Today is my second wedding anniversary. I’m having a lot of feelings and I don’t have anywhere to spew them, so y’all are the lucky ones that get to deal with my emotions with me again.
I looked back at a lot of photos today while I was trying to choose one to post on facebook. Two years ago, I was dancing around an old barn with most of my friends and family. I had a new ring on my finger and my husband and I were on our first night of forever. We were spending time with all of our friends packed into a single hotel room, dancing and laughing and drinking until 3am. We were a few days away from a two-week honeymoon in Hawaii. Things felt good.
Things are still good between my husband and I. We’ve grown together, we’ve grown in our marriage. We’re still happy together, and I can’t believe it’s been two years.
It’s been two years since we got married, and two years since we decided to start trying to have a baby. Two years. I’m not dumb, I know it doesn’t always happen right away, but I was hopeful we’d have a baby inside of that first year. Was. I’m not hopeful anymore.
I’ve taken somewhere in the ballpark of 20 pregnancy tests since our wedding day. Not a single one of them has ever been positive. Every time I open a new test, my hope comes back for the two and a half minutes it takes for the test to show the results. It disappears again, twice as fast, the second there’s only one line.
I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, and I know that makes it more difficult to get pregnant. But I’ve had the bloodwork done, my husband has had an analysis done. According to the results of all the lab work we’ve been through, we shouldn’t be having this much trouble. I should be pregnant.
I’m so angry at my body. I feel like I have absolutely no control over anything that’s going on, and it’s sending me spiraling. There are maybe four people in the world who know this, and now I guess there are going to be x amount more who do. I miscarried three months before my wedding. I didn’t know I was pregnant until it was too late, but my OB-GYN confirmed that it was a miscarriage. I had what I wanted, I didn’t know it, and then I lost it. I know there was a reason for it, it wasn’t supposed to happen yet, all of that. I’ve processed that grief, but every time I take another negative pregnancy test, I hate my body a little bit more.
I’m just here, sitting with my feelings, and I’m sorry to anyone who read this and is now left feeling like they’ve wasted however much time on these words. It’s basically just a stream of consciousness, it probably doesn’t make sense, but I need to get it out. That’s all.
Summary: Jensen notices you’ve been particularly emotional and testy over the past few weeks, despite your choice to stay confined to your bedroom. When he checks on you, you tell him to leave you alone, and he just won’t accept that answer any longer.
Word Count: 1.6k
Warnings: angst, sadness, depression, check tags for further warnings
A/N: PLEASE CHECK THE TAGS FOR WARNINGS. I don’t want to post spoilers in the warnings, but this could be very triggering for some folks and I do not want to be the reason someone is feeling down.
Masterlist
Curled in a ball, knees tucked tightly into your chest, arms wrapped around your legs, silent sobs shaking your frame. When was the last time you’d actually smiled? When was the last time you’d laughed? When was the last time you’d felt anything but sad, lonely, pathetic, disastrous, destructive...
“Babe?” Jensen knocked lightly on the door, but you didn’t answer. You never answered. You just wanted him to go away. Instead, the door creaked open and a beam of yellow light streamed into the dark room. “Y/N?” He whispered into the dim light, checking to see if you stirred in the slightest. When you didn’t, he sighed and made his way to the bed, sitting down behind the crook of your legs. “Sweetheart.”
“Please just leave, Jensen.” You sniffled and mumbled into your tear stained pillow.
“You know I’m not going to do that.” Jensen’s hand touched your back softly, and you recoiled away from his touch.
“I said leave, damn it!” You threw your fist backward and punched his bicep. “Please!” You choked. Jensen flinched away from your still swinging arm and maneuvered himself so he was laying behind you.
He rolled you over and your eyes met. It was the first time he’d seen your eyes like this - bloodshot, glossy with unshed tears, dark circles surrounding the usually bright hue that seemed to disappear. The light was gone. Your light was gone. Jensen’s arms snaked around you and pulled you into his chest, his chin nuzzling into your unwashed hair.
“Jensen.” You cried into his shirt.
“I’m right here. I’m not leaving you.” He murmured against your forehead before pressing a sweet kiss there. “No matter how much you tell me to go.”
The next day, you managed to pull yourself out of bed long enough to clean the living room and have lunch with Jensen while he was away from set. He walked through the door and saw you sitting at the breakfast bar in the kitchen.
