to turn in for the night.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, right?” Möhle finally asked.
“You know where to find me,” Shane beamed, “Have a good night, Mö,”
“You too,” they grinned. They slowly pulled their hand from his, finding it rather difficult to let him go. Part of them wanted to ask him to come home with them and spend the night at the farmhouse. The other knew he had responsibilities to attend to once morning came, squashing their desire. Reluctantly they turned away, giving him one last wave before disappearing into the night, leaving Shane on his lonesome out front of the ranch’s door. As he stood there beneath the glow of the porch’s lantern, Shane felt he finally understood his feelings towards them. No longer was he confused or naive towards it, nor was he trying to repress it.
He was utterly, hopelessly in love with them. And oh, how scary it was to know it.
"Moving Forward Spiraling Downward Chapter 21- A Shoulder to Lean On"
Woah this one's gonna be a fairly farmer centric chapter. Felt it was time to let the readers know a bit more about them, especially given what I have planned for the next few chapters. Very happy to show you all what's coming in ch23 especially.
CW's in this chapter (there's a few)- Mentions of ableism and transphobia in the past, as well as mentions of harrassment and bullying in the past
Summary: As Winter Star rolls back around, the town seems to be thriving, basking in the completion of the Community Center and the strengthening of the town spirit. However, one villager seems to be struggling, and it's not Shane, rather a certain farmer. Shane finds himself being the shoulder to lean on for a change, learning more about their past, their struggles, and what has led them to this very moment.
AO3 Version Here
Tumblr Version below the cut
For the first time in decades, the Community Center was full of light and warmth for Winter Star. The once dark and dismal place was now decorated brightly, lights hung around its exterior, the rooms inside dressed in ribbons and bows. Sparkly garlands hung over the windows, wreaths upon every door. An enormous tree stood tall in the middle of the room, decorated lovingly by each and every member of the community. Soft music and the crackling of the fireplace wafted through the halls, the sounds of laughter and conversation carried over the air as the town celebrated. It was beautiful, it was perfect.
In previous celebrations, Shane found himself being quite the wallflower. One would find him holed away in the corner, shrunken into himself, avoiding the gaze of anyone who so much as walked past him. This year however, he was determined to be different, to get himself out there. He was still no life of the party, though honestly, no one could out-do or even match someone like Emily in that regard. But he was happier, chattier. He was actually enjoying himself. He hadn’t been able to say that for so long. There was still an undeniable air of sadness about him on many days, that was for sure. Depression didn’t just disappear overnight, or fully go away. But for once, he allowed his family and friends to help him, to support him through it, and that gave him the peace he needed to get through the day. And today, he was thriving.
Sitting at a festively decorated table, half-drunk coffee in hand, Shane watched on as Jas and Vincent played near the tree. The pair were showing off their presents to each other with so much glee in their hearts and on their faces, whispering about how excited they were for Santa to come this week. It made him happy to see them so happy, especially Jas. After all that had happened this year, all the strife and struggle, it was relieving that she could still find joy in the simplest little things. It gave him peace, and made him think that perhaps he was doing this right, that all this work towards improvement was worth it. Perhaps he was a good guardian, a good father, even. What a wonderful feeling it was to have.
“Shaaaane! There you are~!” a familiar sing-song voice chirped out, growing closer to him with each passing second. He looked to his side to see Emily flouncing her way over to the table, throwing herself into the chair next to him with such gusto it nearly tipped onto its side. She was bursting with energy as always, her big pink eyes sparkling bright, her smile stretched as far as it could go. As always, she was such a ray of sunshine. Even in the dead of Winter she could light up a room, her bright smile and cheery disposition entirely contagious.
“Sooooo what did you get this year?” she asked, awaiting his answer with glee. Shane simply shrugged in response, taking a quick swig from his glass, “Dunno, my gifter hasn’t shown up yet. Just waitin fo- what are you doing.”
Emily had leaned her head in so close she was just mere centimeters away from his face, staring at him intensely. Shane could feel himself grow the slightest bit nervous, leaning further back in his chair as she grew closer. What the hell was she doing? Without warning, her hands clasped his shoulders, her soft fingers squeezing tight. Shane was utterly, hopelessly confused, “What… are you doing, Em?” he repeated.
“Oh! Sorry, it’s just-” Emily mused wistfully, staring at him with the softest smile, “There’s something about your aura,”
“My aura?”
“Mm-hm!” Emily confirmed. She looked deep into his eyes, seeing them shining like the brightest emeralds, full of life and joy, “It used to be so sad, so gray and cold… but now there’s so many pinks and yellows, like a beautiful sunset!”
As always, Shane had no idea what the hell Emily was talking about. But he supposed an aura of pinks and yellows was a good thing. Emily sure was acting that way, and those were supposed to be ‘happy’ colors, right? He forced a sheepish smile onto his face in response, “Heh… thanks, I guess?”
“Of course!” she chirped, “I’m just… really happy to see you happy. I’m happy you’re here, with all of us,”
She motioned out towards the crowd in the Community Center, to all of their friends and family chatting the night away happily. Marnie and Pam were huddled over by the tree with all the older ladies, likely gossipping as their little group loved to do. Couples huddled together like lovebirds, talking the night away and laughing so loud their voices echoed off the walls. The families seemed to be enjoying themselves as well, most of all the Neilsons. Shane could see Sam standing with his family, happier than he had ever seen him now that the kid's father had returned. Kent had surprised them all with an early return from deployment just in time for the holidays, a wonderful surprise that brought much joy to the small community. Shane noted with amusement that Sam looked just like the man too, just much younger, much happier and carefree.
Each and every person was enraptured with joy, embodying the spirit of Winter Star and all it stood for. Shane felt like he could see it clearly now for the first time. For so long his mind had been clouded with anger and sadness, keeping him from seeing all the good around him. But now, with time and effort, he was finally able to see it. He was finally able to see the good in his community, to actually be a part of it. It made him feel warm, lighter than he had felt in his entire adult life. In his heart he felt like a young boy again, unburdened by the horrors of life and tragedy. He felt free.
“All of this… I didn’t think I’d see the town like this again,” Emily muttered,leaning her head on her friend's shoulder, “I missed it…”
“Yeah…” Shane agreed, “So did I,”
He was broken from his thoughts by the loud sound of someone clearing their throat, obviously trying to get his attention. Whipping his head around, he felt his face grow white at the sight of Elliott standing just behind him, looking down at him with an expression he just couldn’t make heads or tails of. It was so static, so flat and morose. Not miserable, but not exactly excited to see him either. Their last interaction hadn’t gone quite well either, leading a worrying pang to stab at his heart.
Elliott either didn’t notice his worry or didn’t care, completely ignoring the look on Shane’s face as he outstretched a hand, holding out a thin, festive envelope for him to grab. He frowned, squinting at the envelope and then back up at Elliott, “Is this…?”
“Your Winter Star present,” Elliott stated ever so matter-of-factly, “It seems fate destined that I would be your gifter this year,”
Shane nodded slowly, anxiously plucking the envelope from his hands. He knew well that Elliott didn’t like him, not that he couldn’t entirely blame the man. Shane knew he’d earned that anger, as much as he wished he could make amends already. But Elliott didn’t seem very interested in amends just yet, or even talking for that matter. It made Shane worry about what would be inside the envelope. It could be something awful, something loathsome. His mind raced with every possibility as he slowly ripped it open, his mind drawing a blank when he saw what was truly inside- two shiny front row tickets for a Tunnelers game in the upcoming season. His eyes grew wide, an excitement rising within him.
“This is… holy shit…” he breathed out, almost in disbelief. Elliott curtly nodded in response, his face still staying firm, “It was Möhle’s idea. They helped me get them, you know,”
“Thank you, this is-... damn,” Shane muttered, rubbing the glossy paper beneath his fingertips. These had to be pricey, even the worst seats in that stadium were enough to throw someone into debt. He could hardly believe his luck, feeling like he’d wake up from a crazy dream any moment. It was such a kind gesture from Elliott, and so thoughtful of Möhle to even consider such a present. He looked back up and swiveled his head to scan the room, frowning at a realization, “Speakin’ of… where are they?”
“Ah…” Elliott mused, his tone pitiful, “Home, I believe. They didn’t want to come,”
“Poor thing…” Emily frowned, “Is everything okay? I thought they loved Winter Star,”
Elliott took a seat beside them, drumming his fingertips on the table as he spoke, “Holiday’s have been… difficult for them as of late. It’s not my story to tell, but they have been struggling…”
“Do you think they’ll still show up? Even for a bit?” Shane questioned, a glum tone to his voice. He looked at the messily wrapped gift sitting by his placemat, the one specifically for Möhle. He’d been assigned as their gifter this year, and he had tried to make his gift especially special. It had taken weeks of work to complete, and much collaboration, a complete labor of love. He’d been so excited to see them and finally hand it over, feeling giddy over the idea all morning. But now, he could feel his heart sink, a disappointment clouding his mind.
“I don’t believe so, no. This situation, it’s…” Elliott paused for a moment. He looked past Shane to Emily, giving her a look that told her he needed to speak to the man alone. Nodding in silent understanding, Emily left her spot, leaving the pair on their lonesome. Elliott pursed his lips for a moment as he ruminated on the conversation, finding the right words he wanted to say.
“I’ve tried to help them, but I don’t think it’s getting through. They seem so angry,” he explained, “And I was thinking, perhaps they needed someone else to talk to,”
“Like… me?”
“Precisely. I don’t know what it is about you, Shane, but Möhle likes you… very much. I’ve heard your name so many times in the past month it doesn’t even feel like a word anymore.” he scoffed, throwing a hand up for emphasis, “If I can’t help them, I think you might be just the thing they need.”
“Are you sure? I don’t know if they’re still mad at me about… you know what I mean,” Shane couldn’t bring himself to say the words, but the point got across all the same. Elliott sighed, almost in disappointment, “Trust me, they aren’t. You know they’re a forgiving soul. I don’t think they could ever stay angry at you for long,”
That much was true. Möhle could find it in their heart to forgive most who wronged them. It took time, as all things did, but the farmer just didn’t love to hold a grudge. It was easier to love than to be angry in their eyes. Shane admired that about them, wished he could be the same way. But if something was making them this angry to the point they couldn’t enjoy one of their favorite events, something had to be terribly wrong, and he had a morbid curiosity to know what it was.
He picked up the gift and held it tight in his hands, looking back to the man in front of him with confidence in his expression, “I’ll go talk to them… And thanks again, this was really-... it was nice,”
“Thanks…” Shane mumbled. It wasn’t the best of compliments, but he thought it might be the best he’d get from Elliott, at least for now. Maybe there was a chance at the two of them finally getting along after all. But that wasn’t what was important right now. What was important was getting this gift to his dear friend, and finding out what on Earth made them miss an event they loved so dearly.
“Don’t mention it,” Elliott sighed, allowing himself the privilege of the slightest smile, “And Shane… I know I must have come across harsh lately, and I do apologize if I've gone too far. What happened all those months ago... it terrified me. Möhle is one of my best friends, and one of the only people in our family who even talks to me. I was so angry at you over the... accident. But I know now that you’re important to them. I don’t believe I understand it, but I try to trust their judgement… Perhaps you’re not as bad as I first believed,”
As he made his way towards the farm, he remembered the last Winter Star they shared, just before Möhle had left town. It was the last year the community center was opened too, the building falling into disrepair just the next Summer. But that last celebration was something special. Shane thought it may have been one of the happiest years of his life, and the last time he truly saw that old version of Möhle. They were such a different person all that time ago. They were bursting with that unending energy, that grin with the little gap between their teeth, their boundless joy… He hadn’t seen it in so long, not even now that they were back home. Now that he thought about it, he realized just how much he missed their joy, how much he missed them.
He had wondered for the longest time what had made them change the way they did. Just like him, they were entirely different from their happier, younger self now. Möhle had once told him “The city changes you”, and he couldn’t agree more. The city indeed changed the both of them, molded the pair into nearly unrecognizable shells of their former selves. Something had happened to crush their souls, warp them into entirely new people. Was this why they refused to show up to Winter Star? Had something happened? His curiosity grew morbid as he got closer to the farmhouse, trudging through the icy winds and deep snow to the farmers front door. Giving it a harsh and solid knock, he took a step back to wait ever-so impatiently.
“Yoba-damnit can they get to the door already?!” Shane thought to himself. He was practically frozen solid now, shivering from the barrage of wind on his face and the snow melting into his clothes. Why the hell did Winter have to get so harsh here? Why couldn’t Pelican town be somewhere warmer, somewhere without this freezing cold hell? He grumbled to himself about the frigidness of the valley, so far off in his own rant he hadn’t realized the door was already open.
“What are you doing here, Shane?”
He shot his head up to see Möhle in the doorway, leaning against it with the most pitiful, dull look on their face. They had been dressed for the celebration as if they had planned to go to the community center, but just… didn’t. The fancy festive sweater they wore suddenly seemed much sadder, matching the gloom upon their face. Their eyes were drooped, long eyelashes hooding those sad, glossy pupils. Red curls hung in front of their face, casting a shadow over their sullen features. They looked miserable, more miserable than Shane had ever seen them in his life.
He held up their present, trying his best to speak through his chattering teeth, “I have somethin’ for you,” he breathed out, watching a cloud puff in the air as he spoke. Möhle sighed and reached for his arm, pulling him up into the house with ease, “Yoba, you’re going to freeze to death, come on.”
Stepping through the door, Shane could immediately feel the warmth envelope him like the coziest blanket, his numb, frozen limbs defrosting in mere moments thanks to the roaring fireplace. This was nice, it felt cozy and safe. Möhle shook the snow from their boots as they hit the lights, allowing Shane to see the inside of the dim, dismal home much more clearly.
