Archie Cruz Long as Fuck Summary (Guy i hate and want to explode)
For @zomb1edude habibi <3
As a forewarning, there will be references to substance abuse, abuse, violence, predatory/gross behaviour, alcoholism, homophobia, racism, fatphobia, sexism/misogyny and pretty much everything awful that celebrity men do. Also this is the longest shit ever written.
Archie Cruz is one of the founding members and the frontman of the now-basically-defunct band Santa Cruz. He founded it alongside Johnny Parkkonen in 2007, before their bassist Middy and drummer Taz joined in 2008 and 2009 respectively. They're still Technically an active band.
Their current lineup consists of Archie (because he literally keeps dragging Santa Cruz's dead, dry corpse around when he really should just take it out back and shoot it like a dying beast), Brody DeRozie, Luke Man, and Wade Murff, all of which sound like fake names generated by someone trying to come up with fake American names.
And, for a four-member band, their past lineup somehow includes this list of former members. Their studio probably has a revolving door at this point.
(the "somehow" is because archie is a massive piece of shit who poisons the lives and vibes of anyone who comes within a five-kilometre radius of him)
As I mentioned in my last post, all of the original members of Santa Cruz abandoned ship in 2018, in the middle of the band's US tour because Archie was a massive piece of shit who couldn't hold it together, and allegedly punched Johnny in the face (probably while Archie was drunk), breaking Johnny's nose. He was kicked off the tour bus and onto the street "like a pariah" (in archie's words). Maybe you were a pariah because you Fucking Suck, Man!!! Die Immediately.
Johnny said in a statement that he could "no longer be involved in a situation where [he has] to constantly fear that someone will do irreversible damage to themselves or someone else". Archie had been dealing with substance abuse, namely alcoholism, for some time now, and had begun to value partying and fame and the Shit of being a celebrity over his bandmates and music, and had refused help several times from the guys prior to the breakup.
Shortly after the rest of the band fucking ditching him in 2018, Archie was also kicked out of his side project, The Local Band, and was replaced by none other than Samy Elbanna Lostsociety !!! Love that guy!!! This is because archie Sucks, and samy elbanna is a wonderful little guy.
ANYWAY. Johnny, Taz, and Middy fucking ditch him (as they Should), and Brodie DeRozie, their current guitarist, is the first guy Archie tries to replace Johnny with. Brodie joins April 16th, 2018, and in an absolutely Hilarious move, ditches MAY 22, 2018. He later rejoined in 2022. For some reason. And is still there. Poor guy.
Brodie's 2018 replacement was Pavel "Pav Cruz" Popov from Russia, who joined in July of 2018. 2018 was a Rough Fuckin Year for Santa Cruz, and was the year that Archie probably should have gone "oh it's me, i'm the problem. that's why nobody likes me". He recorded fucking EVERYTHING on their fourth album himself, which is not a flex when you are supposed to yk. have a band play your instruments for you.
They also had a new drummer at this point but he didn't learn any of the songs and they fired him. funniest guy here.
In 2019 they got a New, New, New lineup, which included archie and pav, but ALSO included Toxy Cruz (<- hilarious name) and Eemi Lamberg. Eemi Lamberg is important, because he's iconic as fuck. Eemi left in May of 2020, and went on to be a part of the bands St. Aurora and Kirkkovene.
In an absolutely slay move, St. Aurora made a disstrack about Archie called "Falling (Another Way to Fly)", which includes lyrics such as:
Santa Cruz also had a bunch of criticisms for stupid things, including being accused of plagiarizing music and Very Obviously lipsyncing onstage. However, lip syncing on stage does not reduce the quality of Archie's performances, as his voice is so grating to listen to that it makes no difference whether he's singing live or not. His singing sounds like he's trying VERY HARD not to shit himself.
Also, when Pav eventually left the band, they put out a statement saying it was "due to immigration issues" and Pav was like "No It Fucking Isn't". Pav leaving had NOTHING to do with immigration issues they just made that up to cover their asses, because everyone knows that Archie sucks the life out of everyone around them, without even sucking their dicks to make up for it.
