Hitch Who fic for misa-maz
"Doctor, we're surrounded!" Zoe shouted, pressing as close to Jamie's back as she could to keep a safe distance away from the advancing Cyberlegion. Jamie wrapped his arms around the Doctor's waist. "What do we do?" he asked.
"There's nothing to do!" cried the Doctor. "We're just going to have to give ourselves up and hope for the--" He was cut off midsentence by a loud whoosh. Suddenly all but a handful of Cybermen were gone, and they were in a large room with pink walls and plastic chairs designed for giant children.
Jamie detached himself from the Doctor. "Where are we?"
"Look!" Zoe shouted behind them. The Doctor and Jamie turned around in time to see the Cybermen fall over a table and slowly melt into a tea service.
"Doctor, what's happening?" Jamie yelped as the squares on his kilt began to writhe.
"I don't know!" said the Doctor as his hair, which had been floating several feet above him, landed gracefully on his head, looking much more well-kept than it had been before.
The giant playroom faded away, and there was suddenly a horse where Zoe had been. "Doctor," it whinnied, "I've worked out the odds of all this happening at once. They're nearly ten to the sixtieth power to one against!"
"That is highly improbable," the Doctor agreed. Then an idea struck him. "Zoe, Jamie, I think I know where we are!"
"Someplace we shouldn't be, I bet," Jamie said.
"Quite probably," neighed Zoe, who was looking less and less equine by the minute.
A cheery female voice echoed over an invisible tannoy. "Now cruising at ten to the fiftieth power to one against, and falling!"
"Where are we?" the Doctor shouted back.
"You are in the cargo bays of the Heart of Gold. Someone will be sent down to assist you as soon as we achieve normality. We are now cruising at ten to the fortieth power to one against, and falling!"
"I knew it," the Doctor moaned, slumping against a mirrored wall that had appeared out of nowhere.
"What is it, Doctor?" Jamie and Zoe chorused as the mirror began to warp.
"We're on a ship that uses improbability drive," said the Doctor. "That's why all these strange things have been happening. Oh, no!"
The Cybermen were getting up. They moved slowly, as if they were swimming. Jamie looked uncertain whether to cling to the Doctor or simply run away; he compromised by diving into his own sporran and staying there. Zoe, who was now fully human, picked it up as she and the Doctor ran.
...
Some time later, they were in a perfectly normal-looking corridor on a perfectly normal-looking spaceship. Jamie had emerged from the sporran, feeling a little stiff, just as the tannoy announced ten to the twentieth power to one against ("And falling!"), and then they'd all dashed through a door and slammed it in the Cybermen's faces. (The door had protested in a tinny voice: "Please enjoy your trip through this door!", but allowed them to close it as the Cybermen were attacked by an army of monkeys waving sheaves of typewriter paper.) After that, they'd wandered through what seemed to be a shielded area, and through several very friendly doors, until they came to the bridge.
The girl at the controls pressed a button on the tannoy. "Ten to the eighth power to one against, and falling!" She didn't seem to notice them, but the man in the captain's chair did. "Hey, who are you?" one of his heads said. The other seemed to be asleep, but Jamie yed it cautiously.
Zoe took the initiative. "Your ship picked us up."
"Yes, and we're very grateful it did, too," said the Doctor; "we were being attacked by Cybermen!"
"Hey, what?" said the two-headed man. "Hey, Trillian, what's a Cyberman?"
"Some kind of robot, probably," said the girl. "One thousand to one against, and falling!"
"Oh," said the two-headed man. "Send Marvin down to talk to them once we've reached normality.
"You do it," Trillian said, annoyed. "Fifty to one against, and falling."
"What's she counting?" Jamie whispered to the Doctor.
"She's counting probability," the Doctor explained. "Precisely how unlikely it is for us to be in the condition we're in."
"Is that how the ship travels?" Zoe asked. "On probability drive?"
"Improbability drive," the Doctor corrected.
Meanwhile, Trillian was still counting down. "Six to one against ...five...four...three...two...one to one, we have normality, I repeat, we have normality." She paused. "Anything you still can't handle is therefore your problem."
"Oh, I expect our friends in the cargo bay are having some trouble with that." The Doctor grinned.
"Hey, yeah," said the two-headed man. "Marvin!"
What had appeared to be a pile of junk in the corner unfolded itself into a boxy-looking robot with red eyes. "It's no use shouting," it said mournfully.
"Hey, Marvin," the two-headed man went on, just as loudly. "There's some stowaways in the cargo bay. Go down and bring them up here, wouldja?"
The robot shook its head slowly, but turned to go. "Bring up the stowaways," it lamented. "Brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to bring up the stowaways. I don't suppose they remember what happened last time..." A door sighed closed behind him.
"What was that?" Jamie asked.
Trillian laughed. "Oh, that's just Marvin, don't mind him. I'm Trillian."
"I'm the Doctor, this is Jamie, and Zoe, and your robot really should be careful down there. We were brought aboard with several heavily armed Cybermen."
"Oh, Marvin can take care of himself," Trillian said. "Would you like something to drink?"
"Yes, thank you," said Zoe. "Some tea would be lovely."
The two-headed man's second head woke up, and Trillian exchanged glances with it. Before either of them could say anything, the door opened with a moan that was almost obscene, and Marvin entered alone.
"I found the stowaways," he announced dourly.
"Yeah, and?" said the two-headed man.
"They were robots."
"Yeah, and?"
"I talked to them."
Jamie interrupted. "Talked to them? What d'ye talk to Cybermen about?"
"Not much," Marvin went on in a bass kvetch. "I tried to be friendly, but they all malfunctioned and started oozing. So now there are no stowaways, and an organic mess in the cargo bay. Who's going to clean that up, I'd like to know."
"Ye mean ye caused the Cybermen to self-destruct?" Jamie exclaimed.
"Pardon me for breathing," Marvin muttered, "which I never do anyway, so I don't know why I bother." He retreated into his corner.
The two-headed man had been trying to hide his first head behind his second; realizing he'd failed, he asked, "So is the danger gone?"
"Yes, I'm sure it is," said the Doctor. "Once the Cybermen's organic organs decay, they're gone for good." He gave the two-headed man a quizzical look. "Who did you say you were again?"
