#mini personal rant

[gamerwoman3d]

Maaaaaan I almost had it out today.

I go to the library to scan my nightcrawlerhausens works. The big copier was out of order. The scanner station, which is OLD and a little noisy was the only one available. The scanner station and microfiche viewer are right next to the disability computer. Cool.

Librarian R-- gives me a passcode to use the scan station CPU. I was gonna ask her for help, BUT security was dealing with an unruly patron in the lobby. So R--

is keeping an eye on the unruly guy, and I'm keeping one eye on him too, and then the unruly guy snuck in through a side door by the lobby. R-- intercepts him, and unruly guy tries to intimidate her. Security rolls back around and gets involved and unruly guy finally leaves. Meanwhile I'm fumbling to setup the scanning computer because this damn thing is ancient, windows 7-ah "unable to generate viewing tray" gray pop up stone age stuff.

No manual but I finally figure it out just before R-- gets back to the references desk. THEN some rude old dude from some rude old country comes to sit at the disability station and stare daggers at me like I wore a thong bikini into a mosque or something. I ignore him and go about my business. Soon as I get the first scans done and I'm looking at the digital files to see if anything needs rescanned, he gets up, comes over while I'm not looking (sneaking up) interrupts loudly and says "HOW LONG YOU BE HERE? I NEED TO USE THE PRINTER!"

I said no this isn't a printer it's a scanner, R-- can help you print. And he said "No, I need to use THAT. FOR DISABILITY PAPERS. " And pointed at the scanner. R-- gets involved and explains that the scanner doesn't print but he insists he MUST use it for disability. I look at R-- and say Okay, I'll just go, I can come back. Gimme just one second to get my files saved. He is HOVERING over me until I log out. Soon as I log out, he gets all comfy at the disability CPU station (two stations away from the scanner- the microfishce station between us.) R-- gets up and comes over and is like "Ok sir I can help you log into the scanner now!"

"Oh i don't want to use the scanner. I just didn't want her using it. I need to use the disability computer. The scanner is just loud."

R-- and I exchange a look and I say OK I'm leaving.

I went to the front, filled out a slip, it read "hey can we move the disability cpu away from the scanning station the proximity is causing a disabled patron a problem today ask how R-- helped" but boiiiii you don't know how close a man came to losin' a nutsack today.

The library is for everyone.

So you had better be fuckin' sincere that the problem was the noise. I am wrong for giving you the benefit of the doubt in this situation because you were staring in an intimidating manner, hovering over me, and literally blocking me from using public resources on purpose - that your ass wasn't ever even gonna use. But I'm asking the library to accommodate yo ass in the future just in case it IS a problem for other disabled folk if the ONLY disability computers are next to the microfiche and scanners. So you best be sincere that that was an actual problem.

Because if I find out later that it wasn't a problem, that the actual problem was with my big fat tiddies taking up space doing something that doesn't involve washin' your motherfuckin' dishes, I will fuckin' fistfight a motherfucker for my right to use the fuckmothering library equipment that I helped pay for with the taxes from the work I did wearing pants.

I was already on edge because of the last guy sneaking in and acting threatening to R--. You sneaking up behind me trying to control what I'm doing in a public space just so you can get a lil more comfy? Nah. Gtfo.

No mames.

[jojoeyo]

Mini personal rant about repression

This may sound silly, but I’ve only just come to accept that I’m actually a really romantic person. Grant it, I don’t really like traditionally romantic things, and I think most romance/romantic comedies are boring. But then I’ll also read a 16 chapter fic, memorize the lyrics to a love song, and daydream about soft moments. 

I never had any good role models growing up, and having a social disability makes things confusing. My parents often fought or just didn’t interact with each other. Traditional romance was thrust upon me and I was expected to enjoy it because I presented female. My mom tried to force a dream of France in me, even though she knew I was more into countries like Egypt and Mexico (which didn’t in any way backfire into a weird resentment of anything French for several years >__>). So I rejected traditional romance. 

I ended up repeatedly falling in with people who also rejected the traditional narrative. But me being a natural romantic, I would occasionally roll out with something heartfelt and serious and get met with a resounding “wtf, Eyo??” Shame made me curl in.

Admittedly, I haven’t had much luck in love. I’ve been in several toxic relationships, some of them good. I’ve loved my partners, but I’ve never actually gotten far enough to fall in love with them. But it doesn’t mean I don’t dream. 

It’s weird to think about how flustered or angry I can get when cheesy/romantic things are even brought up around another person. It’s a defense mechanism. The first step to correcting something is recognizing there is a problem. Life is too short not to enjoy things. Even though I struggle with that daily, I strive to enjoy things in their full, weird, flawed glory. Including something as cheesy as love <3

[gamerwoman3d]

"Ewwww, you're fujoshii?????"

"That's EMPRESS Fujoshii to you, peasant."

[gamerwoman3d]

The moment I knew I was doomed to be "down bad" for this man was the moment I first saw the promo art.

It wasn't this one, I think it's the one that is used as his icons in the tower. It was like seeing a photo of old crush because he WAS an old crush.

I started falling riiiight about here - he moves like my old crush, sounds like my old crush, and it was less like seeing a photo of an old crush and more like SEEING your old crush again.

But the moment I was "down", the exact instant when I got "Down Bad" was right here.

I'm as down as that dinner table.

K.O.

[gamerwoman3d]

The "Walk."

Video by Jalynne Dutton

It isn't just that it's "knee" bends as it "steps" forward: It's that you can also see her "hands."

