#mine:deancas

[rahullkohli]

What would you like? I’d like my money’s worth. Try explaining a life bundled with episodes of this— swallowing mud, swallowing glass, the smell of blood on the first four knuckles. We pull our boots on with both hands but we can’t punch ourselves awake and all I can do is stand on the curb and say Sorry about the blood in your mouth. I wish it was mine. - Richard Siken (2004)

[rahullkohli]

spend my days locked in a haze trying to forget you, babe i fall back down gotta stay high all my life to forget i’m missing you

[rahullkohli]

ok so the finale never happened because it was trash but 15x19 did. so dean patters restlessly around the bunker. he washes and does checkups on every car and motorcycle in the garage. he organizes the books and the kitchen. he reads books every night because he can't sleep, and when he does he has nightmares. sam keeps nagging at him to relax, and eventually dean decides to drive. and he drives and he drives and he drives. he drives around for over a week, a new town every night. new motel room where he drinks himself senseless until he falls asleep. until one day he finds himself on jody's doorstep and he falls apart about everything that has happened. not just in the past couple of months, or years - but his whole life. and then she tells him she knows someone he should meet. so dean falls asleep on her couch absolutely exhausted. the next day jody introduces him to her friend; a therapist who knows the truth. and dean ends up checking into the mental facility the therapist runs. a small, private place where the other patients and staff also knows the truth. at first dean is apprehensive about the whole thing, and group therapy definitely isn't his jam yet. but he's there because he has tried everything else and he is at the end of his rope. there's a hole in his chest and it keeps gnawing itself bigger. so he sits in group quietly listening to what the other tell about their experiences, and struggles to say anything in private therapy. he sticks to himself and promises jody to do better whenever she comes by to visit. the drugs help him sleep but the don't take the nightmares away. one day in group therapy he is fumbling with his stimming toy, a soft ball he rolls around between his fingers, when someone - a retired hunter - mentions that one time they got help by an angel in a beat up old car. and the dam breaks. dean shatters into a million pieces. and that's the break he needed; so he starts talking. to therapists, in group, even to the other patients in the common room. he makes friends, and even finds himself cracking a joke one evening. but the hole in chest is still gnawing away. that is until dean has been in the facility for 73 days, and his reading is interrupted by one of the others telling him he has a visitor waiting on the bench in the yard. weird, he thinks. he doesn't have plans with jody or sam or donna or anyone. but he slips on a flannel and boots before going outside. "hello dean." amd just like that, the hole in his chest seems to shift.

[rahullkohli]

i can't stop thinking about them being on a hunt, taking down a vamp nest, or a bunch of werewolves, or something else that runs in packs. and dean and cas have just gotten together, so they're in that stage where everything is new and exciting, but it also means they're much more aware of the dangers the job poses to each other. and they're fighting, and there's blood and claws and teeth everywhere, and they're on opposite sides of the battle. and sam is there, maybe even donna and jody, or garth too. a bunch of hunters versus and bunch of monsters. and both cas is just focused on getting his part of this job done, when he suddenly hears it. in his mind, it's dean whispering to himself "please don't let cas get hurt, please don't let cas get hurt. i've only just gotten him, please don't let me lose him now." and it ticks something in cas. so his sole focus is to get this done so he can get back to dean. but of course he's rattled, and completely taken aback that instead of dean turning off his head and acting on instincts like usually in battle, he's there thinking of, literally praying for cas not to get hurt. so the monster catches cas off guard and it's a whole big deal of dean storming from end of the field to the other, chopping off head before falling to his knees to check on cas. and dean cups his face and cradles him in his arms, kissing the top of his head, going "how the hell could this happen? why weren't you focused? you blink and they get you!" and it opens for the news that cas can hear dean praying when they're in battle and it's awkward, but eventually they find a way to use it to their advantage instead of a liability.

[rahullkohli]

cas and dean going on a date to an aquarium and when they walk around holding hands in the dark tunnels where octopi and jellyfish float around over their heads cas whispers to dean about the creation and evolution of these fascinating creatures that he witnessed himself but all dean sees is the sunbeams streaming through the water and dancing around his husband's face and the light playing in his eyes ok this a fic i have to write ok bye