The room slowly grew brighter, revealing the grand interior of the old farmhouse. Shane had no idea someone could be a bigger fan of Winter Star than his aunt until now, but it seemed Möhle had her beat. Every inch of the house was covered in glistening decorations. Stars in the windows, candles on every surface, a tree hanging from the ceiling that was sparkling with the gaudiest ornaments; it was perhaps the most elaborate Winter Star setup he’d seen in his entire life. The only thing in the home not decorated beyond belief was the kitchen table. It was far more understated, bearing a simple red tablecloth and place-settings, a poinsettia centerpiece in the middle of it all. A wonderful smell wafted through the kitchen, cookers sitting on the counters with something Shane supposed was wonderful inside.
“Why aren't you at the Community Center? Everyone else is,” Möhle grumbled, flopping back into the green velvet sofa just by the fireplace. Shane shrugged in response, slowly striding to follow and sit beside them, “You weren't there… Are you okay?”
“... It's-” Möhle closed their eyes and exhaled deeply, “It's my mom. She's so-”
They cut themself off, obviously holding back a long, angry tangent that had been building for some time. Tears bit at the corners of their eyes, threatening to spill over, “She refuses to come here… it was like pullin’ teeth even gettin’ her to pick up the damn phone. And yet again, she cancels at the last second!” They huffed, twisting their face in frustration, “It’s been years since we last had a proper conversation… She finally promised to come and I got the whole house ready and then she just… didn’t show up.”
That didn't sound like her, not in the slightest. Beth had been a wonderful mother as far as Shane knew. He remembered back to his youth, back to a time that was far simpler for everyone. Möhle’s mother always had an air of sadness about her, but she was undeniably a good mother, one that tried her best to stay happy and dote on her family. She encouraged self expression, she was understanding, and most of all, loving. And Möhle loved her all the same. Shane couldn’t begin to imagine a world where the two of them weren’t on good terms, or why.
“What happened?” Shane held up a hand immediately, almost in defense, “If you’re comfortable sayin’...”
“A lot. When Grandpa died she just… changed,” Möhle grumbled, crossing their arms across their chest, “It’s like she’s not even all there. She hardly talks, she barely pays attention to me, or anyone, really… and then she acts like she can fix it with gifts,”
They motioned to a partially opened shipping box on the coffee table, a modest stack of store bought spiral journals sitting inside. There was no personalization, no wrapping paper or bows. Only the journals, nothing more. The gift seemed less genuine, less thoughtful than one would expect from a mother, especially theirs. Möhle especially thought so. It was once again another gift pitifully trying to take the place of the connection Möhle so desperately needed. They did love those gifts, cherished them even, but they needed their mother, not another set of journals. They wished she could see that.
“We had a falling out a few years ago, when I moved out,” Möhle explained, reminiscing back to a far worse time, “There was an argument about how she wasn’t there for me, about how it’s changed everything… But she didn’t want to hear it, so we just… stopped talking,”
They reminisced to that old argument, how awful it had been that day. Möhle had always wished to hear more than one or two words out of their mother since she’d begun to act that way, but they didn’t want this. They didn’t want the anger, the lashing out. All they wanted was to be protected, to see the person who used to show so much love come back. But that version of her died a long, long time ago. As soon as grandpa died Beth had become a shell of the person she was, leaving Möhle to feel lonely and neglected. They hoped that she would change, that she would go back to the woman she used to be. And as optimistic as they were, Möhle kept getting their hopes up, only to feel them crashing down once again. And now, they were beginning to learn to not hope for anything at all.
“You want to see the worst part?”, They pulled out a small slip of paper from the box, handing it over to Shane with reluctance, “Here, look at this. She sent it with the box,”
Shane scanned over the letter, reading over Beth’s pitiful excuses for missing out yet again, the ramblings of how she’d make it up to them. He felt his heart jump when he saw a certain name on the paper, one he had honestly forgotten about until this very moment. Frowning, he turned to Möhle in concern, “Wait, isn’t this your old name? I thought your mom was supportive of you,”
Möhle didn’t respond, refusing to even look in Shanes direction. Their expression darkened, an obvious air of gloom filling their mind. Shane sat the paper down in the space between them, changing his tone to be softer, “Does this have to do with why you act so different?”
“... It’s like I told you before. The city changes you. “ they muttered, “Grampleton was nothin’ like Pelican Town. People were mean, they were awful.”
Möhle wrapped their arms around themself, holding themself tight like a comforting hug, “People didn’t understand me, especially other kids. People here just accepted me being autistic as some ‘quirk’, but… it was seen as a nuisance there. They thought I was annoying and I guess they decided I should be punished for it. I went home plenty of times with black eyes and bruises, and-” they stopped, feeling far too upset even just remembering all that had happened so long ago.
Shane put a hand on theirs, “You don’t have to tell me this,” he knew all too well what it felt like to open up about hardships you’d rather forget, the frustration so strong it made you feel lightheaded. He didn’t want his friend to have to feel that all-too familiar feeling too.
Möhle shook their head, “It’s okay, really… I just really haven’t told anyone else this besides Elliott, y’know?” they gave him a weak smile for just a moment before looking back off into space, forlorn and sullen, “It was already bad in other ways… People didn’t respect my identity. They kept calling me a girl, called me some things I’d prefer not to repeat, too… And one day, someone somehow found out my deadname and they spread it around. I think I just gave up after that. They didn’t want ‘Möhle’. They wanted a girl who was quiet and ‘normal’, one that didn’t make a scene wherever she went. I just wanted everything to stop; the words, the harassment, the beatdowns… so I became the girl they wanted. I stopped telling people about my interests, I got quieter… and I told everyone to just start calling me that name again. It was hard, so hard… but it was easier than being me,”
Their vision blurred as tears finally bubbled over. The wound had been violently reopened, and oh how embarrassed they felt discussing it. They felt like such a baby for crying, so mortified to even tell Shane. They just couldn’t handle it, “My mom didn’t even notice, not until it got too bad to ignore. She was so closed off she didn’t even see it. And when she did, that’s when the gifts started. She just… bombarded me with them. We never talked about how I felt going through it, never got help. I would just get books, or a necklace, then my snake… But I needed her, and I didn’t get that,” they sighed, wiping their tears as they looked back to Shane, “I must sound really ungrateful though, huh?”
“No… no, Mö, it’s-” Shane blinked in disbelief for a moment, “Fuck, that’s a lot… and she just didn’t do anything about it?”
“Never did,” Möhle affirmed, “So I moved out as soon as I could afford it, we’ve only talked a few times since. I don’t think she even knows I go by Möhle again.”
“I thought the city would be better with all that, honestly,” Shane mused sadly, “I mean, we got fuckin’ lucky here, everyone was nice about it. Your mom accepted you, my aunt helped choose my new name, you remember…” he stopped for a moment, fidgeting with the edge of his sweater’s sleeve, “I never had to deal with anything like that… I’m sorry you did,”
“Not your fault,” Möhle grumbled. They leaned back into the couch, resting their head against the back cushion and turning to face Shane, “Thank you though… for letting me tell you. I know it’s a lot to deal with, ‘specially around a holiday. No one wants to hear a sob story when you’re supposed to be celebrating,”
His face tinted pink for just a moment, “Yoba, I hate talkin’ about feelin’s but… I know I can be an asshole. I am an asshole. And I don’t know how to express myself properly, but I do care. I don’t say it enough, but I do,” He smiled sheepishly, feeling his heart beat fast from nervousness, “You’re… really cool. I wish I had been nicer to you when you came back, ‘specially knowin’ what I know now. I don’t remember what I said that night, just that I was drunk off my ass… but I know I was probably a total dick…”
“You always listened to me,” he reminded them, “You were there for me, even when I didn’t deserve it. Of course I’m gonna listen.”
He looked them right in the face, feeling an overwhelming weight of guilt press upon his chest at the sight of their left eye. The iris was warped and clouded over, a permanent reminder of the worst mistake he ever made in his life, “And I know I hurt you too, and I can’t fix it either. But I’ll do everything I can to even try and make it right, promise,”
Möhle laughed bitterly, a wry smile upon their face, “Crazy as it sounds, it wouldn’t be the worst thing that ever happened to me… But thank you…” They looked him in the face, those sad eyes seemingly just a bit happier, “I’m glad you’re here,”
“I’m glad you let me in,” Shane smiled in response, feeling just a bit lighter at the sentiment. He felt something sharp prick at the skin of his hand, looking down to see the present he had brought sitting just at his side.
“Shit, I forgot-” Shane reached to his side, fumbling for the present. It was crumpled even further, the paper ripped near the corners. It looked absolutely abysmal, and Shane regretted that his wrapping skills were this bad, very much worsened by the crumpling. He reluctantly handed it over to them, a bashful blush on his face, “I’m your gifter this year, I guess… I wanted to make sure you got it in time,”
Möhle gingerly took the present in their hands, seemingly not caring all that much about the quality of the wrapping. Peeling it away from the item inside, they found a grand, leatherbound journal, one of the prettiest they’d seen. Symbols of flora and fauna were etched into the cover, a masterfully crafted piece of work they couldn’t help but find magnificent. The papers inside, much like the cover, were handcrafted as well. Bumps and ridges along the edges showed its imperfections, indicative of work by human hand, just as Möhle adored. Shane could see a smile pull at the corners of their mouth, a sparkle forming in their eye as they ran their fingers across the surface.
Shane shrugged, “There’s this artist living in the cottage by our house and I've been workin’ with her to get this made since I got the letter about our gift assignments. I had no damn clue makin’ paper was gonna be that hard, but… I’m glad I helped,”
“Where did you get this?” they asked, “It’s… perfect, I don’t think I’ve gotten somethin’ this nice in… forever, really,”
The softest laugh escaped Möhles throat, their smile widening further, “You’re so sweet, you know that?”
“Like hell I am,” Shane scoffed, trying to hide the smallest tint of blush spreading on his face, “I mean I appreciate it, but we all know I’m a bitter ass,”
“I mean it… You’re a great guy, really. You have your moments, yeah, but you’re nicer than you give yourself credit for,” Möhle mused, finally smiling with so much warmth and love, “I’m really glad I got to know you again,”
“You know what? Me too,” Shane returned the smile, feeling just a bit more confident in himself, “And I was thinkin’… maybe we can get to know each other more? Like, spendin’ more time together, I mean,”
“Yeah? What did you have in mind?”
Shane pulled out the envelope from Elliott, fishing one of the tickets from its confines and holding it out to Möhle, “Got these as my gift, have enough to take someone with me. The game’s not ‘till later in Spring, but… do you want to go?”
“You mean it?” Möhle’s eyes lit up, an excitement in their heart, “Shit, I haven’t done anything with gridball in years, but… yeah! I’ll go!”
“It’s a date then!” Shane chimed, immediately feeling a pit form in his stomach upon realizing his wording. He held up a hand defensively, suddenly incredibly flustered, “Not a date, I meant-”
“Oh, it’s-”
“You know what I meant right? Just a thing as… as friends, not like.. that-” Shane felt ready to pass out from embarrassment, seeing an awkward expression form on Möhle’s face. The two stared at each other in a tense silence, feeling a morbid humiliation sink in, neither knowing how to fix it. Shane sighed and shook his head, “I just mean… It sounds good. I’m excited, you know?”
“Yeah…” Möhle mumbled, looking back down at the ticket fondly, “Me too,”
The grand clock along the wall chimed and echoed loudly as the hour changed, the night beginning to roll in. Neither of them had realized just how long they’d sat there during their chat, the time completely passing them by. Shane rose from his seat, shoving his hands deep in his pockets, “Guess that means I should get going,”
Möhle seemed disappointed, wanting to protest. They wanted to ask him to stay, to have their own little celebration on their lonesome in the farmhouse. But they knew well that just like themself, he had a farm to go home to and tend to. And unlike Möhle, he had a family there too. They swallowed their desire and gave him a smile, standing up by his side, “I’ll show you out then.”
On the way back to the door, something caught Shane’s eye, something rather large that he was surprised to not have noticed on the way in. A large tank full of plants and branches sat along the wall, a brown and white snake wrapped around a branch closest to the heat lamp on top. Shane stopped in his tracks to peer into the tank, “Is this that snake you were talking about?”
“Oh that’s Tulip!” Möhle rushed to Shane’s side, staring down at the tank with glee, “She’s a little hognose. Cute, right?”
“Is she friendly?” Shane asked, a nervousness on his face as Möhle reached their hand in to let the creature slither up their arm. He was a self proclaimed animal lover, but that love seemed to stop and be replaced with fear when it came to reptiles. Möhle, however, adored each and every little creature that existed on the planet. They had the fondest look upon their face as they looked at Tulip, a twinkle in their eye as they held her close, “Yeah, she doesn’t bite! Even if she did, she’s only a little venomous.”
“Only a little?!”
“Yeah, it’s like a bee sting, no big deal,” Möhle explained nonchalantly. They outstretched their arm, allowing Tulip to get even closer to Shane, her beady little eyes staring him down, “Wanna hold her?”
He took a cautious step back, trying his best to keep a respectful smile on his face. Möhle seemed to catch the hint, frowning for just a moment before placing Tulip safely back in her enclosure. They watched her slither back up the branch she loved to perch on, almost in a trance as they stared into the tank.