“Fancy meeting you here.” He smirked and wrapped his arms around your waist, bending at the waist and kissing your cheek and neck. “You doin’ okay?” You nodded, pushing his plate toward him more. “Thanks, baby.” Another quick peck to your cheek and Jensen was settling into the seat beside you and digging into his sandwich.
The two of you ate in silence, the sounds of your chewing filling the empty air. Jensen couldn’t bring himself to ask you another question, and you were thankful. If he’d asked you one more damn time if you were okay, you might’ve just imploded. He stood and gathered his plate and yours, placing them in the sink.
“I’ll get them when I get home, promise. don’t touch ‘em, y’ hear?” He drawled and shot you a wink, ducking down to kiss you before grabbing his coat and heading out the door again.
You were alone. Again. Lately, this had felt like your life. Just... lonely. You didn’t have friends locally, not after you’d moved. And you didn’t have anyone to call, really. Sure, you had Genevieve, but she had her hands full, raising three kids basically on her own. Who were you to her? Nobody. You sank onto the couch in front of the television, flicking on reruns of Supernatural, ironically enough, before letting your feelings take over like they always did, pulling you back into your deep hole of self pity.
Jensen came home later that night and washed the dishes, like he said he would, but you were nowhere to be found. He padded back to the bedroom, sneaking in like he had the night before. You were in the same position, locked away from the world and curling into a ball in an attempt to shut them all out. You didn’t know who ‘they’ were, but you knew you didn’t want them anywhere near you.
“Y/N?” Jensen’s voice came quietly through the air, thick with tension. You rolled to face him on your own this time, tears pooled in your eyes for another night. You’d lost count of how many days this had been dragging you down.
“Jense...” You reached out and grabbed his hand.
“I’m right here.” He quickly shucked his jeans down his legs and joined you under the blankets. You buried your face in the crook of his neck and let yourself cry, let yourself lean on Jensen like he told you you could. His hand rubbed up and down your spine, the long lines he was drawing calming your breathing and easing your mind. Once he realized you weren’t crying anymore, he pulled his head back and looked down at you. “You’ve gotta talk to me, sweetheart.” His thumb traced a line under your eye, swiping a tear across your cheekbone.
“I’ve been doing my best to avoid it, to just forget about this whole damn thing, Jensen. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to think about it, but it’s here. It’s living in my mind, playing out every single day. I don’t know how to make it go away.” You shook your head, unable to meet his gaze.
“What are you-” He looked up and realization washed over him. “It’s today.” He breathed. You nodded, a whimper catching in your throat.”Oh, baby...” Jensen held you tighter, your tears falling freely once more before dissolving into the cotton of his t-shirt. “Hey, it’s okay.” He shushed you and kissed your temple. “It - it wasn’t your fault.” Jensen chose his words carefully, afraid of making things worse. “This is why you’ve been-”
“Yeah.” You managed between gasping for air.
“You’ve gotta calm down. Look how worked up you are...” Jensen’s fingers trailed across the red splotches on your chest. “Take it easy.” He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, hoping you’d pick up on it and do the same.
“I just - I need you.” You snuggled closer to him, the two of you tangling your limbs as you pressed your bodies together.
“You’ve got me. You’ve got me forever.” His words made you peel yourself away rom him long enough to glance up and meet his eyes with a confused expression. “You heard me.” He gave you a tiny smile. “I’m such a fucking idiot, you know that?” He shook his head with a breath of a laugh. “I was gonna come home and surprise you. Take you out to dinner. I bought you a new dress and everything” He brushed hair off your face and tucked it behind your ear. “I wanted to make you feel better.”
“You’re not an idiot, Jensen... I’m sorry I’ve been like this. I’ve just-”
“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Y/N. Today is a hard day for you, I know that. I just - I didn’t realize it was today.” Jensen’s hand fell to your upper arm and he rubbed it gently. “I’m an idiot.” He repeated.
“Why do you keep saying that?” You frowned, sniffling and wiping the last of your tears with the back of your hand. Jensen shook his head. “Tell me, Jense.”
“I... damn it. I was going to propose tonight.” He confessed quietly. Your mouth popped open and closed twice before you found words - or rather, sound.
