#mi cw

[asterlove]

oh my god my databases II prof just personally sent me an e-mail asking if I want to be a databases lab assistant next semester because I got a 1 in her class and a 1.7 in databases I

this would be such a great opportunity to put a job on my resume and also earn some money & generally make a good impression and I should be estatic, but there’s a few problems:

-my anxiety is already sending me into complete freakout mode (what else is new) but I have to learn to deal with that if I ever want a job 

-I’m not sure how good I’d actually be at bringing my knowledge across & I know how important it is to have a good lab assistant who knows their stuff and can also do that... ppl often ask me to explain stuff & it does seem to help them but that’s only a few things and not the entire class material & the majority of their success in the lab doesn’t hinge on me when they do that if they’re not very good at the class, which would be different if I was the assistant bc I would be the only one there for lab preparations and I don’t want to do that to someone

-I definitely think I’d be too soft-hearted to fail someone, which I know you have to do because there are people who just don’t do their work and/or don’t understand the material at all and would benefit from a second time taking the class or taking the class with a different prof, but I also know how terrifyingly heavy the workload is if you take all classes, especially during that semester and can’t help but empathize

-the last two points are basically: idt I’m cut out for teaching

-idk if I could balance it with my own workload bc I’m aiming for 4 labs of my own, so at least 2 labs a week which take many, many hours to prepare, and I don’t want to risk another breakdown

[asterlove]

me: hey, brain, let's do some old exams so we're prepared for the last final tomorrow? no pressure, this isn't the actual exam, we can still look stuff up, this is what this is for!

my brain: nah, I'd rather panic all day and make your hands tremble and sweat, also I heard you're a big fan of white noise instead of actual thoughts

me: :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) this is fine :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

[asterlove]

come on brain, please cooperate so we can finish the databanks lab for tomorrow, u can panic about the project we have to present on thursday and still haven’t documented properly or even finished later

[captainmcbabygirl]

honestly the only thing it feels like is keeping me alive anymore is taking care of oppie. I wish I had never gone back to school.

[asterlove]

I was in the middle of writing a waaaay longer post before I realized that it had gotten a bit too personal (which is saying something considering all the oversharing I do on here lmao) so I’ll just narrow it down to:

opening yourself up to people hurts but not doing that also hurts and I honestly can’t decide which pain is worse so I just keep fluctuating but right now the only thing I believe is “the only person you can ever truly trust and rely on is yourself and attempting to do otherwise will only result in you getting hurt, as has been proven to you time and time again and all of your attempts at convincing yourself that this isn’t true just show how pathetic you really are” and I just really, really hope that in a few years I will not believe that anymore, because this is hell

oh wait, there was also a second point to that post:

fuck forgiveness

[asterlove]

I took the day off from doing uni stuff even though I’ve got 3 finals next week, starting monday, bc I felt another major breakdown coming on and if I did try to work today it may or may not have happened, but if it did I might as well not show up for all of my finals and I know that taking a day off SHOULD be enough to get me through next week at least (we’ll worry abt the 2 finals in the week after that starting next friday)

and I know that cramming in the few days during/inbetween finals has worked very well for the first 2 semesters (even though it feels absolutely horrible) bc I know like 95% of the stuff already, that’s what all those labs during the semester are for (if u do them on ur own ofc, or at least make sure to understand everything if u don’t) and showing up to every single lecture and paying attention like I always do and I just need to refresh it/do a lot of excercises/ old exams so I am in the right mindset to answer questions

but I still wish it didn’t have to be like that and that my anxiety with its constant “you overestimate yourself completely, you were just lucky and this time you will fail and disappoint everyone and they will see you for the incompetent fraud you are”, no matter how much I accomplish, would fuck off (and that uni would give us an additional week between the end of lectures/labs and finals bc I have no idea what they were thinking when they thought up this shit)

[asterlove]

mi cw

I really, really wish I wasn’t like this, though

like, objectively I KNOW that my grades are usually way above average and that I am good at languages and grasping things pretty quickly and that I can achieve a lot, not through talent (bc I’m certainly not talented when it comes to maths or programming lmao), but through pure determination and spite and hard work

and like, people have literally said to me “you are good at this” and “you are so intelligent” and “HOW did you understand that? I want to be in your head” (which, lmao, no, you don’t, trust me)  and I’m not trying to brag or anything, this is verbatim what people have told me & my parents constantly tell me how proud they are of me and that it’s okay if I struggle

and yet every damn time my brain is constantly like “well you were just lucky” and “you can still fail everything and disappoint everyone you know” (which is why I get so embarassed if I don’t get sth right away, ugh) and “everyone else is so much better than you, they have way more experience and talent, why do you even try” and “nobody else is struggling as hard, only you” (and other, more general anxiety bs which I don’t want to reiterate), it’s like the “perfect” combination of impostor syndrome through anxiety and being a woman in a STEM field which means there are lots of actual patronizing assholes who don’t believe you can achieve anything & proving them wrong is part of what keeps me going, but it’s so easy to give in to those thoughts, even while writing the two previous paragraphs I struggled with my natural instinct to put myself down constantly

and even though I objectively do know these things I wrote in the first two paragraphs it still doesn’t stop the horror visions of fucking up my entire life because I came so close to this actually happening that I know it’s a distinct possibility because I also never know when and how my depression will completely fuck me up again, as well (as I said, double the fun...) and I’m just so tired of constantly being on edge

and even now my brain is like “maybe I am faking all of this, how can those problems be real if you know what they are, you’re just a whiny, self-centered asshole” etc etc, which also doesn’t help

tl;dr I am constantly fighting against my own brain and there is nothing I want more in the world than just to win this batte one day because it is so, so exhausting

[asterlove]

me: ah what a nice, calm evening

anxiety: :) guess who's here :)

me: nevermind