“You know… People get scared of snakes ‘n think they’re evil, but they’re really just sweethearts if you get to know ‘em,” they smiled softly, placing a hand against the glass of the tank, “People just don’t understand them, mistreat them without even taking a moment to try… think that’s why I like ‘em so much. They’re kind of like me,”
Shane looked back to the little snake, suddenly feeling just a bit less apprehensive about her presence. With that thought in mind he was able to look at her with a newer perspective, hoping to see her just the way Möhle did. They could be such a kind and thoughtful soul, seeing the beauty in things others couldn’t. They saw the beauty in him too, as much as he didn’t get it. He had a hard time articulating himself, a hard time speaking his mind, and he wished he could express just how grateful he was to have them in his life. He wished Möhle knew how much their support meant to him.
“You know…” he started, “I remember someone tellin’ me once that snakes can be symbols for protection and strength, somethin’ like that… Maybe that’s why your mom got her for you,”
Möhle’s smile dropped at the mention of Beth, quickly reappearing as they thought on his words for just a moment longer, “Yeah… maybe,” they stood back upright, feeling an idea form in their mind, “Y’know, before you go… do you want to do somethin’ to celebrate? Just us two. It’d be a shame to cut it short, you know?"
“That… sounds good, actually,” Shane agreed. He saw his friends face break out into a smile, watching as they turned on their heel and made towards the kitchen, “Come on then! Don’t want all the food to go to waste,”
As their dinner and the evening rolled on, the pair found themselves relishing in the others company. Möhle especially found themself much happier, much more lively than they’d been that morning. What had started as such a sad and bleak day for them had turned into one full of joy and connection. The house was echoing with laughter, the pair sharing funny anecdotes and stories from over the past year, talking about the future they looked forward to. Music played as they spoke and ate, immersing them in overwhelming cheer that both of them dearly needed.
All of the celebration and the buzz in their veins gave Möhle a bold idea, one that excited them ever so much. They suddenly stood from their seat at the table, reaching out to pull a very confused and surprised Shane up with them. He raised a brow and held a smirk on his face, amused yet terribly confused, “What are you doing?”
“What’s the point of calling this a celebration if there’s no dancin’?”
“Yoba, you know I’ve got two left feet...”
“Come onnnn,” Möhle drew out, holding out a hand to him, “Not like anyone’s watchin’ us,”
Shane looked down at their hand, thinking long and well for a moment. Why the hell not? It was just like they said, after all. It was just the two of them, what could it hurt? He slowly reached out his own hand to take theirs, surprised as Möhle immediately pulled him in tight. He nervously squeezed the hand they held, wrapping his free arm around their waist as he tried to manage his footing. After a few moments of awkward shuffling and stifled laughter, the pair began to move along to the music playing on the kitchen’s radio, trying their best to dance in tandem with the other. As terrible of a dancer as Shane was, he found Möhle was even worse. The two kept stumbling and stepping on the other's foot, blushing in embarrassment and mumbling the occasional apology as they danced through the room. As embarrassing as it was, the pair found joy in their little waltz. The awkward missteps, the push and pull, the lack of knowledge on what move to make next; it all served to amuse them, filling their hearts with the lightest joy they had ever felt.
It took them a few minutes before they could bear to even look the other in the eye, shy smiles upon their faces as they stared at the other. Möhle couldn’t help but notice how shiny Shane’s eyes seemed, how happy his complexion was. They hadn’t seen this joy in him since the pair had parted ways all those years ago, and they certainly never expected to see him look that way towards them. It wasn’t unwelcome though. Far from it, actually. To know that he looked upon them in such a way made them feel like the most special person in the valley. Dancing with him in this very moment made their sadness wash clean away. How lucky they felt to have this moment with their friend.
There was just one tiny little problem; Möhle wasn’t sure they saw him as just a ‘friend’ any longer.
SURPRISE!!! As a present for the holidays I'm presenting you with a double chapter batch! This one is a bit more intense, and has a pretty large twist if I'm honest, but it's something I've wanted to make for a while. Thank you all for sticking with me
CW's for this chapter include very brief allusions to alcoholism, brief mention of death, an awful deadbeat parent, brief mentions of homophobia, and mentions of cheating (wasn't sure if i should add it as a warning but JUST in case I will)
Summary: Months into recovery, Shane is thriving. The days are getting easier to get through, he's happier in general, his relationships are improving, and he's learning to move forward. He feels on top of the world, and absolutely nothing can bring him down!… or can it? A letter comes to the ranch that puts all that Shane's learned to the test and may be just what he needs to finally put the past to rest.
AO3 Version Here
Tumblr Version Below the Cut
The crisp, cold winds of November rolled into the valley, the Winter drawing near. For many the Winter brought a sense of gloom, dampening the spirits of the valley's inhabitants in such a bleak, frigid season. Normally, Shane would be feeling the same, the seasonal depression having long set in. But that wouldn’t be the case this year. This year he was content, maybe even happy . It had only been a few months of him speaking to a therapist and formally battling against his struggles with drinking, but already he was seeing a great positive change. He felt lighter, getting through the day with little to no alcohol was getting easier. Life was good, and it was only getting better!
Well… until one tiny wrench was thrown into things, that is.
The evening was well on its way, and Shane was just getting home from a trip to Grampleton, using the excuse of Winter Star shopping for his absence. That couldn't be further from the truth, however, and there was one person who could catch him in his lie immediately, one standing just behind him . Shane shut the door to his car, preparing himself and taking a deep grounding breath before he'd need to go inside.
“What are you doing ?”
Shane nearly jumped out of his skin at the sudden noise, yelping when he saw Möhle looming overhead, looking at him skeptically. He huffed and gave them a warning glare, “The hell are you sneakin’ up on me for?”
“The hell are you sneaking around for?” Möhle rebutted, crossing their arms.
“I don't know what you're talkin’ about,” Shane huffed, leaning against his car, “I was just going Winter Star shoppin’, that's all,”
“And you only got one thing in the 6 hours you were out?” Möhle motioned to the small boutique bag in his hand, earning an eye-roll from Shane.
“When the hell did you get so observant… Just-... Listen… ” he whispered, looking around for any sign of Marnie or Jas, “If you promise to never tell anyone about this, I'll talk…. But not here,”
“We can go to my barn, no one will see us there,” Möhle suggested. Shane suddenly looked worried, “Is the guy hell-bent on kickin' my ass still at your house?”
“Elliott’s not going to kick your ass, he's just looking out for me, that's what family does,” Möhle shrugged, “And nah, he's been back home for a while.” they motioned to their eye, now uncovered and healed from the incident at the fair, “Everything's healed up so he doesn’t really have a reason to stay around and help,,”
“.... Alright then. Lead the way,”
The barn was indeed quiet, spacious too. No villagers were around to eavesdrop and all the animals were still grazing outside. All that was inside was the troughs and piles of hay, and of course Shane and Möhle . Möhle flopped back into a haystack, a puff of dust flying into the air as they landed upon it. They patted a spot beside them, coaxing Shane forward, “C’mon, sit,”
Shane flopped beside them, letting out an ‘oomph’ as his body hit the stack. The bale was much stiffer than it looked, nearly knocking the wind out of him. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he began to ruminate over the day, “You promise you won't tell anyone what I'm about to say?”
“Of course, it's safe with me,”
“I'm just askin’ because if this gets out I'm gonna be-”
“ Shane . It's okay, I promise,” Möhle assured, “You know I wouldn't betray your trust like that,”
“.... I know,”, Shane leaned his head back and sighed, wrapping his arms ‘round himself in a self-soothing manner. The look in his eyes was vacant, like his mind was a million miles away. Möhle didn't want to pry, but they couldn't deny their curiosity was piqued now. What was he hiding?
"Do you.... want to talk about what’s going on then?" They asked cautiously, rolling onto their side to face him.
Shane blinked slowly, snapping out of his closed-off state. Clearing his throat, he spoke slowly, "I… met my dad today,"
"Oh shit ," Möhle muttered, a tone of disbelief in their voice. As long as they could remember that fact had been a total secret. No one knew who that man was, not even Marnie . It was a secret that had been buried in the past for as long as both of them lived... So how did he ever find that out?
"How do you know? Did he find you, or-" Möhle shook their head, "Sorry, sorry, I'm prying,"
"It's... okay," Shane forced out, "I can tell you how, if you want to hear it,"
"Only if you want to tell it,"
"Oh trust me, I do," he scoffed, “It’s a long story,”
----------------
The Previous Morning
“Come on, it's time for breakfast, you gotta get up,”
“Can we pleaaase have waffles and ice cream today?” Jas pleaded, “I did my chores all week and I got a good grade on my test!”
Shane gave Jas a less than impressed look, “... Jas you know that’s not an option,”
“Come on, pleaaaase !” she whined, “Just for this morning? It’s a special day!”
“Oh is it now?” Shane asked, feigning curiosity, “What’s the occasion?”
Jas neatly folded her hands in front of her, sticking up her chin and giving him a proud smirk, “Miss Penny says everyday is a special day!”
“Ohhhh,” Shane mused, giving her a nod, “Well in that case, sure!”
“Really?!”
“No.”
Jas grumbled exaggeratedly and flopped against the bed, twisting her face in disappointment. Shane leaned against the doorway, folding his arms, “Come on, get yourself ready so you can eat before Miss Penny gets here,”
Jas gave him a thumbs up in response before dramatically flopping her arm to the bed, trying her best to make him feel bad for the crime of ensuring she had a healthy meal. Shane could only shake his head and stifle back a laugh at the theatrics, turning back towards the kitchen. It smelled amazing in there, the scent of farm-fresh food wafting through the whole house. Marnie had everything made up perfectly, setting out a grand spread for the family. Even though it was only the three of them living there, she just couldn’t help but out-do herself when it came to cooking. It was simply a habit she just couldn’t break. She caught a glimpse of Shane out of the corner of her eye, giving him a smile, “Good to see you smiling again,”
“Yeah, I’m actually feeling good, I think,” Shane shrugged nonchalantly, “I feel really… light? I haven’t felt like this since I was a little kid,”
“Well that’s a good thing, isn’t it?”
Shane looked to the tiny mirror hanging in the corner of the kitchen, catching a glimpse of himself. He certainly looked much happier, healthier too. His skin was no longer a sickly hue, and the bags beneath his eyes had lightened considerably. His eyes were brighter, demeanor happier. He still had a long way to go, but his progress was undeniable. He smiled softly, feeling proud of his reflection for the first time in a while, “Yeah… it is good,”
He turned to the piles upon piles of pans on the stove, a reminder of why he never bothered to cook for himself. Far too many dishes, if you asked him, “You need help with anything in here?”
Marnie simply waved him off, “Oh I’ve got this under control! If you want, maybe you can go get the mail? I don’t believe anyone’s gotten it yet,”
Shane gave her a salute in a silly manner, turning on his heel and heading for the door, “You got it, ma,”
Sifting through the mailbox resulted in the usual junk. Advertisements, blatantly obvious scams, sign-up offers, and all the like. It was rare that anything important was sent to the ranch, and Shane honestly wondered why Marnie even bothered with looking through it. Today, however, something would catch his eye. Hidden behind stacks and stacks of junk was a letter with handwritten text on the front, much unlike the rest. But that wasn’t all that stuck out. Written on the address line was not his name, nor Marnie’s or Jas’. It was Mona’s.
He had to do a double take, blinking in disbelief as if he’d open his eyes to see a different name on the front. Who the hell was sending her something? Everytime Shane felt like a mystery about his family was drawing to a close, something like this happened. Another thing would land right in his lap and send him back to step one. He just couldn’t take his eyes away from that name, staring at those four little letters that made up her name in complete disbelief.
“Anything good today?”
Shane jumped at the sound of Marnie’s voice, quickly cramming the letter into his jacket pocket before she could see it, “Nothin’ today, ma,”
Marnie raised a brow, entirely unconvinced by his tone, “Shane, what’s wrong?”
“ Nothin’, I promise,” he lied, “Just… thought I saw an expensive bill. It’s just junk, though,”
Reluctantly, she nodded in response. Marnie knew Shane all too well to know he was entirely telling the truth, but she decided not to press any further for now, “Alright… Well if it is just junk, why don't you come in and eat? I spent too long cooking for breakfast to go cold,”
“Yeah… I’ll be right there,”
That damn letter just about burned a hole through his pocket all day. It could be nothing much, he supposed. Maybe an old acquaintance checking up on her for the first time in years, perhaps a penpal. Part of him wanted to check the return address, but pulling the letter out might draw Marnie's attention, and Yoba knew he didn't want that. No matter what it was though, Shane was grossly interested. Another piece of his mother’s life was sitting right there in his pocket, and it was all he could think about. He wondered if he should just bite the bullet and tell Marnie or still keep it to himself. The options weighed back and forth the entire day. Through work in the barn, lunch, daily chores, and dinner, that damn letter was all Shane could think about.
Finally the day drew to a close. Jas was fast asleep in bed, leaving Shane and Marnie to lock up for the night. Marnie couldn’t help but notice he was rushing to complete his chores, like he was trying for some new record. It was… suspicious, to say the least. She approached him quietly, folding her arms, “Shane, tell me what’s wrong,”
He flinched, turning around to face her slowly. Worry was etched onto his face, looking like a child who was caught misbehaving. He quickly gave her an unconvincing smile, “Nothin’s wrong, promise,”
“Shane.” Marnie scolded, “You know it doesn’t help any of us to lie or hide things. Just tell me what’s going on,”
Shane’s smile fell once more, the worry reappearing on his face, “Listen, can we just talk about it later ?”
“... You promise you’ll talk about it, though?”
