Michael Scherer is baaaaaaack with the first two GOP debates
0 minutes. You have waited long enough, flipping the channels, hoping, praying, replaying the memories. It’s been 1,018 days since the last presidential debate. 1,018 lonely, agonizing days since the last time you really knew who you were, what this country could be, the joy of televised democracy in action. But that’s all about to change. “It is debate night,” says Fox News anchor Bill Hemmer. Welcome back, America. The healing starts now.
1 minute. There are graphics with stars, hues of blue and red, little sparkly explosions. This one is special, live from a Cleveland basketball arena that fits 20,000 fans. Not one debate but two, not two hours but three, not 10 candidates but 17. The anchors welcome the first Republicans to the stage, but instead of fanfare and relief, something is horribly wrong. There is silence, emptiness, sadness, as if an evil spirit is haunting the stage. Former Hewlett-Packard executive Carly Fiorina looks uncomfortable. Sen. Lindsey Graham smiles, in a lonely, brave way. When Texas Governor Rick Perry is introduced, a few people far away offer a golf clap. Maybe six people smack hands for former New York Gov. George Pataki. Then the wide shot shows the culprit: Fox News never filled the arena. There is no audience.
2 minutes. Onward anyway. To Perry, a.k.a. Governor “Oops,” who will finally have his chance at redemption, with bold glasses and no back pain pills. “You recently said that four years ago you weren’t ready for this job,” Hemmer says. “Why should someone voter for you now?” Perry has waited for this moment, prepared for it, visualized it in his mind. Redemption is nigh. He begins: “After those four years of looking back and being prepared, the preparation to be the most powerful individual in the world requires an extraordinary amount of work.” That doesn’t make sense. The world is cruel. No one deserves this, let alone an Eagle Scout.
10 minutes. Someone named Jim Gilmore is on the stage too. He claims to be a former governor, attorney general, prosecutor and Cold War spy. The fact that no one has tackled him yet suggests he is who he says he is.
11 minutes. Topic change to Donald Trump. More than 26 million mentions of him on Facebook, “some of it good, probably, some of it bad,” says Fox anchor Martha MacCallum. Some of it, you could assume, are rapists.
14 minutes. Jindal and Graham try to outdo each other with bold ways to take the Islamic State. And Jindal hits all his points, fluidly, with perfect sentences, but his voice is nasal and distracting, with strong hints of Southern Muppet. This takes the authority out of lines like, “We’re going to take the political handcuff off the military.” Graham is just terrifying. “They are coming here just as sure as I stand here in front of you,” he says of the bloodthirsty enemy.
17 minutes. First commercial break, with spots that hit the demo of people who actually watch 5 p.m. debates live instead of reading snarky summaries online. Polident denture glue. Prevagen brain vitamins. Metamucil, which makes you poop.
21 minutes. More muscular talk about taking on Islamic terrorism. Everyone is tough. Everyone has experience. At one point this guy Gilmore interrupts to get in a word. Whoever he is, he is not a bad debater.
37 minutes. This is not going to work. These debates will last three hours, 180 minutes. You have already read 1,000 words, and we have just begun. You love debates, you love our democracy, you love our country. But you love to click away too. Don’t lie. You do it all the time. There are technologies that monitor your behavior. You will leave this webpage before long. You will return to your life. Emergency action must be taken. The summary will be summarized.
50 minutes to 67 minutes. Santorum says the Supreme Court’s same-sex marriage decision is like the Dred Scott decision, which found blacks could not be U.S. citizens, before it was undone by a constitutional amendment. A commercial for gold and silver coins. Pataki says he hates abortion but is pro-choice. Perry pantomimes holding the bottle of Wite-Out he will use on President Obama’s executive orders. It is the size of a small gopher.
68 minutes. The moderators are going over time. Graham gets personal. “When I was 21, my mom died. When I was 22, my dad died,” he says. “Today, I’m 60, I’m not married, I don’t have any kids.” He is defending Social Security but it sounds so sad.
69 minutes to 80 minutes. The moderators ask everyone to describe Hillary Clinton in two words. Almost no one uses two words. “Good at email,” says Perry. Closing arguments. And we are done. With the first part. Now comes the main event. Get a cup of coffee. We are just getting started.
33 minutes. After a commercial break and some more immigration talk, Walker explains again why he changed his mind to oppose a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants. “I actually listened to the American people.” By American people, he means Republican primary voters. In a recent NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, 47% of the country supported a pathway to citizenship, 17% supported some other legal status, and 32% supported deportation for undocumented immigrants.
80 minutes. Kasich gets applause for saying that he attended a gay wedding, and would love his daughter just the same if she was gay. This is a big shift from the 2012 cycle, when a gay serviceman was booed for asking a question about gay rights.
92 minutes. Huckabee is asked about transgender rights in the military. “The military is not a social experiment,” he says. “The purpose of the military is to kill people and break things.” A lot of dark places you could go with that logic.
106 minutes. The closing statements basically continue the pattern. Rubio is the best at delivering his. Huckabee is funny. Trump is self-promoting. Bush is slightly awkward but passable. Carson brags about all the brains he worked on. Walker sounds disingenuous. “I’m a guy with a wife and two kids and a Harley,” he says, leaving out the fact that he is also a governor with personal security. But the bottom line, this is a strong Republican field, much stronger that the people who filled the stage in 2012.