#mishl rambles

[hakabaib]

yoo I feel like I've been hitting the "reblog" button a lot lately

so I apologize if, in the last few months, you feel like I've been swamping  your dash.

I'ma work on hitting "Queue" more often. :'D

[hakabaib]

'what's in a name?' Hi, my name is Rae

So changing my name is something I've wanted to do for a long time. I mean, when I was little I never really liked Michelle - too feminine, I guess, and I was a "tom boy" - but I liked it better when I started using "Mishl" - somehow the change in spelling made it feel more my own, like a word that was made for me and wasn't already associated with a gender.

My last year of high school I told my friends I was going to tell everyone I met at school my  name was "Rae" (which is my middle name) and start going by that in general.  I really like my middle name, and I don't remember my full reasoning for liking it better before (shorter, less syllables, just a cool name :'D), but I think I attribute my preference to it because of how androgynous it is -- is it, like, "Raymond" or is it short for "Racheal" or?? WHO KNOWS?? :D -- Even when you say it, it doesn't really imply either gender.

[[[Continued under cut bc it gets a bit wordy x 7 x;;]]]

Idk, my pre-defined gender (or, I guess, my gender as defined by my sex) has always kind of bothered me, though it's always been an issue I've pushed aside because I figured there wasn't anything I could do about it, etc.  After learning about transgendered [and consequently agendered/ non-binary] people, though, I kinda sorted out how I felt about gender.  (I actually wondered if I should be trans, but realized I don't want to be a girl but I don't want to be a boy either.)  I learned the "gender binary" was more of a spectrum, which helped, but I still like the idea of being separate from that altogether.  I don't wear "boy" clothes, I wear clothes - stuff like that!

This sort of prompted a new desire to have people call me Rae.  I haven't really been pushing it -- heck, I've hardly mentioned it to anybody -- but I think it's something I'd like to move toward.  My own gender dysphoria is pretty mild, and it's not that I don't want to be identified as "she" etc, it's just that I don't want to be limited to that.  I've been mistaken as a boy a few times in my life and I actually loved it (:'D) - to me, being androgynous is like saying "no" to definite-genders.  Something like that, at least.

I'm trying to get to the point here.. o 7 o;;  Basically, if you could begin referring to me as Rae, I'd really appreciate it.  I certainly don't mind "Mish/ Mishl" - heck you can alternate between them if you want, I guess - I just.. I think this is what I want.  As far as pronouns go, I really don't care what you use (even "it" lol).  Most of you know my sex, but as I continue to try and "androgynize" myself (pfft, sounds silly when I put it that way, but ch'know) in an attempt to reflect my gender, I'll probably stop telling people my sex and just let them mix and match.  Makes me feel a bit like a jerk but idc I like it. :'D

Ahhh uh so I hope this makes sense, and ofc you're not obligated to do this, but idkkk.  Also another thing that prompted this re-interest in changing my name is when my friend Anurandi mentioned she wanted people to call her that instead of "Ana" bc her name is Anurandi and that is who she is.  Like, for her it reflects more of her culture (since "Ana" basically came about as an "Anglicization" of Anurandi), and that inspired me - like your name is who you are - and I started thinking about my own name.

//ramble ramble// I need to go to bed now.  But like, if you have any questions or just wanna talk about my name change/  name changes/ gender identities/ stuff like that in general, I'm up for it.  Thanks for reading!  = 7 =;;;

[hakabaib]

idk if this is weird or not but sometimes I hate "making plans" bc then I'm basically committed to something and I can't always guarantee that I'll be able to follow through.  Like maybe if its a few days in advance I can work things out, but I was invited to a party 2 weeks (or more?) in advance and last night I just "nooo... tonight is not the night" so I didn't go, because even if I'm free that night or whatever I can't speak for how I'll be feeling that day.  So that's probably pretty normal, but what I like more - and what is probably a bit weird of me - is when things are kinda sprung up on a whim.  Like I get a text "yo, you wanna go to the movies tonight" and I can immediately say "yeah man" or "nooo my son" bc I am closer to that moment and its easier to judge, like if I say "yes" there's little chance of me backing out, but I can also just say "no" to begin with and that's cool.

so idk if we make plans give me the date ahead of time so I can make sure its clear and stuff but also, like, that day message me if you're really concerned about me being there bc I could easily have forgotten or been like "nah me outties"

[hakabaib]

So this whole 'anxiety' thing sucks shit.  I've been off my anti-depressants and on anxiety pills for nearly two weeks, I believe, and, fucking ironically, I've been super fucking anxious [and less depressed, though the anxiety does lead to daily bouts of crying anyway so it's not like it's left altogether].

