#miranda nolan

[strangeparticles]

RSC Richard II, Act 5, Scene 1, part 4 of x.

(Act 1, Scene 1 | Act 1, Scene 2 | Act 1, Scene 3 | Act 1, Scene 4

 Act 2, Scene 1 | Act 2, Scene 2 | Act 2, Scene 3 | Act 2, Scene 4

 Act 3, Scene 1 | Act 3, Scene 2 | Act 3, Scene 3 | Act 3, Scene 4

 Act 4, Scene 1)

[nernershuman]

"All your relationship insecurities seem to go back to Everett."

Understatement of the decade as far as Levi was concerned. Intellectually, he knew it wasn't healthy or even right to keep blaming Everett or blaming his continued insecurities on him.  They had both been young. Everett had a lot of personal problems that Levi never knew about. 

But on the flipside, it had been the first and only time in his life he'd ever trusted someone beyond Caleb and Pete enough to give completely of himself. He'd allowed himself fantasies of a post-college life with Everett. He thought they were meant to be, and he was sadly, crushingly mistaken.

He didn't really know if he had the strength to go through it twice.

Dr. Nolan joined him in leaning forward, an intense look in her eyes.

"Levi, I think it's time for a truth bomb. Everett cared about you, but he never really 'loved' you."

His head jerked up as if she'd slapped him in the face. "But...he said he did..." Levi mumbled, crestfallen, even though he knew she was right.

"Don't misunderstand me, Levi. This isn't a put-down or me saying that you weren't good enough for him.  You weren't the one for him. He'd already decided who that person was long before you were even in the picture, and it was the guy he married."

Levi had told her everything about Everett and Wyatt Cross, leaving out the part about Wyatt having been Everett's shrink. He figured she probably wouldn't find that particularly kosher.

"The thing was, he may not have even known it himself, or maybe he was trying to forget," she continued, "He met you and saw something in you that he thought could make him happy again. And for a while it worked. Levi, if you had been the one for him, he'd never have slept with Wyatt. Tell me this-if Everett walked into this room right now and said he and Wyatt split and he wanted to start over with you, what would you say?"

"I...I would tell him no."

A hint of a smirk played at the corners of Dr. Nolan's mouth. "Why would you say no?"

He looked up at her, finally realizing what she was getting at. "Because we weren't meant to be."

"Okay. Do you think Everett is a bad person, or unworthy of you, or somehow lacking or defective?"

"Of course not!"

The tiny smirk became a full Cheshire cat grin. "Then why on earth would you think those things about yourself?"

He finally got an idea of what everyone had been trying to drum into his head for so long. Caleb, Pete, Sky. They all said it wasn't his fault. And now Dr. Nolan was saying the same. 

He wanted desperately to believe all of them. 

"Levi, you can't let this one incident color your relationship with Skylar. It's not fair to him and it's not fair to you. From everything you and Caleb have told me, Skylar loves you very much and has gone out of his way to make you happy."

"He has."

"And that he's been nothing but completely open and honest with you about himself."

"Yes."

"Well then," she leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs again. "I don't know how many ways you need to be told that Skylar is worth taking a chance on. but I'll tell you until I'm out of breath-HE IS," she declared, slapping her knee for emphasis.

[nernershuman]

Levi looked away from Dr. Nolan's expectant gaze and focused on the box of Kleenex on the table. He wondered how many people were reduced to tears in her office and how many times she had to replace the box in a month.

"Levi?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you hear my question?"

"I heard it."

"You're not comfortable responding?"

He gave his head a rueful shake and smoothed out an imaginary crease in his jeans. "It's stupid..."

"Levi, I'm sure it isn't stupid. But I'm not going to try to pry something out of you if you aren't ready to talk about it."

And he knew she wouldn't push it. She seemed to have a great knack for that, for getting he and Caleb to talk openly but not resorting to guilt or intimidation tactics to do it. He supposed it was what made her a good therapist. "Do I want a future with Sky? Yes, desperately. I want to tell him, sometimes when he's staying at my place I watch him sleeping and I want to wake him and tell him that he's all I want, always. He says it. He's open with me like no one ever has been. But...I'm afraid to say that out loud."

"Why do you think that is?"

He leaned forward and rested his chin in his hand. "Because...I'm afraid if I do say it, he'll realize it's not what he wants after all. That he'll realize he wants something or someone else. That...I won't be good enough. Just like with Everett."