I am self deprecating. I am aware of this, and I can see that not only is my negativity unproductive, but even harmful. Although I try to make #MissionPositivity an annual resolution, you can ask any of my friends, it hasn't been going so well. There are times when I am afraid of failure, but even more afraid of success. I would like to say, first and foremost, that my upbringing did not cause my lack of self esteem or confidence. It was myself. While success seemed as if it would bring me to the same level as those I admired, I could never help but fear that I would not be able to live up to the standard that they set. Comparing myself to others is wrong in this sense, because then I begin to feel unworthy of my successes and deem myself only fit for failure. Except that I'm an athlete and a competitor. The only thing more unacceptable than failure is not trying at all. And that is where my inner turmoil erupts: Do I have to? I'm expected to. I should at least try. I'll try my best. What if I don't succeed? What if I don't do as well as they expect? At least I tried my best. What if I do? Then expectations will raise. How terrifying. I can't meet those standards. I'm not as good as they think I am. I mean, I'm bad at everything. I should just not try. But I can't just do nothing, that's wrong. I need to ... No. I need to stop this nonsense. My self deprecating nature is destructive. It has been so for a while, I am perpetually exhausted from fighting with myself, having convinced myself that I am actually bad at everything and I have no redeeming qualities. But this isn't true. I learn fast, especially through observation. I have an abnormal amount of patience with little kids, and for some reason, many little kids look up to me as "Ate Tiffany" or "Tiffany 姐姐." I am trained in observation: noticing often overlooked details, and picking up on the habits of others. A good friend of mine insisted that I try this (you know who you are): for everything negative I say about myself, please let me know, and I'll try to come up with two positives. Maybe then I will learn to love myself the way others love me. Christ, give me strength. [Philippians 4:13]
