#mmssn

[themoonisnotsleepy]

my toxic trait as reader is thinking I can finish a book according to the estimated reading time shown by kindle.

(not surprisingly enough, 2 hours estimated reading time can stretched into 2 weeks, or even months)

[themoonisnotsleepy]

fuck nrimo and buat nambah pengalaman, I'm not gonna work for free.

[themoonisnotsleepy]

paham sih lek butuh proyekan’e. tapi lek soal keilmuan dan ndelok e mung nang pejabat, I was like: oalah, sak mene tok a kualitas e. opo maneh lek pejabat e gak duwe rekam jejak akademis atau kepedulian nang hal akademis. gawe opo cobak.

[themoonisnotsleepy]

I wonder what gives these people the courage to overestimate themselves when the one who actually does it well isn't even them. take a person out of your equation, out of your circle, and y'all can't do anything. I'm serious.

[themoonisnotsleepy]

when I created this blog, I was like: nice, finally a dedicated blog where I will write in a structured manner, like the committed academic I am.

yeah, we ditched that idea now. I cannot, for the love of me, hold myself back from rb-ing or posting stuff the way I usually did in my tumblr fandom blogs.

[themoonisnotsleepy]

these people should be grateful that I am THIS committed. because with what I'm capable of, this is basically me doing charity. and for that, it's not their place to demand me anything.

[themoonisnotsleepy]

do you know... that feeling of trying to grasp something, seemingly from the past, that used to be you. but also, unsure if you ever were that person. thought it was just a fantasy. a wish never manifested. a personality never existed.

[themoonisnotsleepy]

I hate how romance movies make me feel. Maybe it’s just that I’m not in high school anymore. Love used to feel like this huge, overwhelming thing—now it just makes me kind of... itchy? Like I’ve been living in the quiet comfort of steady love for so long that all that infatuation and heartbreak and jealousy feels like watching someone else’s fever dream. I don’t relate to it. But feelings are weird. They still find a way in. They always do.

There’s definitely a huge difference between who I was in high school and who I am now—in college, or whatever life this is after college. The way I see things, the way I feel things—it’s all shifted. Sometimes it feels like I’m living a completely different life, like I’ve outgrown my past self. But then there are moments when I miss them so much it hurts. Like maybe, just maybe, I was softer back then. Or braver. Or more me.

And romance movies always reminded me of those feelings. It's a harmless discomfort, but a discomfort nonetheless. Perhaps that's why I said I hate how it makes me feel. It makes me feel nostalgic—that there was a period in my life when I felt such a myriad of emotions. And when others said they felt it, I forgot how it felt until those sequences on screen reminded me of it.

At my age, I feel like I don’t need that kind of nostalgic feeling. Because, again, it reminds me of who I used to be and all the regrets I still haven’t let go of. Maybe I keep those feelings tucked away for when I want to run. For when I need to console myself. For when I want to believe I used to be that person, and that feeling was good—and maybe I can borrow a little courage from my past self.

But there’s a contradiction living inside me. One part of me wants to never look back, while the other wants to quietly hold on to who I was—just so I won’t forget. The part that wants to believe every version of me is still me. Every past, every mistake, every feeling, every change—they're all me. And maybe I don’t need to draw a line between them at all.