“Ah - I-” You stammered, eyes wide as you sat up in bed. “You what?”
“Yeah.” Jensen rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “Told you. Idiot.”
“Do it.” You whispered.
“What?” Jensen’s head shook quickly at your command.
“Propose.” You urged.
“Y/N, if this is some sick and twisted way of breaking up with me...”
“It’s not.” You chuckled and shook your head. “Just... do it. Please.”
Jensen dropped to his knee beside the bed and fumbled to retrieve a small white box from the pocket of the jeans in a crumpled pile by his leg. You scooted to he edge of the bed and looked down at him, a smile pulling on your lips for the first time in what felt like an eternity.
“Y/N, I know today was - is - the worst day in history for me to have chosen to do this, but I want to make your life better in every single way. I want to make every day worth living, especially the ones when you feel like this. I’m going to help you heal. We’re going to get through this together, and I want to be able to say that for the rest of my life. I love you. I want you to be my wife. So, please, will you marry me?”
“Yes.” You fell into Jensen’s open arms and cried into his neck again. This time, your tears were different. Your tears were happy. Jensen held you back and slipped the ring onto your finger.
“I’m sorry for choosing today.” He shook his head, looking at the floor as he stood, then sat beside you on the mattress again.
“No, no. Jensen, I’m so glad you chose today.” You reached up and laid your hand on his cheek, the stubble on his jaw scratching at your palm. “Do you realize what you just did?” He shook his head. “You made today more than a sad memory for me. You made today a good day. You turned this from the day I lost my baby - our baby - into the day we got engaged, Jensen.”
“I can’t believe I forgot.” Jensen scolded himself internally.
“It’s not on you to remember, Jensen. But - but that’s why I’ve been so... off lately.” You admitted. “I’ll get over it, really, I will. I just... need some time.”
“Take all the time you need, sweetheart.” Jensen smiled, tipping your face to look up at him. His eyes fell to yours and he leaned in, his lips brushing yours as he spoke. “We’ve got forever.”
Oh god your probably gonna kill me with angst but I like #13
“I lost our baby.”
Beeping, buzzing, humming. Wires and tubes everywhere, connecting you to machines that whirred in your ears. You were surprised you could even hear anything. You felt numb. Your vision was white, completely blurred by tears. You didn’t feel a damn thing. They poked and prodded, pushed and rubbed on your stomach, trying to work everything out of your system.
They hit the spot you’d been tracing your hand over for the past fourteen weeks and you finally made a noise. You cried out, screaming your husband’s name, but he wasn’t there. He was in Vancouver. Or maybe Seattle for the convention. You weren’t sure what day it was, you’d been in here for so long.
The first day, all you remembered was the blood. The little drops that stained your underwear when you went to the bathroom at work, but you figured it was just some spotting, normal for some pregnancies. By the time you got home, your pants were soaked through. You grabbed a towel and shoved it onto the driver’s seat of your car, speeding for the hospital.
When you got there, they rushed you back to a private room, bringing in almost the entire women’s medical team. They tried to calm you down, but the tears wouldn’t stop flowing. You could feel the life draining out of you, feel yourself losing the one thing you loved more than your own life.
Three - or was it four - days later, you were discharged, and Jared was due back home for a few days. Sometimes he would drop in to visit randomly, but this visit was scheduled. The two of you were supposed to go find out the sex of the tiny life growing inside you.
You sank onto the couch, not having eaten much for the past few days, feeling fragile and looking sunken in and probably more dead than alive. Curling into the fetal position, you pulled a blanket up over you, taking comfort in the softness and the familiar smell of your home.
Not ten minutes later, the door burst open and Jared came barreling toward you, scooping you up into his arms and planting kisses all over your face, not noticing the way you looked until you didn’t return the kiss he placed on your lips. Immediately, he pulled back, set you on the couch, and knelt down in front of you.
His eyes found yours, then they raked down over your face, taking in the brownish purple circles under your eyes, the paled color of your body overall, the weak and feeble excuse for a smile you were trying your best to uphold, and then when his gaze met yours again, he noticed the pink shade to your usually bright white eyes, the veins seeming strained and overworked.
“When was the last time you slept?” A large hand cupped your face.
“Few nights ago.” You shrugged.
“What the hell… Baby, what happened?” His brow furrowed.
