We/I are interested in plurality. We think something's going on with me, not the smallest reason being how comfortable using 'the royal we' feels.
The idea of having other people in my head for me to disappoint is...not fun. Having a group of people who resent me, or constantly judge our actions, that we can literally never escape from sounds like a circle of hell.
We don't feel distinct, like a parlament of different voices with their own personalities. We feel amorphous. A Greek chorus. We sometimes bicker with each other. Or, it feels more natural to feel like I'm discussing something with myself.
I sometimes wonder if there's anything too this at all. If I'm just stealing glory from more interesting people. Or that I'm just that fucking lonely that I wish there were other people in my head. But I've already been through that merry-go-round twice now, first with the ADHD and then with the gender, so we/I know by now that's really not how it works.
I don't really know where I was going with this. I feel scared. We feel scared. We don't want to be alone. We want to feel safe inside myself. I don't want more people I need to please. I don't want to leave someone behind to scream in the dark. Learning to love myself has been hard. As fucking bizarre as it sounds, we love ourselves so much and we don't want to hurt each other.
Typing this out has been helpful. I hope this hasn't been too much. Thank you for reading all this.
plurality is a daunting thing to explore at times. im glad typing it out has been helpful!
denial is common, so is somewhat-undefined alters, and so is being scared about it. sometimes youre more of an amorphous blob than a broken plate, and thats okay! sometimes thatll change with time, and thats also okay. all plurality is different!
and if its any comfort, we're 8 years into knowing about our plurality and dont deal with denial or fear nearly as often anymore. it does get better, and less scary, and easier.
thanks for sending an ask!