“I swear,” Shane nodded, knowing full well he was likely lying, as guilty as that made him feel. He slipped a hand into his pocket, feeling the crushed up letter stuffed in the bottom. Against her better judgement, Marnie decided to believe him, “Alright… have a goodnight then, sweetheart,”
“You too,” Shane chirped, slowly backing up towards his bedroom door as he watched Marnie walk to her own. As soon as she was out of sight he dashed into his room, locking the door behind him. Finally, he pulled the letter from his pocket, wasting not even a moment in tearing it open. The suspense was absolutely killing him at this point, and he couldn't wait a moment longer to find out what it said. Unfolding the crinkled paper inside, he scanned over the page, reading what would perhaps be the most shocking letter he’d seen in his life.
Mona,
I know it's been decades since we parted ways, and I was wrong for leaving you like that. There hasn't been a day where I haven't regretted it. I don't have an excuse, but you're owed an explanation.
When we were together, I was already married. It was rocky, there was so much fighting. During that time I found comfort in you, and I started to love you. But over time, I started to feel guilty. I wanted to make things right with my wife. I had a family to worry about, and I needed to be there for them, even if it meant breaking your heart.
So much has happened that made me realize I have to fix things. In the last few years my marriage finally fell apart. My wife and I never saw eye to eye on some things, one of them being our son. He was always an odd one, never quite agreed with his lifestyle. Then one day we got into an argument and I reacted terribly. In anger I disowned him, kicked him out. I regret that now, especially now that I can never apologize to him. We recently found out he passed away, and that was the final straw for my wife. She was so upset when we got the news, angry at me for shoving him away, and she left me. In the span of a day I fully lost two people I cared for most. It's made me think a lot, it made me remember how I lost you too.
I understand if you don't want to see me, but I'd love to see you and finally meet our kid someday. I wish Jason was still here to meet them too.
- Gerard Anderson
“What the fuck…” Shane whispered, his voice warbling, “This has to be a fuckin’ prank, there’s no way it’s not,”
But how could it be? Who would know enough about Shane's past to even think of something like this, and who would be evil enough to write it as a prank? The simple answer was no one. The only explanation was that it was real, no matter what he wanted to believe.
“What a fuckin’ piece of shit ,” Shane hissed, “Not even a ‘sorry’? What, does he think he’s too good for that?! The asshole abandoned us and he doesn’t even have the decency to pretend he’s sorry! And then he asks to see me?!”
He paced across the room, gripping the paper tight. He was seething , face red and hot, teeth gritted so hard he feared they may shatter. Shane was absolutely seeing red, rage building in him with each passing second.
“And fuck off with the ‘we got in an argument’ part. Jason told me all about that. He got disowned because that man’s a homophobic piece of shit!” he grumbled to himself, throwing up his hands for emphasis, “I always knew he was a piece of garbage, but this? This is worse. I fuckin’ hate his da-”
He cut himself off, a realization clicking in his mind, one that made him feel woozy, “ .... our dad,” he whispered. He felt his eyes begin to sting with tears, an overwhelming feeling rushing through him, one he couldn’t tell if it was good or bad. He slowly sat atop his bed, staring at the opposing wall as he began to process that fact. Jason wasn't just ‘like’ a brother to him… he was his brother.
Everything was completely, entirely given new context. Every interaction with Jason, every day spent grieving, the last conversation he had with him. His best friend in this entire world was connected to him in a far deeper way. How strange fate was to bring them together the way it did. To make them roommates in university, teammates on the same varsity team, best friends, brothers. It was entirely incomprehensible. Exciting, yet absolutely terrifying . The thought just kept running through his head, lifting his spirit, letting joy swell in his heart. All until it sunk again when he remembered the situation that led to him discovering it.
He turned the envelope over to look at the return address. It was somewhere in Grampleton, a city not all too far from Pelican Town. Shane remembered going there many a time when Marnie made him tag along for errands. Hell, that was where the school all the towns kids used to be bussed to was. It wouldn't be much trouble to get there at all. Wasn't like he had much to do either. Business at the ranch was slow and he'd been long fired for his absences at JojaMart. He just had to come up with an excuse to go into town. Then, and only then, would one of the last loose ends be tied together. The last grand mystery of his life would be laid to rest.
------------
“Yoba…” Möhle breathed out, still in shock, “So that makes you-”
“Yeah. I’m his brother, and Jas’ uncle, I guess,” he mumbled, “ Fuck, it was so hard hearing her call me that today.”
“What does your aunt think about it?”
Shane bit his lip, suddenly looking more nervous. Möhle raised a brow, looking at him intently, “Shane…?”
“I… still haven’t told her,” he admitted with a sigh, “I don’t know how to. I don’t even know if I will , honestly,”
“Don't you think she deserves to know? It's her family too, Shane,” Möhle scolded.
“Mö she has threatened to kill my dad if she met him every damn time he's been brought up in a conversation. If I tell her about this, she's gonna be in jail by the end of the week,” Shane huffed, “Besides there's just so much goin’ on already… I don't want to upset her more,”
Möhle thought about it for a moment before shrugging in agreement, “Makes sense, I guess… What did you do about all this, though?”
“Well…” Shane started, “ That's why I was in Grampleton today,”
----------------
Shane had been staring at the return address on the envelope for almost an hour, looking back and forth between the words on the paper and the house in front of him. This had to be it. A little townhouse in the heart of Grampleton, unassuming to most, but holding the key to one of the biggest secrets in his life. All Shane had to do was walk up to that door, knock, and introduce himself to his father. But he couldn’t bring himself to even get out of the car. Something kept him stuck inside, made him feel full of lead. He was just frozen. Was it fear? Was it reluctance? He just wasn’t sure. All he did know was that he couldn’t do this.
He wasn’t even sure he wanted to see the man, if he was honest. He’d heard plenty of stories from Jason’s own mouth, about all the anger and mistreatment in that home, how miserable his father could be. The man would screech and scream, bringing down everyone with him. He sounded like an incorrigible, despicable man. And even though that was the case, something made Shane oh so morbidly curious about seeing him. Perhaps it was the need for closure. So many loose ends had been tied up so neatly now, but this was one that just hadn’t been figured out. He had a chance to change that now, and the answers to one of his biggest questions sat merely 10 feet away.
But again, the man was despicable. Abandoning him and his mother, treating Jason that way, betraying his wife like that… The man was pure evil. Shane knew people could change and try to make amends, but was it possible for someone like Gerard to do so? Did he even deserve a chance? He just didn't know. Maybe it was a mistake to come here. Maybe he should just go home. But even though he couldn't bring himself to step out of the car, he also couldn't bring himself to leave either.
“Just do it already ,” he thought to himself, “All you have to do is knock, just-”
His train of thought was cut off by a harsh knock at his car window, one so rough he was almost surprised the glass didn’t shatter. Turning his attention to the person standing outside, he nearly felt his heart stop. Looming outside of the car was a haggard, aging man, one who looked not so happy to see him. His expression was sunken in and miserable, beady eyes glaring at Shane intently. Stringy, unkempt and graying purple hair hung in front of his pale face, casting a shadow over his sullen features. It almost felt like Shane was looking at a version of himself from some future where he did continue down his destructive path. There was no mistaking it, no mistaking it at all. The man standing here now was his father. Hands shaking, he rolled down the window, allowing Gerard to lean in closer.
“Who the hell are you?” he hissed, “What are you doing in front of my house? You some solicitor? Got a petition you want me to sign?”
“No, sir, I’m-”
“You a damn cop?!”
Shane hastily held up the letter in his hands, handing it over to the enraged man. Gerard snatched the paper from him, scanning over it intensely. Soon enough his harrowed expression softened once he began to recognize the letter. He slowly lowered it, looking at Shane with awe. His mind no longer clouded by anger, he could see his son clearly. He had his hair and Mona's eyes, completely unmistakable. Gerard took a shaky breath before motioning towards his home, “Do… Do you want to come inside?”
The inside of his father's home was… bleak. It felt almost empty, very little furniture filled the interior, and the furniture that was there was all some shade of gray or sterile white. The walls were nearly bare as well, save for two faded family photos in the entryway, one of which Shane had remembered Jason showing him years ago. There was an echo with every step you took, and an overwhelming weight in the air. Shane almost felt like he was walking into another reality rather than his fathers home. He followed Gerard through a narrow hall that opened into the small living room, finding it slightly fuller than the rest of the house. His father motioned for him to take a seat on one of the old couches, watching his every step anxiously.
“So…” the older man started, sinking into the chair across from Shane, drumming his fingers across his knee nervously, “What’s your name, son?”
Shane internally winced at being called ‘son’. Those words coming from that man's mouth felt vile to say the least. He folded his arms across his chest, clearing his throat, “It’s Shane. Shane Aaron Yoder,” he stated with pride.
“She gave you her last name, hmm? Not surprised, honestly,” Gerard gruffed. His expression grew softer for just a second at the mention of her, “... Your mother won't be joining us, will she? I-I don't blame her. I’m guessing she’s angry at me?”
“She's dead ,” Shane stated bluntly, glaring at him with a cold intensity. Gerard's expression dropped, his face growing paler, “Oh… I'm so sorry, son I-”
“Stop calling me that, please ,” Shane grumbled, trying his best to keep his composure. Everytime he heard that word it felt like a stab in the heart, and he could go his entire life without hearing it again. Gerard looked as if he was about to protest Shane’s request before solemnly nodding and retreating back into himself.
“You must think I’m some sort of monster,” he bemoaned, “But I had my reasons for what I’ve done, you’ve read them, I’m sure,”
“I did… and I do,” Shane droned on. He felt a strange contempt grow in him, his foot tapping from his little nervous tic that kept rearing its head. His father seemed to ignore it, far too focused on his own feelings to even begin noticing.
“I always meant to reach out to you, but everytime it just felt wrong . Soon the years just kept passing me by and… honestly…. I forgot about you and your mother,” he admitted, “After finding out about Jason’s death it all came back to me, so I wrote that letter.”
Shane didn’t respond, feeling himself turn angrier by the moment. He just ‘forgot’ about them? Forgot about the lives he ruined, the pain he caused? How could someone just forget that? It made him angry, boiled his blood to think about it. And to watch him say it so nonchalantly, like he was recounting a mere story he read, it added another layer to the animosity. But he didn’t let it be seen, not now.
“I’m glad I did though,” Gerard gave him a grin, “This can be a new start for us as a family!”
“... What?”
“Oh come on Shane, we’re family, we should act like it!” Gerard mused, “Wouldn’t you like that?”
That was the last straw for Shane. He leaned forward in his seat, lunging closer towards his father, “You don't get to just walk into my life like this and act like everything’s fine !”
“I just wanted to get to know you,” Gerard explained, feeling himself grow defensive, “I’ve already lost my other son, and I lost him when we were on bad terms. I just wanted-”
“I’m not a replacement for him! I'm not some… spare that you can just throw away and forget about until you need it!” Shane snapped, shooting up from his seat, “And I know aaaaall about why you were on ‘bad terms’. Kicked him out because you’re a homophobic piece of shit . And you know what? If you knew a single damn thing about me you’d disown me for the same thing and more!”
Gerard looked shocked, appalled even. To be yelled at by Shane in that way, in their first real conversation, he was entirely taken aback. How did he even know about that part too? Slowly his shocked expression switched to one of rage, a defensive wall building around him, “I reach out to you, invite you to my home , and this is how you talk to me? I didn’t have to do this, you know. I wanted to because I wanted to be kind! ”
“Are you serious?” Shane questioned in pure disbelief. Was he genuinely acting like doing this was somehow doing Shane a favor ? Did he think that this was supposed to make up for 31 years of nothing? Shane’s face grew red and blazing hot, an anger he hadn’t felt before bubbling in him. If he were the man he used to be, he’d cause a scene, lash out, scream. But as angry as he was, he couldn’t muster the strength to go after him the way he once would have, the way he always imagined he would in this situation. Clenching his fists tight, Shane resigned himself, speaking slowly and carefully, “This was a fuckin’ mistake ,” and with that, he turned away, striding out of the home as fast as he could.
He could hear his father yell and call out to him, but he couldn’t care to listen to the words he said. It just sounded like a cacophony of screeches, anger and venom dripping from that man’s voice, poisoning the air. But Shane decided he didn’t care. He didn’t need Gerard, he never did. He’d gone 31 wonderful years without needing him, and he’d keep it that way.
Getting back into his car, Shane could feel a buzz of adrenaline within him, one that resonated in every bone and inch of flesh. His mind was clouded with frustration. He regretted coming here, regretted even having the idea. But in a way, somehow , he was glad for it. All his life Shane felt like he was missing out on something by not knowing that man. But now? He knew he was better off without him. He couldn’t even imagine the life he would’ve had with Gerard in it, and he didn’t want to. His real family was at home, and that’s all he needed. He didn’t need his father. He never did. Turning the key in his car, he drove off, taking a slow, peaceful route through town, feeling the adrenaline slowly wind down. He became more content in his decision to leave, feeling even proud of himself for it. Today was a true test of his resilience, and he believed he came out stronger than ever.
—-----------
“Aaaaand that leads us to now,” Shane sighed. He looked to his friend, seeing Möhle just silently take it in, nodding slowly as they reflected on his words. They ran a hand through their hair, exhaling deeply before they spoke, “Are you okay, though?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean… That’s a lot, Shane,” Möhle motioned outwards for emphasis, “You sure you’re alright after that?”
Shane let himself think for just a moment before a small smile came onto his face, “Yeah… I think I am. It’s hard, it fuckin’ sucks too, honestly. But I can deal with it. I’ll be just fine.”
“Sounds like those appointments are workin, huh?”
