GENRE. angst with a bit of fluff at the end, overal this is pretty sad
CHARACTHERS. miran ( miranda huang ), huang family
TRIGGER WARNINGS. slight depressive thoughts, mentions of drinking, mentions of smoking, arguing and yelling.
SHANGHAI, CHINA 2014
When Miranda woke up, she was more surprised to see her brother standing in front of her than having spent the night on a bench in some random public park.
She furrowed her face once a light of sunlight came in contact with her eyes, blinding her for a few seconds. Slowly she sat, moving her head a little to look up at him. Lisandro had both arms folded over his chest, observing her clumsy movements with a stare that she knew to perfection. Full of disappointment. That kind of looks tend to not affect her when they came from other people, but he made her feel uneasy.
When he stared at her that way Miranda wished she had a time machine to go back in time and fix every mistake that ended with that look on his face.
“Get in the car.” He said in his typical calming voice.
If she didn’t know him so well she could swear he wasn’t that angry, but his clenched jaw and the way he stirred the fingers of his left hand gave him away.
Lisandro was like that. As angry as he was he would never raise his voice. At least not to her. Miranda was his beloved little sister. It didn’t matter how little was left of that image in her; she would always be his beloved sister.
She got up from the bench and followed him. Once inside the car she greeted Mr. Minghao —the family driver— with a slight handwave, before the men could return the gesture Lisandro pressed the bottom to close the window that divided the back of the car, leaving both siblings in an uncomfortable silence. The car started moving minutes later and Lisandro begun the conversation.
“Explain to me how you ended in a park almost at the other side of the city” He spoke in spanish, surely to prevent Minghao from understanding,
Truth is, Miranda didn’t know how she ended in that place. She didn’t remember much about last night actually, as far as she could recall she was at a club she went to more often than she likes to admit in front of him.
She hated clubs, but it was the only place where she could drink until losing track of time, with music so loud she couldn’t even hear her thoughts, and full of people who didn’t care who she was or what she did. It was so easy to get lost there. And she likes that, she likes it so much she believes that place has become her safe zone.
But it was momentary.
Everything good in her life was momentary.
The next day all she was left with was a hangover and an intense desire of coming back.
“I don’t know.”
“I left a meeting because my assistant told me a co-worker called and told him he saw an unconscious girl who looked a lot like my sister. I was so scared of going there and finding you de—“, he stopped right away not wanting to finish the word “I don’t even want to think about it”
There was again the blame eating her alive. She bites her lip looking everywhere except her brother’s eyes. She couldn’t answer.
Miranda will be lying if she didn’t say deep down she craved that ending. Maybe that’s one of the main reasons why she acted so recklessly without caring about the damage she inflicted in herself, hoping that if she keeps going one day everything will be over.
“I’m sorry, it won’t happen again”. She replied more than anything to reassure him.
Lisandro took her hand between his and gave her a small squeeze. Her response didn’t fully comfort him, he was still deeply concerned. But that’s how things work between them. Miranda fucks up. Lisandro gives her a talk. She apologizes, he accepts the apology. And they leave it there, until it happened again.
Miranda Huang was lost.
For years she’s been struggling with a series of mental illnesses that made her life feel like a task she had to carry out. It used to be easy to deal with, she had the full support of her family, therapists ready to help her get over it, and a life ahead to heal at her pace. But as she grew older she realized most of her improvements didn’t last long, no matter how hard she tried by the end of the day she ended up in her room crying until she fell asleep.
Slowly her desire to continue trying vanished. What was the point of wasting her energies on something that didn’t work after all?
She was aware of how privileged she was, that’s why she didn’t want other people to know the real thoughts going through her mind, she was scared of being seen as an ungrateful brat who’s always miserable. Miranda was a skilled actress; she attended drama classes for years, that’s why she decided to start using several techniques offstage to project a more likable image of herself that could please others.
Miranda got so used to faking her emotions that she almost couldn’t remember the last time she felt something real that wasn’t sadness.
“We should leave,” she said, approaching Xiaowen´s hear so he could hear her above the loud music.
Xiaowen was something like her boyfriend could be said. Both attended the same high school and during their senior year, the boy confessed his feeling for her. Miranda accepted despite feeling nothing for him, but she hated being alone and he could give her company. Anyhow, Xiaowen seemed to be me more in love with her money and her face than her actual persona.
“Eh? You wanna leave so fast? We just got here.” The boy asked surprised. He was usually the one who had to drag her out of the club all the time.
She nodded.
The colorful lights of the place made her dizziness worse and she was sure that if she drank one more shot of vodka she’d end up throwing up in the boy’s brown curls. At that point, she would usually go out to get some fresh air, smoke a cigarette, and then continue to drink until passing out. Now she didn’t feel like it, she wanted to go home.
“Fine, i’ll take you after we finish this bottle”
Miranda sighed heavily, rolling her eyes. Of course, he would say something like that.
“Do whatever the fuck you want i’ll go”
Without waiting for his response she advanced to leave the place.
Outside she was received by the cold night wind of Shanghai’s busy streets. She closed her leopard coat trying to get some warm as she lifted her left hand to call a taxi. After getting one she let her body relax against the leather seats laying down her head in the window. Her eyes closed straightaway.
She was exhausted, both mentally and physically.
Nights like those were the worst when her ephemeral fantasy disappeared before than expected and she was still sober enough to feel her pains. They felt like thin paper cuts in her skin, individually they didn’t hurt so much but combined it was distressing.
The worst part of all; she couldn’t complain. It was her punishment. As long as she carries the guilt of that day pain will be present in every breath she takes.
The taxi driver’s voice announcing she arrived snapped her from her thoughts. She paid and thanked the man before walking to the entrance of her house.