To give you an idea of what I see/sense when I look at this: Here's Gramaw.

Now. I don't want to stir up anymore "Native American Legend = Dead Man Walking Tornado" misinformation. I will say many native cultures believe that storms are intelligent "Entities" of some sort that can be spoken with and reasoned with. Some don't believe the same. Many believe there are spirits in the sky and that storms are either part of that spirit, a spirit of its own, or are caused by a spirit (such as Red Horse or Thunder Spirits / Frog Medicine.) And some natives even do believe that "If you see a man in a tornado you are about to die" because they were taught as much, but taught so after someone with authority came into contact with that misinformation and co-opted it.

But to believe there are spirits, entities, beings, or even "man" in the clouds/in the sky/inside storms/inside twisters, is not a set of beliefs that are totally outside of the scope of all native belief systems.

I for one think if you *sense* an entity in a storm, you should take cover. If it feels like the storm is watching you, if you get that eerie feeling, just get underground. Even if you don’t believe in spirits or supernatural things, understand that That feeling is produced by neurochemicals, and those neurochemicals had about a billion more years of "experience" with surviving natural selection at any point. So listen to that feeling, because the ancient people that didn't develop that neurochemical reaction to bad storms probably didn't survive and reproduce like your ancestors did. Trust your neurons.

Part of a larger series- Edited Jalynne Dutton video clips also shown at link below.

gamerwoman3d

Source: New York Times

[gamerwoman3d]

Hey. Y'all wanna hear some crazy talk?

This will probably be the deadliest tornado season on record for the Bible Belt.

Texas is on fire with over a million acres burned. El Niño is on a weird downturn dropping blizzards across California and Colorado. Hot air plus cold air equals big boom. And that's just the science part of it.

CONTENT WARNING: mentions of Death, murder, natural disasters, related to hate crime, references to spiritual practices

The spiritual part of it? Asshole colonizers killed an all-black wearing two-spirit Choctaw kid in Owasso named Nex Benedict.

I'm not going to be surprised if tornadoes rip apart the bigoted governor's house. I'm not going to be surprised if Owasso is ripped off the map. I'm not going to be surprised if that one Senator has to deal with funeral after funeral and a state of emergency for the rest of his term. I'm not going to be shocked if the resultant economic downturn collapses the political power of the red states, and I'm not gonna be surprised if we get a second dust bowl outta this.

To top it off, there's a new twisters film in post production. The first twisters film came out during a weird spike in tornadoes as well. It's like the collective unconsciousness of the artistic/filmmaking world knows what's about to happen.

Now. I do not speak for all natives. As for myself, and some other natives - a tornado is not just hot air plus blizzard air. It's a person. It is an entity. We can talk to that entity, and it talks back. And my understanding was a lot of those entities wore black. A lot of those entities came with more than one spirit. It's possible to have a "family of tornadoes."

One little problem- someone just prematurely sent an all-black wearing Choctaw two-spirit back to the sky.

I don't even know them. I don't have any reason to believe that the spirit of that innocent kid might be vengeful about what happened. But I got a pretty good handle on what the ANCESTORS probably feel about that.

A kid like Nex is a gift. They can understand both sides of the gender divide, can solve problems and make medicine that no other type of person can. Owasso was blessed to have them around - if you believed in a great spirit then you'd know that the great spirit PERSONALLY sent that gift to your community. Rejecting Nex was an act of rejecting the great spirit.

Someone sent that gift back to the sky.

Don't be shocked if the sky is angry.

During certain crises, many natives believed that some ancestors went into the forests to turn into animals in order to feed the starving people when there's famine. Other spirits may go into the forest to become fire, and into the sky to become storms, when there's war. Currently, one million acres of spirit life just left for the sky - ancestral spirits no longer there to feed the people who are hungry, but who went to join the great spirit and the spirit warriors dressed in black on a warpath in the sky.

Over a million acres of Texas just burned. Smoke is how the ancestors carried prayers up to the sky where the great spirit resides. The sky is absolutely chock full of their angered prayer smoke, smokey spirits wearing black.

The sky kept telling me: This is a war. They killed the wrong kid. The ancestors will not listen to anyone who buries the hatchet this year - no true native would try to stop it from happening, because they would know the importance of the gift of a two-spirit in black clothes. They would know the importance of the gift of the animals in the forest that are their own kin relatives. They would know something is wrong, for all that to be in the sky at once, and they will know to take cover from it.

If you aren't familiar with a hatchet burying ritual, don't worry about it. It won't help you right now anyway. The sky has spoken, and believes that no one who is a true native would bury the hatchet in this instance. Man wearing black is out for blood. Move. Get out of its way. Get underground. The houses aren't safe.

It's going to be bad.

A note to natives wondering who tf I am - I don't claim to be part of a tribe but I have o-gah-pah and other tribal ancestry. Some of my non-native ancestors assisted john ross and john watts in hiding native children from the feds in white neighborhoods when shit got bad. You don't have to listen to me - listen to your own elders. Listen to your own wildlife. There are no birds in the photos of Texas wildfires for a reason. If you see them all flying the same direction, try to keep up.

[gamerwoman3d]

Liu Kang made everybody hot AF when he reset the timeline and if Lilotty's mods are to be believed he also made all the men hung like 🐘

[gamerwoman3d]

Adults exist today that grew up in the store.

They don't know that life exists outside of the store. They were born in the store, they grew up in the store, they work in the store, and they will die in the store.

This must please the store owner.