#minerva meta

[minervadashwood]

Not usually a thing I share, but I'm really in love with this week's halloween stickers in my planner. The bat is my fave.

[minervadashwood]

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[minervadashwood]

for Reasons, I have to watch a few twd eps that I hate because they involve torture.

i'll be real with y'all. I have watched seasons 1-4 about a bazillion times, but everything after that I have seen only twice. I've never watched anything past season 9. some of those season are so cringe (both writing-wise and gore-wise), I loathe to revisit it. I'd rather make up in my head what happens. 😅

(like i don't hate the antagonists or anything, but i hate the stuttering character development, the development of relationships that end just for melodrama, stuff like that)

[minervadashwood]

i have norman reedus posts that date back 8 years. i don't remember any of these. they're in my #hot-dudes tag. lmao

[minervadashwood]

figured out why the writing was so hard.

i'm on my period.

and psychiatric medicine doesn't work when people are on their periods. (because the medicine was only tested on people with penises and balls, i guess???)

(i'm on 4 meds: trazadone, celexa, buspar, and wellbutrin)

anyway. the S T R U G G L E.

i'll be better in 5-7 days, i guess.

[minervadashwood]

i need to talk to myself about my fics. Do not read this if you don't want to be spoiled for any of my series. i may make this private, but for now i don't mind sharing. i need to get out of my head and the prospect of others reading/commenting helps me do that. (not that i actually expect a comment lol).

few things in the world are more boring than listening to me ramble about writing.

writing scars and stitches is giving me a lot of anxiety lately. it feels like i have a dreaded graduate school paper due on a novel I hated. but i don't hate the story. i love it, i love the way i've written the characters, developed them, developed their relationships. i like the freedom in exploring facets of all of them. i love how they all react differently to the same set of circumstances. i like the changes to canon i've made because they just feel more real to me.

the overarching issue is my perfectionism, which thankfully is not nearly as bad as it used to be. but my perfectionism usually makes me give up. I don't want to give up.

that's the overarching problem, the specific problem is that, mechanically, i want the story to do too much at this point. I want it to be everything, but no single story can do that.

one cause behind this urge is that since the relationship is established and going well, there has to be other sources of tension/conflict. for two weeks i tried to write tension into the relationship (daryl being too protective and distant mostly), but those chapters always felt wrong. they made my story so heavy, when i want it to be light. i want reader and daryl's relationship to certain and solid, something they both can depend on no matter what.

still, reader needs some growing pains. this is all in service to get her closer to Rick, because I need that friendship solid before the prison. I want reader and Rick to be as close as he and Daryl are in the show. (Rick and Daryl will still be close, only now reader will be included). When it comes time for the Woodbury arc, Reader will basically be Rick's diplomat/negotiator, while Daryl is his right-hand man. Basically Rick's the heart, Reader's the brains, Daryl's the hands.

So I need reader to be in a place where she is okay with Rick killing Shane and with Rick taking complete charge of the group. I need her to support him when the others don't. Daryl will too, but my focus is on reader. I am working toward that even now, but I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope. Post-farm, it'll hopefully be back to fluff and friendship building in the social way.

I need to give myself the same patience I would afford anyone else. I definitely need deadlines; I'd flounder without them. And I need to write everyday for the routine of it. I suppose I need to accept that I will feel anxious for a while. I've never written anything as emotionally mature as this story, so it's only natural that it's challenging.

Reminder to self: when in doubt, write the dialogue. Dialogue comes easiest to me, and it will let me gain confidence before I work on the harder stuff.

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i feel very happy with the omegaverse fic so far. i have some major plot points, and i want to totally avoid repeating myself, so most show events won't happen on the page.

I thought of making Jesus transmasc, but I'm too worried I won't get the physical details right. So cis man he will be.

I have this metanarrative going on about two packs becoming one, the Dixon pack + the Grimes pack, and Reader holding them together. Jesus could be part of that glue, too, especially if he really cares about merle. I'm thinking of theirs as an open relationship, fully committed to each other, but still having sex with other people. It'd be really fun to play with his character being in the quarry group from the start.

i also had the idea of reader running into rick at a convenience store, pre-apocalypse, and have them physically drawn to each other, but of course neither would act upon it. later i see Reader ignoring any attraction to him, but Rick struggling whenever they're in heat and trying to avoid them during that time. The idea of reader having two mates would not occur to any of them at first.

still, i don't want to make any unshakeable plans for that story. it's very much going to be making it up as I (we--if people keep making suggestions) go. and that is such a counter to what s&s is. I think i need that freedom.

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actually making these stories has taken them out of my bedtime comfort stories, so i have to find another one up and refuse to write a word about it.

[minervadashwood]

it is almost 6:30 am, and I haven't been to sleep yet.

I can't stop writing/thinking about fanfiction.

this is one of the things about adhd hyperfixation. i want to be asleep. i need to be asleep. but brain just won't transition. i'm stuck in the mud (it's sexy daryl mud, but still!).

maybe i'll end up staying awake half the day. i do that sometimes.

[minervadashwood]

I just woke up from a 4 hour nap.