#mixiseul

[mixseungwoo]

“he/she does not control me.”

           ( an au where seungwoo and iseul talk to each other regularly in present day ;                                                   could be canon if we can find a reason for it to be! )                 

( tw: suicidal thoughts, depression ) ☯ —  — — — ✘ sentence starter meme  — — — — 

she says it because they’ve been trying to meet lately. it was the suggestion of iseul’s mother, actually, and now that he thinks about it, maybe it should be her iseul claims doesn’t control her. iseul has missed a few of their scheduled coffee get-togethers, though, which seungwoo doesn’t mind; not much has changed from their time together in high school, it seems. he made an insensitive comment meant to be a joke, as usual: “your heart is still running your life, huh?”

it’s interesting: iseul refers to her heart like it’s a person. seungwoo can respect that, actually. if he had more capacity for human empathy, maybe he might think that makes it easier to coexist with a condition with the constant potential to take your life. no, seungwoo isn’t someone with empathy; in fact, he’s a little jealous-- not of the illness, but of the potential end result. “well, your heart kind of does control you. that’s its thing,” he quips. “that’s the joke.” iseul seems so sincere that he has to sigh and beckpedal a little. “i get it.”

if seungwoo referred to his depression like a person, would it make anything better? he knows no matter what he called it, it would still control him. he didn’t even know to call it depression until recently; he’s wondered since, if naming it gave it more power. he wonders now if iseul means it when she says it, or it’s just something brave. maybe her life too, is constantly consumed and preserved simultaneously, existence varying degrees of agonizing day by day. he wants to say it would make him feel better if he shared this with her, but it wouldn’t. (he isn’t sure anything will make him feel better.)

“do you mean that?” he asks her, over his cup of coffee, raising it to his lips to match his expectant raised eyebrows. maybe it’s too personal of a question, but seungwoo isn’t much for other people’s boundaries anymore, and he’s learned not to have any himself. 

[mijaguar]

“he/she does not control me.”

> sentence starter memes 

“No one does.” He agreed with a serious voice tone. That was what he believed in. “But sometimes people can let others control them without even knowing it.” It was quite interesting to wonder about the subject, he’d never really thought about it. “Maybe out of guilt or urge to please. Fear of hurting others?” There were many situations he couldn’t think about at the moment, but it made sense to think this way. “I think it’s not easy to realise what’s happening or changing it too fast, but focusing on ourselves is really important, I guess.” Jongin concluded, including himself at the last statement. “But, why are you saying that? Are you afraid it could be true?”

[mixseungwoo]

☯ — rocks and memories ✗

past ; 2011

seungwoo doesn’t really know what’s wrong with iseul. maybe that’s a harsh way to think about it, but he doesn’t think it’s his place to ask. he’s heard rumors, about how she’s dying, about how she has a nice girl image but skips class to go smoke. they’re a drastic contrast in stories, and he doesn’t know what to believe. all he knows is that she sits next to him in his calculus class, and he has to take notes to have any shot of getting into a sky university like his parents want him to, or at least like his dad does, since his mother’s mind is a little gone these days.

even jeongwoo and hyunwoo are still going to myeongcho university, though, and seungwoo knows he has no hope of keeping up with them, despite how hard he’s tried. still, he’ll do his best, because he has nothing better to do than try to uphold his family’s reputation. he doesn’t want to be the first member of the jeon family to drop out of high school, or get rejected by myeongcho university. he thinks about it all the time, and feels such humiliation in advance. it inspires him to work harder out of fear, as he does most things out of.

when iseul takes her seat next to him, seungwoo takes it upon himself to slide her his notebook from last class. they’re both a little early, so maybe she’ll have a chance to write down the important parts. “i’m not very smart,” he admits, voice low, as if letting a sick(?) classmate get the previous day’s notes is a crime. “so i don’t know if those are right, but i tried my best...maybe you should ask someone else?”

                                                                                                            ☯ —— @mixiseul

[mixseungwoo]

15

 ( tw: depression )                   ☯ — —  — — — ✘ headcanon meme | closed  — — — — —

is your muse considerate?

nope. as mentioned in previous answers, he’s pretty unsympathetic and a little self-centered, so he doesn’t consider the feelings of others often. when he does consider their feelings, he usually ignores them, unconcerned. he’s naturally a little rude and has the kind of personality that might make other people uncomfortable, but he doesn’t care about that. if he did, he could probably alter himself a little to be anyone someone needs or wants him to be, but he doesn’t care to (or have the energy to) do that either. instead, he basically just does what he wants with little fear or regard for consequences for anyone. he also doesn’t care about rules or authority, and doesn’t really listen well, either, despite people respecting him being important to him personally. that’s the only thing he might get a check mark on: he’s not bad at using honorifics and showing at least a little respect to those above him in age or position.

“considerate.” god, that’s so stupid. you think i don’t have better things to worry about than other people’s feelings and what does or doesn’t inconvenience them? you know what better thing i have to worry about? how inconvenient it is to be alive. i have to exert so much effort just to keep breathing, the last thing i need to do is feel responsible for others’ feelings. if i hurt them that’s just as much their problem as it is mine, and maybe i’ll apologize after the fact, but i’m not going to worry about that beforehand-- unless they’re like, really important or something, because it’s not like i want to hurt people i actually care about.