“Hell yeah they are,” Shane laughed. He leaned his head back on the haystack, turning his head to look at Möhle , “Thanks for lettin’ me talk about it, Mö… and for lettin' me in,”
Möhle smiled softly, their eyes crinkling in the corners, “I’m just glad you’re doing better… You look happier, you’ve changed. But that’s a good thing. I haven’t seen you this happy since we were kids,”
“I think I just realized I have a lot to be grateful for. A lot to live for too,” Shane mused. He looked up to the ceiling, seeing the sunset shine through the barn's skylight, “Why shouldn’t I be happy about it? Why should I let that asshole ruin it for me?”
“You know, the fact that you could get through that without breaking is… awesome actually,” Möhle observed, “I don’t think I could have that strength,”
“I don’t think that’s true, but thanks,” Shane smiled, “Means a lot from you,”
“So… what’s next?” Möhle asked, “Like, what are you gonna do?”
“Well in general I’m just gonna work on myself. Find a new hobby, get myself out there… I just wanna focus on stayin' happy…” Shane sat up, holding up the boutique bag with one hand, a grin on his face, “But today I think I just need to get an early Winter Star present home to my kid,”
-------------
Jas sat atop a bale in the living room-turned storage room, contentedly reading over a book Penny had assigned to her. It was a short collection of classics, each story more fascinating to her than the last. She enjoyed having them as an escape, something to go away to when the going was rough. Even with how much everything had improved, there was still an air of tension deep down in that home, an air she wanted to forget. Books were her way of escaping, her way of finding a world where her problems were as far away as they could be. But perhaps tonight, many of them could be solved.
The front door swung open, Shane stepping in with an excited smile on his face. He peeked around the corner to look for his goddaughter, finding her still atop that little bale, “Jassy, can you come here?”
Jas jumped at the intrusion, smiling once she realized it was her godfather standing there. She quickly put the book down, ensuring she dog-eared the last page she was on for safekeeping before hopping down from her spot to meet him in the foyer, “You’re home!”
Shane held up the bag, “I’ve got presents too!” he laughed when he saw how her eyes lit up, her purple irises glimmering the moment ‘presents’ was uttered. She tried to contain her excitement, keeping herself restrained from just snatching the bag from his hands, but Shane could see that she was about to burst from anticipation. Gently he handed it down to her, feeling excited himself as he watched her tear into the bag.
Pulling a white, ribbon adorned box from inside, Jas made quick work of untying it, excitedly opening the lid to find the most spectacular present inside. Amongst layers of decorated tissue paper were sparkly pink ballet slippers with the cutest little bunny faces at the toe tips, and just her size too! Jas had seen these little bunny jewel slippers in every catalogue and commercial, and though she rarely said anything about them, Shane always saw how much her face lit up at the sight of them. And now she had them, real genuine bunny jewel slippers, just for her! She gingerly pulled them out of the box, looking at him in complete awe, “These are mine?”
“Who else, kiddo?” Shane laughed. He kneeled down to her level, giving her a grand smile, “I mean, if you don’t like them I can just-”
“I do, I do!” Jas hurriedly confirmed, earning another boisterous laugh from Shane, “Just messin’ with you, Jas!... You like them though, right?”
“Yes yes, yes!” she squealed, holding the slippers close to her heart. Her smile dropped ever so slightly as a thought came to mind, “But… aren’t they super extra expensive? How’d you get them?”
Shane shrugged nonchalantly, “Yeah, I guess they were. But I cut back on an expensive habit! Got a lot more spending money now,”
Jas’ face fell further, her demeanor suddenly much sadder. She set down the slippers, holding her hands close to her, almost nervously. She had wanted to forget about that honestly, wanted that problem to not overshadow yet another happy moment in life. Shane frowned, picking up on the shift in her behavior as quick as ever, “You know… I’m really sorry about everything, Jas. Everything that’s happened; the fighting, everything I said and did. I know it’s hurt you, and I’m so sorry . You’re just a little kid, you shouldn’t have to deal with all these grown up problems,”
He sighed and folded his hands, setting them in his lap, “I didn’t say those things because I wanted to hurt you or aendi, I promise. It’s not your fault either, never was. My brain, it’s just… sick . It’s hard to explain, but it makes me feel sad and tired a lot,”
“Is that why you’re goin’ to a doctor?” Jas asked. Shane nodded, giving her a weak smile, “Yeah… I’m gettin’ help, real help, and you wanna know why?”
Jas raised a brow, seemingly skeptical of what would come next. In return, Shane picked up the slippers and held them up to her, “I’m gettin’ help because I need to be better for you, Jas. You deserve to be happy, and to have a happy, family. I know I’ve been breakin’ promises and that I haven’t been actin’ right. But you deserve better. And you’re allowed to feel angry, or sad, or scared about all of it. I won’t be upset at you for it,”
Jas slowly reached out for the slippers, feeling tears bubble at the corners of her eyes. She sniffled and wiped them away, speaking softly, “You’re not gonna go anywhere either…?”
“Nuh-uh,” Shane affirmed. He held out his pinky finger, motioning it to her, “I know it might be hard to believe me, but I really promise that I’m going to do better. I need to be a better dad to you, and I know I can be. Being there for you is the most important thing I can do… Someone showed me that today,”
Her dad. Shane actually, finally, referred to himself as her dad . Jas couldn’t believe it. Everytime someone had assumed so in the past he’d corrected them, and every single time Jas wished and prayed he wouldn’t. She just wished for once in her life that he would say “yes, I am her father,”. And finally he did. For the first time Jas truly felt like a proper part of this family, and it felt better than she could’ve ever imagined. Unable to contain herself any longer, she threw the slippers to the side, throwing herself into him as she sobbed. Shane squeezed her tight, letting her cry it out on his shoulder, “It’s okay, kiddo, just let it out…”
So she did. The two of them sat on that floor, holding each other tight, healing something that was terribly broken in that home. The loose ends had finally been tied together, and while not everything was fixed, the road ahead seemed less rocky. Jas could finally see and believe in a bright, happy future, one where her family was truly whole. One where everyone was loved.
Shane picked up one of the slippers that had been cast beside him, handing it back to his daughter, “Do you wanna try on your bunny jewel slippers now?”
AHHH SO EXCITED FOR THIS CHAPTER I missed their dynamic so much. We're getting close to the end, so we're gonna see things start to wrap up soon
CW- brief mentions of Shane's 6 heart event are in this chapter
Summary: With all the new changes coming about, none is more surprising than the fall of JojaMart and reinstatement of the Community Center. With the store closing, Shane starts to think more about Sam, and the impact the shutdown will have on him and his family. He then sees an opportunity to finally reconnect with him, and he can only hope Sam wants to do so as well
AO3 Version Here
Tumblr Version below the cut
“Find a new hobby, get yourself out there! Something’s bound to bring you that joy you’re looking for,”
Shane had been mulling over his therapist's words for some time, and only now was he heeding them. He supposed she was right, he did need a new hobby, something to keep his mind busy while he was getting through this stage of life. After multiple trips to Robin’s and thousands of G were spent, Shane thought he might’ve finally found his hobby after all.
“Can you grab me that mallet, Jas?... No, no, the little one,” he instructed, leaning down precariously from his spot on the ladder, pointing to the haphazardly piled tools on the ground. Jas used all the strength in her little arms to heave it up to him, her hands wobbling under the weight. She huffed in relief when he finally took it from her grasp, looking up to the large wooden structure he was building in curiosity.
“What’re you buildin’, Papa Shane?” she questioned. It just looked like a giant hardwood box at the moment, nothing all too special yet, but perhaps it could turn into something grand! Maybe a clubhouse for her and Vincent, or a playroom just for her! The possibilities were truly endless, her imagination running wild.
“Just a chicken coop,” Shane shrugged.
Or… just a coop. Jas’ shoulders slumped in disappointment. So it wasn’t anything too spectacular after all, just another farm building. The ranch had plenty of coops already, too, “Why? We got like a million,” she observed, putting great emphasis on ‘million’. Shane placed the mallet atop the ladder for just a moment, wiping the sweat from his brow, “I’m doin’ an experiment, need a space,”
An experiment! Now that got Jas’ little scientific mind excited. She gave him a toothy smile, suddenly leagues more interested in the project, “What kind, what kind?!”
“Well…” Shane flashed a grin of his own, “I think I’m gonna try to make a new kind of chicken. Maybe something fluffy, or a new color. What do you think, Jassy?”
Jas thought hard for a moment, “Make a blue one!”
“Blue, huh? How come?”
“It’s my faaaavorite color!”
“Didn’t you just say it was pink last week?” Shane questioned, raising a brow. Jas just folded her arms and tilted up her chin, giving him her most serious face, “I’m a complicated person,”
The sound of footsteps coming from town thudding on the frozen ground grew louder. Marnie sprinted towards the pair, hiking up the hem of her dress so as to not trip. The look on her face could only be described as frantic. She halted to a clean stop just in front of the coop, leaning against it to catch her breath for a moment. Shane couldn’t deny that it greatly worried him. He hopped down from his spot atop the ladder and placed a hand on her back, a concerned look resting on his face, “What’s wrong, are you okay?”
“Nothing’s wrong!” Marnie chirped, an almost laugh to her voice. She looked absolutely ecstatic, her eyes shining like stars. Shane hadn’t seen her this excited in years at this point. She looked as if she just won the lottery… and Shane secretly hoped she did. But what would come to be would be better than any lottery there ever was. She finally caught her breath, regaining her composure before sharing her grand news.
“Jojamart, they’re-!” she squeaked with excitement, clasping her hands together and holding them close to her face, “They’re shutting down, Shane! They’re leaving for good!”
Shane blinked in surprise, trying his very best to soak it all in, “No shit…” he breathed out, “How? Why?”
“That’s the best part!” Marnie exclaimed, “The Community Center, it’s open again! Someone’s been repairing it in secret and it’s beautiful!”
The old Community Center… Shane remembered it well. In his youth it was the prime spot for everyone in town, where many festivals were held and folks mingled. It was a cornerstone for the community in its prime, the pride and joy of its residents. He had fond memories of the place, mourning the day it began to fall into ruin. Though honestly, in the past few years he hadn’t given it much thought. No one had. It seemed the only people concerned about it were Lewis and Jojacorp. And the only thing concerning Shane in this moment was just one little question:
“Why are you so excited about it?” he finally asked, “I mean it’s great, fuck Joja, but… why?”
“That’s a bad word,” Jas scolded, giving him a pout. Shane silently mouthed a ‘sorry’ before turning back to Marnie, expecting an answer. Marnie tsked and shook her head, placing her hands upon her hips, “Don’t you get it? Joja’s pricing, it was making everyone shut down, have shorter hours… If they’re gone that meaaaans-” she motioned a hand outward, inviting him to finish the sentence.
It suddenly sparked in Shane’s mind, a look of realization on his face, “The ranch won’t be strugglin’ anymore?”
“Mm-hm!”
“Holy sh-... Wow that’s…” Shane breathed out, “That means you can hire ranch hands right? So you can have help again?”
“Well…” Marnie started, a sly smirk rolling onto her face, “I had another idea, actually! Follow me,”
She motioned for the pair to follow her inside the ranch, running in with joy in her stride. Shane and Jas exchanged a puzzled look before following her inside, finding Marnie digging around the shop counter for… something.
“I can get some employees, Yoba knows we’ll need seasonal help in the Spring,” she pulled open a drawer, a look appearing in her eyes that told Shane she found what she was looking for. She rummaged for just a moment longer before emerging from behind the counter, “But I think this might be better,”
She held out a thick envelope to him, goading him to grab and open it. Shane plucked it from her hands in caution, opening it to find a grand stack of money, what had to be thousands of G. His brows knit together in confusion as he looked back up to Marnie, “I… don’t get it,”
“It’s a paycheck,” Marnie explained, pushing the envelope closer to him, “Your very first one from the ranch!”
“What are you…?”
“I’m offering you a job Shane… And not just any job,” Marnie looked at him with pride, eyes crinkling in the corner as she smiled, “I want you to be my official business partner, co-owner,”
He stared at her in awe, mouth slightly ajar. He didn’t move an inch, almost like he’d been frozen solid. It… worried Marnie to say the least. Her smile slowly dropped into a nervous frown as she awaited a reaction. She thought he would be happy about this, but she just couldn’t read his expression, “It’s just… you’re already so good with the animals, and you help out so much already, you may as well get pai-”
She was cut off by Shane lunging forward to pull her in for a tight hug, Marnie yelping in surprise. Her smile quickly returned in just moments as she returned the embrace, “I’m guessing you’re excited?”
“Are you kidding? This is probably the best news I’ve gotten in years!” he pulled back and looked back down at the envelope in his hands, feeling woozy at the sheer amount of money inside, “And you’re sure about the money? It’s… a lot. More than I ever made at fuckin’ Jojamart,”
“Language,” Marnie warned. Shane scoffed in response, “Sorry, sorry… It’s more than I ever made at that fuckin’ place that shall not be named,”
Marnie rolled her eyes unimpressed, giving him a pat on the back, “Alright, alright… Are you excited, though?”
Excited was too weak of a word to describe how Shane was feeling. He was so overly ecstatic, giddy beyond belief at this turn in events. The community got its centerpiece back, he had a job he’d actually like, and Jojamart would finally get its claws off of the valley. Everything seemed to be changing for the better, not just for him or his family, but this entire town. Things were looking up, the future seemed bright. Everyone would thrive! At least, that’s what he thought until one little thought slipped its way into his mind.
“Wait… what about Sam?”
“What about him?”
Shane looked towards the direction of town, frowning, “The kid needed that job, too. What’s he going to do now? Not exactly many places to work here,”
“Oh, I still haven’t spoken to Jodi about it… The poor things, I know he was helping out at home,” Marnie put a hand to her cheek, a woeful expression taking over her face, “Have you talked to him at all?”