“I lost our baby.” You spat, hating yourself for even having to say the words out loud.
Falling forward, you found yourself seated in Jared’s lap, his arms wrapped around you, rocking you gently as he assured you it wasn’t your fault. He murmured his words softly against the side of your head, telling you there was nothing you could’ve done, nothing that would’ve changed the outcome. Your body shook, racked with loud sobs, muffled by Jared’s scarf and t-shirt.
“I’m not going anywhere for a long time.” Jared ran a hand through your hair and held you even tighter, pressing your ear to his chest, knowing that the thumping of his heart would allow you to drift off to sleep, even if it was just for a little while.
Trigger warning : miscarriage / pregnancy. Sorry for the lack of tw last time :( I'm only 17 so maybe it is foolish of me to miss my baby? I don't know. But I failed them. My body wasn't enough for them. I didn't want to meet my beautiful child in a pool of blood. It seems like I'm over reacting but every time I thought of my baby my life seemed to have meaning. This little child depended on me to take care of us. To eat. To sleep. I loved them. I always will and I still long for the child (1/3
I think it’s so stupid for me to miss being pregnant. Like almost as though I wish to be pregnant again. I long to be a mother. I know I’m so young but the love I felt for this child will never be matched. I long for motherhood and I’m constantly reminded it is wrong and teen mothers are useless and a drain on society. (2/3)
I wish I didn’t feel useless. I wish my body was enough to save my beautiful angel. I wish I could kiss them goodnight. I wish I could see the look on their face as they touch a fluffy dog for the first time or see bubbles pop. Or the way that their eyes light up when they see you in the morning. The little waddle as they run to you. I wish I could have just held my baby for a moment and tell them how loved they are. I wish mummy could have saved them. I wish I was better. (3/3
Oh bless you lovely, you’re not stupid or useless I promise. You might be young but that doesn’t mean you didn’t feel how other expectant mothers would. You did everything you could for them and that’s demonstrating your love.
I don’t really know how to best help but I know there are groups online for those who have been through the tragedy of miscarriage. It might help you work through your feelings by talking to others who have experienced similar?
Either way I’m so sorry again and please look after yourself, your life does still have meaning even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment. Take care!
I miscarried early into my pregnancy a month or so ago. I have mental health issues and I would have been a teen mum... But I loved this child. I would have given them everything I could have. Everything I didn't get chance to have. I feel like it was snatched and I lost this little heartbeat that depended on me. I loved them. I loved them so much and I'm mourning the child I never got to see. I loved them. I loved them. So much. Nobody knew about the pregnancy so I cannot confide. I'm broken.
Oh bless you lovely I’m so sorry for your loss, that must be extremely painful for you. You’re welcome to talk to us if it helps having someone to talk to. I have no experience of pregnancies or miscarriages but I can listen if you do need someone to confide in. I’m not sure what to say but you’re in my thoughts lovely 💜
But what if he was never alive in the first place?
So. I was thinking about peoples' theories that Danny is now dead and that phrase came to mind. No, don't keep scrolling, stay with me here. All around the world there are stories of people wanting or believing so hard that whatever it is comes true. So what if after having Jazmine, Maddie got pregnant again with a child they were going to name Daniel. However due to ectoplasm exposure, she miscarried and found she couldn't have more children. Jack and Maddie wished and wanted so hard for the child they'd lost that the ectoplasm particles that were stray around the house responded to the emotions and formed into a baby. One day, they woke up to a baby crying from the nursery they'd prepared and suddenly everything that went wrong felt like a bad dream. The family they'd wanted so much to complete was finally there.
Fourteen years later and they're so happy with their family and a moment of triumph looms: they will open a portal to the Ghost Zone and finally have access to the beings they so want to study. The portal fails, and all if their dreams crash to the ground. I've they've left, the boy who, unbeknownst to any of them, has always been the manifestation of Jack and Maddie's desiressteps into the portal and manages to grant both desires at once- a working ghost portal and an accessible ghost. However, they never stopped wanting Danny, so instead of becoming either a ghost or a human, he became both.
In TUE, Danny didn't turn evil once he lost his human half because of Vlad's ghost half-he became evil because that's how Jack and Maddie saw ghosts when he was created. He was always what his parents wanted, but nobody ever knew.