In the Soundtrooper interview I linked in my last post, you can Tell how much everyone hates being around him, and I hate the interviewer for kind of feeding into Archie's ego. Hannes and Samy are both super cool, nice guys who usually have nothing bad to say about anyone who doesn't deserve it. But Archie just keeps fucking Talking, and he manages to get These faces out of Hannes and Samy just by existing, and probably because they've had to deal with him during shows and tours.
He's also done a bunch of stupid, petty drama shit, because he knows his career is dead and bringing up relevant musicians is the only way to retain any relevance in the music sphere. He made stupid comments about Joel from Blind Channel (as well as. just generally about Blind Channel because they were thriving in Finland while Archie was shrivelling up like a dick in cold water), with incredibly Based And Cool and Alphapilled takes including "He's Copying Me" (<- to be read in a whiny, whinging toddler voice, but Worse cause he's a grown man)
Archie's Based take was that Joel was copying him for you know.. being Blond, having long hair, and being a ""Little Cocky"". The problem with that statement is that Joel is a little cocky in kind of a lame, endearing way where he just gets really excited about his band's success and lets it go to his head a little, and Archie is such a Massive Fucking Dick that can't shut his fucking mouth and thinks he's the hottest shit in Finland and Also The World. And who thinks he. owns being Blond.
He also made a shitty comment about Johnny in a podcast or interview or something like that a few years after Johnny left the band (translation: when the band left Archie shivering on the American road like a wet stray dog in the rain), calling Johnny a "fat producer". Unfortunately for Archie, this did not affect Johnny's career in any way, and Johnny is continuing to slut it up in the Finnish music scene, unbothered and thriving.
Archie's bullshit doesn't end with him just being a general asshole, because you can be an asshole and you can suck, yet not do anything criminal or irreversibly damaging to other people. Archie is Not one of these people, because he's so Fucking awful that he doesn't end as just a celebrity dickhead.
The stuff i'm bringing up here is the reason why i have ZERO sympathy at all for Archie anymore, I hate his guts and I think we should Beat Him To Death with his own bones. I used to have some amount of sympathy for him, and I thought that when he went through rehab and sobered up he'd get better on some level, because substance addictions can do some really awful shit to a person's character (even if how they treat other people is still their responsibility). I thought that if we just left him alone and stopped giving him so much attention he could be a better person, and then I found out about how he Treats Women and Minorities!
(abuse TW)
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He generally talks about and treats women in a shitty way, but he's also been abusive and mistreating of his past partners. His ex-fiancee, Katelyn Cannella, came out with a video of her L.A. apartment, which Archie Absolutely Fucking Trashed after they broke their engagement. She also said that Archie had been abusing her mentally and physically for months.
Archie moved back to Finland immediately afterward, and I'm so glad that he's not anywhere near her anymore.
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Archie is currently engaged again!!! To a Fucking 20 year old, who he was dating when she was 19!!!!!!!! (archie is 31, and would probably go lower if it were legal. idc if that's true, he fucking sucks.)
They broke up for like, one night, during which Archie went to where she was staying and picked her up, claiming that they "couldn't bear to be apart" or Some Shit Like That.
It's worse when you have the context that they met on a reality TV show (Archie's been on at least two reality TV shows. including Survivor Suomi. they keep putting him on TV. Why.), and their relationship was Not That Deep, according to archie, and he made fun of her for taking it seriously. AND THEY GOT ENGAGED AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SO FUCKING MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's also had a history of being generally homophobic, even asking a gay man ON CAMERA if he takes it in the ass. He also says faggot and calls things gay and [r-word] as an insult. in 2024.
One of his many former bandmates, Randy McDemian, had the honour of being called Randy Tortilla by Archie for being hispanic, because on top of everything else Archie is also a Fucking Racist.
TLDR: making a long-ass post about Archie Cruz isn't enough, i need to pop his head like a pimple.