“No… not really since the concert,” Shane confirmed, regretful in his tone. He had come to realize how cruel he’d been that night, how much he had overreacted. Multiple sessions with his therapist gave him a new perspective on that night, a new view on Sam as well. He had every right to be angry, but talking to the poor kid that way was something that made him feel so embarrassed of himself. It was something he wished he could take back, but that wasn’t possible. There was no going back on that now. Perhaps he could try to reach out though, if Sam even wanted to see him.
“You know, the night when… everything happened… he went out looking for you,” Marnie whispered, almost as if she had been reading his mind, “Poor thing got sick from the rain, had a fever for days.”
“... I didn’t know..”
“I know you two aren’t on great terms, but he cares about you. Jodi says he sees you like a brother,”
“Hmm,” Shane sighed, pursing his lips. One thing was certain to Shane, Sam had an odd idea thinking of him as a brother. Of all the people in town to look up to, to care about, he chose him? Was there really no better option? No. He had to shake that kind of thinking. The self deprecation only made things worse, harmed his relationships. That was what his therapist had told him at least. And after all, if a good person like Sam looked up to him, how bad could Shane really be?
He just couldn’t help but feel guilty about the night of the concert though. He had been so hurtful, so needlessly cruel to the poor kid, all over an honest mistake. In all honesty, Shane had projected his own grief onto him, letting everything he’d bottled up overflow and burst out in a grand display of anger. And even still, after all he’d done, Sam was still there for him in his darkest moment. A show of true kindness and selflessness, one that made him feel ever so lucky to know Sam. And now he could be there for him when Sam may need it. Looking back towards town again, he quickly made a decision. Hopefully Sam was in the mood to talk to him after all this time.
A knock rang out on the Neilson family’s door, Shane standing outside with a nervous expression, anticipating what he would say, what he would do. How would he even greet Sam after all this time? Was there even a proper way to do so? The door suddenly swung open, a high-pitched creak accompanying it. Jodi’s head peeked out from the other side, a wide grin appearing on her face, “Oh it’s you! How are you feeling? Did you get the casseroles we made?”
“Hey, Mrs. Neilson, I just-” Shane looked around her, finding the house devoid of any other residents, “Is Sam here? I wanted to talk to him- if that’s okay,”
“Ohhhh,” Jodi mused, shaking her head, “No, you just missed him, actually. He’s got another concert in the city tonight, he and his friends are already setting up down there,”
“Do you have the address?” Shane asked, earning a smile from the older woman, “Of course! I was just about to take Vincent down to watch it too. You know where the Zuzu Concert Hall is, right?”
“Yeah, used to live by it,” Shane shrugged, “Concert Hall though, huh? That’s a huge deal, hard to book it,”
“What can I say? Those kids are talented,” Jodi was beaming with pride, absolutely basking in the praise her son received, “I wish his father was here to see it, he’d be so proud… I'm sure he'll be happy to see you there though!”
“Yeah, maybe…” Shane mused. Would he, though? Sam was kind enough, forgiving too, but what he'd done had to cross a line. He worried showing up might put a damper on the night, have the exact opposite effect he intended. But he would never know unless he tried… right?
“Can we go now?” A tiny voice piped up. Vincent appeared beside his mother, looking rather excited to get going. He grabbed onto Jodi’s hand, tugging on it impatiently as he hopped up and down. Catching a glimpse of Shane out of the corner of his eye, he stopped for just a moment, smiling brightly, “Hi Mr. Grumpy!”
“Vincent!” Jodi scolded in a harsh whisper. Vincent frowned, seemingly confused at her reaction, “What? That’s what Sammy calls him!”
Jodi looked back to Shane, rather flustered and embarrassed, “I apologize, for both of them. She looked back down to her son, more stern and serious, “You apologize too,”
“Sorry…” he whispered, suddenly more quiet and nervous.
“It’s fine, honest,” Shane tried to fight back a smirk, not wanting to counteract Jodi’s parenting. He threw up a hand quickly as a wave goodbye, “I’ll meet you both down there, then,”
“Of course! And Shane-” Jodi called out, watching the man stop in his tracks. She gave him a more melancholy smile, her eyes knowing, “You’re always welcome here. Just.. give us a call if you need anything, okay?”
“Yeah… will do..,” Shane affirmed, giving her a curt, sheepish nod before heading off towards home.
Another concert… and at someplace as influential as the Zuzu Concert Hall no less! Shane couldn’t help but feel proud of Sam. Seeing his venues go from an awkward little stage in a field to somewhere so prestigious was a huge deal, and one the kid should be proud of. It was something Shane felt was deserving of something special. Besides, it would be their first time talking in nearly a year now as well. He had an idea in mind, a wonderful one at that. He just needed to make one more stop at home before heading out for the night to help it come to fruition.
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The concert hall was buzzing with activity, the sounds of patrons' voices bouncing off the walls of the stageroom. There was much excitement about the concertgoers, old and new fans alike excited to see what was in store for the bandset that night. Sam still couldn’t believe how much success the band had come across, feeling ever so blessed for it. But even moreso, he felt nervous. He paced around the backstage, muttering affirmations to himself as he always did before a big show. He just couldn’t help but get worked up about it. He turned to Sebastian, biting his lip anxiously.
“What’s it looking like out there?”
Sebastian peeled back the stage curtain ever so slightly, scanning the audience intently. People were starting to file in, chattering amongst themselves as they waited for the curtains to draw back. Their families waited for them amongst the crowd, speaking proudly to the other patrons about the band’s members. It was faint, but Sebastian could just barely make out his mother and Maru’s voices among the others. They spoke so kindly of him, praising his talent, getting people excited for the show. Hell, they were even wearing band tees. He felt himself smile, a warm feeling welling in his chest. It was going to be a good night, a perfect night.
“It’s perfect, Sam,” he responded, flashing a grin to his bandmates, “You two ready yet?”
Abigail dramatically flopped back into her drummer's chair, an air of unmatched excited energy about her, “Been ready!”
“Sam?” Sebastian turned his attention to his friend, watching him fiddle nervously with his guitar. He knew Sam could get a little nervous at bigger venues, wanting so badly to leave a good impression on new and old fans alike. This was his passion, it was his art. It had to be just right. He finally grasped a pick tight between his fingers, letting out a deep breath in preparation, “Ready as I’ll ever be,”
The three got into position, Sebastian flashing a signal to a stagehand to let them know it was time to begin. The lights behind the curtain brightened as the ones in the hall dimmed, and the excited roars of fans rapidly grew to life. The sounds of their cheers and chants fueled the trio, the electric energy of it all flooding their veins. Watching those curtains peel open to reveal the crowd of fans made Sam’s heart swell with joy, and he found himself unable to keep that childlike excitement off of his face for long.
As he began to play, Sam could feel himself grow lighter. His mind and soul were transported to another place, a place of pure joy and passion. The strings beneath his fingers buzzed with energy, each chord he struck filling him with life. He was no longer just Sam Neilson, an ordinary boy from an ordinary town; he was someone special, he was a star. This was what he was meant to do, this is where he was meant to be. The roars of the crowd only confirmed it, encouraging him to play on. So play on, he did.
As the final song drew to a close, the trio basked in applause for just a moment, giving themselves a moment to take pride in their music, the effect it had on others. Sam scanned his eyes over the crowd, finding his incredibly proud mother looking at him with adoration, never once doubting her son's talent. Vincent stood beside her, hopping up and down in glee. Sam could swear he heard little shrieks of “That's my brother!” being chanted, bringing a smile to his face.
But when he looked to the back of the room, the glimmer of a stage light reflected off a camera lens, drawing his attention to its owner. To his surprise, he saw a familiar purple-haired man wearing a Goblin Destroyers T-shirt beneath a leather jacket, smiling away as he videoed the stage; Shane. Sam was surprised to say the least. He felt himself freeze just a bit at the sight of him, not believing his own eyes. But as unbelievable as it was, who else could it be?
Shane seemed to notice Sam had realized he was there, holding up a hand as a little wave. Sam held up his hand in return, looking past the camera to his friend, the warmest smile upon his face as the curtains slowly drew closed.
While other patrons filed out for the night, Shane had a mission to get backstage. Ducking and weaving between the concert-goers, he finally slipped behind the curtains and up onto the stage. Sam, however, was nowhere to be seen. The only people standing backstage were his two friends, the pair seemingly bantering back and forth.
Abigail leaned over her drumset, resting her head on her hand as she pouted.
"C'monnnnn," she whined, "We killed it tonight, they loved us! Why do you look so miserable?"
"I'm not," Sebastian muttered.
"Then why aren't you smiling?" Abigail smirked, leaning in closer, "Where's that handsome smile from my handsome boyfriend?"
Sebastian rolled his eyes, playfully pushing her aside with just a hint of a smile on his face, "You're so fuckin' corny, Abs,"
"But you love me~!"
"Yeaaah I guess so,"
“You guess so?!” Abigail gasped, mocking surprise and offense. The two stared at each other in silence for just a moment before breaking into smiles and laughing quietly amongst themselves. Sebastian ducked down to give her a quick kiss on the forehead, quickly returning to his keyboard to pack up.
Something about their conversation felt so… familiar to Shane. He couldn’t help but feel a nostalgic fondness at the pairs bantering, finding his own joy in theirs. But that wasn’t what he was back here for. He scanned the backstage to look for Sam, finally catching a glimpse of the young man strutting past his bandmates, disappearing through a door on the farthest wall. Carefully and quietly he followed him back, slinking through the door completely unnoticed by the others.
The stars were visible tonight in the city sky, a welcome surprise for Sam. He rested against the back wall of the concert hall, content to be alone with just himself and an old acoustic guitar. He strummed mindlessly, stringing together an odd melody as he stared off into the sky and reflected on the night. Everything had gone so well. It hardly felt real, if he was honest. His family was there, the crowd was massive, the show went off without a hitch… and someone he never expected to see again stood in that crowd. This felt like one of his dreams, the ones he used to have as a little boy where he was a world famous rockstar. Everyone knew his name, everyone adored him! In those fantasies the world was his, he was somebody special. He could hardly believe that the fantasy was becoming real in front of his very eyes now.
“Hiding from the lovebirds?”
Sam snapped out of his daze, looking up to see Shane standing just beside him. He found himself startled for just a moment before pulling his hand away from his guitar to pat the ground, signalling Shane to take a seat.
“Yeah, heh… Thought I’d give them a minute, I guess,” Sam shrugged, “They’ve been wanting a lot of time on their own, though… Kinda turned into a third wheel, I guess,”
“You’ll get used to it, trust me,” Shane scoffed, “Give it a month or two, things will go back to normal,”
Sam nodded, turning his head away ever so slightly, an awkward expression upon his face. Shane couldn’t deny he felt the same awkardness. There was still such an underlying tension to their conversation, one they wished would just go away. But it wouldn’t, not until they finally talked about it. But neither of them wanted to do so, neither were willing to rip off the bandage. Why risk souring this perfect night with such a heavy conversation?
“The music was even better this time,” Shane mused, trying desperately to pick the conversation back up, “Lot of improvement,”
“... Thanks,” Sam smiled, looking down at the strings of his guitar, “Had a lot of time to practice, y'know?”
“Yeah… yeah,” Shane muttered. The pair fell back into silence, one that made Sam feel even more tense. It was only getting worse, and all the thoughts he tried to push to the back of his mind only became more present. Thoughts about their friendship, thoughts about the past few months, all the unspoken words that just couldn’t remain that way anymore. Almost out of his control, he opened his mouth to speak once more.
“I'm really happy you're here, Shane,” Sam admitted. He tapped his fingers across the wooden body of his guitar, an air of nervousness about him.
“Me too… You three killed it tonight, it was g-”
“I’m not talking about the concert,”
“... Ah.”
“I didn’t think I was gonna see you again.” Sam mumbled, “It was scary, town was really quiet, everyone was acting off… I tried to come see you when you got home, but your aunt said you needed time,” he shrunk into himself, feeling an unpleasant feeling well up as he reminisced, “I think that's the most scared I've been in a long time,”
“I’m sorry, Sam. Really I am,”
Sam shook his head, “I should be sorry. I am sorry,” he huffed, “You know, for last time,”
“It wasn’t your fault, kid,”
“But I ruined that tape, the important one… And I didn’t even notice that things were that bad! I knew you were sad but I didn’t think…” he stopped, sighing pitifully, “I didn’t think it was like that… and I’m sorry,”
“You’re not responsible for the dumb shit I do,” Shane mumbled, “The dumb shit you do is another thing but… don’t feel guilty because of what I did,”
Sam wasn’t sure if he could, or why he felt guilty in the first place. He knew it wasn’t his fault. But his mind just couldn’t shake a feeling of responsibility. Sam felt responsible for so much.
He felt responsible for his mother and brother's happiness, he felt responsible for being the man of the house until his father came home, and he supposed he let that resonate in him over the years. Sam was responsible for so much that he had begun to feel like everything was his responsibility, even though it wasn’t. And that fact made it hurt that much more everytime someone called him childish or immature. But hearing this from Shane's own mouth was healing in a way. It lifted a weight on his chest that he wasn’t even aware was there until now.
