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I'm so burnt out from seeking out medical care, but like. There isn't exactly another option. And the doctor is kind of strong arming me into ketamine therapy which feels like playing russian roulette wrt whether or not it will kill this personality, further fragment me, or bring back the first personality that might not be able to cope with all this.

Things feel truly dire. Like this might not be survivable.

But I'm also afraid that it is survivable. At least if this kills me itself, it takes the choice out of my hands and I don't have to choose to live like this.

#mistletoe maybe #now: is it possible to talk to my therapist about this without getting institutionalized?#probably not

Well, shit. The Treatment Resistant clinic is really strong arming me into ketamine treatments. The thing I really don't want to do because I'm afraid it will kill me. Or at least this version of me.

But I guess it doesn't really matter that much, right? I'm not supposed to be here, so if it brings back the original version but kills me, it's still a net good, probably.

#mistletoe maybe #using ketamine therapy to cure coming back wrong

Well, shit. The Treatment Resistant clinic is really strong arming me into ketamine treatments. The thing I really don't want to do because I'm afraid it will kill me. Or at least this version of me.

But I guess it doesn't really matter that much, right? I'm not supposed to be here, so if it brings back the original version but kills me, it's still a net good, probably.

#mistletoe maybe #using ketamine therapy to cure coming back wrong #pretty sure the doc didn't believe me when I said I existed #he also was weird about women #talking about how the 'pretty little ladies' at the ketamine clinic would take care of me

I took the medicine and I went missing

#mistletoe maybe

The pharmacy Finally has some of the meds I need, but I'm so tired I can barely breathe so I don't know if I'm going to be able to go pick them up

#mistletoe maybe #can't have them delivered bc they're controlled #fuuuck. okay. I'm going.

The patterns behind my eyelids when I blackout are different than they were before [redacted] died.

The family has started to notice my memory loss and I try to not show how much it bothers me when they ask me about something I should remember.

I think I might have brain damage.

#mistletoe maybe #Hopefully this month the clinic will have an opening and they'll call #maybe i can convince them to order me a brain scan #i worry I'm going to be a shit patient because i don't want to try new psych meds #after what happened with the last one #speaking of psych meds: can pharmacies do their fucking job please #I'm trying to transfer my sleep/anxiety meds to a different store in the chain #and they say theyre on it and will text when it's ready #and it's been 2 (?) weeks and when I call it's like they never got the request #I've been out of meds for a week and I'm going crazy and not sleeping #part of me wants to do a pharmacy sit in until they do their job

Ugh I'm so tired. Spent a lot of time yesterday shopping at thrift stores for kitchenware etc for the new place, then spent today packing, mostly books. It's more exhausting than I want it to be, choosing what to bring and what to leave for now, since the place doesn't have a lot of storage. Moved like, 3 things to the car :/

I also spent a while taking dark things off my walls to avoid people snooping.

#mistletoe maybe

Note to self: write letter for [redacted] in case they come back with amnesia

#mistletoe maybe

#mistletoe maybe

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