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Incoherent Patrick Andersen Angst (my interpretations and headcanons, not canon)

So Imagine you have people you care about, people that make you feel valued and loved and like a person. People you'd do anything to protect. and then the horrors happen and you all die horribly.

Suddenly you're back at square zero, the time period is different, some minor details have changed as well but you're right back at the start. you remember everything and they don't. so you try to remind them, you try to tell them, you try to do things differently this time.

and then the horrors happen and you all die horribly.

And again, back st square one, and again and again and again time after time you are back at square one. each time you try something different, you try to figure out different ways to break the cycle, to stop your family from being hurt so much, you try telling them from the start, you try proving it, you try keeping them far away from anything remotely dangerous.. you try finding answers, you try finding help, you try and try and try but each and every time they find a way to make the same mistakes, the universe finds a way to put you in a situation where you put eachother in harm's way- you try and you try and you try

and then the horrors happen and you all die horribly.

you'd think that at some point you'd give up, stop caring when they die, stop trying to achieve the impossible. you never do but the understanding of the futility of your actions does seep in and each time you get a little more used to blood, used to screams, the ends start justifying more and more means. you still deeply love your family but you become much more comfortable manipulating them and hurting them, keeping them at an arm's length.. all to save them of course. you know things they don't, you're the one burdened with knowledge. you can't just tell them that never works, you can't listen to them because you know more, you need to use whatever means possible to make sure they do what you need so maybe just maybe they don't die this time.

across your lives you learn some tricks that help you hold on just a little longer, tricks you're not exactly fond of but you're already very used to death and by this point very few things matter to you. no trick can save you though. not forever.

you'll keep trying though, you'll always keep trying, and you'll never succeed.

but.. even if you will. what happens then? when you get you and your family that one, long, torment free life? you don't know how to talk to them anymore, you don't know how to exist free of fate. you don't know safety and you don't know uncertainty, what will you do when there is no greater purpose forcing you to distance yourself and pretend to be someone else? who is the real you now? when there's no excuse for keeping them in the dark? and... when there is finally an end.. if there ever is one.. what will you do?

okay now that im seeing this on paper i dont think i got my thoughts right but whatever, might clarify later when i can think coherently

also yes @mla0 this was specifically made as revenge for that michael post