#michaela gets personal

[halliewriteshockey]

Update on my life, because it’s been awhile

I pulled back a lot since last year because of everything that happened with that person who’s still convinced I stole her name. She hasn’t come after me in a while, so I’m gonna get a little vulnerable.

2022 was a really bad year. Really bad. I had two surgeries and four hospitalizations, and my 18 year old was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which explains a lot of the meltdowns and spirals and crashes. After two years of him being in and out of the hospital, with the bills to show for them, and the PTSD for all four of us living with him, my sister in Texas offered to let him come live with her.

It’s been a difficult adjustment period but he’s doing better and it’s undeniably financially and emotionally easier without him here. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen soon enough for us to make it out of the hole and I owe $3000 in rent from March and April. On top of that, I got a new manager who doesn’t like me and has been trying to fire me since January, so the stress of that, along with finances and my son’s issues have made it impossible to write.

In December, I applied for a job that would solve the worst of our financial issues. I got all the way through the incredibly intensive vetting process, including a background check, polygraph, and psych eval, only to be told last week that they were “proceeding with other applicants”.

I’m honestly expecting to get an eviction notice any day now. I’ve applied for help everywhere I can, I’ve looked into every option out there to help with things, but the worst part is I technically make too much to qualify for assistance with most programs, even though every penny is going to rent and living expenses and medical bills with nothing left over.

So that’s the bad news. And it’s really bad. Getting denied for that job after four months of jumping through the hoops they demanded of me was devastating. But I’m not giving up. I have an interview next week with a hockey team and I’m applying to others in the meantime. I will find a job where I’m happy, fulfilled, and making ends meet.

I’m also writing Simon’s book, finally. Finding traction has been really difficult but I’m getting better at shutting everything else from my mind and just getting words on the page. I’m hopeful it’ll be done soon; I know a lot of people are waiting for it and I really appreciate your patience and understanding.

I’ve been trying to be more active here, too. I miss you guys and the relationships I had here and I want that back. So I’m here, and I’m still alive, and if I go down I’ll go down swinging. I’m not done yet. ❤️

[halliewriteshockey]

I’m supposed to be on a date with a pretty girl right now 💔

[halliewriteshockey]

Post surgery update:

Mostly I feel like I had my insides scooped out with a dull spoon but I’m home and recovering in my own bed so that’s good.

Some highlights from yesterday:

Two nurses fighting over me

“I’ll take her”

“No I’ve got her”

“NO SHE’S MINE”

One of them brought me a little fan and I said, “oh, you’re trying to be my favorite”

Her: “hear that, JJ? I’m her favorite!”

JJ: “TRYING to be. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE”

When I met the anesthesiologist, he asked me to open my mouth so he could check my airway and then said, “you have a really spectacular airway, has anyone ever told you that?”

Once I was in the OR, the technician put the oxygen mask on me and told me to breathe deeply. After a few minutes, he said, “you’re doing really well!”

Me: “well I have it on good authority that I have a great airway”

From across the room, the anesthesiologist: “IT’S TRUE SHE DOES, you should look at it, dude, I’ve never seen such a good airway”

Don’t speak to me unless you’re complimenting my airway from now on, thanks

Jokes aside, I’m doing well! In a lot of pain, obviously, but my kids are taking great care of me and I think I’ll recover quickly 😊

[halliewriteshockey]

Health update under the cut (with details, be warned)

So I had a hysteroscopy yesterday for the IUD that was embedded in the uterine wall. That’s where they fill the uterus with saline and dilate the cervix so the surgeon can get in there and pull it out in a minimally invasive procedure. I had to be put under for it, and when I woke up, the surgeon informed me he got half of it but the top half (it’s shaped like a T) was so eroded into the wall that it broke when he pulled and it’s still in there.

Basically right now we’re giving it a few days to see if my body will accept the foreign body or if there was so much movement and digging in the area that it’s rejecting it. Based on the cramping and misery of the last week, I’m not terribly hopeful but we’ll wait and see. 

If the cramping and pain continues, then it’s rejecting it and I will need a hysterectomy to remove the entire uterus. Which I’m weirdly okay with - I’m sure as hell not using it anymore and I hate having periods, so like, if it comes to that we might as well.

In the meantime, I’m off work for at least a week to recover and doing my best not to think about the fact that I’m not getting paid during this time. 