“I’m home”, she announced once she was inside.
She took her off her shoes unaltered by not receiving a reply. At that time all employees had gone home and her parent and brother must be asleep. She headed to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water, pausing for a second after seeing Lisandro there too. He drummed his fingers on his cup staring at her intensely. Her shoulder lowered, all of sudden she felt small and weak, while she opened the fridge she wondered how long it will take him to start interrogating her.
“You went to the club again, right?”
Miranda nodded dodging his gaze, her grasp in the water bottle becoming tighter.
He rubbed his temple and ran his hand through his hair giving a mirthless laugh.
“Why i’m not surprised.”
“Look, i know i said i won’t go there again but—”
“Save it. I’m done with your petty apologies; i’m done protecting you when it seems like you put zero effort on improving… i can’t keep doing whatever the fuck this is. I need to tell mom and dad everything.”
She stiffened. “You can’t do that, please don’t do that.”
“Yes i can, and i will. This needs to stop now.”
She opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted by her father’s entrance into the kitchen.
“What’s going on here? I heard you two arguing, did something happened or what?” He furrowed his eyebrows looking at them. They both stood quiet. Then he noticed the flashy clothes she was wearing, “Miranda are you going out? It’s three in the morning.”
“Where is she coming from it’s the question” Lisandro replied bitterly.
“Just stop.” she said under her breath.
“I don’t understand anything, weren’t you in your room sleeping? Can someone explain to me what it’s going on…?”
“He’s right. Miranda, please explain to dad what where you’re doing.”
They both stared at her anticipating her answer. Miranda remained silent; she chewed her bottom lip and lowered her head embarrassed. Words seemed to be stuck in her throat.
“Since she doesn’t want to i will.” Lisandro said “She was at some club drinking like she’s been doing for a while now, while i hide it from you like an idiot because i believed she would get better before anything bad happened to her. And now I found out she hasn’t even been attending her therapy sessions.”
Her eyes widened. Suddenly her body went numb.
Fuck
“They called from the clinic to ask for her because they haven’t seen her in months.”
“Miranda is that true?” Her father’s voice sounded worried.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck…
Every second was a torture. Her brain begged her to say something, anything, but at the same time, she didn’t know what to say.
“I’m sorry.”
The apology leaved her mouth by instinct.
“At least you can come up with a new damn excuse!”
He yelled.
Lisandro yelled at her, and it felt worse than she could ever imagine.
Lisandro was like a barrier preventing her from falling to the void, it was obvious that if she continued to push his boundaries over and over one day he would get tired and nothing would secure her when she crashed.
“It’s enough!” Her dad tried to stop the mess that was coming, but it was too late already.
“Sorry for being a fuck up” she wasn’t sure if they could hear it, her voice was barely a flimsy whisper, but she didn’t stay to find out neither. Miranda turned around and left right after that.
She heard how both men started discussing, surely about what just happened, as she climbed the stairs in a hurry. She just wanted to lock herself in her room hoping that if she spent enough time there she would disappear.
When she arrived she found her mother sitting on her bed. She looked up from her lap with a sweet smile on the lips. As long as she remembers she always had a smile when she looked at her.
“Did you heard everything?” Miranda asks and she nods.
“It’s okay, come here.”
She pats the space next to her, telling her to sit down. She does so, laying her head on her mother's lap as the woman begins to run her hands through her hair gently. She closes her eyes trying to hold back her tears. She didn't wanted to cry in front of her.
“We don’t need to talk if you don’t want to. We can just stay in silence and cry.”
She shakes her head a little. “You deserve an explanation, you, dad, and Lisandro, all of you deserve one.”
“Mi vida you don’t have to explain anything to us, we know it’s not your fault.”
“Of course it is. It's my fault, everything it’s my fault… He hates me and it’s all my fault. I’m a horrible person.”
"Listen to me, you're not a bad person and i forbid you to say that about yourself again. You’re just…sick Miranda, and you have no control over that. But you'll see that someday you’re going to get better and everything will be alright, you'll be fine mi vida. We can do this if we're together we just have to try harder until it works. but i'm not going to give up on you, and i'm sure they won't either, so please don't do it yet.”
Miranda lifted her head from her lap to face her. Her eyes flooded with tears, yet she didn’t shatter none, there was something in them that showed an incredible strength and it gave her some confidence.
“I won’t. I won’t disappoint you again.”
This time it was true. She wanted to get better, she had to get better, not just for her but for her loved ones.
“I’m sure you won’t.” She said engulfing her in a hug.
Miranda settled on her chest and before she knew she began to cry. Allowing herself to show what she truly felt for the first time in years.
she was born and raised in venezuela but moved to china when she was twelve-years-old.
by the age of twelve miran was diagnosed with ptsd, depression, and anxiety after being victim of a traumatic experience. she suffers from lots of symptoms due to her mental health problems and needs to take medication to calm some of these.
when she was younger she wanted to be a theater actress so she took acting and music lessons for seven years, singing for eleven and dance for three.
one of her friends was a trainee and she introduced her into this world, she often invited miran to watch her dance practices and busking performances and before realizing an intense desire to become part of that grew up in her.
she joined jyp entertainment in 2016.
participated in stray kids survival show but didn't make it into the final group.
miran can play electric guitar, piano, and drums. every time they use a guitar sound in a song she probably played and record it herself.
really into horror and weird stuff, especially japanese horror literature/manga, and korean horror films. also likes mystery and psychological horror stories.
she's called ice queen because she always has a resting bitch face, netizens created it to insult her but highlights started using it to praise her visuals.
phoebe, miran, and hyesung are the producing team of monochrome.