“And listen-,” Shane muttered, “I’m sorry about what I said to you that night. You’re not stupid. I never should have called you that. It’s no excuse, but I was going through… a lot when that happened. It was the anniversary, I was at a low point… but I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry,”
“... You mean it?” Sam questioned, desperately wanting to believe him. Shane gave him a quick, confident nod, “Of course,”
“... Thanks. It means a lot,” Sam muttered, “Means a lot that you came too,”
“Didn’t want to miss another show. I’m sure I missed plenty already,” Shane huffed regretfully. He turned to his side, heaving the heavy recorder onto his lap for Sam to see, “Maybe this can make up for it though? I think I got the entire show tonight. Not the best angle, but it’s somethin’,”
“Didn’t you break your recorder?” Sam asked. He remembered that event well, how could he not? Even besides the argument that had been engraved into his mind, there were the physical reminders. Dents in his wooden floor where the recorder made impact, the occasional shard of plastic or metal bit rearing its head when he cleaned his room. Shane hadn’t even bothered to take the recorder with him after that, so how was it here, all in one piece?
Shane gave him a short, almost sarcastic laugh in response, “I was a film major, you think I only had one of these things?”
“Wait, wait… your major?” Sam asked, taking amusement in that fact, “No damn way, you’re lying,”
“I can show you my degree, kid, I’m serious,”
“Thought you would do something boring. Like… taxes or business or something,” Sam shrugged, flashing him a mischievous smile, “Didn’t know you used to be cool,”
“Don't you even start with that,” Shane scoffed, frowning in that same fashion Sam remembered him by. The man just shrugged in response, giving Shane a cheeky grin.
“I'm just saying it feels unlikely!”
“I mean if you don’t believe me I can just take this all home and-”
“Kidding! I’m kidding!” Sam interrupted, holding up a hand in protest as Shane got up. The older man laughed at his gesture, quickly sitting himself back down.
“So was I kid,”
He pulled the tape from its recorder, handing it over to Sam gingerly. Sam stared at it for just a moment, smiling when he saw the band's logo had already been sketched on with marker. It was perfect. He looked to Shane with a curious look, “I can keep this?”
‘It’s your show, why not?”
“It’s your tape, though,”
“It’s yours,” Shane corrected, pushing it lightly back towards Sam, “Keep it, it’s good to have memories like that. You’ll wanna look back on all of this someday,” he smirked, “You know, one day when you’re old and ‘not cool’ like me,”
Sam let out a short laugh and looked back down to the tape, feeling a little smile curl onto his lips as he held onto it, “... Thanks, Shane,”
“Keep it somewhere special, somewhere safe,” Shane mused, “Just make sure your little brother doesn’t get ahold of it and record one of his tv shows over it or somethin’, okay?”
“I will, I promise,” Sam affirmed. He looked Shane in the eye, noticing his friend's face seemed softer, kinder even. Shane looked happy, like the burdens of life had been falling from his shoulders with ease. He had seen old photos and heard stories of what Shane used to be like, how he was in a time long gone. Even still, he still couldn’t fathom that Shane was once much like himself, full of life and a love for it. But now he could. He could see it in his eyes, he could feel it in his heart, and oh how happy he was for that. As for Shane, he was just happy to sit there alongside Sam, to once more be able to call him his friend. There was still much to be done, more to heal. But it was a start, a new beginning.
In that moment the two didn’t think of their troubles, nor the rocky past they shared. All that mattered was they were sitting together, watching the stars and chatting the night away. Not as coworkers of acquaintances, but as friends once more.
"Moving Forward Spiraling Downward Chapter 18- To Be Whole"
So I know what you're going to say. "Moon you're on chapter 24 now, why are you posting chapter 18 again?" and it's because I reworked quite a bit of the first half of the chapter. Lookin back on it, I was *not* happy with how it turned out. In an attempt to balance the two difficult situations going on in this point of the story, I feel like I went too heavy handed on one side to the point some characters were being too insensitive and I really regret that. People can say awful things in moments of stress, but I didn't intend on it being that strong. Some of the dialogue felt like too much, honestly. I added a few lines and changed a few parts that I felt needed it, and I wanted to repost it on Tumblr with the changes too.
Summary: After the harrowing events at the cliffs, Shane finds himself truly working towards a better life. After starting the road to healing and beginning to confront his problems head on, Shane decides to put what he's learning into practice by finally making something right at home.
CWs include- brief mentions of injury, mental health issues, and allusions to the 6 heart event
AO3 link
Tumblr version beneath the cut
“You can do this … You need to talk to them,”
Shane had been standing outside the old farmhouse for Yoba knows how long now. All he had to do was walk up those stairs and knock, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t bring himself to face his friend. He was honestly terrified of what Möhle might say, how they may look at him. They helped him at the cliffs, sure, but did they want anything to do with him outside of that? Would they accept an apology? The only way to find out was by knocking that damn door , no matter how scary the idea of that was.
He barely made it up the first step when the door swung open, the wrong person stepping out to meet him. To his surprise Elliott was there, and oh how angry he looked. If looks could kill, Shane would've surely evaporated on sight. His face was almost as red as his hair, those green eyes bore into Shane’s soul, and contempt was etched into every inch of his face.
“You,” he muttered. The sound of it was enough to make Shane’s blood run cold.
“Elliott? I didn’t-... What are you doing here?”
“What are you doing here?” Elliott grumbled, stepping down to meet Shane, a fire in his eyes, “You have some nerve to visit after everything that’s happened, you know,”
“I just-” Shane cleared his throat, trying not to show just how nervous he was, “I just wanted to talk to Mo… Are they okay? Do they want to see me?”
“No. They don’t and can’t,” Elliott scoffed bitterly, “But I’m sure you know aaaall about that last part, don’t you?”
“I just need to get to the door, if you’d just-”
“Elliott "
The poet turned to see his cousin standing at the door, looking rather exhausted and disheveled. They were bundled in some warm, comfy clothes, hair messily pulled back from their face. They looked pale, tired, dark circles beneath their eye sockets. They looked awful. Möhle turned to glance at Shane, and he could swear he saw a sort of sparkle forming in their eye at the sight of him. It only lasted half a second, but gave Shane a sort of confidence. Maybe they did want to see him, despite their cousin's insistence to the opposite. They quickly turned back to Elliott, “Can you give the two of us some time? Alone?”
Elliott opened his mouth to interject before Möhle repeated themself, “ Please, Elliott,”
He nodded and turned back to Shane, giving him one last glare before he walked off, finally leaving Shane and Möhle on their lonesome. The two stared at each other for a long moment, the wind turning still around them. Shane forced a smile, “It’s nice to see-”
Möhle held up a hand for just a moment, stopping him mid-sentence. They then stepped aside, silently motioning an arm to the doorway to show him he was welcome inside. He didn’t expect that for sure, but it made him feel just a bit better, if he was honest. Slowly he made his way up the staircase, feeling his heart beat harder with each step. He barely had a moment to step through the doorway before he was pulled into a tight hug, entirely unexpected, though not unwelcome.
“I’m so glad you’re still here…” Möhle whispered, their tone just melting Shane’s heart. It was genuine, full of so much relief. He returned the embrace, feeling his anxiety wash away in just a moment, “Was it that bad…? I honestly can’t remember too much of it,”
That much was true. That night was a blur to him. He could only remember bits and pieces, very few clear scenes remained in mind. All he knew for certain was that it was incredibly serious, serious enough for him to finally have made up his mind on something very important.
“I just wanted to come and tell you I decided to go to therapy… Harvey got me in touch with a good counselor and I started today… Just got off the bus, actually…”
"Yeah." Shane responded. He fell into silence, staring down at the floor as he just let his friend hold him in the embrace.
“... Is that all?” Möhle asked.
He looked up to face them, seeing that gauze patch still sitting over their eye, the sour feeling of guilt tightening in his core, “No… I also wanted to apologize for… you know,”
Möhle suddenly pulled away, greatly increasing his anxiety. Mere minutes into the conversation and he’d already upset them. He was certain they’d ask him to leave now. But to his surprise, Möhle was just moving to sit at the table, imploring him to follow. He sat across from them, staring down at the wood grain on the table, entirely too embarrassed to look them in the eye. Every time he saw that patch it just made him feel worse and worse .
“You know… it’s not as bad as it could have been,” they mused sadly, “Harvey was able to save the eye, he’s a damn miracle-worker,”
“So it’ll be fine?” Shane perked up at the thought, feeling a glimmer of hope about the situation. Möhle shrugged, giving him a slight grimace, “Maybe? He doesn’t think I’ll be able to see much out of it once it’s healed. It won’t be the same anymore,” they gingerly placed a hand to the patch, “It’s… been hard to adjust to. I’ve had a hell of a migraine since the fair,”
“I can’t even tell you how sorry I am, I didn’t know it was you, I would’ve never done that if I-”
“I know that,” Möhle interrupted, suddenly seeming much more bitter, “I don’t want or need excuses. I know you didn’t do it on purpose... But it still happened, Shane. You still hurt me,”
Shane tried to respond, but Möhle wasn’t letting that happen. They held up a finger and stood their ground. In the past they would have been a pushover, would’ve let themself get talked over, act like this was all okay. But not anymore. Now, they would let themself take up space. They’d be strong, “I’m not done. It has been so hard, Shane. I’ve been dealing with this, my farm, helping with Jas and your aunt's ranch so she had time to sit with you, doing things for the community too. All the while I have Harvey and Elliott lecturing me every ten minutes for not taking it easy and resting, and I've been worried sick about you!"
“Möhle , I-"
“And do you know what all of this means for me? I can’t do anything the same anymore. Foraging, journaling, drawing, everything that makes me happy isn’t the same! I have to readjust and change how I do things, and it’s because of what you did ” they sounded on the verge of crying, getting more upset with each word, "A-and I feel like an asshole for being upset with you because of what happened!"
Shane hung his head in embarrassment, soaking in every word. He would give anything to go back in time, to change the outcome of that night, but he knew he couldn’t. His actions were irreversible, unmendable, and he’d have to learn to live with that.
“But you wanna know what...? I was so, so happy to see you walk up to the house,”
Shane furrowed his brow, finally having the courage to lift his head and look at his friend. Möhle ’s eye was glossy, a grimace on their lips. They shook their head and laughed bitterly, “As upset as I am, I… I’m just really happy that you’re alive. I'm so mad, but I'm so happy you're here, with me,"
“Möhle , I -”
“You fucked up , Shane. But I’ve known you as long as I can remember. I’ve got plenty more good memories that outweigh the bad.” Möhle mused, looking off into nowhere as they ruminated, “I’ll stop being angry at you one day. Not today, but… one day. And I’d never hate you ,”
“Not ever?”
“Not ever,” Möhle confirmed. They exhaled dramatically, looking down towards the table. Their hand was so close to his, a mere inch away from touching. Shane took a bold approach, placing his hand atop their own. Möhle just stared down blankly, their expression cold and vacant. Shane sighed and finally looked them dead in the eye, “Thank you. For being so understanding,”
“... Of course,” Möhle droned, their voice quiet and unconvincing. The front door opened once more, Elliott stepping through the frame. He looked to his cousin, a softness in his eyes, “Is everything alright?”
“Yeah, yeah…” they huffed, “He was just telling me somethin’ important,”
“Was he now?” Elliott turned back to Shane, his soft expression melting away back into the stone cold, chiseled face he was used to. Shane quickly turned back to his friend, “I should go.”
Möhle pursed their lips for a moment, “You don’t have to-”
“Goodbye,” Elliott interrupted.
Möhle shot him a glare for just a moment, turning back to Shane with a more sympathetic look. They went to continue their so rudely interrupted sentence, but Shane just stood up, giving them a short nod, “Can I see you again soon?”
“... Sure. Sounds good, Shane,”
He nodded quickly in response, turning to walk out of that farmhouse with an overwhelming awkward feeling in his chest. Before he could make it down the stairs, he heard the door slam closed and a hand falling on his shoulder. Jumping, he turned to see Elliott standing there, holding him in place.
“I’m goin’, I promise -”
“Stop. For one moment just stop ,” Elliott instructed. He exhaled deeply, shaking his head, “I don’t understand what they see in you, why they let you in.”
“They said they were glad to see me, they-”
“They were trying to be kind!” Elliott snapped, whispering as to not garner his cousin's attention, “Do you know how bad they feel being angry at you after what just happened? Do you understand the guilt they’re feeling?”
“I just-”
“But I don’t feel guilty, not at all.” he stated resolutely, “I am livid with you, and I think I’m the only person not afraid to say it. I'm so sorry about what happened to you... But I don’t want to see you, and neither did they. Möhle has a hard time turning others away… especially you , for some reason.”
“.... I’m sorry,” Shane apologized, trying his best to sound genuine, “I really never meant to hurt them,”
“Whether you meant to or not doesn’t matter when they are hurt.” Elliott huffed. He removed his hand from Shane’s shoulder, “You should leave. Now.”
“I-”
“Go.” Elliott repeated.
Shane had never taken Elliott as the threatening type. He was tall, muscular and toned, but Shane never found it scary. From what he had seen the man had been a melodramatic soul, maybe even a bit foppish and vain. But now? The man terrified him. His looming presence and those angry green eyes weren’t something he could forget easily. Nodding, he finally took his leave, feeling Elliott’s gaze burn at the back of his head as he made his way to the ranch.
Stepping back into his home, Shane found his aunt cleaning the foyer, entirely not realizing he’d come home yet. A broom in her hand, she was off in her own little world, eyes trained on the floor in front of her. She hadn’t realized he was there until she swept up onto his foot, quickly looking up at him and grinning, “There you are! How was the appointment?”
“I don’t know, it was weird.” he grumbled, shoving his hands in his pockets. Marnie just gave him a smile in response, “It’s always weird at first… but what’s important is that you went. I’m proud of you,”
Shane perked up just a bit at hearing that, that someone was proud of him. He let himself smile just a bit, loosening the tension in his muscles. When he thought about it, yeah, he did do something to be proud of. He started likely the scariest journey of his life, and for once didn’t run away from his problems. He was open and honest, vulnerable with a professional, and he confronted Möhle after all that had happened. Yeah. He was proud of himself too, honestly.