And now it’s time for a nap (again)

[halliewriteshockey]

Sorry I haven’t been around much lately, y’all. Things are still really difficult financially, we don’t have A/C in the house and there’s a heatwave, and I’m able to work a full 40 hour shift now but it takes it out of me so I don’t have much energy for anything else. I miss you guys and I’ll be back when I can

[halliewriteshockey]

Can you be homesick for a place you’ve never been?

When I was fourteen, my brother came to visit. I adored this brother to an alarming degree. One might even call it hero-worship. My pen name is the female version of his name, chosen when I was thirteen, which should tell you all you need to know.

Mike was twenty years old and in the Army at the time, just graduated boot camp. That meant he did a lot of running.

And that meant when he offered to take me running, I agreed without hesitation.

I should point out that I have never been athletically inclined. Even before my health got bad, I never saw the point of running unless something was on fire. I was certainly not on speaking terms with the ability to run a mile.

It was a disaster two yards in. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep up the (very slow and easy) pace he’d set, but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want him to think I was weak, after all.

Mike stayed with me although we might as well have been crawling for all the progress we were making. And as we ran, he talked. Telling me how well I was doing, correcting my posture so it was easier for me to sustain it (to this day I lightly hold an imaginary dime between thumb and middle finger when I’m moving fast). Occasionally he jogged backward as I struggled along. I know the snail’s pace chafed him, but he didn’t mention it. Instead he just kept encouraging me, urging me on.

And when the encouragement stopped working, when I was just too tired to try to make him proud and I gasped, “I can’t,” and tried to stop, Mike growled in the most terrifying drill sergeant voice I’d ever heard, “HALCYON,” and out of nowhere my feet kept moving.

That’s the only time in my life I've ever run a full mile without stopping. It wasn't pretty and Lord knows it won't break any records, other than maybe slowest mile ever run, but by god I kept going.

Because of him.

I’ve been working to move to the PNW for the past eight years. I couldn’t even start saving until a year or so ago, but I’ve never lost sight of that dream. There’s something about the huge trees and the constant greenery, the branches dripping from a recent rain, that settles my soul in a way few things have ever done. I want more than anything to live within a day’s drive of the beach, to walk the paths under the redwoods and listen to the birds calling to each other over my head. I want the cool weather. I want the rain, God I want the rain so badly.

And now I have no lease locking me in Texas. All my belongings, my entire apartment; it’s all packed and ready to ship. I could go right now.

But it’s not that easy. My ex won’t let me take the kids without a fight. He thinks he can somehow rebuild a relationship with his daughter like she hasn’t witnessed firsthand the way he’s treated me, like she hasn’t comforted me as I sobbed through a panic attack after yet another confrontation with him, like she could ever forgive him for the things he’s said to and about me.

He won’t let the kids go even though they both desperately want to be with me (no matter where that is). Nearly fifteen and seventeen and he won’t let them make up their own minds.

So I’m taking matters into my own hands. I’m finding a lawyer who can fight him for me. I’m not letting him win this time like I have for the past twenty one years.

And my brother’s voice is what I hear in my head now every time I think about giving up. Every time I think "god this is too hard it would just be easier to stay and not fight" I hear him growl "HALCYON" and I want to sob “I can’t do it,” but my feet keep moving. Because there is no doubt in my brother’s mind that I can do this, even when all I can think is that this is the worst idea I've ever had. Because if he believes in me, then maybe it's for a reason.

If I win this battle, it will be because someone believed in me so thoroughly, so unflinchingly, that it’s never even occurred to him that I might not succeed. And I’m not going to prove him wrong.

I’m going home.

[halliewriteshockey]

I’m sitting in my bedroom with my children busy in the living room getting my little “party” ready for me. They’re laughing and teasing each other. I’m watching hockey with not one but two kittens making themselves comfortable on top of me and a vanilla chai next to me.

Happiness exists, and right now, for me, it’s this moment.

[halliewriteshockey]

Some anonymous and very lovely soul just bought me a Ko-fi, and asked if I’d be willing to post the link more prominently, since the last mention of it was buried deep in my blog a few years back when things were so bad.

I want to preface this by saying that no one needs to feel they must do this, because I do have a little savings and a bit of breathing space on my existing credit cards.

However, the move plus the cost of shipping my belongings plus the cost of an attorney to make sure I’m able to have custody of kiddos is gonna... wipe me pretty much out, it’s true.

So IF you feel moved, and you can spare it, buying me a Ko-fi would help, (or you can just send anything directly to my Paypal, which is [email protected].) Please DO NOT give me anything if it will cause you financial stress in any way. Only if it’s something you’re able and comfortable doing. But thank you, in advance. And I do genuinely love you all.