So I haven't been to hardly ANY of my classes, because getting up in the morning is difficult, so then I stay in bed all day trying to avoid the sickness feeling of anxiety but then I NEED to get out of bed so I do and then I can go /maybe/ two hours before I get that tight feeling in my torso and I start shaking and I'm unable to do ANYTHING.

Like, I'm used to anxiety when it has a cause - like "oh shit, I have to get this thing done, aughhh!" but that's not what this is, this is a "my heart is racing and I'm shaking and I don't.know. why, and so I can't get anything done [which gives me REAL reason to have anxiety]".

and I've already been to the University health center, and I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist who's supposedly pretty rad and really helpful (unlike my previous one who just kinda gave me different meds when I asked for them) but that appointment isn't until next wednesday.  I went in to tell them, the other day, that I need different meds bc obviously these ones aren't doing shit, but I can't get an earlier appointment (without it being, like, 9AM which will never happen) so basically they said "do what you can until then" - translation: survive, which is what I've been trying to do.

but it's fucking frustrating bc I'm a week and a half into school and am already behind in half my classes, and I've had to do a ton of things (appointments and shit) already and I hate those, and I still have to email profs and tell them "yo, I haven't been to 2/3 classes but I'm still here I'm just fucking dying of mental health issues and I'm gonna do my best to catch up but I can't really do anything until I'm on better meds next week. K thanks" and actually the profs (well everyone rly) in the music faculty are usually SUPER helpful and understanding but I still have to work up the nerve to send those emails and godfuckingdamnit that is stressful.  At least with emails I don't have to talk face-to-face though bc normally I can act 'normal' but lately if I start talking about what I'm experiencing I will start shaking and, given time, will start crying right there.  And that's not a fun experience for anyone.

So, on the bright(?) side I haven't been to many classes but I've been able to do some things around home to help myself.  My room is looking cleaner, and I'm "lightening" it up - both meaning "less jumbled"  and "more colours" - and I have my friends who I've made plans to see regularly and stuff.  Oh, and I've started painting and making friendship bracelets (well actually, they're going to be harnesses for my rats but w/e), and singing loudly in the shower and lovely stuff.  too bad they don't really help but HEY look at me trying!

just, ugh, and this anxiety thing feels like (to me, in my distorted state) what I'd feared will be true - my mental really will continue to deteriorate, whether it's the depression I've had for 9 years or this new anxiety on top of that, and life will continue to push and stress me until my body physically can't take it.  This is an honest fear I have and the reason the future scares me to death - "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Idk fucking dead.  Like, slow down Idek if I'll make it through the next 5 months okay?

okay/ shaking now so time to distract with drawing or writing and some music or something.  bless you x1000 if you've read all of this.  You don't need to send me any message or anything - just 'like' the post and I'll know you're here for me and honestly that's all you need to do to help me feel a bit better. ((Also I do have a few resources on how to deal with anxiety but if you have some things for anxiety that aren't "BREATH DEEPLY FOR 10 MINUTES" then that might actually be nice.  Just idk message me or something.  if not that's cool friends because I'm capable of finding resources too))

k done blabbing/ranting ahhh

[hakabaib]

Bassoon class: girl beside me needs to grease the cork on hers. I ask if she knows how to, "I took clarinet last year, yeah" she says. She applies the cork grease, okay good, then she just crams the pieces together and I sit here, bassoonless atm, like wtf did they teach you about greasing bc you didnt even rub it into the cork, you idjit, by cramming it in like that the grease, which is sitting on top of the cork (bc you didnt work it into the cork) is just pushed up off the cork as you put the pieces of the instrument together, like you basically did nothingggg you do nottt know how to grease cork you liar aughhhhh

[hakabaib]

*snuggles pet rats for 15 minutes*

*spends next 10 hours dying from allergies*

[hakabaib]

You should add me on snapchat bc I'm bored. Mishl.dirnt Let me send you pics of my acne-scar ridden face yes

[hakabaib]

mann, I queue things and then my friends reblog them and then I see them and I'm like "ooh, I'll reblog that" and then I see that I've already posted it and I feel like a dumbass