"I, uh... Also stopped to see Möhle," he added, "It went... Honestly I don't even know,"
"What do you mean?"
"They're... So mad at me," Shane sighed, "They're happy to see me, but pissed, and they don't want to talk but also let me in. I don't know how to feel, or how they feel,"
"... I think you're both struggling, and it's hard to know what you want during that," Marnie noted. She tried to give him the most empathetic look possible, "They'll come around one day, I know it. This past month has been difficult... I think they just don't know how to process it yet,"
"Yeah... Me neither," Shane mumbled.
He turned towards the living room, frowning when he saw Jas’ door still shut. She had barely left her room since he’d gotten home just a few days ago, barely spoke a word either. Seeing her holed away in there instead of being out and about or heading to tutoring was upsetting to say the least. It wasn’t like her, and he knew this needed to change. Maybe he could convince her to do something, to get out into the world for a bit. He took a step towards the door, surprised when Marnie suddenly outstretched an arm in front of him. She gave him a wince, a knowingness in her eyes, “She’s still trying to come to terms with all of this… Maybe you should give her some time,”
“It’s been days, though, I-” Shane huffed, “I don’t want her hiding away like that. I’ve done enough of it myself to know it makes everythin’ worse,”
“I know, Shane… But she needs time. She’ll be her happy self soon enough,” Marnie explained. She gave him an encouraging smile before getting right back to cleaning. Shane was still not convinced everything would be alright, though.
He looked at the clock on the wall beside him, frowning at the realization it was well past 12. It was Tuesday, Marnie should've been off to Pierre's to meet her ladies group hours ago. So, what was she still doing here at the ranch?
"No ladies group today?" He asked. Marnie looked up and halted sweeping, giving him a shrug, "I… didn't think it was appropriate to go today,"
"What? Why not?"
"After all that's happened, it feels... wrong to do something fun," she admitted, an embarrassed look on her face, "I didn't want you to think I wasn't taking any of this seriously,"
Shane's heart panged just a bit. Marnie loved the Tuesday aerobics sessions at Caroline’s, she loved her friends. And because of him, she was staying home from something that brought her such joy. He wasn’t going to allow that. She’d given up enough for him already. He shook his head and reached for the little bag that hung by the door, the same she brought to every session, "I think you should go,"
"Oh Shane, it's-"
" Please don't do this because of me. Go have fun, aendi."
Marnie stared at the bag, hesitating for only a moment before finally taking it from her nephew's hands, a small smile forming on her face, "Call if you need anything, okay schatz?"
Shane gave her a quick nod, stepping aside to allow her to walk out of the ranch. Marnie gave him a happy wave before running off, trying desperately to make it to the old general store before the group disbanded for the day. Shane once again found himself on his lonesome from here. He didn’t mind it now, however. Something about the silence after such a morning was peaceful. Between forcing himself to be vulnerable and open with a therapist, confronting Möhle , and dealing with Elliott, he was exhausted from the social interaction required of today, even if he was proud of himself for it. He desperately needed to unwind already.
Opening the fridge, he pulled out a Joja Cola. wincing at the metallic taste of the drink the moment it hit his lips. How the hell did anyone enjoy this shit? Sam always raved about how good it was, often having a can in his locker at work. But this is what he enjoyed? He supposed it was better than alcohol, and soda was a good alternative his therapist had suggested just this morning, but it was still such awful schleck. He closed the door, hearing the thud of the jars in the door as the latch closed. Shane turned to walk away, but immediately stopped in his tracks when something caught his eye. Nearly hidden behind all of Jas’ drawings, bills, and family photos was a small, faded calendar. It was October 3rd now, but that wasn’t what was important, nor what caught his eye. But just six days prior was a very special day: Marnie’s birthday.
His heart immediately sank at the realization. He’d been in the hospital that entire week, unconscious for most of it. The thought that Marnie had spent her birthday at his bedside to ensure he was alright made him feel sick. She would always brush it off, but Shane knew well that it was so important to Marnie, she loved to feel special and cared for, loved to be celebrated. And this year, she hadn’t gotten that chance, all for his sake.
There had to be something he could do, something to be done while Marnie was away, a surprise perhaps. But what? He sat at the table, ruminating over the possibilities. He could bake something, but everyone knew the best thing he could make was soggy microwaved pizza. There was no time to hand make anything either, and while Marnie always said he did a good job, he knew his crafting skills were borderline abysmal . And any good store with something she’d like was too far from here to make a trip in time. He was completely stumped, but he needed to do something. He wanted to do something.
He was startled by a sound at the window, a little bird landing on the sill just in the left corner. A brilliant red cardinal tapped its beak on the glass, staring at him almost knowingly before looking to the side. He blinked slowly, looking to the hutch just next to where the bird was staring. Up on the highest shelf was a small cardboard box, its contents he was well aware of. Gingerly, he picked it up from its spot, hearing the clinking of porcelain inside. The old music box that had shattered months ago now sat inside, merely shards of painted glass now. He knew how much it meant to Marnie, to have such an important keepsake to cherish. Remembering how his negligence resulted in its destruction panged at his heart. But he was going to make it right. Fixing this might’ve been just what he needed. He placed the box down on the table and looked back to the windowsill, seeing the little bird had disappeared into the expanse of Cindersap by now. Part of him couldn’t help but feel disappointed at that. Something about it was comforting, gave him some sort of peace. Oh well, he had much more important things to focus on. First of all, fixing the old curio cabinet he’d been asked to work on months ago. It sat in the foyer, empty and broken still, a reminder of how he had disappointed her. Hopefully he could turn it into something much more positive. All he had to do was get to work, and be fast.
---------------
For the first time in a long while, Marnie felt content on the walk back home. There was a bit more pep in her step, she stood taller, more confident too. Maybe going to see the ladies group was just what she had needed today. Containers and pans were stacked high in her arms, all gifts from her friends at the group. They were all yet another batch of meals and casseroles, a gesture that Marnie greatly appreciated. In tough times the women in town often came together to prepare meals for those going through it, and this time was no exception. Despite how difficult things were, Marnie felt loved by her town, and that was all she could ever ask for.
Fumbling for the door handle, Marnie stumbled her way inside. The lights were on, illuminating the foyer in a soft golden glow. It felt peaceful. It felt like home. Placing down the stack in her arms, Marnie could finally see what was waiting for her. Shane stood still in front of the old cabinet, a hint of a smile on his face, anticipating her reaction to what he had done. Marnie tilted her head just a bit in curiosity, “What’s going on?”
Shane stepped to the side, unveiling the completely refurbished curio cabinet. It was beautiful, polished to perfection and re-stained. As much as Shane put down his own craftsmanship, he had made it look even better than new. Marnie put a hand over her mouth in surprise, slowly making her way to it, placing a hand on the broken shelf, finding it to be sturdy now. She turned to her nephew, finding him smiling just a bit wider.
“Did you do this?”
Shane nodded in response, stepping next to her to admire his work as well, “Finished it while you were out. A little overdue but it should work now, right?”
Marnie didn’t respond, simply taking in the gift. Most shelves were already filled with heirlooms and trinkets, all except one. Shane was saving the best for last, after all. He lifted the little cardboard box from the shop counter, moving it to where Marnie could see, “And I was thinkin’... maybe we could fix this?”
Marnie cautiously took the box from his hands, inspecting the tiny pieces of glass sitting inside, “Then why don’t we get started?”
And so they sat, mending what was broken in more ways than one. They were mostly silent, the only noises coming from the clanking of porcelain as they piece the figure together. Though no words were spoken, their minds were full of what they wanted to say. The two of them hadn’t had a proper conversation about it all since he’d come back home. The time just didn’t feel right. Everything felt too tense, it was just too soon . But now, perhaps, the time had come.
“Did you mean it, when you said you struggled too?” Shane finally asked, cautiously looking at Marnie. She put down a piece she’d been working with, giving him a confused look, “What do you mean?”
“You know. When you said we struggled with the same… problem?” Shane couldn’t bring himself to state specifics, feeling far too awkward to talk about it more than he already had to today. Marnie seemed to get the gist, thankfully. She cleared her throat and nodded, suddenly looking solemn, “Yes. I did,”
“Why did you never tell me?” Shane asked.
“I already told you wh-”
“It would have helped,” Shane huffed, “If you told me from the beginning, things would be different. Every time we argued about it, it just felt like you were lookin’ down on me. I felt judged and I think… that’s why I didn’t listen to you,”
“... I didn’t think about it that way, I guess,” Marnie mused sadly. She turned her attention back to the broken pieces in front of her, gently joining them back together again, “I think both of us could have handled this better. Especially me. I’m sorry,”
Shane thought for a moment, trying to find his words, trying to not lash out. Finally, with a sigh, he spoke, “If I could have known that… I think I would’ve been able to accept help. I’ve felt so alone, but knowing that now, I feel better about it all. All of this feels doable, because-,” he looked Marnie in the eye, resolute and serious, “-it means we’re a lot more alike than I thought… and if I could end up being even be half the person you are, I’d be someone to be proud of,”
“You already are,” Marnie assured.
“You don’t need to lie,”
“I’m not. ” Marnie stated resolutely, “I am proud of you, Shane, and you should be too. I’m so proud of how much you’ve grown over the years, how you’ve been able to survive this,”
“Just barely ,”
“But you still have. You’re strong , stronger than you give yourself credit for,” she smiled sweetly, “You are someone to be proud of. You are a treasure and a gift, and everytime someone says your name it should remind you of that,”
“Yeah, yeah, ‘Gift from Yoba’, I know,” Shane scoffed. What a joke it was. He still didn’t exactly believe in his namesake. Marnie chose to ignore his sarcasm, “Whether you believe it or not, it’s true. I hope you see that one day,”
Marnie tookthe last broken piece from the bin, cautiously attaching it back onto the music box, finally making it whole again. For the first time in months it stood tall, the figure of the dancer atop it finally in one solid piece. Leaning back to admire their work, Marnie couldn’t help but feel just a bit emotional. Shane looked at her out of the corner of his eye, seeing her eyes grow glossy as she stared on.
“Are you okay?”
Marnie nodded shortly, keeping her gaze on the heirloom in front of her, “It’s just… nice to see everything put together like this. Thank you for doing this, Shane,”
“Yeah… you’re welcome,” he mused softly. Shane felt his smile drop just a bit though, finding something very specific drawing in most of his attention. The cracks along the surface, tiny beads of glue sticking out between the misaligned edges, it made it look so… imperfect. He huffed in frustration, “I wish I had listened to you before. It wouldn’t be broken like this if I did. It wouldn’t look like-...”
“Like what?”
“It just…” Shane limply motioned towards the figurine, “It looks like a mess . Don’t have all the pieces, not everything fits together. It’s not perfect anymore,”
“No, it’s not…” Marnie mused. She gingerly lifted it from its spot, holding the fragile porcelain in her fingers, “It’s a bit messy, even looks a bit funny now, but-” she smiled once more, a softness growing in her heart, “What matters is that it’s whole. A lot has happened that led to it breaking, but it’s in one piece again. It’s put back together… just like this family, if you think about it,”
“I guess it is,” Shane muttered, watching with hitched breath as Marnie placed the figure back down in its place, only allowing himself to breathe when the figure proved to remain in one piece. The name painted onto the base glimmered in the foyer's lights, as did the glass of the photo frame hanging on the wall above them. That old photo inside had always been cherished by Marnie, the one of her and her sister as young women, smiling and having the time of their lives as they posed for the photo. They looked so happy, entirely ignorant to all that would come to be. But that wasn’t all that Shane noticed, not at all. He noticed how… different Mona looked. At least, how different she was than he remembered. He had always envisioned her looking just like Marnie, just with his eyes. But in reality, she looked much, much different. She had green eyes, yes, but her hair was a deep, dark auburn, her face longer and thinner. She was perhaps just a bit taller than Marnie as well. It was confusing, to say the least. Even when he had seen her again, she looked nearly exactly like his aunt. But perhaps what he saw wasn’t real, wasn’t the truth. Perhaps, in reality, it was because he saw Marnie as his mother. Mona was very dear to him, but most of his life had been under Marnie’s care. She was the one to raise him, to teach him right from wrong, comfort him when he needed it most. Over the years his mind just blended the two of them together, unable to suppress the image of Marnie when thinking of his mother. All he could think of now was that night he had seen Mona again, and the important message she had asked him to send along.
“You did a good job, y’know, with raisin’ me,” he started, “I’m really glad you were there for me. So is momma,”
“I … Thank you,” Marnie whispered. She felt herself tense up just a bit, growing emotional at the sentiment, “I don’t always feel the same about myself, but… that’s nice to hear,”
Shane suddenly looked nervous, huffing softly before continuing on, “Do you remember the conversation we had back when I got fired from my cleaning job? When Jas was a baby?”
“Oh, no , it’s been so long…” Marnie mused regretfully, “Why?”
“I remember I asked you if… if you would’ve let me call you mom when I was little,” he felt his chest tighten with each word, the nervousness overtaking him, “You never gave me an answer, and I just wanted to know-... Is it-... Can I..?” he sighed, unable to find his words. They were stuck in his mind, but he simply couldn't articulate them. Marnie could tell what he wanted to say even still, pulling him in for a tight, comforting hug.
“Of course, Shane,”
Shane slowly melted into the embrace, smiling contentedly for the first time in who knew how long. He felt lighter than he had in a long time, a weight slowly lifting from his shoulders the longer he sat in that embrace.
