Reports have surfaced of four persons sustaining aesthetic injuries and/or death* due to a photograph production accident in a local studio. As on off-the-record statement that we are publishing anyways, one of the involved persons recounted that the group were experimenting with different chemicals in an effort to create the best selfie filter when suddenly a bright flash erupted. This witness refused to give a further account, claiming “I’m BLIND now, I couldn’t see what happened next,” a baseless excuse by another drug addled criminal to obstruct the dissemination of truth, I’m sure.
At any rate, such accidents are happening with greater frequency, proving that developing a new method and machine to resolve this aesthetic epidemic is crucial so that no others suffer from heart attacks due to seeing falsified “ghosts” from double exposure, blindness from over saturation, or crippling paranoia, fear and trauma due to over exposure to the D.A.R.K. (Despairing, Annulling, Ripping, Klawing) Room.
However, attempts at recreating praised inventor Barnum’s “camera obscura” have been slow going. The latest technique—albumen prints—have hit a wall with all chickens declaring a strike to demand higher royalty payments, better egg-laying hours, and health benefits for their families. Farmer Sam from Brightwall is quoted to having “regret letting the little buggers unionize.” With the chicken strike, many have reverted to using the older technique of gelatin prints on silver, relying instead on the bones of animals who have not yet created a worker’s rights group—despite this method being extremely dangerous to the health of the animals involved.
Efforts to reverse engineer Barnum’s photographic process have also reached an impasse, with only one original photograph—taken of a man who absolutely wished to be named here—being known to have survived.
Be on the lookout for scams claiming to have invented the best new camera—if they did, you’d have read it here.
*The fourth casualty to this artistic accident was unavailable for comment as he was sucked into a daguerreotype glass print which was broken during the incident.
QED
Quorum Ends Discussion